Parenting Agreement Help/Feedback - Page 2

[Phoenix~Mama]

But realistically... what age should the switching of holidays start? This year, really is out of the question for the newborn to go anywhere, and STBX will have to come here this year if he wants to see him/her.

Next year, if I can actually get my progressive overnight plan agreed to by him... it's quite possible the LO will not be having overnights yet then either... so what happens then? I ship off DD to spend the holiday away from me and her sibling?

[Ceinwen]

My two girls (ages 7.5 and 2.5) started overnights with their dad soon after he moved out last summer (ages 6.5 and 16 months).

Honestly, it was fine. I spent 6 months making myself sick to my stomach, literally to the point where I was hyperventilating and being physically ill with the thought of my 16 month old being gone for EOW... and it was totally fine.

Last Christmas, he had them the 24/25/26 - this year I will have them. It too - was absolutely fine. You will really be surprised at what your kids will be flexible around. I celebrated adult holidays with my parents and siblings, drank and ate a bit too much... and did our Christmas with the kids on the 27 when they got home.

We specifically went with alternating holidays, because I didn't want to drag my kids around on Christmas day. While my ex isn't quite as big a UAV as yours is, he's got issues of his own and while it wasn't easy letting them go at first - it's really worked out well for them.

[Ione]

Practically speaking, his 'holiday' visitation would match his weekend visitation in number of hours per day and times, but would fall on the holiday days instead of the weekend.

Also, if he will have worked up to overnights w/LO by the following year, then give him odd years and you take even years. So, Xmas 2010 = your holiday; Xmas 2011 = his. That gives you enough time for the LO to have reached the "overnight" stage of the progressive plan, doesn't it.

Actually, you'd have to list the holidays and decide which ones need special treatment. And what kind of treatment. For ex., is father's/mother's day the whole weekend or just the day?

Then decide how they're divided up, so that you each get roughly half the holidays in any given year. Set 1 and Set 2 of holidays.

In even years one of you would get Set 1, and the other would get Set 2. In odd years, it flips.

Then, look at a calendar for two years. Color the holidays in two diff colors (one for parent "a" the other for parent "b") to show the full two sets over two years.

Then, decide which works best: for you to be parent A or parent B.

Also, if LO is too little for overnights, LO is too young to really care if SIB is there with you for the holiday. AND IT'S ONLY ONE OR TWO TIMES AT MOST UNTIL THE LO CATCHES UP.

[Phoenix~Mama]

Originally Posted by Ceinwen

My two girls (ages 7.5 and 2.5) started overnights with their dad soon after he moved out last summer (ages 6.5 and 16 months).

Honestly, it was fine. I spent 6 months making myself sick to my stomach, literally to the point where I was hyperventilating and being physically ill with the thought of my 16 month old being gone for EOW... and it was totally fine.

Last Christmas, he had them the 24/25/26 - this year I will have them. It too - was absolutely fine. You will really be surprised at what your kids will be flexible around. I celebrated adult holidays with my parents and siblings, drank and ate a bit too much... and did our Christmas with the kids on the 27 when they got home.

We specifically went with alternating holidays, because I didn't want to drag my kids around on Christmas day. While my ex isn't quite as big a UAV as yours is, he's got issues of his own and while it wasn't easy letting them go at first - it's really worked out well for them.

Yeah... I get this. My DD will be going to EOW schedule starting next weekend, just before she turns 18 months. And the first night she spent away from me was really hard. I'm more nervous about next weekend because they are going camping! But he has given up so much time this past month for packing... that I know I can't fight him on taking her next weekend. At least it is only for one night at the camp, probably.

DD isn't the one in question... I'm more trying to figure out how to incorporate a schedule that will be good for the new LO too. But, yeah, I see your point Ione, that it may just have to be different the first two years...

This part really sucks... I know once it's all in action, and as long as I see my kids adjusting okay, it will be much easier to swallow and accept... right now it's so much anticipation and anxiety because I just want to do the best I can by my kids. If STBX was at all rational, this wouldn't even be that hard. But yeah... we all know how that goes.

I can't make a call on if new LO will be ready for an overnight at 13 months or not as I don't know his/her personality yet... Basing off of how DD was at 13 months... I don't think she would have done as well then as she is now, and even now she is having some regression/night terrors. Not specifically from overnights, just this transition in general I think. She has taken to waking at night screaming serveral times a week, and being more clingey than she has been in months. I hope it all smoothes out soon. I know eventually this is the best thing for us.

[Storm Bride]

Originally Posted by JSMa

Though, I've already been told by numerous authorities locally that STBX "isn't abusive enough", meaning he has never physically hit any of us.

OT: I realize it doesn't help from a legal perspective, but I just want to point out that he has, in fact, hit you...not hard enough to leave bruises, no. But, every time he "playfully" hit you on the buttocks after you'd told him to stop, he was being physically abusive. (It's possible that I've mixed up those posts with someone else, but I'm pretty sure I haven't.)

Sorry I can't help with the agreements. My ex was MIA after the first year, and that first year, we did it so my ex took him Christmas Eve, and he came home as soon as he woke up on Christmas morning (most lonely Christmas morning of my life, I have to admit). However, my ex was, at that time, living two doors down from me, in the basement suite of the house his new girlfriend lived in. (I was in the basement suite of the other house, and my sister lived upstairs. My ex's girlfriend was my sister's best friend. Can you spell "drama"? I opted out of it, but people sure tried to suck me in.) So, ds1 had to literally walk past one house to get to me on Christmas morning. This is an unusual situation, and not helpful.

[Storm Bride]

Originally Posted by JSMa

But realistically... what age should the switching of holidays start? This year, really is out of the question for the newborn to go anywhere, and STBX will have to come here this year if he wants to see him/her.

Next year, if I can actually get my progressive overnight plan agreed to by him... it's quite possible the LO will not be having overnights yet then either... so what happens then? I ship off DD to spend the holiday away from me and her sibling?

Because we're talking about your STBX, in particular, things get complicated. He's just not even a little bit rational. In my ideal world, I'd probably alternate holidays each year, but I wouldn't want to start that until the first year after the LO turned two. So, in your case, the first Christmas full-time with your STBX would be 2012. Before that, I'd want to find some way to share the day...but I do agree with the pp who expressed concern with having it in writing that he's allowed in your home...

umm...Ugh...that's all I've got.

[Super~Single~Mama]

Originally Posted by Storm Bride

Because we're talking about your STBX, in particular, things get complicated. He's just not even a little bit rational. In my ideal world, I'd probably alternate holidays each year, but I wouldn't want to start that until the first year after the LO turned two. So, in your case, the first Christmas full-time with your STBX would be 2012. Before that, I'd want to find some way to share the day...but I do agree with the pp who expressed concern with having it in writing that he's allowed in your home...

umm...Ugh...that's all I've got.

I didn't see the post that StormBride is referring to here, but I agree - DO NOT put it in writing, ESPECIALLY writing that a court is going to order as the custody agreement, that your ex is allowed in your home. That will make it really hard to prove that he was abusive if you need to.

[sparklefairy]

Do keep in mind that some of the things that you're seeing with your dd's behavior may be normal developmental phases. I remember both of mine changing sleep patterns and glomping onto me more at around that age, and I was never away from them for a single night.

Originally Posted by JSMa

Yeah... I get this. My DD will be going to EOW schedule starting next weekend, just before she turns 18 months. And the first night she spent away from me was really hard. I'm more nervous about next weekend because they are going camping! But he has given up so much time this past month for packing... that I know I can't fight him on taking her next weekend. At least it is only for one night at the camp, probably.

DD isn't the one in question... I'm more trying to figure out how to incorporate a schedule that will be good for the new LO too. But, yeah, I see your point Ione, that it may just have to be different the first two years...

This part really sucks... I know once it's all in action, and as long as I see my kids adjusting okay, it will be much easier to swallow and accept... right now it's so much anticipation and anxiety because I just want to do the best I can by my kids. If STBX was at all rational, this wouldn't even be that hard. But yeah... we all know how that goes.

I can't make a call on if new LO will be ready for an overnight at 13 months or not as I don't know his/her personality yet... Basing off of how DD was at 13 months... I don't think she would have done as well then as she is now, and even now she is having some regression/night terrors. Not specifically from overnights, just this transition in general I think. She has taken to waking at night screaming serveral times a week, and being more clingey than she has been in months. I hope it all smoothes out soon. I know eventually this is the best thing for us.

[belovedofbast]

I'm not a single mom, but I am a stepmom and just wanted to let you know what our Christmases are like.

DH and his ex alternate each year. One year, we have her all of Christmas eve day, and drop her off at 8:30-9pm at the other parent's house (or wherever they are). The next year, we get her at 8:30-9 ish pm Christmas eve and she spends Christmas Day here.

Yes it's late, but it's a special occaision. We've had it like this since she was very young, and it works for our family. Just some food for thought! Good luck