I am not even sure what to write in here, there is so much backlog but I'llt ry to encapsulate it....basically my dh, dd(4 months old) and I are going "back home" for a visit for the first time in three years. We did not even have our families at our wedding because of how compelx it started becoming....We both have a lot of "issues" with our families and living on the opposite coast has been good for us.
Some hisory: I recently had a very traumatic birth and immediate postpartum period with my dd which caused at least many symptoms of PTSD...I've been having some EDMR therapy and counselling which ended up bringing up a bunch opf buried memories of some childhood extremes and has led me to realize my mother probably is bipolar (though I'm not about to tell her this/label her to anyone else, and my therapist said she can't diagnose her BUt she sounds this way) and did indeed emotionally abuse me as a child...some of the things I have remembered are quite extreme and disturbing as well. That said, we have a somewhat respectful/non hostile relationship now...except...she can't really let me go/grow up (I am the oldest of trhee girls and my sisters are still teens and at home). She tends to speak for me and tell me who/how I am. This drives me nuts...she also tends to still go into emotional rages or out of control freak-outs quit often, and I'm afraid she might do this in my and dd's presence (calling my sisters names etc.) also, my entire family gets into this...state... where they banter back and forth all this really hostile criticism and inappropriate stuff (like details about everyone's bowel movements etc.) and the only defense is to deflect the topc to someone else... they almost seem to get "high" off it. I am concerned they'll start in on me...and maybe since I've kind of been having flashbacks of stuff I'm afraid that will happen in their company....
I have taken steps over and over to make boundaries and this has improved things. Like I won't get between my mom and teenage sis or mom and grandmother any more and be the "rescuer" and lately they have stopped asking. I share far less personal info with them, though still more than I want...and as for our trip the measures we are taing are making and itinerary and telling my family that we are available these days/times etc. Otherwise they will expect to spend the entire time with us and that ups the chance of yucky yucky drama and fights. We are also not staying with my family, and we are renting a car despite the expense....despite this I know stuff will come up. What language can I use to avoid useless arguments and blow ups (mom is SUPER reactive/defensive etc.), how can I find my voice and try to be separate from the UNIT that my family is without being totally distant? How can I capitalize on their strengths?
I decided when I realized all this about how disturbed my mom was that if I continue to have issues with depression/anxiety I will consider meds for myself even while bf because I will NOt do that to my daughter. I was afraid of my mother growing up...se was like too people, but even the "nice" her is basically the manic her about to swing back to depressed/raging any minute.
I just recently realzied I don't even know what I LIKE or WANT in many ways because I have spent so long trying to please my parents (esp. mom) who has told me who I am and said certain interests are not ok etc. and I have bought into it...and I also have felt my whole family mom in particular would fall apart if I stepped too much otuside my role...so though I'm not actively rescuing anymore, I am still ina holding pattern and I want to break out of it at least somewhat for this trip, forever. I need to be ME relating to THEM, not just part of the family relating to itself in icky ways that make me literally feel suicidal and extremely anxious, I also want a new legacy for dd. Anyway, I know this won't all happen in one trip, but it needs to begin now, continue through the trip and beyond. I also realized I have never let msyelf be a child/teenager in so many ways.
How do I cope with a mom who is enmeshed with me, how do I deal with something as simple as her saying I'll barely get to hold dd (she is/can be super loving at times but it is still tainted with control/fear etc.) I am not comfortable with that much closeness. How can I be WITH my family without being part of the drama, even a passive part? I have so many more questions too but just pick any piece of this and respond. I am SOOOO stressed about this trip. I lvoe/hate them all so much!
Some hisory: I recently had a very traumatic birth and immediate postpartum period with my dd which caused at least many symptoms of PTSD...I've been having some EDMR therapy and counselling which ended up bringing up a bunch opf buried memories of some childhood extremes and has led me to realize my mother probably is bipolar (though I'm not about to tell her this/label her to anyone else, and my therapist said she can't diagnose her BUt she sounds this way) and did indeed emotionally abuse me as a child...some of the things I have remembered are quite extreme and disturbing as well. That said, we have a somewhat respectful/non hostile relationship now...except...she can't really let me go/grow up (I am the oldest of trhee girls and my sisters are still teens and at home). She tends to speak for me and tell me who/how I am. This drives me nuts...she also tends to still go into emotional rages or out of control freak-outs quit often, and I'm afraid she might do this in my and dd's presence (calling my sisters names etc.) also, my entire family gets into this...state... where they banter back and forth all this really hostile criticism and inappropriate stuff (like details about everyone's bowel movements etc.) and the only defense is to deflect the topc to someone else... they almost seem to get "high" off it. I am concerned they'll start in on me...and maybe since I've kind of been having flashbacks of stuff I'm afraid that will happen in their company....
I have taken steps over and over to make boundaries and this has improved things. Like I won't get between my mom and teenage sis or mom and grandmother any more and be the "rescuer" and lately they have stopped asking. I share far less personal info with them, though still more than I want...and as for our trip the measures we are taing are making and itinerary and telling my family that we are available these days/times etc. Otherwise they will expect to spend the entire time with us and that ups the chance of yucky yucky drama and fights. We are also not staying with my family, and we are renting a car despite the expense....despite this I know stuff will come up. What language can I use to avoid useless arguments and blow ups (mom is SUPER reactive/defensive etc.), how can I find my voice and try to be separate from the UNIT that my family is without being totally distant? How can I capitalize on their strengths?
I decided when I realized all this about how disturbed my mom was that if I continue to have issues with depression/anxiety I will consider meds for myself even while bf because I will NOt do that to my daughter. I was afraid of my mother growing up...se was like too people, but even the "nice" her is basically the manic her about to swing back to depressed/raging any minute.
I just recently realzied I don't even know what I LIKE or WANT in many ways because I have spent so long trying to please my parents (esp. mom) who has told me who I am and said certain interests are not ok etc. and I have bought into it...and I also have felt my whole family mom in particular would fall apart if I stepped too much otuside my role...so though I'm not actively rescuing anymore, I am still ina holding pattern and I want to break out of it at least somewhat for this trip, forever. I need to be ME relating to THEM, not just part of the family relating to itself in icky ways that make me literally feel suicidal and extremely anxious, I also want a new legacy for dd. Anyway, I know this won't all happen in one trip, but it needs to begin now, continue through the trip and beyond. I also realized I have never let msyelf be a child/teenager in so many ways.
How do I cope with a mom who is enmeshed with me, how do I deal with something as simple as her saying I'll barely get to hold dd (she is/can be super loving at times but it is still tainted with control/fear etc.) I am not comfortable with that much closeness. How can I be WITH my family without being part of the drama, even a passive part? I have so many more questions too but just pick any piece of this and respond. I am SOOOO stressed about this trip. I lvoe/hate them all so much!
