Aaaauuuugh (party invites)

[GuildJenn]

So after a party fiasco last year (I limited my son to 6 kids to invite as he was only turning four, and thanks to it being August we ended up with 1 child plus some rescuing cousins; I also found I lacked contact info for some kids who were school/daycare friends but not attending daycare over the summer), this year I thought I would be super-organized and send out 'save the date' invites the last week of school.

After a lot of hand-wringing we decided to invite 15 kids as sort of the max we can handle if everyone comes, but assuming we'll end up with maybe 7 or 8. This meant we were inviting a fair number of kids but definitely not excluding just a handful - I wouldn't do that. However, we also didn't follow the "boys only" rule, so it was a mix of girls and boys.

My son and DH were sent with instructions to SUBTLY slip them into cubbies and my son was told several times that the rule of parties is we don't discuss them at school. FWIW I know he has been excluded from a couple of parties this year, which is fine - I'm all for limited guest lists.

Somehow the teacher ended up saying it was ok for my son to pass the invites out personally. At circle time, if my DH had it right (he's in the doghouse). I'm pretty sure I know of a boy or two who may be upset because normally boys invite all the boys. I wasn't ok with that and my son has good friends who are girls, but the fact is that if I'd known the invites were going to be handed out in that way I would have - not sent them. I'd've sent "hey send me your contact info so we can play in the summer!" notes instead. Or something. Because the list was a little more personal than "leave out all the girls."

Any advice on what to do if I hear some kids were upset? It seems tacky to me at this point no matter what. The kids who might be upset are not kids whose parents I really know (all those are invited). Sigh.

Sometimes I feel like there is no way to win at the party thing!

[annethcz]

Really, I'd be ticked at the teacher. I don't know what kind of teacher would encourage that type of thing during circle time. Your DS obviously isn't to blame, since he just followed the teacher's lead.

I think I'd wait to see if there's any fall out. If you don't know the parents of the kids who were invited, I'm guessing you won't hear any grumbling about it. If you do, I think I would just apologize for method of handing out invitations, but I wouldn't apologize for not inviting their child.

(FTR, I *am* a preschool teacher, and I always handle these things discreetly. I think the teacher really messed up here- is it possible that she didn't realize that your DS was only inviting some of the kids in his class?)

[limabean]

If you hear that some kids were upset, I would just apologize and admit that it was handled poorly. There's not much more you can do this time, but definitely don't even "sort of" hand out invites at school in the future.

[KatWozBlue]

If you hear of children being upset, I would send the parents a note letting them know that you are limiting numbers for budget reasons, etc.

I personally do not send invitations thru a school setting unless everyone is invited, kids talk, open their cubbies, etc and I think its just a good rule to follow. My daughter is having just three friends this year for her birthday because I am hugely pregnant and I secured those little girls addresses and mailed them.

[GuildJenn]

Originally Posted by annethcz

(FTR, I *am* a preschool teacher, and I always handle these things discreetly. I think the teacher really messed up here- is it possible that she didn't realize that your DS was only inviting some of the kids in his class?)

No, my husband told her when she made the suggestion.

[GuildJenn]

Originally Posted by limabean

If you hear that some kids were upset, I would just apologize and admit that it was handled poorly. There's not much more you can do this time, but definitely don't even "sort of" hand out invites at school in the future.

Maybe next year we can see if the school would be willing to do a contact list. It's a tough one 'cause I don't even see some of the kids much because some kids go 'til 3:30 and I pick my son up at 5 (it's the same at drop off - different drop off times).

[Linda on the move]

Originally Posted by GuildJenn

Somehow the teacher ended up saying it was ok for my son to pass the invites out personally. At circle time, if my DH had it right

I'd contact the school -- both the teacher and the administrator and let them know that this isn't OK. I'd do it in writing. This is against the rules at the school my kids attend. There is NO excuse for what the teacher did and they need a policy.

For kids who miss getting invited to a party or two and get reminded that they really aren't that close to the birthday child, it isn't that big of a deal, but for kids who have social problems and are seldom/never invited, this is HUGE.

If it comes up with any parents, apologize and focus on their child's feelings.

[Linda on the move]

Originally Posted by GuildJenn

Somehow the teacher ended up saying it was ok for my son to pass the invites out personally. At circle time, if my DH had it right

I'd contact the school -- both the teacher and the administrator and let them know that this isn't OK. I'd do it in writing. This is against the rules at the school my kids attend. There is NO excuse for what the teacher did and they need a policy.

For kids who miss getting invited to a party or two and get reminded that they really aren't that close to the birthday child, it isn't that big of a deal, but for kids who have social problems and are seldom/never invited, this is HUGE.

If it comes up with any parents, apologize and focus on their child's feelings.

[GuildJenn]

Originally Posted by Linda on the move

I'd contact the school -- both the teacher and the administrator and let them know that this isn't OK. I'd do it in writing. This is against the rules at the school my kids attend. There is NO excuse for what the teacher did and they need a policy.

For kids who miss getting invited to a party or two and get reminded that they really aren't that close to the birthday child, it isn't that big of a deal, but for kids who have social problems and are seldom/never invited, this is HUGE.

If it comes up with any parents, apologize and focus on their child's feelings.

I am going to bring it up. It's really, really unusual at this school to have that lack of sensitivity so I'm not sure what was lost this morning. Invites do come through cubbies but that's usually it as far as I can tell.

I agree that it could be hard on some kids.

I'm mostly upset because I think it's really really rude to invite people in front of others and I feel like that was violated. And I do take the responsibility for having used the school to do the invites. Not in the future!

[rubidoux]

Wow! I cannot believe that the teacher did that! But I agree that all you can do now is appologize if it comes up. Hopefully the kids will just forget about it and bringing it up again won't be helpful, kwim?

I would not do something like write a formal letter complaining to teacher and higher ups. This is still the person that handles your son all day long and even if she is very professional about it, I would think it would be very hard for her not to treat your son a little differently. Basically you want to say, "what a stupid move!" and you're right, but saying it isn't going to change anything.

[MaerynPearl]

My sons school does not allow you to give out invitations to ANYONE unless EVERYONE gets one.

Which is understandable. I think it would have been better, as you said, to just ask for the contact info and send them yourself.

[VisionaryMom]

Our school doesn't allow invitations to go out at school. When we filled out info at the beginning of the year, one of the questions asked if we minded if our address, phone, & email went to other parents. You could choose none, any, or all. A parent could request the whole list or just one and do invites that way.

[Linda on the move]

Originally Posted by rubidoux

I would not do something like write a formal letter complaining to teacher and higher ups.

It could change something.

Honestly, this could be a form of bullying. It is a big deal for those kids who never get invited. It really and truly isn't OK and that's why most schools have policies against it.

[GuildJenn]

Originally Posted by Linda on the move

It could change something.

Honestly, this could be a form of bullying. It is a big deal for those kids who never get invited. It really and truly isn't OK and that's why most schools have policies against it.

I don't think in this particular school it would go down that way (bullying over the long term). It's a school for kids aged 3-6 too, which helps on the malicious end since most kids just aren't.

I think it was a single bad call. But it is a good opportunity to talk about it a bit. My son's had this teacher for two years and she's really caring, but wow. Definitely a lesson learned and a lot of drama (at least on my part - the kids seem pretty okay.)

My husband didn't talk to the teacher today because my son had an exciting new allergic reaction this morning so he was focused on that, but we'll talk to her next week.

[GuildJenn]

Originally Posted by MaerynPearl

My sons school does not allow you to give out invitations to ANYONE unless EVERYONE gets one.

Which is understandable. I think it would have been better, as you said, to just ask for the contact info and send them yourself.

Yeah...we don't have that policy and almost all my son's invites have come through the school. And there have been parties he hasn't been invited to, and it's all been okay. But I can definitely see how the rule develops.