Mothers of two or more (adding a third, fourth, fifth, etc...) How did you make that decision?

[eastkygal]

Just wondering how you made the decision to add another child if you already had two or more. I am getting older, but I still have many fertile years left. For awhile DH and I said definitely no more. We have our hands full with two. Then, time went by. Our little got older. I'm healthier than ever. Now, we are more open to the idea of a third, though DH right now doesn't actually want to TTC. If it happens, oopsy, it does. Sometimes I think that that is a good idea. Just to see how things go. Then, other times I feel like that is so unsettled. What if it doesn't happen until I'm 40 (not that that is a bad age for babies, but my littles will be getting older then, and it'd be like starting over.)? What if it never happens, and I always wish I had actually TTC?
What factors into your decision making? Finances? You confidence in your parenting skills? Your extended family's opinion (i.e. your parents)? Lifestyle? The birth climate where you live?
If you feel like it is best for whatever reason not to add another, how do you come to terms with the fact that you might never carry another baby or have the opportunity to experience birth again? Do you leave it open like we are now, or do you do a permanent birth control?
I've been asked several times this week if we are adding another, and it just seems to fit with the debate that has been in my mind and heart the last several months. I'd love to hear some opinions/thoughts.

[Peony]

I had #3 because I HAD to, there was no back of forth of should I or shouldn't I, I needed another child. I have 3 now and I guess I am in a similar boat as you are. I don't have the same feelings I did before the 3 I have but I can't say I am done either. Well, I take that back, until DS was 8 months or so, I thought I really had to have another, I thought about it constantly, but as time goes on, now I am going back and forth. We aren't doing anything other no DTD when I am Oing.

My reasons for not being completely on board with another child are mostly resource related. I can handle three children, sanity level wise, money, our house, everything works for 3. I can't say the same for 4. Money is a huge concern for both DH and I, 2 of 3 children of ours are expensive with some special needs. Our yearly medical bills are insane, if the girls even cost us 1K less a month than it would be doable. I think about the "what ifs", what if DS needs therapy 5 times a week as well for years that our insurance doesn't yet again cover, or what if we did have a 4th and he or she needed more.

DH isn't interested in a 4th, if I really, really, really have to have one then he says we can talk in another 2 years about it but it is not high on his list.

[momto4plus4]

Well, this was a question we struggled a long time with. Warning-this might be long and remember, these are my opinions/feelings for MY family, not anyone else's. We miscarried #'s 1,3,6&7. We tried for 2 years for both #2 & 4 so there's a 4 year age gap between those 2. We had always wanted a lot of children so we had never planned to use birth control. From #1 to #5, we got pregnant every 2 years in the late spring/early summer but lost #1 & #3. And, I got pregnant with #4 within 3 months of weaning #2. (could I be any more confusing in this). Since I was ebf'ing #4 we didn't think I'd get pregnant or at least not a successful pregnancy but low & behold along came dd. So, that made 2 miscarriages and 3 living babies. We assumed this pattern of pregnant every 2 years would continue. We also felt that, as christians, we wanted to leave the decision making to the Lord and the main way to do that was to not use birth control. However, we also weren't actively ttc'ing after pregnancy #4. So, dd (#5) was a surprise as were all subsequent ones. But, we ended up losing #6 & #7 which kind of made me want another. I didn't want to "end" my birthing years with a loss and going from 2 to 3 was WAY easier than from 1 to 2. SO, we again just let things happen.

I had gone on progesterone supplements with pregnancies 4,5,6 & 7 as well as having numerous blood test. It was SO stressful. So, when I surprisingly got pregnant for the 8th time (and I should mention #6,7 & 8 all happened within 2 years of birthing #5), I decided to have NO intervention. I didn't even go to the dr for 12 weeks. But, God must have wanted us to have this one because I only had 1 episode of spotting the entire pregnancy. Even with my other living babies I had lots of spotting and some bleeding.

I honestly would not want to be done now but several things have factored into our decision for Dh to get a vas. First, dh is bipolar and a recovering addict. While he's been sober for almost 3 yrs (YEAH), his bipolar hit an all-time low this last year. His vit D was dangerously low and it was a hellish year emotionally. I hope I never have to go through that again. Second, dh has been out of a job for over a year, only finding odd jobs here and there, but we're almost completely out of money. I don't know how we'll keep our house, our car, etc unless by the grace of God. These 2 are the most important in the decision-making. I don't feel like it's fair or right to bring another child into an environment like this. I may have to leave dh if he can't get stabilized and I can't imagine purposely putting another child through that. Lastly, I had an unplanned c-section with this last baby. Both my boys have been born with the cords wrapped around their necks and had lots of problems with heartrates dropping during labor. I had no intervention with ds #1 but with ds #2 I ended up with gestational diabetes, excess fluid (measuring 6 weeks big by full-term) and he never did seem to get in the correct position. Even during labor he was continuing to rotate and I'd felt like things were "wrong" for the last weeks of pregnancy. Sure enough I dialated to just a lip of a cervix left for 4 hrs but with any pushing or rotating positions his heartrate would drop & each time it took a good 15 minutes to stablize. I had a lot of intervention with his labor. I needed an epidural because I'd never experienced so much pain. Like I said, it all felt wrong. We opted for the c-section feeling like it was best for the baby and by that point I'd gotten anemic as well. I'm very overweight and feel like my body would just not do well with another pregnancy unless I can lose this weight.

Making the decision for more children or not is such a personal decision and can be very hard to make. Had the 3 things I listed Not occurred, I would not be getting permanent birth control done.

I also have always wanted to adopt and do foster care. SO, if down the line my dh is stable, mentally healthy & still sober, then we can always look at those options.

I hope this helps, just in hearing someone's else's decision-making process. I hope you & dh come to a decision that brings peace to you & your family.

[peilover010202]

It's a hard decision to make and for me personally, I never really felt "ready" to consider another child until the youngest was 2. So, while my heart pulled in both directions much earlier (done...not done), I knew mentally I wasn't ready for another YET. I enjoy sleep, and I dislike chaos. And I felt like adding another child too early could cause for some regression in our boys and I personally feel the need to give the youngest baby time to age, time to become somewhat self-sufficient before adding another child.

ds felt much the same as me, and for quite some time, he felt that 2 was PLENTY. But, once ds2 was nearly 2, we both just felt ready. There wasn't a lot of talk about it, I think because we had both played out the scenarios in our hearts for months.

Of course, all the normal decisions came into play (can we afford another?, is our home big enough?, can we accomodate another in our vehicle?, would our boys enjoy a sibling?, are we ready for the sleepless nights?, was I ready to nurse again? - this is huge for me, because I nurse for approx 2yrs, was I ready for the pregnancy and birth (health wise)?)

We have #3 now and I cannot imagine life without him.

But, now I think I want a 4th and dh is done. So, I'm in that stage again where you're at!

[major_mama11]

We have 2. I always thought I would want 4 or more, and who knows, we might eventually have that many. We're sort of taking it one kid at a time.

My youngest is 13 months old. He was a more difficult baby than DD for the first 6 months or so, and for a while I thought we were definitely going to stop at 2 kids. I was just so tired that I couldn't imagine doing this again.

Part of this reluctance was also financial. At this point, DH's job is rather unstable, and we really need my income to get by, until some things change. When I had DS, it took us a while to recover from the financial hit, between paying nearly $6k out of pocket in medical bills, and me taking a 14-week maternity leave.

But now, DS is starting to sleep a little better, things are financially better now that we are going on health insurance through my work- (which will actually cover well baby visits and maternity stuff, unlike our current insurance). Now, we're thinking that we will def go for #3 in another year or so. I do like the idea of letting DS be the baby for another year or so.

Re: the not TTC but not preventing either thing- that's exactly what we did with DS, and he was conceived the very day that we decided to stop preventing. We were elated, but a little shocked, as we had expected at least a few months of carefree "not preventing"! Sometimes it happens sooner than you expect!

[eastkygal]

I just don't know. We aren't using bc per se, but a natural method that's not too involve. It took me sometime to get preggo with DD1 and DD2, but I'm more fertile now than I have ever been. Financially, adding another might not be best. We don't have the room in our cabin. But, it's been my experience that babies don't need much aside from love, attention, diapers, and clothes. I can do that cheaply. College, we won't be able to pay for as it stands now, but our parents couldn't provide that for us, so to me that is like a privilege. Sure it'd be nice, but there are other options. My workload, I'm a SAHM and sort of WAHM too. I am childbirth educator and doula, but I'm by no means busy with it at this point. I do feel stressed sometimes as it is now, but I think that might be related to adrenal fatigue (maybe?) I'm working on it. DH and I like being able to do things easier now - like going out. It would probably be harder to have someone watch 3 children rather than 4. But, then I think, I don't want to be 40 and end up preggo and it be like starting all over. Or resign myself to not having more, then get cozy with 2, then it happen. I mean our method could most definitely fail, but DH nor I have it in our heart to choose permanent bc. And I can't take hormonal bc. I also don't want to be 50 and regret not TTC. Something in me deeply wants the experience of pregnancy, birth, and nursing again. But, I don't know if that is enough to justify having another. I don't want this to be done in so many ways, and in others I do. However, I also don't care for thinking there may be an oops somewhere along the line after I feel comfortable where I am. I'm so confused. DH is fine with the chances. Me, it can be a little stress producing. hehe

[PluggingAway]

We followed our hearts not our brains. We are expecting DC#3 next month. I am so grateful that I knew way down deep in my heart that another baby was waiting to join our family, and I'm so grateful that I know way down deep in my heart that we are done at 3. Good Luck on your journey!

[VroomieMama]

I had dd in 2002 when I was 24 and it was an accident. I got pregnant immediately after I got married to my DH in 2008 and gave birth and had c-section on April 29th to female twins which was a big surprise to us. I told my DH "NO MORE!" but several times I wanted at least one more because I've always wanted a son. I just hated the thought of being pregnant again so I'd say "No More." A day after Easter this year, I was suffering joint pains and went to the ER and the DR said that I was pregnant. My DH and I was very shocked b/c we didn't expect to have another baby this soon.

[eastkygal]

I wish I was brave enough to follow my heart. To even trust my heart to be telling me the truth.
If I did that, I would probably talk with DH about a sincere desire to have another. I only joke now. But, I'm not convinced it is the best decision for a few reasons, and I really don't want to get any flack from the family. Having had 2 c-sections and DH and I both being self employed, I suppose they don't like the thoughts of it.
Sometimes too I just wish I could trust that I could be a mama that could handle lots of babes with minimal stress, a relatively clean home, and a frugal budget. I'm not so sure now.

[kittywitty]

Well, none of mine were "planned". I come from a big family and in my experience, if you are loving involved stents, everything will work out. I would not worry so much about the what-ifs. I don't know IRL anyone who has regretted having another, but I do know many people who regret *not* having another when their heart desired it. From reading your blog and your posts on here, I think that you are a wonderful family, fwiw.

[wombatclay]

DD1 was totally planned...went off BC, improved my lifestyle, charted, etc. And she "caught" pretty much right away. It was a rough, complicated, pregnancy that ended in an unplanned c/s, ppd, and much soul searching.

DD2 was planned as well, though more loosely. DH and I wanted another child, we had the space and resources, we decided to TTC. It took much longer and before DD2 was born our circumstances changed unexpectedly. Birth complications and those changed circumstances resulted in my becoming a SAHM, and our family moved to a much smaller/more rural home.

So... DH and I thought we were done. But after a while we started thinking about a third. I felt strongly that there was a babe "waiting" for us. We did the math (another babe would be financially tricky, our insurance wasn't great, my previous births caused various physical problems for me and a third might greatly worsen this, etc) and decided we'd go with a not trying not to get pregnant/not trying to get pregnant approach.

DS1 is the result.

We had planned on DH getting the "big V" after ds arrived but... we changed our minds. We don't want to have a child in diapers when I'm 40 but we feel like maybe one more child would be a happiness. So we're back to the "not trying either way" approach for this year. If it happens, great. If not, dh will have the V next year. I think this time round the age/career factor is a bit more significant to me... I sort of see my 30s as being infant/child focused but my 40s are more "for me" I guess.