A question for mom's of many.........

[annie2186]

How do you DEAL??

I felt like I always wanted a big family (like 5,6,7 something like that) but I just don't know how I CAN!

To make a long story short - I feel like mom's of many have some magical quality I just don't have! I feel like I can't handle the three I have (I have two bio kids and my 8 year old is my full-time stepdaughter). My husband is borderline OCD and likes the house clean (which I CAN NOT do if I am pregnant......so tired! and when I have a young baby?? forget about it)

I loved having a big family (I am one of six) but I just don't know if I can make a conscious decision to have that many! (but I would LIKE too!)

Yes, I am crazy

[peaceful_mama]

Could've written your post! (well DH doesn't quite have OCD and I also have my mom living here...neither of whom do things like wipe off the stove after they use it, or the counter, stuff like that. Gets on my NERVES. Or PUTTING STUFF AWAY--like I've *tried* and am *trying again* to have a bread shelf right above the toaster in the cabinet because we have NO COUNTER SPACE.)

it's mostly the *cleaning* that gets to me....because it seems like so much that should be "clean up after yourself" is being left to *me*---the same ME who is supposed to be ensuring the children are not at the little playground unattended or playing with certain neighbor children without direct supervision. AND I should really not park them in front of a screen...

I'm really getting ready to say PICK ONE. Either you get perfectly balanced homemade meals and a spotless home that *I* have maintained because others don't do basic cleanup in the kitchen (I'm not even talking dishes, I'm literally talking put stuff away and wipe your crumbs. Maybe sweep once in awhile and wipe off the table if you feed the kids)
OR you have children who are engaging in mind-building, non-TV activities under my direct supervision all day. Outings, all that stuff.

I'm going on 4 (17 weeks PG) and I'm really ready to say I'm done whether DH is or not. at least for a few years.

[cappuccinosmom]

I don't have many (yet).

However, I do think that moms of many probably seem like they are managing better because by nature they have some older children. Without a baby in the house, sometimes I feel at a total loss because my 7, 5 and 3 year olds can do so much themselves, entertain each other, etc. If I had another baby or two, I'd probably feel overwhelmed and not notice how grown-up the older ones are, but they are pretty amazing. What we tend to do as moms is to think of the future as Now+more babies. When in reality, every time a new baby arrives, the other children are a year or two older, more mature, and have the ability to not only care more for themselves but also be active participants in the family rather than full-time "takers".

However, living with someone who has OCD can make life difficult with any sized family. Focusing on developing a more peaceable relationship dynamic with a spouse like that would be my bigger concern than whether or not to have more babies.

[Lady Mayapple]

I only have three, but sometimes that is way too many LOL! One was a surprise, but a good surprise. It's still overwhelming, and after a difficult pregnancy with our last, I told DH immediately that we were DONE, and he had a vasectomy. I guess you really just have to question if you can handle it. Also, you enjoyed being from a large family-How much fun was that for your parents? It's a lot different when you're the one in charge. I have a mom-of-many friend who has 5 children. The last one was unplanned, and their second-oldest was also unplanned. Quite frankly, she is miserable right now. She constantly complains of never being able to leave the house, having to give up other things she was involved in before. She can't even have a phone conversation that lasts longer than three minutes without someone screaming and crying or begging for her attention. Even though she has an "ideal" family situation-Involved, caring, awesome husband, upper-middle-class/high income/ it is STILL extremely difficult for her. Given the situation you described, I think having more children would not be a good idea. Just my 2 cents

[Galatea]

Originally Posted by cappuccinosmom

I don't have many (yet).

However, I do think that moms of many probably seem like they are managing better because by nature they have some older children. Without a baby in the house, sometimes I feel at a total loss because my 7, 5 and 3 year olds can do so much themselves, entertain each other, etc. If I had another baby or two, I'd probably feel overwhelmed and not notice how grown-up the older ones are, but they are pretty amazing. What we tend to do as moms is to think of the future as Now+more babies. When in reality, every time a new baby arrives, the other children are a year or two older, more mature, and have the ability to not only care more for themselves but also be active participants in the family rather than full-time "takers".

I only have 3 and am gestating #4, but this is true. Ds1 and ds2 play together all the time, and they can do chores, and dd plays with them a lot, and is starting to do chores, so it is easier than I thought it would be. Actually, from here, I can see have several more kids. Here is what I do to make it easier:

-Kids have to have chores and do them by themselves. For example, I absolutely do not pick up toys - it is the kids' responsibility. They also sort their own laundry and put it away, and set and clear the table. Our motto is "Everybody works."

-We have a cleaning lady come every two weeks to do the wet cleaning (floors, tub, etc.) The expense is minimal and it keeps the house nice.

-The one with greater need for cleanliness is responsible for fulfilling that need. I need it neater, so I do more straightening up. It is not fair for one partner to hold the other to a higher standard and yet not be willing to do it himself.

[SashaBreeze]

Originally Posted by cappuccinosmom

However, I do think that moms of many probably seem like they are managing better because by nature they have some older children. Without a baby in the house, sometimes I feel at a total loss because my 7, 5 and 3 year olds can do so much themselves, entertain each other, etc. If I had another baby or two, I'd probably feel overwhelmed and not notice how grown-up the older ones are, but they are pretty amazing. What we tend to do as moms is to think of the future as Now+more babies. When in reality, every time a new baby arrives, the other children are a year or two older, more mature, and have the ability to not only care more for themselves but also be active participants in the family rather than full-time "takers".

Also the more kids I have had the more my idea of what is a "big" family has changed. When we had 2-3 kids than my idea was any family to big for a standard car, then when we passed that and had to upgrade to a van my idea morphed with it and became any family that is to big to fit in a normal size van. So now we are coming up to were we have to upgrade to one of those big passenger vans and well.... I still dont thing of us as a "big" family. Larger than some but not really huge or anything.

But for the record I think 5+ baby babies full time would be way beyond my "I can do this" zone. Having the older ones grow up those extra 2 years or so between children is a major plus in my book.

[annie2186]

Thanks for all the replies! I guess it is something you just have to take as it comes

For the record - my husband DOES do alot of the cleaning (and I'm not completely sure if he is borderline OCD, but he does just kind of seem like it! ) but at the same time he COMPLAINS about it!

For example, he is a surface cleaner, if the dishes are away and/or in the dishwasher and the counters are clean - he's good. If the floor is swept he's good.

The thing that gets me is that I was brought up in a "non-surface clean" house. I mean, it was either dirty or it was DEEP-CLEANED.

So, I am the one who actually hand cleans the pots and pans (he will leave these in the sink for days sometimes) I am the one who mops the floors and steam cleans the carpets and otherwise just DEEP-CLEANS the house. I think that since he has never DONE these type of things he doesn't understand how much more time-consuming they really are.

And for the person who asked, I'm not really sure how having a large family affected my parents.....I was the fifth and there was a 5 year age gap between me and my older brother. My parents were also 36 when they had me and 40 when they had my little brother so it we kind of grew up by ourselves in some aspects with "older" brother's and sister's.

However, from my perspective my parents were alot more chill than my husband is. I can survive in a certain amount of noise and craziness but him......not so much!

I guess we will see what the future brings! I'm Catholic so the most I can do is NFP (no permanent measures) and I have quite a few years of fertility ahead of me

[annettemarie]

Well, I used to drink more but now I am pregnant with twins so that's out. KIDDING!

Honestly, I don't know. It's just our normal. Unless you're having higher order multiples or other out of the ordinary, it's not as if six kids just get dumped on your doorstep, you know? You start with one and the change in gradual, and hopefully by the time you're a "big family" you have older kids who can help out a bit.

I tend to be very organized, which helps, and I've learned to let a lot go. I have OCD and my house isn't clean at all. We are fairly organized though. I'm into color coding. We just manage, I guess.

[wendybird]

I agree with the fact that they come one at a time and life becomes normal. We are not scheduled people, but we have structure that lends to a peaceful atmosphere. My house is usually fairly quiet(lol, though when it is not it is REALLY not). We believe in little people helping keep the family running efficiently, they then feel a part of things, and stuff gets done while they learn. I think this is where AP really helps out...we respect them and they strive to earn that respect. The second helpful part is organization and simplification. Everyone has 3 pairs of shoes(except dad). Church shoes, sandals, and sneakers.This way there is no heap of shoes in every closet. We have a space for everything, and not too much(on purpose).
All that to say that if someone would have told me when I had 3 that I would have 7+ that I would have had no clue how to do that. Time and willingness to learn on the job has worked wonders. The fact that you would want a large family speaks to the fact that it can work,imho.

[queenofchaos]

Originally Posted by annettemarie

Well, I used to drink more but now I am pregnant with twins so that's out. KIDDING!

Honestly, I don't know. It's just our normal. Unless you're having higher order multiples or other out of the ordinary, it's not as if six kids just get dumped on your doorstep, you know? You start with one and the change in gradual, and hopefully by the time you're a "big family" you have older kids who can help out a bit.

I tend to be very organized, which helps, and I've learned to let a lot go. I have OCD and my house isn't clean at all. We are fairly organized though. I'm into color coding. We just manage, I guess.

And often you become philosophical about things. There are days that are better than others. Some days you feel like you can't cope and some days are a snap. Sometimes I think it's 90% attitude. If I think I can, I can.
My DH is no picnic either. I can't say that he has OCD tendencies, but he whines a lot about the state of the house. (And when people stop by they usually comment about how clean and organized it is for having so many kids, so I know it's not all that bad.) HOWEVER, as our family has grown, he has changed and is better than he used to be about a LOT of things. While I wouldn't count on having more children being an impetus to change, it does have that tendency.

[momtoafireteam]

Originally Posted by queenofchaos

And often you become philosophical about things. There are days that are better than others. Some days you feel like you can't cope and some days are a snap. Sometimes I think it's 90% attitude.

I agree. I had 5 kids aged 5 and under (oldest is now 7 and I am pregnant with #6) and I am not one of those Moms who has everything perfect. I cut corners where I can, and I dont do things that arent necessary. We have spent a lot of money to make our life as easy as possible (bigger housing, the biggest washer and dryer money can buy so I do less laundry loads, a very comfortable large car) and other than that we just deal. TRUST ME, there are days when I stand in the kitchen seriously debating how bad it would *really* be to feed the kids popsicles for dinner because I am so incredibly exhausted and frustrated. But I dont. Those nights we have PB+J and fruity milkshakes and call it good.

My long point is that some moms of many are super Moms, sleep 3 hours a day and do fully cooked breakfast every morning. Some dont. Most are just like you, and you could do it too!!