SAHMing because DH really wants it?

[cdmommie]

I have been home with my kids since DD1 was born. I was working and planned to keep working and taking her with me but I came down with HORRIBLE PPD and just could not work. Once the PPD was under control I decided to go back to work and after just 2 weeks I quit to stay home with my baby. Even though she was with me at work, it wasn't the same. I made that choice (to my surprise, lol).

When she was 10 months old I found out I was pregnant again and decide I would continue staying home until both children were in school. I knew full well that would be 5 years down the road but it seemed like the right thing for our family.

Now, DD1 is 2y10mo and DD2 is 15 months and I have finally graduated college (switched to online once I had babies). Our financial situation is really really bad at the moment. And I do mean BAD... desperately bad. So I have been applying for jobs for the past few months. My husband said he was okay with this, given our situation. But still...no job. I have applied for hundreds of jobs and I am feeling a little hopeless now.

I told DH how I was feeling and he confessed he really wants me home with the kids. He even went so far as to say the reason I haven't been hired by anyone is because I am MEANT to be with our babies.

So, now I am stuck in the middle. I want to be home as much as he wants me to be home, but I feel like we NEED the money. He wants me to stop looking for jobs and just accept that I need to be home.

Do any of you stay home because it is what your partner really truly wants and believes is right?

Don't get me wrong, he is not telling me what to do, he is just voicing his preference and I know he will support me no matter what I actually decide. But I also feel like he deserves a say in how his children are raised and by whom they are raised.

[happysmileylady]

If he wants you home that badly, then he needs to show that by acting to resolve the financial situation. He needs to pick up a second job delivering pizzas or newspapers or something, or try to find one full time job that will provide for the additional money you need. OR, you guys need to discuss other severe measures-moving, selling your house etc-to make you SAHM possible.

We were/are in a similar situation here, I did end up picking up a part time gig. DH says he wants me home as much as I want to be home, but he hasn't done much towards bringing in the additional money himself so I had to. So I did what I had to do, because it's what we needed me to do. I just did it, I didn't really discuss it with him.

If you guys need the money and he doesn't do anything to address that, even after discussion, then I suggest just going and doing what needs to be done without additional discussion. If you do get something and he gets upset, just tell him that you have to do what's best for the family, regardless of either of your desires. That's part of being an adult. And it sucks.

[Linda on the move]

Originally Posted by cdmommie

So, now I am stuck in the middle. I want to be home as much as he wants me to be home, but I feel like we NEED the money. He wants me to stop looking for jobs and just accept that I need to be home.

Have you looked into ways to make money while being a SAHM, such as watching another child or two? Depending on how much you would make with a job, you wouldn't need to watch very many children to make as much as you would at an office job once you subtracted your child care expenses?

Working part time in the evenings when you DH is with the kids is another option.

On the other question of whether or not I would be home full time if my DH wanted me to be but I did not want to be, my answer is "no". We recently crossed that bridge and it took us a few months to work it out. I loved being home with the kids when they were little, but they are both in school full time and I wanted to retrain for an eventually re-entry to the workforce, and my DH really didn't want me to because he loves me being home. It took us awhile to work through it, but now he agrees that me being happy is more important than me being at home. I'm back in school!

[cappuccinosmom]

There are times when what keeps me from looking for a job is that dh values my work in the home and with the children so much, and that he would be devastated for the kids if I had to or chose to work. It's not that I want to leave home but that at times it seems like things would be easier if I had a steady income too.

However, the caveat to that is that my dh works himself into the ground in order to make me SAH possible and is content with an extremely simple and frugal lifestyle. So when another income is needed, he picks up another job.

So yes, sometimes it's dh unmoveable stand on what is best for our children that reminds me where I stand on the issue too. We agreed on this before we even married--I would not have married him if he expected me to WOH when we had children, and he would not have married me if I expected to WOH when we had children. It's just easy to get to feeling desperate or worried and lose sight of the fact that what I am doing is tremendously important to our children.

[major_mama11]

My dh prefers me to SAH (and I would prefer to SAH), but dh is not willing to make the concrete changes that would enable us to get by on his income alone. This past winter, we went from my PT paycheck paying for groceries, to my paycheck being needed to pay the mortgage, because DH had zero pay for a while. DH's workplace also lost their health coverage during that time. He works for his family's business, and feels like if he quits, the company will collapse. Well, it's collapsing anyway, so really his quitting would merely be speeding the inevitable.

I have just now gone from "casual" employee, to PT benefitted employee. DH is very upset with me over this, but my rationale is that I'm doing what I need to do for my kids to be provided for and healthy. DH's work is just too unstable. I hope that DH will step it up and look for a more stable job so that I can fully SAH, but until then, I don't feel like he has a right to complain about watching the kids while I work the occasional overnight shift. (I should add that my mom is our babysitter, so luckily we don't have to worry about who is with the kids when I'm gone).

[crunchy_mommy]

Originally Posted by happysmileylady

If he wants you home that badly, then he needs to show that by acting to resolve the financial situation. He needs to pick up a second job delivering pizzas or newspapers or something, or try to find one full time job that will provide for the additional money you need. OR, you guys need to discuss other severe measures-moving, selling your house etc-to make you SAHM possible.

I think if this is meaningful to him & to YOU as well, you can brainstorm ideas like the above to make this work. BUT, I would never be a SAHM *just* because your DH wants you to... you have to want it to. YOUR FEELINGS MATTER! I can't really tell from your post if you enjoy being a SAHM or are eager to get back in the workforce, but you need to figure that out.

I always wanted DH to stay home with the kids. He's just... good at it. He's a great dad & he's more "housewife-ish" than I could ever be (i.e. he can play with DS and load the dishwasher, he actually does the laundry, he's way more patient with DS than I am, etc.) I also had a higher income & more earning potential than he did. But once DS was born, it was clear to both of us that we wanted the reverse -- DH really wanted to work, and I really wanted to be home with DS. So DH got a higher-paying job, I WAH (now only part-time but hopefully I can quit altogether by next year). Even though I still feel he'd be a better SAHD than I am a SAHM, this is what works best for us because it most takes our needs & desires into account.

[laughymama]

My husband believes me staying at home is a necessity. He thinks it's what is best for our kids. (And I agree.)

He would get a second job if our financial situation became desperate. He helps work with me on ideas and lifestyle changes we can make when times get a little tougher and we need to become more frugal. He would do all of this before entertaining the idea of me going to work.

He also really values me as a homemaker. Without me here, our home would not run efficiently.

BUT...

If for whatever reason he could not work a second job or we just could not swing it on one income then he would not expect me to stay at home if I felt like I should work.

Then again, I can see my husband saying the same thing yours did. That long with no calls, he would probably come to the conclusion that me staying at home is obviously what's supposed to happen right now. (We are Christians so in our case it would be God telling us/showing us.)

I would probably agree wit him. But I know my husband would go out and work odd jobs or get a second job for extra income in order to get us back up on our feet or make ends meet.

Like the Previous Posters have said, I think if it's truly important to him then he should make a concentrated effort to figure out some way for you to still stay at home with the babies AND improve your financial situation.

Are you crafty at all? Maybe you could look into Etsy. Have you considered babysitting?
If you feel like you could somehow contribute financially from home then definitely explore those avenues.

Our lifestyle is very simple and we're in the process of simplifying it even more and become more self sufficient. (Gardening, Chickens..etc.) He works with me to make stuff like this happen so we can live on one income. He values me being home. I value the hard work he does in order for us to have this lifestyle and for me to have the opportunity to stay home.

Definitely talk to your DH and figure out what he's willing to do and what alternatives you two can consider if you both truly want you to stay at home.
Good luck, Mama!

[dahlialia]

I wonder if you and your dh can spend some time talking over details. Like:

what does he value about having you home? what do you value?
what does the financial situation need to be, for you to be comfortable with it? for him to be comfortable with it?
where do either of you still have some energy, to find a way to meet that financial need, without losing what you value? (him taking on extra work, you taking on something you can do at home, you working evenings/weekends, you both giving up non-essentials to trim the budget, etc).

[mamazee]

I think it's great that you're on the same page, that is that you both want you to SAHM, even if it doesn't turn out to be practical. I think it's an issue of details, as in number crunching to see how much actual difference in income there would be, and then seeing if there's some other way to make that up, and specifically what sacrifices there would be for both choices. Good luck!

[hotmamacita]

Originally Posted by cdmommie

So, now I am stuck in the middle. I want to be home as much as he wants me to be home, but I feel like we NEED the money. He wants me to stop looking for jobs and just accept that I need to be home.

Do any of you stay home because it is what your partner really truly wants and believes is right?

Yes. I also truly want to and believe it is right.

We have been through awful financial times as well.

Don't get me wrong, he is not telling me what to do, he is just voicing his preference and I know he will support me no matter what I actually decide. But I also feel like he deserves a say in how his children are raised and by whom they are raised.

He does. You do too.

[OkiMom]

My DH would be crushed if I wanted to work outside of the home. One because it would kill me to leave my children with someone else (I did for a short period of time when I was still working full time and ended up having panic attacks, Im fine with 2-3 hour times but 8-12 like I was working was to much). Second he really depends on me being home, Im the one that takes care of EVERYTHING around the house, makes sure he has what he needs for work, washes his uniforms etc. Third, he spends weeks and months away from the girls an I training and deployed, one of the only reasons he is able to do it with a good conscious is because he knows the girls and I are well taken care of. He doesn't have to worry about what his children are doing because he knows they are with me.

My question is do you WANT to work outside of the home or do you think you NEED to work outside to make ends met? Have you really looked at how much you would be making compared to how much you would be spending. Let me take us for example, we have 2 soon to be 3 children, we live a very simple lifestyle (one car, all our food made from scratch, very limited entertainment, one cell phone etc) that would have to change if we were to have me get a job outside of the house. I did the calculations once and it worked out kind of like this
My earning potential is around 60,000 a year before taxes so about 5000 a month Ill say 4500 per month when you take taxes out but wed have to
Get child care. Around here the cheapest you can get per child is 600 per month. 600X3=1800
Get another car. Which would mean a car payment (which right now we don't have), an insurance payment (which right now we pay a year in advance so we don't have), gas for a second car, maintenance for a second car so Ill be cheap and say 300 for the car payment, 100 for insurance, 150 for gas (its a commute for any job I could get) and probably a good 50 for maintenance (thats how much we spend on average on DH's car). So 300+100+150+50=600
Then the increase on the food budget because I know Im not going to be able to make everything from scratch if I was working. I had the flu a couple of months back and our food budget went from 200 for the month to 600 and we ate out a few times adding another 150. That would probably be about average since I wouldn't be able to really do much working 8-12 hours a day. So an additional 500 or so in food costs
Clothing costs, right now i shop sales on fabric and make all the girls clothing or I trade clothes with friends and do clothing swaps. So I might spend 50-100 a year on clothes for the girls and maybe another 20 for me (I live in clothes until they fall apart since i don't have to make an impression on anyone). Since I won't really have time to sew or spend time swapping with other moms (honestly, if I was working I know weekends would end up being either cleaning, playing with the girls or church) so Ill probably spend almost 500 a year on clothing for the girls and another 200 a year on me for work clothing/dry cleaning etc. So another 50 per month.
My husband is big into preschool education and the only reason he hasn't enrolled our oldest into preschool yet is because Im homeschooling her. If I worked I couldn't do that so he would want to put her in school. Thats an additional 600 or so a month not including supplies and uniforms (all preschools over here have uniform and supply fees ranging from 500-2000 a year depending on the school).
We would end up having to get an additional cell phone since the jobs I could get require me to be on call after hours (think emergency service type jobs). Right now we have one prepaid cell phone that we spend maybe 50 every other month on minutes. That wouldn't' work out to well so we would have to get a cell phone plan which the cheapest where we are is around 200 a month.
Since we are always home together we don't do much in the way of entertainment. My husband spends all his time talking to me when the girls are asleep. If I wasn't home then he would rent movies/games, go to the movies with the girls etc. When I was working he spent around 100/month on entertainment items. I could easily see him spending more now that we have two children, probably closer to 150 a month.
So, adding it all up we would be spending an additional 3900 a month in expenses, I would be working 8-12 hours a day, 5 days a work for around 600 a month after expenses and Im underestimating on expenses. We don't live in the states right now and these could easily become more if gas or food prices jump (which they do a lot) or if the day cares become packed (which they do a lot, during summer time there are times that the day cares become completely full and people end up spending as much as 1000 per month on daycare for one child so they can get them in somewhere).

Im just saying a lot of time you think you will make all this money working outside of the home. If you have family near by you might but a lot of the time for people who don't have family nearby or no support system the money you make minus expenses pretty much negate each other.
Have you checked out doing something while at home? Or providing tutoring/sewing lessons etc? Are you crafty? Could you start selling stuff you crafted? Could you do housekeeping for someone while your husband is there to watch the children? One of my friends stateside makes around 400 a month going into a business one night a week and spending 2 hours cleaning and straightening their offices.
Looking at your expenses is there a way to cut back on expenses. Do you have a second car that you could sell and take public transportation when you had to (yea, I know it sucks but it saves a lot of cash)? Do you qualify for WIC?

[mamazee]

I did the numbers and found the same on a smaller scale. My income potential might be $30,000 in this economy, maybe less. I'd have one child in full time daycare and one in before/after school care and day camps all summer vacation. I wouldn't be able to cook from scratch so food would cost more, and we ate out a lot more before kids (when we were both working) and that would likely happen too, as I found in thsoe days that it was hard to work full time and plan meals consistently. We'd probably need a housekeeper, as I would need much more help from dh to keep the house clean and he hasn't set his life up to allow for as much work as that would entail. I'd have to spend a ton more on clothing. Also hair care and makeup, as I don't care too much about that now but I'd have to present myself differently if I went back to work. I'd use a lot more gas. And my dh has a pretty high income, and not only would we pay taxes on my income, but we'd get into a higher tax bracket and have to pay more taxes on his income as well. Net loss. So do some number crunching, consider all the expenses associated with working and not just the income, and see how it would all pan out. If you do end up finding you will make more money and do need to work, you should at least have realistic numbers for budgeting purposes.

And like the PP said, it's possible you'll find you'll make more money working than not, but even then if it's a small amount of money you might be able to cut back on an expense or take in some kind of work from home to make up the difference. Or work part time a few evenings when your dh is home to watch kids. I guess the point is that there are often lots of possibilities, and not just two (SAHM or go back to work full time).

[cdmommie]

Originally Posted by cappuccinosmom

There are times when what keeps me from looking for a job is that dh values my work in the home and with the children so much, and that he would be devastated for the kids if I had to or chose to work. It's not that I want to leave home but that at times it seems like things would be easier if I had a steady income too.

However, the caveat to that is that my dh works himself into the ground in order to make me SAH possible and is content with an extremely simple and frugal lifestyle. So when another income is needed, he picks up another job.

So yes, sometimes it's dh unmoveable stand on what is best for our children that reminds me where I stand on the issue too. We agreed on this before we even married--I would not have married him if he expected me to WOH when we had children, and he would not have married me if I expected to WOH when we had children. It's just easy to get to feeling desperate or worried and lose sight of the fact that what I am doing is tremendously important to our children.

Thank you! Your words really helped me. We also agreed I would stay home with our kids long before we even decided to have kids. It is so easy, especially in the bad economy, to loose sight of what's really important.

I actually decided to go back to school part time and he is also going back to school for a Graduate Degree. This way we won't be paying on either of our school loans for a while, and that is enough to get us by until the kids are in school.

Sorry for my late response, but thanks for the insight!