Do you have a will? If so, how did you decide who to leave your kids to?

[paintedfire]

I have a will, but since DF and I are getting married in August and having our first child in January we're planning on having one drawn up together after we return from our honeymoon.

Just one little wrinkle - we have absolutely no idea who to leave our child to in case something were to happen to the both of us.

Neither set of grandparents' are viable options - my mother is sick and my father's lifestyle just isn't compatible, his father is a raging UAV and his mother just ignores this.

So, basically we're left with close friends. But the problem isn't that we lack people who would be willing and that we trust - it's that we can't decide. We've got amazing friends. How to chose between them is what we're struggling with right now.

How did you make the call?

[rightkindofme]

We also lack suitable grandparents (in our case all three currently living are seriously abusive) so we had to go hunting amongst close friends. We considered a variety of factors: how long people had been in our lives, how stable people were, how 'grown up', how likely people were to raise our kids the way we want them raised even if we are dead, and who is financially in a position to not be negatively impacted.

We have first, second, and third choice of homes officially designated in our will. We included a letter to be unofficially part of the custody hearing directed at a future judge explaining the type, kind, and quantity of abuse we went through and why we adamantly do not want our children ever being placed with any biological family member. We detailed why we listed our choices and why we put them in the order we put them in.

Our first choice is one of my closest friends and she has been for about 11 years. She would absolutely in every way do her best to raise my children in a way consistent with my values even if/when they conflict with her own. She has had multiple romantic partnerships where she helped raise their children and she did a smashing job. She is financially very secure and she is getting close enough to retirement that she told me that if she got the kids in about five years she would probably move to working full time for a really long time until the kids were settled because she is pretty set up. I think that would be awesome. The main reason I worry about a judge not picking her is that she is a 'single' (though long-term partnered) lesbian transsexual woman. If I get a super conservative judge they may pass her over despite the fact that she is the best thing since sliced bread.

Our second choice is another super close friend of mine. We were born across the street from one another so there isn't much about me she doesn't know. I love her and trust her to be a good guardian, but she would absolutely raise my kids according to her values and we uhm don't always agree. So she would love my kids and treat them well, but it would not be the life I prefer to envision for them. But she's hetero, married, a CPA, and her husband is a high level employee for Microsoft. They look completely stable and ideal on paper.

Our third choice is my husband's best friend. The only reason he is third choice is because he specifically told us that whereas he would do it if really were necessary he wants to be down the list of options. His wife is awesome and more willing than he is, but they are not yet settled with kids and the idea still makes him nervous. I think they would do a reasonable job anyway. Once again the kids wouldn't have the life we envision for them, but they would be safe and loved.

So yeah, that's where we went with this.

[Jaesun's Dad]

My partner and I have discussed it and we know the sequence, but while it is agreed upon it is not in writing. It's something I brought up early on and is good to decide, but unfortunately if something suddenly happened to both of us it's not documented. I have faith it would probably work out the way we intend by default though. Or close to it.

[paintedfire]

We've got it narrowed down to three choices, as well. The order is completely alluding us, though.

Option #1: One of my closest female friends, Beth. It's her, me, and another two friends that DF always calls a real-life version of Sex and the City. We don't find it as funny as he does, though. Pros are that she's established in her field, wouldn't be crushed financially, knows how I want would like the baby to be raised. Cons are that she's single and . . . well, that's it. She doesn't have the greatest taste in men, but I know she would never let some of the greaseballs I've seen her with in the past near any of my kids.

Option #2: My best friend for the last nearly twelve years, Matt. We met the week I moved to London for grad school when I was eighteen. Pros are that he's very successful, would raise any children we have in line with our wishes, and I'd trust him with my life (I actually have done this on occasion, actually). He's pretty much been my favorite person in the world since the day we met. Cons are that he's pretty much a nomad, single, and gay - the last one is only listed as a con if the he ended up in court (I'm thinking about my soon-to-be FIL here - bleh). We live in New York, though, so that's not as big a deal as it would be if we were in a red state.

Option #3: DF's best friend, Peter. They've known each other since they were in college, though Peter is a little bit older than DF, and they work together now. Pros are that he makes an extremely good living, he too knows our wishes about how we want our kids raised, and he's already a really great father. Cons are that he works very long hours, is divorced, and listens to horrible music. Though that last one is just me making fun of him, even here.

None of them are Jewish, but like I said, they all know how we'd like our kids brought up. I know how lucky we are to have so many wonderful people that we could trust with our children, but I'm seriously stumped.

It's just so weird to think of anyone but you raising your children. Of course, the best case scenario is that we're both alive to see our great-grandchildren, but life doesn't always turn out like that. I'm just blank here.

[Areia]

Yes, we have a will and also life insurance.

My parents are our first choice if something happens to both of us. They are only in their 60s and they watch her now for us while we work so she just loves them to bits and I know they would raise her according to our wishes (although the limited TV rule would probably go right out the window).

Our second is my brother. He and DD are very close, he absolutely adores her and I know he would take excellent care of her. My brother isn't married and he dates a lot. I'm not so worried about this - he is perfectly capable of raising DD on his own and he also never introduces her to any of his dates unless they serious (so she's met exactly one of his girlfriends in her 2.5 years). If something happens before he is married, I'm sure he wouldn't get seriously involved with anyone unless he felt they would be fully supportive of his role in DD's life.

My sister and her husband are our third choice. They are also very close to DD and I know they would take excellent care of her and in fact are the only ones that share my spiritual beliefs. However, they are child-free by choice and have a life style that while fun and exciting, isn't exactly kid friendly so adding a little one to the mix would really stress their marriage I think. They live 1/2 hour away from both my brother and parents though and would totally still be involved in DD's life.

We also have a provision in our will for our dog - she would go to DH's brother. He loves our dog and would take excellent care of her. We set up a separate fund to cover vet visits, meds, any surgeries etc that might be necessary. He also lives close to my parents so DD could still play with Lady on a regular basis.

[Joyster]

We chose DH's best friend as our first choice. He is very close to the boys and while he doesn't have any children, he has been a Big Brother to several kids and has been an amazing influence and role model. He has also worked with kids extensively, and everyone knows when "Uncle Rod" has arrived because all the preschoolers go nuts! He has similar values and religious beliefs (we're not Bible thumpers or anything, but our faith is important and core to our lefty ways *G*) and the help of his siblings and mother. His family (mother and sibs) and ours (sibs and parents) are pretty much family as is, so we have no problems in worrying that they would be connected. The only hitch now is that he's pursuing his dream to be a travel writer, so we can't die, because I wouldn't want to impede that, he's waited too long.

Our second choice (though we haven't officially asked) is another family we are close with. They have three children as well, so this might be a hardship for them as they would end up with six! They do have different religious beliefs, but the values at the core of them are the same and we feel confident that they'd keep our boys involved in our faith, even if it meant sending them to church with DH's parents.

As for finances, we'd be leaving our money for the care of our children, thankfully it should be enough to see them through college.

How did we make the call? Well while there were feelings to consider, ultimately it's the best choice for our children overall. "Uncle Rod" is like a brother to us, even moreso than our blood siblings and he is most closely connected to the children. He also has a track record, is responsible to the nth degree and has a lot of support in family, friends etc. Really, no one was terribly surprised when we chose him. He and DH have been friends for 20 years, I've known him for 15. I think he was the natural choice.

[mtiger]

Just remember, folks - you can't *actually* will your children. All your will is doing wrt their custody should something happen to you is indicating your wishes. Any family member with standing will have the right to file for custody - and is more likely to win than a stranger - despite your wishes.

[GuildJenn]

We picked family partly for the reasons mtiger mentions but also 'cause we have good family. Unfortunately too much good family because people will be upset.

But we chose the family that we felt would be the most stable and loving for our son, the most committed to making sure he keeps in touch with all the OTHER family on both sides, and it was also important to us to keep him in Canada if possible to keep the disruption level down as much as possible.

The money would go in trust with some coming out annually for the whole family's use and some coming out for our son later.

[rightkindofme]

Originally Posted by mtiger

Just remember, folks - you can't *actually* will your children. All your will is doing wrt their custody should something happen to you is indicating your wishes. Any family member with standing will have the right to file for custody - and is more likely to win than a stranger - despite your wishes.

Given the history of CPS reports, jail time, children taken away, and serious psychological problems in both of our families I'd be pretty shocked if a judge thought they were good choices.

[mtiger]

Originally Posted by rightkindofme

Given the history of CPS reports, jail time, children taken away, and serious psychological problems in both of our families I'd be pretty shocked if a judge thought they were good choices.

Just know that it could be a protracted experience. I would suggest speaking with an attorney to set up a "standby guardianship" should the children need to be cared by someone other than yourselves due to death, etc.

Anyway... just wanted to remind folks that you can't will people.

[rightkindofme]

Originally Posted by mtiger

Just know that it could be a protracted experience. I would suggest speaking with an attorney to set up a "standby guardianship" should the children need to be cared by someone other than yourselves due to death, etc.

Anyway... just wanted to remind folks that you can't will people.

We worked extensively with a lawyer to the tune of many thousands of dollars. Nothing is full proof, but it's pretty foolish to do nothing.

[cristeen]

We're also working with a lawyer for similar reasons. My MIL is not coming within 100 ft of my son if I can help it. And while I've recently poked my toe in the water of allowing my father back into my life, there is no way I could/would trust him with raising my child - I'm not sure how my mother trusted him with raising us. BIL is single, childless and has no desire to change that, so he's out (although he's the appointed guardian of the $$). My sister is married, childless and has no desire to change that (last I heard, haven't spoken to her in years) - even if that weren't the case though... she's such a self-centered UAV that I don't want her anywhere near my kid.

Which meant looking outside the family. The automatic first (and only) choice is my BFF. We've known each other since I was born. Our mothers were BFFs since HS. She knows how I want my child raised, and she loves him dearly - her parents are grandparents to him. And she would have the full resources of our (not inconsiderable) estate at her disposal to fight for him if necessary. And she knows it's a possibility, and has vowed to fight.

All of this information was shared with our attorney who is currently in the process of drawing up the paperwork. She has told us that having a letter to the judge included in the paperwork detailing why we chose the person we chose as guardianship and not someone who was blood-related would be a really good idea. It lets the judge know that it is not a random decision, that these people were considered and rejected as suitable. Ultimately though, it is up to the judge.

Hopefully it's never an issue.

[ilovemygirl]

Originally Posted by rightkindofme

We worked extensively with a lawyer to the tune of many thousands of dollars. Nothing is full proof, but it's pretty foolish to do nothing.

When both parents clearly express their desires for their child's care and go to the lengths to make it "legal" by creating a will, it makes it A LOT harder for those wishes to be ignored. I'm sure it happens once in a while but it's better than just winging it, especially if you have someone you really do and/or really don't want caring for your child.

As to the op's question ... I chose the person who has the closest parenting, lifestyle, ideals, etc. as I do. Assuming all is even as far as love and resources ... where would your child feel most at home?
For example, I have an only child and we live a very quiet and slow paced lifestyle. We don't watch tv, eat organic and vegetarian, and go to museums and artsy towns for fun instead of amusement parks.
It made a lot more sense to me to have dd be with an older single cousin of ours who has no children that shares a lot of our lifestyle choices than a sibling that I have with several kids that is the exact opposite of us.

[2xy]

I had a will when my kids were small. I was active duty military, so I was required to, anyway. Their dad and I decided upon his aunt and uncle, because they are wicked cool and great parents, and were financially responsible. Both of our sets of parents were lacking in many ways. My parents were uninvolved and his parents have a volatile relationship and can't handle money properly. I could just see all of our life insurance money being spent on Lotto.

But now, their dad and I are divorced and live in different states. The likelihood of us both dying at the same time is slim....plus, DS1 is a legal adult now, anyway. I know that if I were to die, DS2 would probably want to stay here with DS1 and their step-dad. Not because he doesn't love his dad....he most certainly does....but because the kid has finally been living in one spot long enough to grow some roots and build solid friendships. I could see DS1 maybe filing for guardianship of his brother in order to make this happen.

[texmati]

We are lucky that my parents are young enough to take our son, and this little bean too, I guess. As everyone gets older, we will probably change that to my brother or sister.

It's very important to me that the person already be a parent, and already have a good relationship with my kiddos. I wouldn't thrust parenting a 2 year old to someone who hasn't been there. Becoming a parent is a huge life change, and I think my brother and sister should get to choose when that will happen for them.

[baglady]

I'm sure you've thought of this, but for us it was important to consider who would raise the children as culturally close to the way we would.

We chose my sister and her husband. We have very similar cultural views so I feel fairly comfortable with trusting them. I know my kids would be exposed to the ideas/experiences DH and I find important. I also know that they would be loved and treated as though they were bio kids.

[velochic]

Originally Posted by mtiger

Just know that it could be a protracted experience. I would suggest speaking with an attorney to set up a "standby guardianship" should the children need to be cared by someone other than yourselves due to death, etc.

Anyway... just wanted to remind folks that you can't will people.

What do you mean you can't will a person? A designated guardian in a will is legally binding.

[velochic]

Similar to Baglady, culture was an important factor. Financial stability was another. It was important to us that the person taking care of dd would not try to cheat her out of her inheritance should we die before she reaches majority. Education is very important to us, so it was imperative that the designated guardian be of a like mind about the school we send dd to as well as attitude about higher education. Geography played a big role, too. We also wanted to make sure that the guardian would not raise dd in any particular religion and let her figure it out on her own.

The one person we would have liked most from a philosophical perspective, the one we feel would raise her most closely to the way we raise dd is dh's sister. However she still lives in his native country and could not immigrate to take care of dd. Dd would have to move abroad to be with them, which legally wouldn't be a problem as she has dual citizenship, but we felt like that would just be too much of a shock to her.

We chose my cousin, who lives close by (as in a couple miles from us). She is a single professional (tax attorney) and childless, but loves children and adores dd. She has a strong sense of family, would use dd's money appropriately, make sure dd would continue to go to the private school she attends, and would take her regularly back to dh's country to visit HIS family to keep that connection alive. The last point was VERY important to us. We *had* to pick someone who would and could travel with dd to stay in touch with dh's family (his family has been trying for decades to get a visa to come visit in the US, but it always falls through).

We also take care of my mother and my cousin would take in my mother to care for her as well. And she would take care of these loved ones not out of obligation but because she is just a wonderfully loving person and would be honored to help in this way. That makes a difference. She wouldn't look at is as a burden. Overall, not my sisters, not my parents (they are far too elderly anyway), but a cousin was the best choice.

It's good that you're thinking through this. Death is inevitable. It's just the timing that's uncertain.

Oh, and our wills took 9 months to get together. We have money and property in 3 different countries and some of the wording had to be more complicated regarding how dd would deal with her inheritance. Also with dh's family not being American, there was some different wording around guardianship (SIL is back-up guardian). We spent a LOT of time on this... and it still only cost $750, with a $250 "professional courtesy" because my cousin, the attorney, recommended this estate lawyer. I can't imagine it costing a lot to get fairly straight-forward wills made up. Good luck!

[GuildJenn]

Originally Posted by velochic

What do you mean you can't will a person? A designated guardian in a will is legally binding.

In Ontario where I am, it's really not: "Although the designation of a guardian in a will is not binding on the Court, it is significant evidence as to what the deceased believed was in the best interest of his or her children."

ETA: We were pretty sure there would be some argument if we died, so we have spent a few years talking to everyone about our decision and getting people to know one another and hopefully at this point it is a moot point. But I have seen a case where the grandparents successfully fought guardianship going to friends.

[velochic]

Originally Posted by GuildJenn

In Ontario where I am, it's really not: "Although the designation of a guardian in a will is not binding on the Court, it is significant evidence as to what the deceased believed was in the best interest of his or her children."

Interesting. It's legally binding in the US. (Well, let me put it this way, that's what our attorney said.)