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MIL making DD call her "Mom"**UGLY UPDATE POST 65** - Page 6

post #101 of 124
living with a family member is not "an illegal apartment"

I rented from my mother when I first went on public assistance and they said its a common sight for those who are struggling enough to need the help to be renting a room or several rooms from another person in the family.
post #102 of 124
I think it's illegal because of the separate door issue? Anyhow, I agree, OP, that you need to find a way to move out. With that low of income you would qualify for assistance - probably even housing if that's available in your area. At the very least, food stamps - which would free up a little money. Child care assistance if it's necessary, even temporarily for you to get a job until your DH makes more. I honestly think that even making minimum wage (and if he's not, he needs a new job), $500 for rent is very do-able. Maybe you have to let the other bills slide for awhile so that you can pay for shelter, food, and utilities. If you don't get out soon, you may be stuck in that awful living situation for a very long time. DH made $7 an hour when I got pregnant with our first baby 10 years ago - and we made it somehow, even with car payments and higher rent - we did have medicaid and WIC for awhile, but that was all as far as assistance and we still kept a roof over our head.
post #103 of 124
Quote:
Originally Posted by MaerynPearl View Post
living with a family member is not "an illegal apartment"

I rented from my mother when I first went on public assistance and they said its a common sight for those who are struggling enough to need the help to be renting a room or several rooms from another person in the family.
I don't claim to know the details but apparently they are not living in MIL's apartment, as a family member.

MIL is charging them rent for an apartment that is not up to fire code. Hence, illegal.

Yet another reason to move.
post #104 of 124
Quote:
Originally Posted by laohaire View Post
But $500 a month for an apartment around here, where real estate is dirt cheap, is a pretty good deal.
We're in an average COL area, and it's pretty reasonable here, too. I don't think $500 for a studio is an insurmountable monthly rent, especially since they're already paying something to MIL for the basement apartment.

I wasn't thinking Section 8 housing when I mentioned public assistance, but you're right that in many cases, they'd have to include the ILs income, which will reduce or eliminate public assistance. DH works with Child & Family Services in the childcare subsidies division, and they see that all the time - really young parents who live with their parents and are thus disqualified for the subsidy.

OP, moving out really may be better for you guys financially. You should just do some research and see what shakes out.
post #105 of 124
Its a power trip and huge boundary issue.

However she isn't going to stop as long as your living there. And to be brutally honest. I would get a job or your husband get a second job to move out yes you have debt but so does the rest of the world and there are resources out there to help.

I am not sure of your whole situation but there are certain sacrifices a person just has to make no matter what in order to get on their feet again. Like getting ride of all the "wants" internet, cell phone unless thats the only phone and even then anything outside of the basic plan is not needed.

We have been there before where DH's pay literally dropped over 50% of what we were used to living so all that debt came with us but we didn't qualify for anything either. I was happy we didn't have kids cause we were eating MRE's that he was able to take from work instead of grocery shopping outside of the basics like milk and bread and anything I could make do with. We were poor but we also went without/bare min to get back on our feet. Now we are finally debt free after 5 yrs of busting our butts.
post #106 of 124
I live in the suburbs now, but used to live and go to school in the city. Yes, there are many areas with a high cost of living. Not knowing what your DH does for a living, have you considered moving to the suburbs? I get the debt issue, but your MIL has NO BOUNDARIES.

You are driving yourself crazy trying to understand someone who can't be understood. Your MIL isn't being rational. Obviously, everything you are saying is falling on deaf ears. If your DH isn't able to get through to her and your FIL either agrees with her or can't get through to her you are stuck.

I would sit her down with you and your DH (and not your DD present) and have a come to jesus talk with her. She either respects your wishes or you leave. And mean it. Find another alternative.

I know it is easier said then done and that there are obstacles. I was in a HORRIBLE job. Like boss sexually harassing me, no one at the company taking any action, hostile work conditions, the works. I was there for 3 years. We needed the income, and despite 13 interviews!!! I couldn't find anything else. I was a wreck. My health deteriorated, I was totally stressed out, and very depressed. I talked about my feelings with my DH, I even went to counseling. NOTHING HELPED. I finally found another job and quit like the company was on fire. The second I left that building everything was better. I couldn't change the situation and I couldn't accept the situation, so I had to leave.

Work with your DH on an exit plan and minimize the contact your MIL has with your DD. Tell her if she can't respect your wishes she can't interact with your DD. Everytime she won't respond to gma or tries to get DD to call her mom, pick DD up and leave the room.

As evidenced by the above story, I know how sucky it is to be in a situation you can't change or accept. Good luck on a resolution.
post #107 of 124
I've been reading this thread for the last couple of days but haven't posted. This situation is crazy! It's so manipulative. you graduate college and she can be called grandma?

I'd stop her short next time she says it. If she pulls that, "I won't respond" then tell her that DD won't be talking to her anymore. I don't care what type of deal she says she made. You are her mother.

This is a hill I'd die on. I would be infuriated. I'm already mad for you.
post #108 of 124
Have you sat down with her and said, "Look. You cannot be called Mom or Mama. You don't want to be called Grandma or any variation. What can dd call you?"

There's got to be a way to come up with a solution.

(And yes, I know this is about something bigger, and you DO need to move out, but in the meantime, I think you should be able to come up with a name to call her!)
post #109 of 124
Quote:
Originally Posted by greeny View Post
Have you sat down with her and said, "Look. You cannot be called Mom or Mama. You don't want to be called Grandma or any variation. What can dd call you?"

There's got to be a way to come up with a solution.

(And yes, I know this is about something bigger, and you DO need to move out, but in the meantime, I think you should be able to come up with a name to call her!)
If MIL were rational - sure.

MIL is using it as a means of control. She is not going to just come up with a "compromise" and give her her control. Especially now that she sees she hit a sore spot, she's going to ride it for all it's worth. Remember, she kept enforcing the "you're not calling me grandma" MINUTES after her DIL discussed it with her directly.
post #110 of 124
Hello!

In some situations we do try and let certain disagreements be worked out on the boards among the members. That doesn't always work out. The side discussion has been removed so the OP's thread can continue.

~Jess
post #111 of 124
My ds calls my parents 'Buddy' and 'Nai Nai', his great grandparents he call by the same names I use to refer to them (Bompa, Nana, Grammy, Grandma Colvin and Grandpa Jack)

To me, it would be weird for ds to call my parents 'grandma and grandpa', because they arent that old, and because we live with them. So we thought of alternate names that work!

Buddy comes from my dad's love of Buddy Guy, he calls my ds 'Little Guy'
Nai Nai is ds's version of the chinese for Grandma, my sister and I were both born/raised in Asia.
post #112 of 124
Honestly, I think you need to find a way to move out. She sounds... unstable... and I wouldn't want my child living in that environment and being taken care of by that kind of person.
post #113 of 124
Thread Starter 
Thank you EVERYONE. We're still in the same boat. I am becoming increacingly stressed about the situation and MIL is just getting worse (there are so many aspects of her personality that are very "off"). I don't want this to turn into a huge vent about my MIL so I'll refrain from posting those.

I did want to share this.

The other day, we were at a family BBQ. MIL was there. A friend of a friend of MIL asked MIL what my DD called her. MIL replied "DD calls me FirstName. She sometimes calls me "mom". They're forcing her to call me "grandma" but I won't have any of that". Ohhh wow. My DH almost choked on his food. The lady MIL was talking to said that she makes her granddaughter call her "Mom" also- that she's too young to be a grandma. Wow. just Wow. I think I almost fell over in my chair. DH and I left when DD was done eating.

I really want to move out. I can't sleep. I've been getting horrible migraines almost daily. I am SO stressed. It's not just this craziness- it's everything MIL does. There's a huge difference between not agreeing with your MIL and your MIL going on a huge power trip 24/7! Yesterday we were at another barbeque. MIL begged me to go. I asked her before we went if she would be able leave the party at 6pm because my girls go down at 7:30. She was fine with that. At 5:45 I let her know that I was going to gather the kids' things and set them by the door so that we wouldn't be going crazy looking for things before we left. She said okay. At 6pm I asked her if she were ready to go. She was sitting at a table with friends and family. Her response? "Uhh, no, I'm not." I then reminded her about the kids needing to go to bed. She agreed that we should go and told the people at the table "I'll be back. These little girls need to go to bed. *eyeroll*". She still stuck around talking until 6:30.

I learned my lesson. I just can't stand how vindictive she can be. We NEED to get out of here. I've been trying to budget ourselves and see if there is any way that we could get out of here (financially). My husband works in sales and can't get transferred anywhere else. I feel completely overwhelmed.
post #114 of 124
Wow. First off, did your MIL stage her friend to say that she also had her grandkids call her Mom? That is just unbelievable, I thought your situation was so bizarre & then to hear another gma saying the same thing?!? I am in shock.

Anyway... it really sounds like while you're trying to figure out if you can move out, you need to set some really strict boundaries. You don't need to go to a cookout because MIL begs you. You don't need to visit with MIL all day. Do you have access to transportation? I would schedule tons of activities, story hours, playdates, trips to the park, etc. and just avoid MIL for the most part.
post #115 of 124
Quote:
Originally Posted by WindyCityMom View Post
Talk about self centeredness... Ugh. I mean, good, have hopes for your kids.. but don't be so ridiculous and take it out on your grandchildren!


This just stinks. We really can NOT afford to move out. We're in a good amount of debt and are trying to pay it off- so until that's done (probably not until the beginning of next year) we're stuck here.
We just moved out of our in-laws house about three months ago and I had to reply. My future MIL always calls my daughter 'her baby'. There were some other issues, too, but the long story short is that she repeatedly tried to raise my kids the way *she* thought they should be raised. Like, she would take my son, who is unschooled, and tell him he couldn't have a fruit juice popcicle until he sat down and wrote out a page of words for her, because in her words 'if you don't sit and read and write you'll never learn how!!' She also repeatedly gave my daughter those crappy saltine crackers (when she was still exclusively breast fed!!) which made her wake up screaming with a tummy ache in the middle of the night. I could go on and on.

Anyway, GET OUT. DP and I put the word out, and less than a week later, we were in our 2000 sq. ft. house on 5 acres for only $500 a month! We also help our landloard out with 50 hours of labor a month. For our area, this is really cheap! So options are out there.

Gotta go, PM me if needed.
post #116 of 124
Quote:
Originally Posted by WindyCityMom View Post
(there are so many aspects of her personality that are very "off").


I really want to move out. I can't sleep. I've been getting horrible migraines almost daily. I am SO stressed. It's not just this craziness- it's everything MIL does.

I learned my lesson. I just can't stand how vindictive she can be. We NEED to get out of here. I've been trying to budget ourselves and see if there is any way that we could get out of here (financially). My husband works in sales and can't get transferred anywhere else.

I feel completely overwhelmed.
You know what? I was getting headaches every day before we moved out. I too couldn't sleep. I felt awful. I considered leaving my DP just so I could get OUT. Luckily, he finally realized how bad things were (my MIL never did anything to me/the kids in front of him, until the last thing) and we got out. Our relationship almost ended because of how bad she was. I hear that your honey knows how things are; that's great. That's half the battle.

We couldn't afford to move. We are totally broke. But you know what? We did what's right for us, and for our kids, and so I KNOW everything is going to work out for us. Like karma, you know? When I do right, and am right within myself, good things always happen to and for me.

Sometimes you have to take a leap of faith. If I have to go back to work, I will. We choose to sell our Vanagon (my dream car) to pay our rent ahead 4 months. We're doing what we have to in order to not live with them. And even though we're broke, we're happier than we've been since we moved in with them!!

Good luck
post #117 of 124
Quote:
Originally Posted by VisionaryMom View Post
you're right that in many cases, they'd have to include the ILs income, which will reduce or eliminate public assistance. DH works with Child & Family Services in the childcare subsidies division
MAYBE true. Just don't claim your IL's - say you're renting from them, list them by name - and then when you move out, it's not an issue anymore. I was never even asked about my parent's income. It was a non-issue. I think it was because I was over 24, though. Although, my parents did have to sign something saying I was paying them X rent for my living space. Sounds like your MIL won't do that!
post #118 of 124
Also, you sound like you are a wonderful Mommy. Sorry for so many posts, as I kept reading, there was more I wanted to add
post #119 of 124
Thread Starter 
CrunchyMommy- I had to share that because it was that bizarre. It was totally un-staged. This is someone MIL didn't really know- we had just gotten there.

Thanks BabyMae09! Glad to know someone out there "made it". It is wonderful that you all were able to rent a house that cheap!

We're really broke. $1000/mo most months. I checked apartments.com and there aren't any listings in Chicago for $500/mo for rent. We really need to get out of debt.
post #120 of 124
Okay, so I would pick a day where you and Dh can hash it out with them and make a big stink about this. That is just so ridiculous to me....she has been the grandma since the day she was born....does she need the pediatrician to tell her how that worked?!? She may not * feel* like a grandma, but she is not your children's MOM!!

I am just so mad for you. I was a young mom too, I had my first at 20, and also my mom was a teen mom when I was born. But how your MIL is acting is just so disrespectful, and not to be put up with.

Have you checked craigslist? Apartments.com is overpriced. Do you have any friends with a spare room? Trailer parks? Section 8? You are so young, I don't think getting out of debt should be your first priority here, if I can just speak honestly.

She doesnt have to be called Grandma and he doesnt have to be called Grandpa, but they are not the parents of your children. Even if you NEVER graduate from college.

This is a hill I would die on, or move out on so to speak.
That is just not worth the toxicity.

ETA: And also you should distance yourself from her as much as possible. You are allowed to say no.


PS Sorry for the forcefulness but this hits close to home for me, I am also in sales, and I also have a wacky MIL with no boundaries.
But you *are* an adult, no matter what she says. ((hugs))
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