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MIL making DD call her "Mom"**UGLY UPDATE POST 65** - Page 2

post #21 of 124
I don't really understand the comments about how maybe the MIL just doesn't want to use an old-sounding term like "grandma." That may be true on some level, but of all the alternate names she could choose from, she picks MOM. That's no accident, and has nothing to do with simply not wanting to sound old. It's a calculated manipulation, especially when she continues doing it after she's been asked not to. Grandparents who love and respect their children and their partners don't say, "Gee, I'm uncomfortable with being called Grandma, how about another name? Oh I know, I'll be Mom!"

That said, OP, living on your own is the best way to gain complete autonomy. Your MIL is behaving inappropriately (and, IMO, maliciously), but unfortunately she may think she holds some power over you because you live in her home. As frustrating as it must be now, this is a good lesson for you guys for later -- she's showing you that accepting help from her comes with strings attached, so knowing that can inform your decisions about whether to accept any help from her in future years.
post #22 of 124
Start teaching your dd to call her a "great grandma". :
post #23 of 124
This wouldn't necessarily bother me---my mother was "Mom" to my niece (her step niece) until she was about 6 or 7 just because she heard us call her that and she could easily differentiate between "Mommy" or "Mom".

My good friend's mother goes by "Mom O" to her grandkids. She might not actually be doing it to intentionally bother you, it might be what she is used to being called and is comfortable with--and she still probably feels like a Mom in the situation you're in--you guys living with her etc.

BUT it bothers you, so I agree with the others that you and her need to sit down and find a name she likes.

My MIL is "Gigi", but she also objected to "Grandma".
post #24 of 124
It sounds like she is daunted by the idea of being called "grandma" so maybe you can meet halfway

I call my dad papi and I called my grandfather "papi andres". All the grandchildren in my family now call my dad "papi chico". We called my grandmother "mami carmen"
the mami and papi at the beginnings were never confusing for us and having their real names after made sure there was no confusion when we were talking about them.

could you just ask your MIL to try out "Mami" and then her name? and same for the FIL?
post #25 of 124
I understand everyone who is saying that; no matter how much she doesn't want to feel old enough to be a GM, calling herself "mom" is just wrong and she needs to just stop. Philosophically I get your point.

The problem is, that the OP has already tried just telling her to stop and it hasn't changed anything.

By looking at the motivations behind the behavior and trying to understand them, it becomes easier to find a solution. If the OP wants actual change and not just to feel she is in the right, she needs to work with her MIL.

Think of it as practicing gentle disciple on adults. When our children are having temper tantrums or other wise misbehaving, we always try to figure out what is behind the behavior and talk about it, instead of just spanking them till they do as they are told.

Believe me, I'm all for saying that MIL behavior has crossed a line at some point and cutting off the relationship. I haven't spoken to mine in over 2 years. However, if this issue could be easily remedied by just acknowledging MIL's feelings, then isn't it worth a try. Especially considering the living situation.
post #26 of 124
Quote:
Originally Posted by E.V. Lowi View Post
How awful. I don't blame you for being irritated. It's cruel of her.
this.

My mil lives with us, and ITA about what other's are saying about boundries.

Having your MIL want to be called mom is horrible. My mom's mom wants to be called grandma instead of great grandma or super grandma-- and my mom put a stop to *that*.

And if she doesn't want to be called grandma, start having your dd call her aunt, or just by her first name.
post #27 of 124
Quote:
Originally Posted by sapphire_chan View Post
Start teaching your dd to call her a "great grandma". :
I bet just an hour of this would get her very motivated to coming up with a compromise.
post #28 of 124
Quote:
Originally Posted by sapphire_chan View Post
start teaching your dd to call her a "great grandma". :
rotfl!
post #29 of 124
Quote:
Originally Posted by sapphire_chan View Post
Start teaching your dd to call her a "great grandma". :


I would be so livid if my MIL tried something like this. Living in their house has nothing to do with it. I do think you should work on moving out as soon as you possibly can. It sounds like she doesn't respect your boundaries and this probably won't be the last time you have to set her straight. Honestly, I'd start limiting or ending their time alone together if she's unable to respect this basic, commonsense rule.

But definitely don't tolerate it, and don't let anyone tell you to let it go, or that you're overreacting. You aren't. Just reading the OP triggered my mama bear instinct and I'm furious on your behalf. How dare she?
post #30 of 124
If she is calling the grandfather Papi, which I've heard for a lot of grandfathers too, why not Mami instead of Mom?
post #31 of 124
Quote:
Originally Posted by limabean View Post
I don't really understand the comments about how maybe the MIL just doesn't want to use an old-sounding term like "grandma." That may be true on some level, but of all the alternate names she could choose from, she picks MOM. That's no accident, and has nothing to do with simply not wanting to sound old. It's a calculated manipulation, especially when she continues doing it after she's been asked not to. Grandparents who love and respect their children and their partners don't say, "Gee, I'm uncomfortable with being called Grandma, how about another name? Oh I know, I'll be Mom!"

That said, OP, living on your own is the best way to gain complete autonomy. Your MIL is behaving inappropriately (and, IMO, maliciously), but unfortunately she may think she holds some power over you because you live in her home. As frustrating as it must be now, this is a good lesson for you guys for later -- she's showing you that accepting help from her comes with strings attached, so knowing that can inform your decisions about whether to accept any help from her in future years.


post #32 of 124
Quote:
Originally Posted by sapphire_chan View Post
Start teaching your dd to call her a "great grandma". :
love it!!!!!!!!!!
post #33 of 124
Quote:
Originally Posted by eepster View Post



Think of it as practicing gentle disciple on adults. When our children are having temper tantrums or other wise misbehaving, we always try to figure out what is behind the behavior and talk about it, instead of just spanking them till they do as they are told.
We shouldn't have to raise our parents.
post #34 of 124
Quote:
Originally Posted by A&A View Post
We shouldn't have to raise our parents.
Just wait till they reach their 80s, then they start to really need parenting.
post #35 of 124
Quote:
Originally Posted by eepster View Post
Just wait till they reach their 80s, then they start to really need parenting.
I consider this comment ageist.
post #36 of 124
Quote:
Originally Posted by Heavenly View Post
I consider this comment ageist.
As a daughter of an elderly man, I see this more as truthful than as ageist. Although I think "caretaking" is a more accurate word.
Of course, there are always exceptions and I'm sure there are some 80 year olds who don't need caretaking.
post #37 of 124
Quote:
Originally Posted by sapphire_chan View Post
Start teaching your dd to call her a "great grandma". :
Gigi for short.
post #38 of 124
Quote:
Originally Posted by limabean View Post
I don't really understand the comments about how maybe the MIL just doesn't want to use an old-sounding term like "grandma." That may be true on some level, but of all the alternate names she could choose from, she picks MOM. That's no accident, and has nothing to do with simply not wanting to sound old. It's a calculated manipulation, especially when she continues doing it after she's been asked not to. Grandparents who love and respect their children and their partners don't say, "Gee, I'm uncomfortable with being called Grandma, how about another name? Oh I know, I'll be Mom!"

That said, OP, living on your own is the best way to gain complete autonomy. Your MIL is behaving inappropriately (and, IMO, maliciously), but unfortunately she may think she holds some power over you because you live in her home. As frustrating as it must be now, this is a good lesson for you guys for later -- she's showing you that accepting help from her comes with strings attached, so knowing that can inform your decisions about whether to accept any help from her in future years.
Great post!
post #39 of 124
Quote:
Originally Posted by limabean View Post
I don't really understand the comments about how maybe the MIL just doesn't want to use an old-sounding term like "grandma." That may be true on some level, but of all the alternate names she could choose from, she picks MOM. That's no accident, and has nothing to do with simply not wanting to sound old. It's a calculated manipulation, especially when she continues doing it after she's been asked not to. Grandparents who love and respect their children and their partners don't say, "Gee, I'm uncomfortable with being called Grandma, how about another name? Oh I know, I'll be Mom!"

That said, OP, living on your own is the best way to gain complete autonomy. Your MIL is behaving inappropriately (and, IMO, maliciously), but unfortunately she may think she holds some power over you because you live in her home. As frustrating as it must be now, this is a good lesson for you guys for later -- she's showing you that accepting help from her comes with strings attached, so knowing that can inform your decisions about whether to accept any help from her in future years.
well said!
post #40 of 124
My favorite people in the world are my grandparents, Mom and Pop. I have a mother, she is Mama (even at age 27). I never had a problem differentating that Mom was not my mother. B/c I love and admire her so much, I'm hoping that one day I'll be "Mom" to my grandchildren. I sure hope that is ok with my future DILs.

I totally get that you don't like it, though. You've asked her to stop and she hasn't, which is a boundry issue. No advice, just a : and a "good luck" from me!
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