or Connect
Mothering › Mothering Forums › Mom › Parenting › MIL making DD call her "Mom"**UGLY UPDATE POST 65**
New Posts  All Forums:Forum Nav:

MIL making DD call her "Mom"**UGLY UPDATE POST 65** - Page 4

post #61 of 124
Quote:
Originally Posted by A&A View Post
We shouldn't have to raise our parents.
..
post #62 of 124
i havent read the entire thread, but how do you feel about something like mommom? my mom actually preferred "grandma" as opposed to some of the cutesier nicknames, but my 2 year old decided on mommom and so thats what it is, lol... hes got a mommom and a pop-pop, both of which are names he chose.

id seen it mentioned on here before, and i admit, i thought it was kind of weird. but he likes it, and he definitly know the difference between mommom and mama (or mommy, depending on his mood, lol)

that aside, it stinks that shes basically forcing it on your daughter, and completely disrespecting your wishes. she needs to stop
post #63 of 124
Her comment that she can be called grandma when you and your husband finish college is so passive aggressive! She is making it clear that she does not view your or your husband as adults. Is she providing child care while you are in school? I wondered if that's partly where this is coming from.

I'd try to have a calm conversation about it and why it is so hurtful some night after the little ones are asleep and let her know the damage it is doing to your relationship.

My MIL at 70-something with a 42-year old DD wasn't ready to become a grandma when SIL had her baby and she spent a ridiculous amount of time trying to come up with silly names she could be called other than grandma. None stuck and she is Grandma First Name now.
post #64 of 124
Quote:
Originally Posted by Earthy Mama View Post
Completely off topic (but kind of similar) my ex-MIL and I are still close. I am remarried and am expecting. She tells me that she can't wait to meet her new grandchild. Uh? what? And wants to take him/her with her when she takes my other two to visit their father!!!
We have a similar situation in our family, and it's worked out wonderfully. My brother's ex wife remarried and had a daughter. She's now almost 13, and I consider her my niece. She calls my parents grandma and grandpa. She visits them a lot, with her brother(their bio-grandson) and even without him sometimes(they live about 5 hours away)She has even occasionally gone with her brother to stay with his dad(my brother)-she doesn't think of him as dad like her brother does, but thinks of him more as an uncle. My parents recently took all their grandkids(well, all over age 6, not the babies) to Disneyland-including her. We all love her just as much as the others(in all honesty I think she's my mom's favorite though my mom would never admit to having a fave grandkid LOL ). There is NO difference in how she is treated by anyone in the family, she is 100% included as a grandchild(or niece), even as far as being equal with the bio-grandkids in my parents wills. So it's not always a bad thing! It just gives her more people who love her!

Anyway, sorry for the thread jack...on the original topic-No advice, but I would be furious! I just would not allow her to be alone with your dd as long as this is going on, and when she is with her in front of you I would correct her every time(and I would expect dh to talk to her!).
post #65 of 124
Thread Starter 

UPDATE. I'm NOT happy!!

NOT SO GOOD UPDATE. Ugh.

Today, MIL and I took the kids swimming. On the way home, DD calls MIL grandma and she scoffs "Hah, I'm not going to be called grandma until your mommy and daddy graduate from the university!". I told her that it was unfair and she insisted but we were getting out of the car so I went on my way. At the table, DD called her grandma again and she said the same thing about graduating I told her that it was very unfair. She said something about how if DD calls he grandma now then it's like my DH never went to college and will never go to college and that she's been let down (uh.. something along the lines of her dreams would be "crushed" just with different wording). Talk about self centeredness... Ugh. I mean, good, have hopes for your kids.. but don't be so ridiculous and take it out on your grandchildren!

Then she the cherry on the cake. Or however that saying goes (I'm just so infuriated!!!)

DH got home and we were still sitting eating. DD called her grandma AGAIN. She said her load of junk about the graduating thing and my husband attemted to set her straight. She then exclaimed (and lied!) that my DH made a DEAL WITH HER! A DEAL!! In this deal supposedly she gets to be called grandma after we graduate. What?! My husband exclaimed that there was no such deal, MIL tells him that "NO, you can't change your mind". DH was really confused. On TOP of this, she goes as far to say that she WILL NOT RESPOND TO DD if she calls her "Grandma". WHAT?! You're going to ignore my child because you don't want to be called grandma? DD doesn't have ill-intentions. Ugh. I don't even know what to say or feel right now.

Oh, and just a note:
For us, in DHs culture, "Papi" is usually reserved for fathers. DH and I were talking today and the main reason why we're NOT okay with DD calling FIL "Papi" is because MIL is fueling all of it- it's not just a name for grandpa, it's a name for grandpa that in HER mind doesn't make him seem like grandpa. I totally understand that in other cases it would be fine as a grandparent name- but MIL has different intentions behind it. My DD has been calling him Grandpapi anyhow.


This just stinks. We really can NOT afford to move out. We're in a good amount of debt and are trying to pay it off- so until that's done (probably not until the beginning of next year) we're stuck here.
post #66 of 124
I'm surprised she thinks your dh can complete college if she thinks he's stupid enough to either make a deal like that or believe that he made a deal like that.

She does realize that she's destroying her chances of having a good relationship with your dd? If not, maybe your dh needs to lay it out for her. The choice is not between "mom" and "grandma" it's between "grandma" and "Ms. LastName the landlord".
post #67 of 124
Im sorry, but I am having a hard time even understanding her "logic". What the hell does graduating college have to do with her being called Grandma, and instead, being called MOM, when she isnt the MOTHER? I just dont get it.

Im sorry, but she sounds toxic.
post #68 of 124
Why can;t you all come up with an acceptable alternative?
post #69 of 124
I haven't read through the posts here, don't know what you've tried and not tried, but CLEARLY this situation is still not working for you. Have you tried basically just addressing your child directly every time she says it, something like "I don't know why it's so important to Grandma that she deny she's your grandma, but you know and I know she is." and then go back to your plate of food or whatever. Seriously, like EVERY time she says it you need a response to your child that helps your child not be confused, dismisses your MIL, and lets you keep gong with whatever.

Refuse to discuss it, tell her "You don't listen or have any respect for why it's damaging for you to keep asking DC, so there's nothing to talk about." Period.

From what little I've read, i can't see how any other appraoch is going to work befcore you move out. YOu are simply way too wrapped up in this dynamic and your frustration rewards her every time, that's obviously what she wants from this.
post #70 of 124
Imagine the peace you'd feel in your heart if you'd just let this go. You can't change MIL - only how you react to her. You have to live with her until you're in a better financial state; that's your reality. When she behaves in a way you feel is inappropriate, you can choose to be stoic and kind and turn the other cheek or get outraged - the choice is yours. We're all fighting a hard battle, even your MIL.
post #71 of 124
Quote:
Originally Posted by yokosmile View Post
Imagine the peace you'd feel in your heart if you'd just let this go.
Under the circumstances I just don't see that happening. This isnt a situation where letting her get her way is going to make anyone happy and may even mess with the OPs poor little DDs head more than it already is.

She is her Grandmother, not her Mother... she has no right to tell her grandchild to call her mom unless she is the one raising her with her mother nowhere in the picture. From how this all sounds, the actual mom is very much in the picture.

I still say its probably best to see if the MIL would be willing to go with some other form of endearment. As silly as it is to not want to be Grandma at a young age, its totally okay to come up with another term... but "mom" is not an appropriate one.

Thank goodness I know I will never be like this. I had my first child at a young age so I know the chances of being a grandma before I am 40 is fairly high... but I will still embrace it, just like my mother did when I made her a grandma at 42!
post #72 of 124
You need to stand on your own feet. I'm sorry, but other people get pregnant really young and manage. If you had a good relationship with your ILs, it would be a great idea to stay somewhere presumably for less (though you're still getting into debt), but it's not working here. If you want to be treated like an adult, then you'll have to move out on your own.

Fair or not, your MIL sees you and your husband as children, rather than adults. Though she's making it about college, I'd guess it's more about responsibility. I get that you don't make much money. College may take longer to finish if you move out and both get jobs, but it sounds like that's the best option if the 4 of you can't get past these issues.
post #73 of 124
Quote:
Originally Posted by VisionaryMom View Post
You need to stand on your own feet. I'm sorry, but other people get pregnant really young and manage. If you had a good relationship with your ILs, it would be a great idea to stay somewhere presumably for less (though you're still getting into debt), but it's not working here. If you want to be treated like an adult, then you'll have to move out on your own.

Fair or not, your MIL sees you and your husband as children, rather than adults. Though she's making it about college, I'd guess it's more about responsibility. I get that you don't make much money. College may take longer to finish if you move out and both get jobs, but it sounds like that's the best option if the 4 of you can't get past these issues.
Agreed. For me, even living in a studio apartment with the littles would be better than dealing with that level of toxicity.
post #74 of 124
I agree. Get out of the house and rent a small efficiency. It will only get worse, esp. if your DH begins to stand up to her lies and games.
post #75 of 124
Quote:
Originally Posted by sapphire_chan View Post
Start teaching your dd to call her a "great grandma". :
Quote:
Originally Posted by E.V. Lowi View Post
Wow granny's trippin on the crazy train.
Totally!

Does your daughter ever say how it makes her feel that her grandma doesn't want herself called Grandma?

At this point, perhaps you can just be sure to mention to your daughter that that is her grandma and then just leave the issue be. Personally, I would avoid spending extra time with this psycho-grandmother if at all possible. She is totally sabotaging her own relationship with her granddaughter, bit by bit. Her loss.

My nephews call their dad "Papi" and I soooo don't see it as a substitute for Grandpa, it means "Daddy", IMO.

I agree with everyone else who said it's time to start figuring out how you and your family can leave their house. If you are paying rent there, then you can pay rent somewhere else. The longer you wait, I think the more other things will crop up to annoy the heck out of you and the more ways the Grandmother will find to undermine and disrespect you and your husband around your daughter.
post #76 of 124
Well I think she's being completely ridiculous & childish. I would tell her straight out that you & DH are her mother & father and any variation of 'mom' 'mama' 'papi' etc. is reserved only for you guys. She doesn't have to answer to grandma (again, childish, but whatever)... but she needs to pick a name that doesn't overstep the 'mom' & 'dad' bounds. Whether your DD calls her by her first name or some cutesy name MIL likes... whatever... but the 'mom' thing should be off-limits IMO. Quite honestly, I would not allow my child to spend any time with her if she refused to respect that YOU and ONLY YOU are the child's mother.

ETA: I also think it's totally disrespectful for her to make these 'college' comments, what does being a college graduate have to do with you being parents or her being a grandmother??!??
post #77 of 124
I'm curious - does she have a college degree?
post #78 of 124
She sounds toxic and I would work very hard to find anywhere else to live if I were in that situation. Is there absolutely nothing you can afford right now? How much longer until you graduate and can bring in more money? Is there married student housing or anything like that available at your university?
post #79 of 124
This is the craziest threat ever. I can't believe your MIL!!!! SERIOUSLY, what does being a grandmother have to do with college???

Would she consider letting your daughter call her another name instead of grandma? My MIL did not want to be called Grandma so she asked to be called Bella.
post #80 of 124
I have a suggestion. I can SORT OF understand not loving "Grandma", but there has to be an alternative. My stepmother is called "Nona" (Italian) by my DD, just to name one example. It could be many things, but either she comes up with something besides Mom/Mommy/Mama or anything synonymous with "mother" or, I propose, your DD just cals her by her first name. Just my 2 cents.

I would absolutely put/keep my foot down about the "Mom" thing. Mom is you and you alone.
New Posts  All Forums:Forum Nav:
  Return Home
  Back to Forum: Parenting
Mothering › Mothering Forums › Mom › Parenting › MIL making DD call her "Mom"**UGLY UPDATE POST 65**