What is an appropriate course of action?

[StoriesInTheSoil]

My 22 month old son somewhat freguently hits, pushes, bites (this is pretty rare and almost always toward adults) and is otherwise rough with other children and adults. I have tried picking him up, removing him, and talking through what happened with him and he just does it again immediately. I've tried removing him to another area for a "time out" of sorts (I don't leave him, just let him cool down a bit) which doesn't do a thing but make him mad. I've tried ignoring it and giving lots of attention to the pushed/hit child which makes him MORE aggressive. He does it to younger toddlers just as much as he does it to big kids just as much as he does it to me and DH.

This is not an out-of-control issue but I don't want it to get there. He is big on studying people and trying to elicit different types of reactions from them so I think this is part of that but I'm not sure. All I know is that I don't want this to escalate into a seriously aggressive toddler situation. I know some hitting is normal for little ones but this seems more difficult than just occasional hitting, KWIM?

What can I do to help this?

[EzzysMom]

1) rough-housing time. Give him a chance to get out some power in an appropriate way. Wrestle, play 'bet you can't knock me over', be rough with ok things like pillows.

2) Try to figure out his intent, you don't mention the triggers to this behavior but there usually are some. He wanted a toy someone else had, he was upset with you saying 'no'... try to empathize with those feelings "oh you really wanted that toy!" and then explain the 'pushing hurts. If you want a turn you can ask for one by saying 'turn please''. I think it's very important to give them the words so they can ask for things they want because wanting a turn isn't a 'bad' thing, whats wrong is usually the method they go about trying to get it

[Mama Mko]

We've always done "We don't hit people. We can hit pillows/couches/the floor though!" then demonstrate. Rinse and repeat. It takes a bit but it did seem to work.

[Brownie~]

DS is 36 months old and he also hits and pushes. It's not that he wants a toy. For instance, this morning, we were at the park and he was running on the playground equipment. Another boy was on it too, and he just out of the blue slapped the younger kid on the face. I scooped him up, told him hitting hurts and told him we were leaving immediately. I have to do this all the time and I am getting so sick of it. DS has a TON of energy, so I don't want to have him cooped up all summer. Problem is, we don't have a yard or a private place for him to run around, and the city parks are chock-full of kids this time of year. I am at a loss with him. It's so frustrating. I asked him to demonstrate "gentle hands" to me, and he slapped my arm. I think he just thinks it's funny or something. He's not mad or angry, he just does it. Actually when he is mad or angry he doesn't hit at all.

[BellaClaudia]

there is interesting theory on similar issues described as "censory processing dissorder, specifically:

the 1. Sensory Seeking Behaviors.

it can be found deeeeeeeeep within this link.. somewhat 1/4 th of the page or something.

[littlest birds]

How about also creating a soft-touches game where you practice kind touches with each other and talk in a special soft-touches tone of voice? Then if he goes into rough mode with someone else you can shift him to that. Then when you stop him it from hitting you can guide his hand into a gentler touch, shift to that soft tone of voice, use verbal reminders of the words you have chosen for naming gentle touching.

You could also teach him to play high-fives and other hand clapping games with you for a little more action. (But set an example of asking first so eventually he'll include that too.)

And just keep intervening--keep it simple. Maybe less talk? Just a few words or one word you choose to remind but not to convince him of your point. That can take a lot of energy from you and yet not really make an impact at this age. I think the commitment on your part is to physically control whatever is over line until he gains self control. Move him a little way out of reach and stay with him until he is ready to play again, block his hands as immediately as you can. Repeat as much as needed. Your reaction shouldn't be exciting or intense because that excites you both and I think sometimes kids get accustomed to a certain thrill. You don't need to make a sudden big strong statement to make a bigger impact--you want to make a clear but unquestionable impact over time and the urge I think will fade. It can take a while. But continuing to intervene makes it clear that you won't accept crossing those lines. He won't stop himself until he is "ready" to do so but he will learn to stop himself gradually. Stand your ground (many times) and I think it will pay off.

[StoriesInTheSoil]

Thank you for your responses and ideas! I have been trying to redirect DS to hit and bite pillows or the couch and he seems to do pretty well with that method. When he gets very wound up, I've been letting him "wrestle" with lots of pillows on our bed while I sit near him so he doesn't get hurt and he can nurse when he's calm (he likes to nurse after he's expended a lot of energy.)

I'm REALLY trying to change the way that I react to things he does. I honestly feel that he does a lot of things to see my reaction and if I'm very even-keel and boring he gives up.

Does anyone know of any books with good suggestions for gently parenting young toddlers?