DH leaves a trail...

[crunchy_mommy]

This is kind of touchy/tricky because DH is primarily responsible for keeping the house clean (long story but I am physically unable to clean much beyond cleaning up after ourselves during the day, after meals etc.) So there is a lot on his shoulders but I do not expect things to be perfect -- I don't mind if the laundry & dishes pile up or the floors don't get vacuumed often (well, I mind, but I'm being realistic!) What drives me insane is the 'trail' he seems to leave. For ex: He always brings news/magazines to the bathroom and they end up piling up on the back of the toilet & sink. So I got a thing to store them in right near the toilet but he still leaves them everywhere! Or the mail, I found a desk so we could store the mail in the drawers, but he still leaves it on top or on the table or counters. If he feeds DS I have to remind him to clean his face/hands afterward and he leaves the table & floors covered with dropped/smeared food that I have to clean the next day! There are so many examples but I think it just comes down to either he can't get into the habit of picking up after himself or he just doesn't value cleanliness the way that I do. So I'm not sure what to do, I feel like we live in a dump, it's disgusting, and I do what I can to clean up but it gets overwhelming so quickly plus like I said I have physical limitations. I feel like I try to make it easy for him -- try to organize things in a way that's simple & accessible, get storage aids, etc. But he doesn't seem to understand 'organization' or maybe my system just doesn't make sense to him? (I thought it was simple enough though... put the 18-24mo clothes on this shelf, the 3T clothes in the storage bin... put the canned goods in this cabinet, pasta in this one... throw rolled-up bits of paper in the compost or trash NOT on the floor...) I know our DS makes things tough because he is very needy & intense so I understand that sometimes DH is rushing or gets sidetracked but I feel it goes beyond that.

Sorry so long, guess I needed to vent a bit! But I guess my question is, has anyone successfully got their DH to be more organized, pick up after themselves, etc? I know it's a cliche guy thing but I guess I figured since he's the one that ultimately would need to clean it up that he'd be more motivated to clean as he goes along... and I feel guilty bringing it up because he already has to clean the house plus he feels (rightly so, I suppose) that I'm always criticizing him...

[Comtessa]

Oh mama, - that's a hard spot to be in.

I have found that starting with a really clean and organized space makes a big difference for us. DH will just toss stuff anywhere if there's already stuff lying around, but if it's all put away and the place is neat and tidy, it makes him more aware of the mess he makes if he tosses something somewhere, and he's more likely to pick up after himself.

I think that men are often more visually-oriented than women, so a lot of it is just making the mess visible. If DH notices it, he cleans it, but he doesn't typically notice mess if it's in the middle of a lot of other visual clutter. So a lot of my job is just keeping the visual clutter to a minimum so that mess stands out more. Maybe the two of you could get a babysitter for a couple of hours on a Saturday and tackle the rooms in your main living space, clear them out and organize them all, and that way he'll feel like he has a stake in keeping them clean and organized?

[lolar2]

I don't know how to get him to clean your DS's face or the counters, but with the magazines and mail, it sounds like he wants them to be out and visible, not tucked away in drawers or storage containers. And think about whether he prefers them to be horizontal or vertical. If you browse around sites such as the Container Store and Stacks and Stacks, they have some wire and/ or half-height storage units that increase visibility while still keeping the trail from falling all over everything.

[confustication]

I could have written you post word for word- it's frustrating and maddening, but then I feel guilty for asking 'too much'. I also am completely overwhelmed when he lets things slide because the effort to put it all back in order is overwhelming.

I don't really have much advice beyond cutting the 'stuff' in the house down to a minimum as then there is less to scatter and less to play catch up with. My husband really DOES work hard trying to stay on top of everything, but he simply doesn't 'see' what needs to be done to stay on top of it all until it's out of control. Also, his mess tolerance is MUCH higher than mine.

I spent yesterday reclaiming our living room from the scattered stuff here and there, he loved the result and all the clean and open space, but I'm wondering how long it will stay that way.

[zoebird]

there are a lot of factors to this: 1. organizational style; 2. hierarchy of importance; and 3. distraction/forgetting.

1. to the first, some people just prefer piles over files. it just seems to be something of that person's nature. so you can use every organizational process in any book, and they will still pile. Each week, i FORCE my husband to file his piles. Now, "his stuff" he can keep in piles (then in baskets so they don't look like clutter), but household bills and business bills/receipts must be filed. to facilitate this, i pick a time when we are sitting and watching a movie or talking, bring out the files, and we file. just once a week, and it takes about 15 minutes.

2. so, pilers are used to clutter, and that looks organized to them (it doesn't to filers), and therefore, piles are unnecessary to clean up because they are cleaned up. they are in a pile. so, he doesn't feel he needs to clean those things.

second, kids get messy, so wiping hands/face might not seem that important to him, or other things have more importance to him. figuring out his hierarchy will help you understand why he cleans what he does, and why he chooses when to do it. then you can either facilitate that process (to the best of your ability) or let it go.

my husband is quite odd in this. he'll clean dishes, but not wipe down countertops for example. apparently countertops aren't that important to him. or he'll sweep the floors, but not dust. i don't really know how he evaluates what is most important, but there seems to be some method to it.

3. getting distracted is typically the main reason DH doesn't finish a given job. this is true anywhere--and really happens to everyone. i find that men tend to be more prone to it; apparently their capacity to multitask is different.

my husband is like that. if you give him a task and do not interrupt, he will complete it. but if you give him a task and smething stops him, then he forgets what he is doing, walks away from it, and then rarely goes back to it unless reminded.

it's tougher when it happens at our business. we have a lot of moving parts, so if he doesn't close a given loop, we are in trouble. lol

[mkksmom]

You know, I am like your dh. I leave a trail. The really bad part is that everyone in my house is the same way. I WANT to change, and I still find it hard. My mom swears she was the same way when I was a baby, but all I remember is her cleaning up immediately to the point where you'd have to constantly get another drink because she cleaned it up when you weren't looking. She says getting to that point took serious effort. I was never taught to clean as I went because my mom was too busy doing it herself. It's faster, keeps the peace, etc.. For me, a lot of the time, it has to do with energy/sleep, but for some people, putting your dish in the dishwasher is automatic. You do it before anything else. For mw, I have to make a conscious effort to hopefully remember to put it in the sink at least. Or I go to prepare the next meal and put all of the dishes from the previous meal in the sink then. Then at the end of the night, I will hopefully get them in the dishwasher. But the end of the noght comes and I'm exhausted. Like right now, I'm on the computer when there are dishes from dinner sitting on my tables and my girls need to be int he tub soon, and I'm sitting here convincing myself that I can make it happen. Now when we have dinner at my mom's she won't even play with the grandkids (her favorite activity in the world) until the dinner dishes are done. She gets it done in like 10 maybe 15 minutes and then is free to play. I need to learn that kind of discipline and it's really tough to learn as an adult.