vacation events not baby friendly-wwyd?

[penstamon]

Our visit to the IL's soon coincides with a family wedding- DH's cousin- and 4 of the 6 days we are there have scheduled wedding-related events. There are only 2 events (wedding & a picnic) that are baby friendly as LO's are not welcome at the wedding reception and two days are for bachelor party and bar-hopping. All the events are over an hour from where we are staying and of course include a lot of alcohol consumption. Since it is DH's family I am fine with him going to some stuff without us but I feel like the whole trip will be spent with me and DS home with MIL & FIL, with whom relations have VERY strained. Due to DS's difficulty sleeping and the fact that we co-sleep, DH can't help with nighttime parenting when he comes back drunk and can't even come back if he drinks due to the drive. There really aren't any events that I would want to go to alone as it is not my family and I would not feel comfortable. DH asked MIL about babysitting options for at least part of the nights and was shot down. Plus DS does not know any of DH's family so we don't know how comfortable he would be especially if we were over an hour away- definitely would not be feasible for the night, as most of the events in question are at night.

So bottom line is that while I want DH to be able to enjoy himself I really don't want to be stuck with MIL & FIL the whole time while DH is off having fun. I might add that I have always had a horrible/stressed out time visiting them pre-LO, so I am not hopeful that I will have a great time. Where would you draw the line?

[Evan&Anna's_Mom]

Seems like so much of the issue is caused by being far away from the primary festivities. If you take away that barrier, does it get easier? The obvious answer would be a hotel closer to the wedding site -- no staying with ILs (reduces that stress) and less issue about drinking and driving. Are there activities you can do with the baby in whatever town this is? Maybe just making sure the hotel pool is a good place to hang out would increase the "vacation" feel for you?

Of course the downside is that it will cost you money and I understand if that is a deal killer, but it might be worth at least investigating.

[laohaire]

Rent a car during those days and make plans to take your baby to the park or whatever sounds good to you. In other words, empower yourself so you're not just sitting there with the in-laws WAITING the whole time.

I don't know where you're going or how far away it is from your own home, but many communities have drop-in playgroups and such. Is there a beach nearby? You get the idea. Even if you just go shopping (if you like doing that) and take the baby along, that's better than sitting and waiting.

Depending on the severity of your nighttime problems, if they are just the usual stuff we all have to slog through with our babies, I'd just write off DH and tell him to have a good time, and plan to deal with it myself. (And I'd wink and tell him he owes me a lie-in the following weekend!).

[Jaesun's Dad]

The obvious answer would be a hotel closer to the wedding site

The hotel is a good idea, when it comes time for us to make the rounds I'm insisting on it, my dad, my mom, her parents. We're not staying in anyone's guest bedroom. We'll visit, stay for dinner, go out somewhere with them, but when it's time to say goodnight we'll be heading to the Super 8. I get along with my father's wife, but I don't want my family staying in their house mostly because we don't agree with her moral views and I'm sure she don't agree with ours. My mom is barely sentient (alzheimers) and I'd probably strangle her alcoholic boyfriend if I stayed there (especially once he got drunk and started making racist comments about my partner and son which I see as having a greater than 75% chance of happening) and I think my partner would have a worse time at her folks house than I would. So .. hotels!

[ellairiesmom]

first off-yes-if you can afford it & there is one available-a hotel/motel room closer to everything would make things much easier.

ok...so the below might not be a popular idea here...and it might not even work in some of the situations. eg: bachelor party-nothing you can do to make that baby friendly-or mama friendly for that matter! and obviously i can only speak to wedding events i have attended in my own life...but because i babywear, i have managed to reduce stress & have a great time in many a situations where other mamas might have skipped out on or not had a good time. and i did it without really impacting others because either they didn't even realize dd1 was on my back OR they did, but soon forgot since there wasn't a lo running around. she was "contained" and out of sight/out of mind. she would also fall asleep on my back & that would make it even better. i don't know anywhere that allows smoking inside anymore so i never had to worry about that. and if there was loud music, i would stand as far away from it as possible.

my cuz got married in VT last summer & no kids were invited. we had no one to watch dd because they would all be at the wedding so i rsvp'd that only i was coming & i would be leaving early the next AM to get home hence skipping post wedding festivities. (my way of saying "hey-an out of town wedding without our kids??? wtf? when we got married a year earlier i extended the offer to their kids because they were coming from VT to NJ!!!) my cuz's soon to be wife "granted" me an exception & said she wanted us both there & said to bring dd. i didn't want dd to be "noticed" so DH watched her in the hotel during the ceremony & then came back for the reception where she ate & then went on my back for the night. i was a month pregnant & she was 18 mos old & i wore her for 4 hours with no problems.

we have done that in many a situations where lo's might not normally "roam" & it has made my life so much easier. things i thought i would have to miss were totally doable & even preferred. id rather have them on my back or dh's back than with a sitter or missing an event.

i guess i kind of wonder what your DH's family thinks you & your DS would do while your DH is going out at night? has there been any conversations about it in general?

[smpayne]

Your DH is using his parents place as a free hotel so he can attend this wedding and its festivities. If it was me and there were already strained relations with the IL, I would just stay home. What is the point of traveling all that way (traveling with baby is a PITA) only to be left on the IL doorstep while DH goes off to party. Personally I wouldn't put myself though that much stress.

[Ninetales]

Honestly I'd either stay home or get a hotel. That sounds awful.

[penstamon]

Thanks for the replies. The airline tickets are already bought and can't be refunded so I can't stay home. We can not afford a hotel near the wedding site except for the day of the wedding. There is no way DS is allowed to the "no kids" events, nor would I want to bring him bar-hopping . Most of the festivities are at night so there isn't really much of an option for me to find stuff to do with DS. Plus the IL's would be offended if I just left because DH was gone.

Our night time issues are REALLY bad and we have both been severely sleep deprived for close to a year now. It is just not an option for me to suck it up for most of the vacation and let DH party while I live with the stress of the IL's in addition. Plus the travel time across the country each way adds two more days of no sleep-hell to the vacation.

I guess I was wondering what you would consider fair if it was your DP in this situation? What lines do you draw? DH will agree with whatever I ask but I don't want to be to severe. I feel like it will just not work to let him go to everything and leave me...

[smpayne]

One NO kids event in addition to the reception and he shouldn't be getting plastered since he has an hour drive back to ILs. He should not be out partying all night. You should both agree on a time he is to be walking back in the door.

If they truely wanted both of you there, the event planners would have provided child care for their out of town guests.

[ellairiesmom]

ok-in light of your reply, it sounds like there really aren't any options other than working out how many nights your DH can go out.

i am sorry for your nighttime issues! traveling can be sooooo overwhelming when our lo's aren't doing well at night. let alone staying at someone's house...aggggghhhh.

i do have a ?-how impt is the drinking & socializing to DH? i ask because I am the one who is more into being out & DH would rather be at home or in a more low key setting...so he would be ok with only doing one night.

if he is really into it & wants to go out every night or most of the time, then you need to tell him sorry-but this isn't going to work & draw a line. what was planned 1st-attending the wedding or the family visit? did he want or urge you to come along from the very beginning? again-if so, he will need to sacrifice his fun a little.

also wondering-who is watching your DS the night of the actual wedding?

it sounds like you are saying he is reasonable though. so i guess i would tell him he could do the bachelor party or the bar hopping night but not both. if he is aware of all the night time issues & issues with his parents & the stress being there causes you, then I would think he isn't expecting you to stay home with them multiple nights without him???

of course, I didn't know the details of each night's plans...the where, when's etc. but FWIW-i don't bring my DDs bar hopping on any old night. (although that would make somedays easier to deal with-haha) they were nights that were related to wedding events & the wedding guests & family were 95% of the guests there. a few were outdoor night events, one event was a bonfire after the casual bbq rehearsal dinner & another was inside with a band after a wedding, but we hung toward the back of the room & she slept through the whole thing. we have been lucky with locations & babywearing has worked really well for us socially. but i don't just take them out to the bar-lol.

[mkksmom]

I can tell you what my dh and I would do. He doesn't care to party, so that affects things, but well, honestly, we would skip the wedding unless it was a sibling or he was in the wedding. We'd just send a gift. If we did go, for example, a good friend got married and it happened to be near my best friends' house. We stayed with them and then he went to the early part of the bachelor party stuff for dinner and skipped out after dinner. We had my friend babysit for the wedding but if I had no one I truly trusted, I might go to the wedding with the baby (but sit in the back near an exit if LO got loud and then go back to the hotel with the baby for the reception.

This would only leave you with the IL's for part of one night, and if you have your own room to sleep in, you can always bring LO in there early... plan to give LO a bath while dh is gone, then read some books. Or maybe you and dh can take him for a walk in the evenings while you are there so it is routine and they will expect that you'll take him and not stay with them all evening.

[reignbelle]

My husband loves to socialize. I love to sleep. Our children do not like to sleep! So this is how it works at our house.

Option 1. He goes out all night/sleeps all night while I wake up with kids. Then I get to sleep in as late as I want.

If sleeping in is not a option

Option 2. We break the night in half. We use 7 to 7. thought bedtime could be 8 and they may wake at 6 this is our guesstimate. 7-1 is his time to do whatever he wants(go out and party) and my time to take care of kids. 1-7 is my time to do whatever i want (sleep) and his turn to take care of kids. this option screws him but really its his choice to go out.

or

Option 3. he goes out all night and then sleep and then the next night i get to have a free night and he watched the kids all night. I usually stay up a bit later and then sleep a lot.


I really need a lot of sleep. I become a cranky mother if i do not get a decent amount of sleep. Our 8 month old wakes ever 3 hours. The 3 and 2 year old take turns waking up every other day. The older two no longer nap so no making up sleep that way. Also sometimes the baby insists on me in the middle of the night even if it is my husbands turn so sometimes it doesn't quite work out as planed.

for having to go somewhere you feel uncomfortable. I made a decision last year to go to a wedding and regretted it the month leading up to it. It turned out fine but I really didn't feel like spending time with these people at the time. I hope everything turns out well and that your not too stressed.

[Hoopin' Mama]

Just because you bought the tickets, doesn't mean you have to go. You can stay home and be happy, or for the same amount of money go to the IL's and be miserable. While the tickets are not refundable, perhaps they can be put towards buying another trip at another time?

Otherwise, I would nicely ask dh to pick his one night to party down, and the rest of the time he should be behaving like a man on a trip with a baby.

[tracymom1]

Originally Posted by Hoopin' Mama

Just because you bought the tickets, doesn't mean you have to go. You can stay home and be happy, or for the same amount of money go to the IL's and be miserable. While the tickets are not refundable, perhaps they can be put towards buying another trip at another time?

Otherwise, I would nicely ask dh to pick his one night to party down, and the rest of the time he should be behaving like a man on a trip with a baby.

This exactly. I simply would not go. A few hundred dollars for a plane ticket is not worth my sanity. And it would drive me crazy having to be uncomfortable and "stuck" for that long in a foreign place, being sleep deprived and basically the only caregiver.

But if you do go, sit down with DH and ask him which event is the most important to him and have him go to that one.

[jenP]

Originally Posted by Hoopin' Mama

Just because you bought the tickets, doesn't mean you have to go. You can stay home and be happy, or for the same amount of money go to the IL's and be miserable. While the tickets are not refundable, perhaps they can be put towards buying another trip at another time?

Otherwise, I would nicely ask dh to pick his one night to party down, and the rest of the time he should be behaving like a man on a trip with a baby.

That.

Hope it works out for you!
Jen

[Baby_Cakes]

If it were me, the line I would draw is simple and clear:

DH, you are not allowed to get so drunk that you can't come home. I need your help w/LO at night. Of course, go and have a beer and have a good time -- but sober up, come home, and be ready to parent.

[texmati]

Originally Posted by penstamon

I guess I was wondering what you would consider fair if it was your DP in this situation? What lines do you draw? DH will agree with whatever I ask but I don't want to be to severe. I feel like it will just not work to let him go to everything and leave me...

ITA with pp. In our house, even getting to go to one event would be a gift. I mean, realistically who get's a 'night off' from being a parent? Nobody. He can get a break for a few hours, but he better be appropriately appreciative.

[SilverFish]

this is what i would do. tell him he gets to choose one event (bachelor party etc) to go to while you suck it up at home. he is most definitely NOT allowed to get so drunk he can't drive home... what grown married man with a baby is allowed to not come home at night even when it doesn't mean his wife is stuck hanging out with the in-laws? you will try your best to have a good time (rent a movie the inlaws like? make dinner with them?). i don't see how anything else is fair.

[Artichokie]

my dh would skip everything except two family friendly events: wedding and the picnic. I would not ask him to do this - it is what he would do because he thinks that would be the right thing for our family (I just asked him).

[MamaPhD]

Yeah, I would say forget about the plane tix $$ and stay at home. It would be kind of a shame to waste the ticket but then again, wouldn't it be worth it?