how honest should I be with DC about bio dad?

[HappyTomato]

DC is 7. Bio dad is on again off again in DC's life. He has alot of personal/mental problems, only pays c/s and sees DC when its convenient for him. His wife doesn't want DC around because he is lazy and won't be a parent when DC does visit. I don't blame her. It sucks to be married to him, I know! But here's my current issue -- bio dad tells DC that he has to work and that is why he can't see DC. Because of family and friends, we know bio dad's whereabouts about 90% of the time and we know this is a flat out lie (we have eyewitnesses). Oh and did I mention that bio dad lies more than he tells the truth? Yep. So this really bothers my DH because DH has been more of a dad to DC than bio dad. DH loves DC very much and vice versa. I know that it stings a little when DC says things like "I miss dad" and "I wish dad could find a new job so we could visit more". DH thinks we shouldn't let DC go on believing bio dad's lies and we should tell DC the truth. DH has a point. Is it really healthy for DC to believe the fantasy that bio dad is this great and wonderful man who is off doing some really important job and that is why he can't visit when the truth is that he chooses to be lazy and not see his child or even call for months at a time? TIA for any input!!!

[queenofchaos]

I would never lie to the child. On the other hand, I wouldn't be the one to 'give it to him straight' either. You really shouldn't say anything negative about the other parent. No matter how true or deserved. Your DS will figure it out in time.
It's awesome that DH is 'dad' to your DS. There is just something about a bio parent that kids want to have a connection to them, and it seems it doesn't matter to the child how they are treated. They jsut want the connection.
Exactly how you explain things to him is going to be tricky. I think when bio-dad flakes out and DS wants to know why, you should probably put it back on bio-dad and tell him to call dad and ask him. Takes you out of the middle.
It's a really hard situation and hurts your heart, I'm sure.

[Learning_Mum]

I would probably keep my mouth shut. Unless your 7yo is actually asking you why BD doesn't visit I wouldn't bring it up.

Your DC will figure out when they are older that BD is a loser.

I think your DH is probably just feeling a bit hurt and resentful, which is understandable, but telling your DC is just going to hurt them.

[Oriole]

The kids figure these things out on their own. I get why your husband is resentful (trust me, I get it... I'm wearing his shoes ), but let me promise you, the minute you start telling your child that his dad just doesn't want to see him/make him a priority, two things will happen:

#1. Your kid will be hurt.
#2. The more you push the truth - the more he'll turn defensive in regards to his father, and that will hurt you and your husband in return.

Let it be. Otherwise, I'm not even sure how you are planning to phrase it: "no dear, your dad is not working. he just doesn't want to come and see you". what is your plan for when your son replies: "No, he told me he is working! He loves me! He wants to see me! YOU are the one that's lying."

I say, if you want an argument - look for it with an adult who is neglecting to see his child, don't take it out on the 7 y.o. kid.

I bet before he hits teenage years his dad's excuses will get too old, and he will sort it out.

[elmh23]

Let the kid figure it out on their own. My "dad" didn't see me, talk to me or pay c/s for me and I knew long before I admitted it to myself that he wasn't great. But if my mom would have have sat down and told me what a horrible man he was, I would have been really pissed off and resentful of her.

[rightkindofme]

My mother 'told me the truth' about my father and it was very hurtful. It's not like I could have avoided knowing the facts about him long-term. It's probably better for you to stay out of it even though it is hard.

[One_Girl]

I don't think you should tell him anything about your ex. I can't imagine telling my child something as hurtful as the truth about her dad not wanting to spend time with her. I don't see that as doing any good. He still won't be seeing her and she will be heartbroken. If you don't want to say he is working then say he is busy, that covers a lot more ground and isn't technically untrue. As children get older they tend to figure these things out on their own. I know a few people who had deadbeat dads and they thought the world of their dads when they were kids and thought their moms were horrible, but they figured out on their own that this was not the case by the time they grew up.

[laughymama]

Originally Posted by elmh23

Let the kid figure it out on their own. My "dad" didn't see me, talk to me or pay c/s for me and I knew long before I admitted it to myself that he wasn't great. But if my mom would have have sat down and told me what a horrible man he was, I would have been really pissed off and resentful of her.

This.

My father left us when I was barely a toddler. He visited sporadically and sent gifts now and then but was never a regular part of my life. He was completely out by the time I was 4.

The man who is technically my step-father is my dad. He's acted as a father since he and my mother decided to marry. Eventually by 7 or 8 I decided to call him 'Dad'. He's a great father and grandfather.

My mom was always honest about my bio-dad when I asked questions but she never, ever talked negatively about him or expressed her opinion of his character in front of me. I think I would have been very angry and resentful if she would have.

Eventually, I figured it out. It didn't take too long. Kids are smart and I think honesty is always the best but unless he asks you then I would not bring it up. I'm very grateful that my mother never spoke badly about my bio-dad.

She had EVERY right to dislike the man. He was not a good dad (obviously) and not a good partner to her. He abandoned us. His lifestyle was not a good one.
I can't imagine how she felt and how angry she must have been on my behalf. Still, I think it was the right thing for her to allow me to figure it out on my own.

[4Blessings]

Another vote for letting the kid figure it out in time.

[limabean]

Originally Posted by elmh23

Let the kid figure it out on their own. My "dad" didn't see me, talk to me or pay c/s for me and I knew long before I admitted it to myself that he wasn't great. But if my mom would have have sat down and told me what a horrible man he was, I would have been really pissed off and resentful of her.

Yes, this.

[kittywitty]

I have this issue, too, with my ex. The kids just asked this past year really who he even was-they see him maybe once a year, call dh "dad" and their bio-father by his first name. I explained it the most neutrally I could. It's not really fair to us having to explain this to kids when the other parent will not.

[f&p'smama]

I would also probably let my child figure it out on their own, though I would not participate in lies. Does your son know how much your husband loves him? It may help him to know that your husband is happy to be his step-dad and loves him as if he was born to him. It's got to hurt to have his bio-dad be such a flake, but how wonderful that your husband loves him like crazy.

[HappyTomato]

Thanks everyone! Its great to hear from people that grew up with so called "dads" like this. Thanks for the insightful responses! You all confirmed what I was feeling/thinking about the situation. I will share this with DH.