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Moving in together?

post #1 of 6
Thread Starter 
Looking for some BTDT advice please.

We've been dating for nearly two years, everyone has adjusted well and we're talking about moving in together in the next 6-12 months. We live in separate houses at the moment. My house is too small for all of us, his house would work for all of us for now. We would want to add a bedroom eventually, which is possible to do over the garage.

His house is perfect for us, as far as location, features, etc. (except for the missing bedroom but that can be fixed). My question is, how likely is it to become OUR house? Are his DC ever going to think of it as our collective house or will it always in their minds be their house? It's the house they've always lived in, that their mom used to be in too (she's still in the picture, but is not terribly involved). I'm concerned about resentment as their dad and I change things, everything from removing some of the existing furniture, adding some of mine, painting rooms ... never mind simply adjusting to all of us living together full-time.

I know there's an adjustment period to moving in together, but I'm wondering about whether this is adding a very difficult to overcome twist?

We could sell his house to move into a new-to-everyone home, but the odds of finding the same set of features are pretty slim. I wonder if it would be a good sacrifice to make, for the sake of our new family unit? Would moving all of us create even more resentment???

I'm talking myself into circles!!! Help? Anyone BTDT? What was your experience? Thank you!
post #2 of 6
I would find a new home together. The kids are always going to think of their house as theirs, it has all their memories of their life together with their mom. I am sure they will be very unhappy to have you and your kids come in and start changing things, where if you all find a new house it will be new to everyone, and it won't have old ties.
post #3 of 6
we had the opposite experience, dh moved into my home that i had shared with my ex. granted he didn't have kids, but he never felt like the house was his and it was hard for him. moving into our own home was a wonderful thing for our whole family. good luck.
post #4 of 6
Posting again... that was my experience as well Mandi... first he stayed in my house and it was hard because it wasn't 'his', all our memories were of my ex husband. Then his mom moved out of the house he grew up in and we moved in because it seemed like a great deal, but it was hard for us too. There were way too many memories that I knew about, for example this is the room (and the bed!) that he lost his virginity in... this is the bathroom that he used to take showers with his ex girlfriend, ect. No matter what we did, completely repainted and replaced the flooring, it was still hard for me to see the house as ours. We then chose a house together and moved in and it has been so much easier, it is OURS, from the very start. It is much smaller than his old house, a little more expensive, but it has been worth it. We can build new memories together, not have old ones hanging around wherever we look.
post #5 of 6
We've had a great experience. I have now lived with my fiancee and his daughter for a year... I moved into the house he shared with his ex-wife and that H has spent her entire life in. There has never been a problem... and she has a VERY involved mom. She LOVES, and has from the beginning, coming home from time with her mom to see what changes we've made. She will often refer to things she's done there before I moved in, but will laugh and say, "It feels like you've always lived here, so I forget!"

Granted, there has really never been a rocky moment in our relationship, so take this with a grain of salt. I will say that I was the one who had a slight problem in the beginning... it felt to me at first that it was Ex-Wife's house, and not my own... I'm the only one who felt that way, however, and I adjusted really quickly. Oh, it was slightly awkward the first time H's mom came to get her from the house- she hovered on the doorstep a minute and waited to be invited in. Kind of strange for both of us.

We do intend to move in the next year, but it has nothing to do with it being "their" house.
post #6 of 6
Thread Starter 
Thank you for your replies. We've got some thinking to do!
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