I should have seen this coming...

[MariesMama]

DD spent the day with ex's mom this week - I needed to get stuff done with moving, and it really helped me out.

(Background) Ex has not called me to speak with DD since February, and before then it was once every couple of months. DD thinks that my BF is her father, and since we're planning to marry (and she's two), we've encouraged it. Once she's old enough, we'll fill her on on the real details.

So I look on ex's facebook today, and I see that his mom called him while DD was with her, and this is what he posts to her : "Thanks mom ur the best talking with my lil bear and hearing her say hi daddy was the best thing ever i miss her so much"

WTF?!?! She obviously thought she was talking to BF. I'm so upset, I know I shouldn't have been looking at his Facebook, but he just bailed on child support so I was trying to find him. Ugh! I finally find someone who can watch my child for me, and this is what happens.

[cycle]

You should not be lying to your daughter about who her father is. Even if you anticipate that your BF will end up adopting her if you two get married (if her father decides to give up his rights) there is no way you can hide her biological father from her with his mother involved in her life especially. I don't know why you would want to, even if you are "going to fill her in later". Do you know how hurtful that could potentially be for her and how much emotional damage that could do to her if she grows up thinking your BF is her dad and you lay it on her in a few years that someone else is actually her biological father? Not to mention her biological father could request visitation, which he has a right to as does your daughter, at any time. Its a very dangerous and selfish game you are playing with your daughters emotions by not being completely honest with her from the start.

[Sarah W]

Originally Posted by cycle

You should not be lying to your daughter about who her father is. Even if you anticipate that your BF will end up adopting her if you two get married (if her father decides to give up his rights) there is no way you can hide her biological father from her with his mother involved in her life especially. I don't know why you would want to, even if you are "going to fill her in later". Do you know how hurtful that could potentially be for her and how much emotional damage that could do to her if she grows up thinking your BF is her dad and you lay it on her in a few years that someone else is actually her biological father? Not to mention her biological father could request visitation, which he has a right to as does your daughter, at any time. Its a very dangerous and selfish game you are playing with your daughters emotions by not being completely honest with her from the start.

I agree with this.

She should be able to talk to her bio father. I really don't see the fact that you are getting married as justification to lie to your child.

[MariesMama]

While I understand what you're saying, my daughter does not understand the concept of a "biological father" at this age. She knows that people have a mama and a daddy, and she started calling my BF daddy on her own. I'm not going to keep this from her forever, or even for much longer.

Maybe she's just slow for not being able to grasp that the man who takes care of her and loves her and is there for her every day isn't actually her daddy. I wasn't aware that at age two, I was supposed to lay out the birds and the bees and how babies are made.

She calls BF by his name, but says that he's her daddy. End of story. MANY people in blended families are in this situation, including many on MDC. I must have completely misunderstood those situations when I interpreted mine as being remotely similar.

[RollerCoasterMama]

Originally Posted by MariesMama

I finally find someone who can watch my child for me, and this is what happens.

If she was staying with ex's mom, I'm not particularly surprised.

My brother's oldest isn't his legally his or biologically his, though he raised her from 3 months old. She always had contact with her bio-dad's mother...and when the charmer got out of jail () and he grew up gradually, Grandma was a bridge to opening up communications. That was a natural consequence, and even though bio-dad was a loser way back when...it's been almost 14 years and he is a part of her life now and seems to have grown up a lot. Not picture perfect, but she's happier to have that relationship. My brother is her dad though. Even when her mom left and remarried...my brother is still her dad and she's every bit a part of our family as his biological daughter.

Unless you forbid Grandma from facilitating communication with her bio-dad (which is a whole different conversation!) then it's something that should be expected.

[violet_]

I agree that the father not calling since February is inexcusable. However, it's good that he did talk to her when his mother was there, right? And he may well prefer talking to her when she's with his mom rather than when she's with you (again, not an excuse for ignoring her, but do expect this to be the case). I know when DH's kids were little and they'd stay at his mom's house, we planned our calls to be during that time, since the kids were more talkative and relaxed talking at their grandmother's place. It's just to be expected. I suppose their mom might have even thought we didn't call as often as we did, but anyway the relationship is with the kids, not her.

I also agree that you need to let her know who her dad is. And yes, at two they do know the difference. I was a stepmom to a 1-year-old, and we never tried to confuse her about who her mom was.

Now, if your ex is bad enough to want to eliminate all contact, that's another story, but unfortunately not one you have sole control over.

[doubledutch]

what if she continues calling your bf daddy, but you talk about her father and refer to him as "your father". that way, as she comes to understand the concept of a biological father versus a real-life, every day daddy, she will understand that, while your bf (or dh by then) is her daddy who loves her and takes care of her, there is another man whom she occasionally speaks with on the phone or sees, who is her father.

[Halfasianmomma]

Yep, I have to agree about ex's mother not being the best babysitter if you don't want your ex communicating with your child. You can't really control what she does and if your ex is unstable, then it may not be the safest situation.

[Grace and Granola]

Originally Posted by doubledutch

what if she continues calling your bf daddy, but you talk about her father and refer to him as "your father". that way, as she comes to understand the concept of a biological father versus a real-life, every day daddy, she will understand that, while your bf (or dh by then) is her daddy who loves her and takes care of her, there is another man whom she occasionally speaks with on the phone or sees, who is her father.

I got a step dad when I was 7 and my bio-dad was in and out of the picture throughout my whole life. After a few years, I started calling my stepdad "Dad." My mother always referred to my bio-dad as my "FATHER" ....even said in a tone filled with dread I didn't call bio-dad father to his face, I called him dad too. But I did refer to him as my father when talking to family, and called my stepdad dad. This is all very complicated for a two year old though. I don't understand how a 2yo would call someone (bf) daddy without anyone telling her it first. And I think it would even be ok for her to call both daddy (but biodad surely will not be ok with it!) But, maybe it could be Daddy and Daddy-Pete (bf's name). Just so when she's older and she's with her bio-dad, and she wants to tell a story, she can say Daddy-Pete did this and that.

It seems like a hard situation, but I do think you should encourage both relationships in a positive way. My bio-dad left my mom when I was under 2, and her negativity toward my bio-dad was really hard for me to listen to and bear for my entire life. I would be alot better off if she had been more of a facilitator and advocate for that relationship too.

[cycle]

Please don't misunderstand me, I am not at all defending your ex here. What struck me is your stating that your and your BF "encourage" your daughter to call him daddy. At two if she starts calling him daddy and you know you are going to marry this guy and he is, on a day to day basis, her daddy, I don't think you have to make her stop. This is not about teaching her the birds and the bees. The way I explained it to my son was there are people who make babies but aren't able to be mommies/daddies. We have some friends whose children are adopted so I gave them as examples. My son has no memory of his biological father and he has terminated his rights. My son is five and I started telling probably before two years old, when he started noticing other kids having daddies. I knew that his father wanted to terminate his rights and he had no involvement whatsoever, no child support and no family involvement at all, so much different than your situation. It would have been very easy for me to not tell him the truth and now his birth certificate shows no trace of his bio father even, but I am so glad I have been honest with him.

[cycle]

Originally Posted by Halfasianmomma

Yep, I have to agree about ex's mother not being the best babysitter if you don't want your ex communicating with your child. You can't really control what she does and if your ex is unstable, then it may not be the safest situation.

The "ex's mother" is also this child's grandmother and not just a babysitter.

[MissLotus]

Yes, as the grandmother, she certainly is going to facilitate contact between her son and grandchild and to think of him as the child's "daddy". Of all babysitters in the world, that is not the one to pick if you're trying to set those sorts of boundaries.

[Halfasianmomma]

Originally Posted by cycle

The "ex's mother" is also this child's grandmother and not just a babysitter.

I never suggested that she was "merely a babysitter". However, the OP's post seems to indicate that she was unhappy with the outcome of her ex's mother as caregiver because said person is allowing or encouraging contact between her DD and the biological father. My suggestion was to find another caregiver if she wishes to avoid this.

[doubledutch]

i don't think the op was upset about the phone contact. it doesn't sound like she is preventing phone contact, but more like her ex is making no effort to have a relationship with their dd. what the op is upset about is that her dd said, "hi, daddy," obviously thinking she was talking to the man she calls her daddy on a regular basis, and her ex is playing it up as if he is this wonderful daddy who's being deprived of his child, when in fact he hasn't made any attempt to be a daddy to her at all. op, correct me if i'm wrong!

[meemee]

so here is how i see it.

your dd has a relationship with her gma (ex's mom). that is EXCELLENT. many do not encourage that but its something big for our kids so i am happy you are doing that.

so he hasnt called you since february.

here is what i think - that makes logical sense.

i suspect this is not the first time your dd has spoken to her dad. i would imagine if your dd has been to gma's she has spoken to your ex.

obviously your ex does not want to call you because of CS reasons.

yes of course his behaviour is inexcusable.

but at least he is speaking to his daughter. it wont surprise me if your ex has visited his dd when she was with his mom.

now this is 'me' speaking. that is something i would encourage. i WOULD want my dd to have a connection with her biodad no matter what the circumstances. 'me myself' have opted out of CS so dd gets more time with her dad (its a long story).

for me the KEY is relationship with dad no matter what.

i have a group of single moms. some of our kids have grown up together. i have seen dad's who have pulled their act together. and some who have completely disappeared.

however you are the one who has to decide.

honestly i dont see anything wrong in this. yes it is not right, yes it is sly... but it is what it is.

to keep the peace i have given in a lot. yet its been to dd's advantage. today ex and i are at a 'decent place'. not an ideal place. but a decent place. something that really helped our situation was me refusing CS (in cash, he does pay in kind by taking care of dd's needs that i dont do, so i feel its fair), however that does not have to happen to you.

so while a part of me would be hopping mad with your ex, a part would be sooooooo happy at the sentiments he shared on fb.

i really feel the more father's and mothers we can provide our dd it is great for them.

[meemee]

Originally Posted by doubledutch

i don't think the op was upset about the phone contact. it doesn't sound like she is preventing phone contact, but more like her ex is making no effort to have a relationship with their dd. what the op is upset about is that her dd said, "hi, daddy," obviously thinking she was talking to the man she calls her daddy on a regular basis, and her ex is playing it up as if he is this wonderful daddy who's being deprived of his child, when in fact he hasn't made any attempt to be a daddy to her at all. op, correct me if i'm wrong!

yup you are spot on. i think.

[MariesMama]

I'm here. You mamas are all right. I've been having a rough couple of weeks and today didn't help.

Doubledutch NAILED IT. I don't try to prevent phone contact at all. My heart and DD's were broken over and over for her entire first year as I tried to get him to be a part of her life, only to be rejected for the worst and silliest reasons. Then he just left the state, the week after she turned one. He's called me/her four times since then. No cards or gifts. Nothing tangible for her to remember him by. He called on her birthday and she handed the phone back to me because she didn't know who he was, as she hadn't spoken to him since Christmas and that was only for a few minutes.

Also - no, he hasn't gone over there to visit, he's several states away with no way to get back here.

I know I need to tell her the truth, I just hadn't figured out the best way to do it at this age.

I also realllly realize that the grandmother isn't the best sitter if I'm not going to explain the situation to DD, but I was horribly desperate to finish moving out of my old house.

Thank you mamas, for some tough advice and support.

[One_Girl]

I find it very frustrating when my ex decides to pop in and be a dad again, especially when he did it the first time after almost two years of not being heard from at all. I didn't hide who dd's dad was, but I didn't bring it up either so she only recognized him from his pictures. It brought up a lot of questions and it was a lot of hassle. I think it is very kind of you to let his mom be a part of your child's life. I wish I knew more about the family that is on my biological fathers side. It is a part that I feel is missing, though I don't often think about it because I tend not to dwell on things much. I wish my dd's grandma was receptive to hearing from my dd.

[singin'intherain]

It would have been great for her to have contact with her dad, KNOWING WHO SHE WAS TALKING TO! I would find it disturbing, as well. But I don't know if he tricked her on purpose. He probably has no idea that to dd, "dad" is someone else entirely.

As for the comments on Facebook- remember he was just trying to gloat to his friends about what a great guy he is- your dd is unaffected by that cr*p.

[happysmileylady]

Think of this from the grandma's point of view. Her son has a child that he hasn't seen and she has that child visiting. Of COURSE she is going to tell that child that her is Daddy. Because as far as she is concerned, he IS. Regardless of what your child may or may not call your BF, her son is the biological father and in 2 year old speak, that's daddy. What else would she have your dd call him.

Now, that doesn't erase the confusion that it would and will cause if she is calling both men daddy. And that would be something that would need to be addressed with her. Which will likely be an uncomfortable situation.