Am I overreacting? :( Really worried... Update in Post #22. - Page 2

[cycle]

Well said Jen. Its always obvious when a poster comes here pro daddy that they are married to either a NC Father or a father who has custody, the minority.

OP, I am really worried for you and your son and hope he is home soon. Have you called the police yet? I do not think it is premature or out of line for you to do so.

While working on your custody agreement be sure to review the thread on here "What do you wish you put in your custody agreement" or something like that. There is tons of great information there. Keep us posted.

[Pariah]

The ex just called. He said he'll be here in 3-4 hours. He called from an unfamiliar number, but it was a cell because he's on the highway now. I asked why he didn't call me to let me know his phone was off and he said, "I'm too busy running a farm." Apparently he's doing farm work in exchange for a room where he is staying. He's definitely not RUNNING a farm. I asked, "You couldn't call me once, just for two seconds? I was worried" and he just talked over me about how he was in the car and on his way, and asking if I was finally satisfied. I asked, "Are you just going to ignore my questions?" and he said, "Yep. LATER!" and hung up on me.

I am so angry at that "man" who pulls this with me ALL. THE. TIME. Every interaction is like this. I could throw something across the room right now.

[Minxie]

Originally Posted by Jeannine

Keep in mind it's upsetting to kids in a divorce - who know there's conflict between their parents - to have police show up at the door. This should not be done just because Mom is upset about being away from the child and doesn't like/trust the Dad. There should be a good reason. Dad DID tell her where he's staying. There's evidence his phone may have been turned off for non-payment and this is an unusual situation. The fact that he gripes about wanting more time with his child could simply mean that he loves his child. She does not say he's threatened to abduct him, nor that he has any history of doing so. On the contrary, SHE has a history of denying HIS parenting time with the child.

The one who ought to keep that in mind is the parent who is not answering the phone or communicating with the other parent. I am a child of divorced parents myself so I TOTALLY understand. I am also a mother so I understand the OP's anxiety. The child's father is not answering the phone and letting her twist in the wind as a measure of control. That's ridiculous and IMO, abusive.

He is the one choosing not to answer his phone. He is the one making it difficult for her to talk to him. He is the one refusing to pass on information so maybe he should be the one to understand that actions have consequences.

[*MamaJen*]

Did you get your baby back?

[Pariah]

I did. He got in pretty late and cried for a little while because he said he had lots of bad dreams at daddy's. We cuddled in bed and read a story, and he's in a great mood today. I don't know yet what I'm going to do about future visitation requests from his dad, but at least I'm not so incredibly worried like I have been the past couple days. I'll figure the rest out somehow...

[VocalMinority]

OK, with more info. I see why you're concerned and angry.

I still think it's good basic policy that if he agreed to bring the child back on a certain day, you should wait until then before calling the cops, unless there's a clear reason to proceed otherwise (such as him making a specific threat or someone telling you they saw him getting high at a party while he's supposed to be with your kids). I also think if there's a pervasive problem with him keeping an unreliable visitation schedule, you should pursue a strict, court-ordered schedule and stick to it. Then, if he then shows up demanding visitation outside that schedule with no prior discussion and he's verbally abusive to you in front of the child, there is no grey area: You're unquestionably entitled to tell him to leave and to call the cops if he won't. At the same time, when he does show up at his court-ordered time, you can't claim to be surprised that he wants visitation then (even if - for whatever reason - he couldn't make it the time before).

Based only on what was in the original post, this complaint sounded very similar to what my husband's ex-wife used to tell everyone about him: that he was unreliable about showing up for visitation; that he was excessively and unreasonably angry; that she feared for their son's safety during his parenting time and also feared he'd abduct him; that the desires he expressed for more time with their son were all bunk and just part of his overall effort to create conflict and harass her. But in truth, he was twisting his life into a pretzel to clear the obstacles she created for his exercise of parenting time, such as telling him it "wasn't convenient" when he showed up to pick up his son; only agreeing to parenting time during hours that required him to take time off work; moving out of state with the child; calling cops to do welfare checks because she had a "bad feeling" during his parenting time...

Since there are usually two sides to a story, when a person gives incomplete snippets of a complaint, I think it's fine to ask some questions before judging and condemning the other parent. The OP's ex probably says horrible things about her, to people in his support network. Wouldn't it be right for those people to ask some questions before declaring about the OP: "That b*#@^! You should call the cops on her!" ?

I don't always side with Dads. I just seek to be fair in the absence of complete information.

[Pariah]

I have no problems with asking questions, and if you had done that instead of making assumptions, that would have been fine.

I mentioned that he lived five hours away and you said...

Goodness! And you can't give this man a little credit for the fact that missed visits may have something to do with the difficulty of getting there to exercise them, rather than just not caring about seeing his kid!?

...when really, a better way to ask instead of make assumptions and try to make me out as the bad guy here would be something along the lines of "Is the long distance what is causing him to miss visits?" Your wording and tone is what I and others have not found acceptable about your replies.

you should pursue a strict, court-ordered schedule and stick to it

If you go back and read my posts, you'll see that I filed for custody, divorce, child support, and visitation decisions back in February and I am still waiting for a court date for these things to be decided. I'm the one who has been begging the ex to decide a schedule with me and stick to it. I'm so much more flexible with my ex than he deserves.

At the same time, when he does show up at his court-ordered time, you can't claim to be surprised that he wants visitation then (even if - for whatever reason - he couldn't make it the time before).

This has never happened before. I've never kept him from seeing our son at a scheduled visitation time. I've never once kept our child from him except the time that he showed up totally at random, off schedule, etc etc as I've already described in a previous post. Again -- you seem to be trying to find any way to make me out as the bad parent here when I've done nothing wrong.

this complaint sounded very similar to what my husband's ex-wife used to tell everyone about him

You seem to project your reality onto other people's situations, whether you realize it or not. If you're husband is awesome and involved, great. Consider yourself lucky. But lots of us aren't, and we're not lying about it like your husband's ex-wife allegedly does.

[Ceinwen]

Originally Posted by Minxie

The one who ought to keep that in mind is the parent who is not answering the phone or communicating with the other parent. I am a child of divorced parents myself so I TOTALLY understand. I am also a mother so I understand the OP's anxiety. The child's father is not answering the phone and letting her twist in the wind as a measure of control. That's ridiculous and IMO, abusive.

He is the one choosing not to answer his phone. He is the one making it difficult for her to talk to him. He is the one refusing to pass on information so maybe he should be the one to understand that actions have consequences.

To the OP I would be extremely stressed and upset over this situation as well. Kudos to you for keeping it together so well.

To address the above quote - absolutely. When my ex (with whom I have a semi-decent relationship with) refuses to answer my calls, I get very upset and agitated.

As he does when he calls here to talk to his children and we aren't able to get to the phone, whether we're busy or gone out.

It can be excruciating when you're trying to work on something and you have someone who's refusing to co-operate in any way shape or form.