handing things down to younger siblings

[Boot]

How do you handle this? We have a 3 year old and a baby. Obviously we are reusing most of the baby stuff that we had with DS for DD. I recently got out a bag of nice baby toys (wooden, organic cotton, etc) most of which had been given to DS as a baby. He hasn't played with them for years, never asked for them when they were put away, but now that he sees them he remembers that they are his. I just kind of glossed over that particular example but it got me thinking about other things that I will want him to hand down, like his trike. Yes, they are his but I'm not going to go out and spend $$$ on another trike when there is a perfectly good one that he has outgrown just sitting there. Some toys are gifts and are special to him, and I wouldn't make him give those up. Other toys are 'his' because he was the only child when they came into the family but I got them with multiple children in mind (like the wooden train set, etc) and I would expect them to belong equally to both children. This weekend we are going to put up his old crib for the new baby. It was his as a toddler bed until recently so I hope he is OK about seeing it going to his sister. Hmmmm. Thoughts?

[cappuccinosmom]

Handing down is a given.

If a trike is outgrown and unused, it will either go to a younger sibling or be donated.

Each of our children has a few special items that are theirs for as long as they want to keep them. But everything else in the house is family property, to be used and enjoyed together. We don't hoard. We don't keep things we really don't want just so we can look at them and think "MINE!"

This is a teaching moment. He may not like it, but IMO better to get used to the idea now at a young age.

[love4bob]

All of the toys in our house are communal as well.(except for their comfort toys) I haven't ever has an issue really, but maybe it is because my girls are closer together. They don't know any different.

[Letitia]

My kids are pretty close in age - 16 months - so sometimes there's no interval at all between something going from being used solely by DD to being used by both or by DS. We try not to create an environment where toys belong to one or the other of them, although there are a couple things that have definitely been labelled. With clothing, we have at times pointed out to DD that something is too small for her, and then ask her if she wants to give it to DS. Suprisingly to me, she usually does. I think she likes being part of the process.

[beanma]

If he's outgrown the trike does he have a bike or a new bigger ride-on now? If so, then he can hear the message, you've outgrown this and you have this other thing that's for the size you are now (just like clothes) and we'll give the littler thing to sis. It's really been a non-issue in our house as long as the big sib still has something comparable (you've outgrown your old trike and have a bike, now, etc).

With the wooden baby toys I would encourage him that, yes they were yours and now you can play with them with little sis.

hth

[Tjej]

There are some things that are DDs or DSs, but most things our FAMILY owns. DD used them when she was a baby and then DS used when he was a baby... I talk about stuff like that.

As far as the toys, let your DS play with them and enjoy them with his little sister. He can show them to her and tell her about how he played with them. She's not going to be jealous or mind, and it will help him feel good about the baby. If you do what you can to treat most things as "OURS" then your DS will too, so this potential problem won't really be a big one.

Also, I have found that doing some donating of my things that I don't use anymore seems to help (and DD asking about it and me telling her that is what I am doing - donating something that I don't need that someone else might really use).

Tjej

[pianojazzgirl]

Originally Posted by cappuccinosmom

This is a teaching moment.

I say something along the lines of: "this toy/outfit/trike is for the toddlers in our family. When you were a toddler you used it, and now that x is a toddler she will use it. If we ever have another baby then the *whatever* will be his to use."

Don't forget to that by the time your baby gets to be old enough to use the trike (to take that example) your oldest will be more like 5 yrs old and will have his own "big kid bike" and will probably not care in the least. My kids are also 3 yrs apart and I have to say that handing things down has not ever been an issue as far as I can remember. And at 3 yrs old it won't be long before your ds doesn't remember what it's like NOT to have a sibling, so the thought of handing toys down, and (all but certain special) toys being communal property will just be automatic.

[Linda on the move]

There are a few things, like stuffed animals and some dolls, that belonged to one child, but for the most part things were held in common.

Besides the fact that it would be silly to spend the money on another trike, where would you store all this stuff? Kids just keep out growing things. It is a LOT of stuff over the years. Your son will go through a bunch of bikes before he's 18.

When we give things away, I tell my kids that stuff no longer blesses our lives, so we are going to let it bless some body elses. May be you could do something similar with your son.

[LaughingHyena]

My 2 are just over 2 years apart. Baby toys never seemed to be an issue, DD did spend some time playing with them but was quite happy for DS to play too.

Things like duplo and little people where we had started collecting before DS was born we bought him a few more bits to add to the collection. That seemed to help DD feel they both had some stake in the big box. It's worked well and we still work this way, we'll buy each child some play food or whatever but it all gets mixed into one set for them both to play with.

With the outdoor toys we did end up buying a scoot along bike for DS as he wanted to ride with DD and couldn't manage the trike we have. Again we then treated them as shared toys although we did encourage DD to give DS priority on the one he found easiest to ride.

Again bikes have not so far been an issue, DD has been excited enough by her new (bigger) one that she happily passed the old one down.

[2xy]

I used to tell my DS, "That [item] is meant for babies [or little kids], and you do not use it anymore because you are a big kid. We're going to let the baby use it because you have [big kid item]." I don't remember it ever really being an issue.

[confustication]

We have a huge age gap between our first and second, and between the second and third is only a 14 month gap. Additionally, our oldest is a girl, and two boys follow.

This means, the younger two haven't a clue about having individual stuff and by the time they are big enough to want to play with something, she's either playing with it in a very different way, or she's done with it.

We also work on a 'family property' concept, as it seems to help a lot with the jealousy.

The littles are still very little- 23 mos and 9 mos, so I am sure there will be bumps in the road.

[Grace and Granola]

You might be having a hard time now because your oldest is 3 and having a young sibling to pass down to is a new concept. As time passes, your ds will get used to the idea that he outgrows certain things and then he gets to share them with siblings. But by the time he gets to age 6 when your younger child is ready for the trike, he is not going care about that trike, because he now has a big kid bike. He will mature and those things won't be a big deal. Sharing current toys will be more of a problem than passing down things he no longer uses.

[elmh23]

our rule has been that, except for a few very special toys, all the toys in the house belong to everyone. the kids are 5, 3 and 4 months and so far it has worked out well. the older ones are more than welcome to play with babes toys but the standard "don't take from your sibling" applies to everyone.

[Linda on the move]

Originally Posted by Boot

I recently got out a bag of nice baby toys (wooden, organic cotton, etc) most of which had been given to DS as a baby. He hasn't played with them for years, never asked for them when they were put away, but now that he sees them he remembers that they are his.

I think that involving him in things could help too. Responding with a big smile and saying something like "yes they were. Isn't it wonderful that little sister can play with them now? Which one do you think she like like to play with first?"

When my older DD went through a phase of taking things away from her sister (mostly because she preferred being an only child to being a big sister) I would ask her to go pick out a good toy for her sister. It seemed to diffuse the situation and give her a sense of control.

[littlemizflava]

i had to make this rule due to thats mine it was given to me. once a toy has been given as a gift and comes in to our home it is equally everyones to play with. yes it was given to XX but that dont mean YY is not allowed to play with it.

since things bounce between my children (8,3.5) and my sisters (11,9,10m). if it is too small it is packed away for a baby or if we know who it will go to i say their name. my ds is 3.5 and understands it dont fit or its a baby toy it is packed away or given to a baby to play with.
it can be a blessing trust me. my dd 8 tells my sisters dd 11 that she cant wait for her to outgrow something.

[staceychev]

Originally Posted by Boot

I recently got out a bag of nice baby toys (wooden, organic cotton, etc) most of which had been given to DS as a baby. He hasn't played with them for years, never asked for them when they were put away, but now that he sees them he remembers that they are his.

My daughter was a bit older--4.5--when I had my second daughter, but we went through this as well. I talked about how they were for the baby to use, and she wanted to hear stories about how she liked to play with them. And yes, she did want to know about how they were hers and did get a tiny bit territorial. I just let her play with them and it wore off pretty quickly. Now she likes to bring them out for her sister.

Oh, and even though I was the oldest, bikes were regularly hand-me-downs in my family. All the way up until after college, when I bought my own bike (used!), I think only 2 of my bikes were new.

[LionessMom]

i always tell my kids when it is time to go through their stuff. with help from me. i always suggesy what to put away or give away, but in the end if they really dont want to and i cant get them too, they keep. when i dug out all Dsd's stuff for DD1 or DD1's stuff for DD2 we have the same convo. it is not yours anymore. you have new stuff. we want to give it to the baby, cuuz she is a baby and needs baby stuff, but you are a big kid and has big kid stuff. but i am sure baby would be happy if you showed her how to play with it. etc. that is how ii have handled it. it has worked for my kids.

[lilyka]

Originally Posted by Linda on the move

I think that involving him in things could help too. Responding with a big smile and saying something like "yes they were. Isn't it wonderful that little sister can play with them now? Which one do you think she like like to play with first?"
.

I love this.

My kids rarely had a problem handing things down (things like their baby dolls are thiers forever though..thats actually all I can think of that does not get shared. If they refuse to share, then they also gve up the privledge of being shared with which ends their selfishness pretty quick.).

Another fun thing to do is find a picture of them wearing that outfit or playing with that toy for them to show the baby or have them "help" the baby play with the toys.

[limabean]

I started a similar thread shortly after my DD was born, but it hasn't ended up being a problem. There were a few times I had to tell DS, "We called this 'yours' because you were our only child back then, but really it's for all the kids in our family: you, your sister, and any other kids that we may have." That answer seemed to satisfy him.

[Alyantavid]

I use these times for making sure my older son knows that his brother got something because he's little enough to use it. And ds1 is so grown up that he has all these cooler toys that ds2 isn't able to use yet.

But we really haven't had much of an issue with it.