Please Help. Sick and tired of insensitive language comments.

[BellaClaudia]

So.. basically me and dh are from the same country number 1.
We live in country number 2... for many years. we have a dd, currently 5,
and she speaks fabulously language of the country she was born in which is
country number 2 where we permanently live and intend doing so..

now.. we have very little connections with our old country and we do not really even visit .. other then onece in a decade... yet any countryfolks from our old country whenever encounter our dd always have something to comment on how dissgusting it is to them that she does not speak their language.. as in they will try to say hallo and some small talk and she won't respond so there they will give us their mind...

of course aside from it being entirely rude, I don't feel to explain mostly total strangers or barly acointances why we chose this to be the way.

We don't entirely close the idea of learning her the other language but we simply don't see it being benefitial to her at this point and learing it as a hobby we wanted to do when we chose to do so, not because we "should be doing it".

I don't want this to turn into convincing about learning second lanugage early and often. I know all there is to know about it and so I just want some
support as to how to deal with people who have no business
to express their thoughts in front of my child to make her to feel inferior
as she does not meet their expectance.

Aside from the fact that she is generally shy and she won't speak to strangers in the language she is using everyday anyways.. let alone with strangers who speak differnt language..

I just don't know what and how to put so they will back off..
Cerainly I don't feel like educating everyone to democracy and right to choose parenting ways but clearly there is never end of it when
the ask somwhat politely at first "does she speak languageX?".. and there we goo.. NO?!!!!!!!!!! this is a SHAME!! why did not YOU TEACH her!!!!

I mean really.. I speak the other language perfectly perfect and I rearly really use it myself and we really do not have any contact with people who speak that language other then ourselves on everday basis so
when we meet those accidental people we hear it over and over again..

I need some short and helfpul ready comment that I could just reproduce
to them. I have problem with wording things right when I am upset or
frustrated like in confrontation with those people so if you can think of
some proper wording I would be greately appreciative.

What upsets me most is the right that those people feel to
speak to me like they can tell me what to do or to criticize my child
in front of her like nothing happens.

I sometimes am not in the position of being plain rude as they are
and I need something polite yet straight forward and simple.

Please help.

[texmati]

*sigh* I am/was in the same position as your DD. I used to get comments like this all the time growing up (and even now), and I don't think people realize how hurtful it is. The reason I am not fluent in the language of country 1 is that somewhere in my childhood, my parents shifted to mainly english at home.

The snark in me want's to say "hmmm... I"m sure you didn't think about how hurtful that comment was before you said it."

The realist in me would probably just say, "This is what we have chosen for our family."


That being said, from the other side, people are afraid if assimilation-- quite often they see it as loosing culture, heritage, a big part of themselves. Language is the first to go, (food is the last). If you want to be extra kind, you might say " we don't teach her the language, but she does know about <blank from culture of country 1>."

hth!

[Linda on the move]

Originally Posted by BellaClaudia

I don't feel to explain mostly total strangers or barly acointances why we chose this to be the way.

keep repeating the same phrase over and over, and eventually they will shut up. I like "I can see how you would feel that way, none the less, this is what we've decided to do."

Stay polite and matter of fact. Don't actual argue with anything they say or try to explain, just stay clear that the decision has been made so there's nothing to discuss. They might make another comment or two, but just keep repeating "I can see how you would feel that way, none the less, this is what we've decided to do" and they will eventually give up.

Aside from the fact that she is generally shy and she won't speak to strangers in the language she is using everyday anyways.. let alone with strangers who speak differnt language..

yes, we were living out of the country when DD#1 was young and could have sent her to school in a second language. For many kids, it would have been a great opportunity. For her, it would have been a disaster. She was super quiet, very shy, and barely speaking in English. You really have to do what feels like the best option for YOUR child for right now, and you are her mommy and know her best.

They don't know her like you do.

[St. Margaret]

These are total strangers? Do they KNOW you are first generation in the new country? That does sound annoying and rude of them. I'd pick one line and move on. If you are just chatting in passing... pass!

[sapphire_chan]

:
"Leave my dd alone, we left Country1 specifically so our kids wouldn't have to deal with judgmental people like you."

Kidding! But how about something like

"She's a Country2er, born and raised."

Or working with her until she can say "leave me alone" in the language of a third country.

[velochic]

For the people that are strangers, don't talk to them in your mother tongue. How can they know you speak Language 1 if you don't speak to them in it? I can't imagine why or how strangers would assume you speak a particular language that is not natively spoken in the country you now live.

For the acquaintances, I'd just be polite as others have mention and repeat the same thing until they get the message.

I wonder, though, are these people being rude or just curious? I ask because without wanting to cause any offense, I would probably ask why you've decided to not raise your child bilingual when all the resources are at your disposal. I'd just be curious. Dh is not American and he and dd are bilingual at home. We've lived abroad a few times and dd now attends a one-way language immersion private school and is fluent in yet a 3rd language. Between the 3 of us, we are fluent in 7 languages and can get by in 2 others... we have seen first-hand the benefits of raising a child bilingual and in dh's case, being that child as well. I could see myself asking you why you choose not to just out of curiosity, as my undergrad degree was in linguistics. I wouldn't even think that it might be rude.

However, if these people bug you about it, and continually go on and on (and trying to convince you to go the bilingual route), that's just not appropriate. A one-time question, though, I could see as just being idle curiosity. Of course if you get asked the same question over and over again, even if it's from different people, I can see it getting old and setting you off.

Good luck with finding a solution!

[swd12422]

Originally Posted by velochic

For the people that are strangers, don't talk to them in your mother tongue. How can they know you speak Language 1 if you don't speak to them in it? I can't imagine why or how strangers would assume you speak a particular language that is not natively spoken in the country you now live.
...

B/c that is how a lot of people are, whether we like it or not. I had a few friends growing up who were 1st generation Americans, and they got a lot of flak from people in their community who were from their countries (4 different countries that I can think of right now) for not knowing their "native" language. All six of them were from different families, and several different countries, so it's not like it's one culture, and all of them, for whatever reason, didn't speak their parents' native language and were berated for it. I think some people just feel strongly about preserving their culture even if they're not living in their homeland, and some people are brazenly outspoken about what they feel is "right," whether it's about parenting, or politics, or religion, or money, or whatever.

So I guess the bottom line is that you respond the same way you'd respond if they chastised you for the way your daughter dresses/behaves/looks/eats/plays. Tell them how you're raising your kids is your business, not theirs, in whatever way works for you. But I doubt you can say anything that will stop the comments, unless you teach her a few words/phrases to placate the strangers so they'll think she knows the language.

[wookie]

We are in the same situation where our kids *understand* our original language 100% but don`t speak it. It`s not like they don`t have the opportunity as we speak mainly language 2 at home but I guess because we (the parents) are fluently bilingual our kids don`t feel the need to speak to us in 2 because they know we understand English. It`s just easier for them, yk.

In your shoes, I would say (and have said) ``We`ve tried, but he`s his own person and chooses to speak in whatever language he wants to. Try speaking in 1 and I bet he`ll understand you completely.`` If he`s shy or plain mute when someone tries to talk to him, I and say ``You sure can`t *make* him do something when he doesn`t want to.`` And then I pass on.

[velochic]

Originally Posted by swd12422

B/c that is how a lot of people are, whether we like it or not. I had a few friends growing up who were 1st generation Americans, and they got a lot of flak from people in their community who were from their countries (4 different countries that I can think of right now) for not knowing their "native" language. All six of them were from different families, and several different countries, so it's not like it's one culture, and all of them, for whatever reason, didn't speak their parents' native language and were berated for it. I think some people just feel strongly about preserving their culture even if they're not living in their homeland, and some people are brazenly outspoken about what they feel is "right," whether it's about parenting, or politics, or religion, or money, or whatever.

I don't think you understood me. A complete stranger has to somehow find out/learn that A). The OP speaks Language 1 then B). Find out that the child/ren are not learning the language. Unless she is somehow offering the information unsolicited, how are they finding out this information? She must be telling them. I wasn't talking about people in the neighborhood or acquaintances. I was talking about the complete strangers she was mentioning.

[Forthwith]

Originally Posted by velochic

I don't think you understood me. A complete stranger has to somehow find out/learn that A). The OP speaks Language 1 then B). Find out that the child/ren are not learning the language. Unless she is somehow offering the information unsolicited, how are they finding out this information? She must be telling them. I wasn't talking about people in the neighborhood or acquaintances. I was talking about the complete strangers she was mentioning.

Based on friend's experiences I would assume that A) they recognise the OP's accent, and B) then speak to the OP's daughter in the language in question, and are met with a blank stare.

[velochic]

Originally Posted by Kelmendi

Based on friend's experiences I would assume that A) they recognise the OP's accent, and B) then speak to the OP's daughter in the language in question, and are met with a blank stare.

Hmmm... I guess I'm basing this on our personal experience at home, abroad in countries foreign to us, and in dh's native country... that strangers don't usually just come up and start talking to us, the likelihood that when abroad they would happen to be from the native country is almost non-existent, and accents are very hard to pin down (e.g. when I've lived abroad and am talking to someone in the native language of where we are living (Russian, German, French), I can't tell by their accent in that language that they are also from North America. Likewise, dh isn't able to tell that someone is from his native country when speaking something other than his native languages).

[lolar2]

Originally Posted by velochic

Hmmm... I guess I'm basing this on our personal experience at home, abroad in countries foreign to us, and in dh's native country... that strangers don't usually just come up and start talking to us, the likelihood that when abroad they would happen to be from the native country is almost non-existent, and accents are very hard to pin down (e.g. when I've lived abroad and am talking to someone in the native language of where we are living (Russian, German, French), I can't tell by their accent in that language that they are also from North America. Likewise, dh isn't able to tell that someone is from his native country when speaking something other than his native languages).

Then perhaps OP is from a country where strangers do come up to people (at least people with babies or children) and start talking to them. Or she could now be in such an area (some parts of Texas and California are like that, just in terms of places I've lived; I'm sure there are others).

A high school acquaintance of mine, whose parents were from Pakistan, said she sometimes got reprimanded by strangers for not speaking Spanish!? I guess her coloring and features "read" as Latin American to those particular strangers (she was talking about strangers in her hometown in Colorado).

[velochic]

Originally Posted by lolar2

Then perhaps OP is from a country where strangers do come up to people (at least people with babies or children) and start talking to them. Or she could now be in such an area (some parts of Texas and California are like that, just in terms of places I've lived; I'm sure there are others).

A high school acquaintance of mine, whose parents were from Pakistan, said she sometimes got reprimanded by strangers for not speaking Spanish!? I guess her coloring and features "read" as Latin American to those particular strangers (she was talking about strangers in her hometown in Colorado).

Right... that was why I asked the question, directed at the OP. How can they know unless the strangers are talking in the native language? I can't understand why that would happen, but as I said, I'm basing that on *my* experiences raising a multilingual dd, having a non-American dh, and having lived in a few different countries foreign to both of us and foreign to just one of us. Not knowing the languages or the country or the community the OP is talking about, it's hard to give any BTDT pointers unless her interactions with strangers are better understood. Perhaps she does live where strangers come up to people... it's just as likely that they do not, though (actually it's more likely that they do not, so the question is why are strangers approaching her and making many assumptions).

[BellaClaudia]

Originally Posted by velochic

Right... that was why I asked the question, directed at the OP. How can they know unless the strangers are talking in the native language? I can't understand why that would happen, but as I said, I'm basing that on *my* experiences raising a multilingual dd, having a non-American dh, and having lived in a few different countries foreign to both of us and foreign to just one of us. Not knowing the languages or the country or the community the OP is talking about, it's hard to give any BTDT pointers unless her interactions with strangers are better understood. Perhaps she does live where strangers come up to people... it's just as likely that they do not, though (actually it's more likely that they do not, so the question is why are strangers approaching her and making many assumptions).

OP here..
thank you all for smart/insightful/hilarious/wonderful answers. I have studied them carefully and they helped me to understand the other side and helped me to be more "prepared".

As to "how the strangers get the idea that I am from their country?":

As someone figured it out correctly.. they can tell from the accent. Totally.
It is very obvious thing in people that come from my country and they are 1st generation.. they just have rather heavy and specific accent that you can sometimes miss by one country in one direction but this is slight miss and happen 1 in million times I can easily spot my native by the looks.. and then just wait till he or she starts speaking English.. "gotcha"! never missed.

Of course I never assume like them in a verbal and provocative way in an acutal conversation as in "oh you must be from MY country".. I never ask.. I never suggest..
If they want to reveal their nationality then this is their business... I respect their right to be whoever they want to appear or be...
If I pass by hearing my language I don't bother them eaither..
I myself just grew tired of small talk with natives over years that we have nothing in common aside from having the current couture and country in common and the small talk usually leads nowhere and just takes time.. as we usually never meet again... of course if the situation requries I will always kindly oblidge to small-talk and chit chat ..

However nowdays my "natives" can "detect me" from my accent when I adress my daughter and this is enough for them to "strike"...

of course first accuastion is: HOW COME YOU SPEAK TO YOUR DAUGHTER IN ENGLISH??? DOES NOT SHE SPEAK OUR LANGUAGE?

then the converstation goes pretty much in the same rude manner..
"Little one.. how are you doing? .blah blah blah.. "in my native language
and the child who is for one intimidated by stranger going all over fuzzy wuzzy or plaind rudely investigative in my native language.. won't say A WORD so then they get back at me..

and God forbid I translate to my child what they say into English or something then they go :.. "oh.. there youuuuuuuuu gooooooo..
you are doing it agian.. you are speaking to her in English!!!
you need to start using your language NOW this instance this second!"..


It is borderline hilarious.. I can see myself dropping everything and my whole
concept of parenting in the language area and just trying to please this very particular rude person by teaching my dd the language of our forfathers..
year.. right.


in any case.. yes. my country men are rude. they will ask this kind of question first five second of conversation even if not ivited .. as stated above.. even just by hearing I am from their country and speaking to my dd in English..

Local people will never ask about any of those things.. and curiously enough I think they are curious just the same. It is just different culture.

I don't want to explain my reasons to nobody out there and I apologise if I did not sattissfy in full that regard to some kind responders to my question but it all comes to the fact that we all know what is best for our child.

Generally speaking it is mostly realted to her character and how she approached the idea of learning two languages, and the complications with her speach we encountered at some point that were just obvious as to the source so we decided to give up.. and come back to the topic when she will master one language. The difference in command of first language was immediate, and all speach issues went away instantly.. we tried again.. they all come back.. we gave up .. they went away.. so
I guess every child is different.

It might have had something to do with the fact that although there are my natives here we are not close with anybody who speak the language for her to practice with aside of me and it just did not work for her my shifting gears all the time back and forth.. Father would not help much so it was just me...

Answereing the idea of having all the resources and wasting them....

Well.. on personal level.. there was a time in my life when I had to learn and use 5 lanugages.. reading.. writing .. all of it..

5 Languages later I think that language is just a form of communcation.
I don't see how knowing 5 languages made me a better /wiser /smarter
person.

One needs to learn a language and once one gets it.. one opens mind
that learning a language is not a racket science but something that
is just a reslut of invested time and effort.

I feel that knowing A language is secondary to knowing A culture.
One can know a language perfectly perfect.. go to the country of
that language and be most ingnorant as one can be... wheras
one can be familiar and grow up in a country and one does not
need to know the language to know and feel the culture.

Have you ever had a feeling .. after learning fluently French..
German.. English.. whatever.. and then going for the first time to that
country that maybe you knew the language of the people
but you did not know anything really?.. being total stranger
with a language allowing you to read menu in the restaurant
in the most proficient way without having a clue what the
names really represent on the plate?

Yet how many of us know so much about so many of the countries..
the struggles and greatness of so many countries.. their cuisine..
their poltics..their geography.. their history without knowing their
languages? and when we encounter the native of that country
we can speak in English with him or her in the most communicative
way..


So again from my prespecitve a language is a language.. it is just
a system of communication
And what is important is WHAT one has to say rather then in which
language.. these days and age more true then ever before.

I love this forum as we are like a garden of flowers.. we came from
all countries.. all languages and yet we speak here the same language.
Would it really matter if we spoke to eachother in the native language
of eachother? Hardly.

We would still debate issues of nursing, attachment parenting
and alikes.. we would just call them differently but the meaning would be just the same.

As to keeping the culture? We do. We are not ashamed of who we are.
We just feel that at this point we have right to let our child to
take it at her own pace and make some decission when the time will be right.. and for now our goal is to do it without
some people who have little to offer and lot to damage to keep away.

So thanks for all the tips and suggestions.

[velochic]

You don't have to answer this, as it appears that you don't want to disclose it, but my guess is you're Italian?

As for the comment about learning a language fluently, then going to that country and feeling like you know nothing. That *did* happen to me, but not the way you are meaning (I don't think). After I got my undergrad degree in Slavic Linguistics (with 5 years of Russian, and "near-native" fluency, according to the State Department), I stepped off the plane and felt like I hadn't spoken a single word of Russian ever. However, I learned my language in a classroom. In a week, I was fine... it was just learning the flow of native conversation and I did feel like "one of them" in all ways but looks. Having the language *did* make me feel like I was part of the culture. I think a person can have a cultural identity without being a native of that culture and visa versa, someone who is raised according to their parents' cultural identity can still feel like an outsider in the midst of it.

I *do* think that it's important that language be part of maintaining a cultural identity. That's my opinion, and I would never question someone who isn't. You have your reasons and I agree that it's simply rude for your countrymen and women to be that blatantly direct. Perhaps you can come up with some "blanket" replies that are equally as rude to put them off. Something like "I'd rather teach her to mind her own business in English than to teach her to be rude in Italian (or whatever the language is)."

I understand why you are doing what you are doing, but in spite of not agreeing with it, it's none of my business... nor theirs. It sounds like it's more prevalent than I assumed and I can see why you'd be peeved. Best of luck!!