I tried to keep this short, but it's 10 years of gunk.
I know in my heart that spending as little time w/ mil is the best thing for my health – but I still feel guilty for telling her “no” when she calls and wants to see dh and I. And keep in mind this is all one-sided, so there's probably some grians of salt you should take when reading it. We are going through a VERY rough patch in our marriage. Mil has always been a point of contention and it feels like she always shows up whenever we’re having difficulties. Always. When I first met dh she talked to him in a baby voice. It was so bizarre – but she stopped a few years into our marriage. She loves attention and is an extremely selfish person who put the needs of her only child behind hers and those of the married man she had an affair with for over 30 years. We’ll not discuss the illegal drugs she had around dh as a child or the abusive baby sitters he had to deal with either. But there are stories that would make you cry. She needs to be liked or pitied by people and it’s sickening to watch. The first hint at this that I had was in the first months of dh’s and my relationship. We were pg, but not married yet and I watched as she told one of dh’s former friends how dh used her for her money and basically left her penniless because he was so horrific to her and selfish. Everything she said was a lie. Where was dh? Yeah, at WORK, making money for impending baby. I was flabbergasted.
After mc #1, mil was horrid. Every chance she could take to make a dig or make me cry, I was in tears. I finally just started ignoring her and shutting down whenever we were w/ her and doing my own thing. She had always made the comment to dh that he couldn’t have kids before he turned 25, because she was too young to be a grandma until after that. That occurred right around the one year anni of our first mc and all I heard about was her
grandbabies. She stocked up on clothes and toys for them, etc. It was horrific. This was also about the time that she started hinting that we should buy a house together. We have since had 2 more mc’s and no living kiddos. So she’s out of luck, I think. 
She had some surgery and health issues around 2006 and she’s now on disability. She was told then that she needs to stop smoking or she will die. Since I’ve known her she’s had 2 cancer scares and a host of other health issues. She was diagnosed as manic-depressive about 7 years ago, but flipped out on her meds at the time. Idk what/if she’s on now.
We lived next door to mil for the first years of our marriage because of finances and it was hell. She suddenly developed a phobia of being alone in public and that meant we went with her nearly everywhere. Every chance she had she’d get in the way. We finally moved & she refused to talk to dh for weeks when he told her. For many years she had a pattern where if dh went over to see her for a visit, in less than 2 weeks she’d be calling us to come rush her to the ER or meet her there– we lived like 20 minutes away – so it must not have been THAT big of a deal. This went on for many years, until we cut contact with her except for major holidays. Bliss. When we did started seeing her again around 2008 I would get MRSA infections a lot – she’s colonized. It sucked. I finally started using the hibaclens stuff and it’s helped a lot lately. But I’ve still had 2 infections in 2010. I hate it.
Last month she actually had the audacity to talk to dh about how she thought she was the best mother she could have been for him and how he turned out so great. Considering our current situation – that’s debateable. Not saying that dh hasn’t shown some amazing qualities in the past and may yet again, but the situation we are facing right now is because of very poor decisions he made. Although having her pat herself on the back like that was nauseating, I kept my mouth.
For my b-day a few weeks ago dh planned a trip. Mil house/dog sat. She took the time to clean my disgusting dirty house, just ask her. Well sorry, I’ve been stressed and sick a lot. She wanted brownie points for remembering my b-day which she didn’t even know I had until 2008 and only because dh was in the hospital on my bday. She spent my bday morning begging for attention talking about how she’s worked hard not to put dh in between us, she was smoking again (and I think wanted scolded), etc., etc. She also brought up this piece of property she wants us to buy that has 4 houses on it – within like 20 feet of each other. We’ve already told her no. Dh has told her repeatedly that we are not living w/ her ever. She’s not taking the hint. IDespite her having her car at our house we had to drive her home, because she’d ‘hurt’ herself cleaning my nasty dirty house and was on her pain meds and simply couldn’t drive home alone.
Now she wants dh and I to go on a day trip with her. I normally just give in because we see her so little and I don’t want dh to not have a relationship with her because of me. Dh put it up to me and I was going to say ok, but I’m getting body aches again and have a fever and I’m pretty sure I’m getting sick again. And I realized that I’m just done with her. NO. We are not going to drive her stupid butt all over the city and state – she has a car. Dh said he wasn’t even going to call her back. So, my guilt over totally disliking her had just gotten the better of me.
So, after all of that – sorry so long. Tell me if I’m wrong about not wanting to jump to this woamn’s every whim. The thought of having to sit in my car w/ her for hours while she talks about herself as we drive up north makes me want to throw up. Being around her is not healthy for me mentally and perhaps physically or healthy for my marriage, either. I told dh tonight that I don’t want to do this and he seems ok with it. He will call her and tell her. So what’s my problem? Why do I feel so mean for not wanting to take her to her mother’s grave and go on a day trip when I know that it’s not the healthiest thing for us to do right now? Am I wrong?
I know in my heart that spending as little time w/ mil is the best thing for my health – but I still feel guilty for telling her “no” when she calls and wants to see dh and I. And keep in mind this is all one-sided, so there's probably some grians of salt you should take when reading it. We are going through a VERY rough patch in our marriage. Mil has always been a point of contention and it feels like she always shows up whenever we’re having difficulties. Always. When I first met dh she talked to him in a baby voice. It was so bizarre – but she stopped a few years into our marriage. She loves attention and is an extremely selfish person who put the needs of her only child behind hers and those of the married man she had an affair with for over 30 years. We’ll not discuss the illegal drugs she had around dh as a child or the abusive baby sitters he had to deal with either. But there are stories that would make you cry. She needs to be liked or pitied by people and it’s sickening to watch. The first hint at this that I had was in the first months of dh’s and my relationship. We were pg, but not married yet and I watched as she told one of dh’s former friends how dh used her for her money and basically left her penniless because he was so horrific to her and selfish. Everything she said was a lie. Where was dh? Yeah, at WORK, making money for impending baby. I was flabbergasted.
After mc #1, mil was horrid. Every chance she could take to make a dig or make me cry, I was in tears. I finally just started ignoring her and shutting down whenever we were w/ her and doing my own thing. She had always made the comment to dh that he couldn’t have kids before he turned 25, because she was too young to be a grandma until after that. That occurred right around the one year anni of our first mc and all I heard about was her
grandbabies. She stocked up on clothes and toys for them, etc. It was horrific. This was also about the time that she started hinting that we should buy a house together. We have since had 2 more mc’s and no living kiddos. So she’s out of luck, I think. She had some surgery and health issues around 2006 and she’s now on disability. She was told then that she needs to stop smoking or she will die. Since I’ve known her she’s had 2 cancer scares and a host of other health issues. She was diagnosed as manic-depressive about 7 years ago, but flipped out on her meds at the time. Idk what/if she’s on now.We lived next door to mil for the first years of our marriage because of finances and it was hell. She suddenly developed a phobia of being alone in public and that meant we went with her nearly everywhere. Every chance she had she’d get in the way. We finally moved & she refused to talk to dh for weeks when he told her. For many years she had a pattern where if dh went over to see her for a visit, in less than 2 weeks she’d be calling us to come rush her to the ER or meet her there– we lived like 20 minutes away – so it must not have been THAT big of a deal. This went on for many years, until we cut contact with her except for major holidays. Bliss. When we did started seeing her again around 2008 I would get MRSA infections a lot – she’s colonized. It sucked. I finally started using the hibaclens stuff and it’s helped a lot lately. But I’ve still had 2 infections in 2010. I hate it.
Last month she actually had the audacity to talk to dh about how she thought she was the best mother she could have been for him and how he turned out so great. Considering our current situation – that’s debateable. Not saying that dh hasn’t shown some amazing qualities in the past and may yet again, but the situation we are facing right now is because of very poor decisions he made. Although having her pat herself on the back like that was nauseating, I kept my mouth.
For my b-day a few weeks ago dh planned a trip. Mil house/dog sat. She took the time to clean my disgusting dirty house, just ask her. Well sorry, I’ve been stressed and sick a lot. She wanted brownie points for remembering my b-day which she didn’t even know I had until 2008 and only because dh was in the hospital on my bday. She spent my bday morning begging for attention talking about how she’s worked hard not to put dh in between us, she was smoking again (and I think wanted scolded), etc., etc. She also brought up this piece of property she wants us to buy that has 4 houses on it – within like 20 feet of each other. We’ve already told her no. Dh has told her repeatedly that we are not living w/ her ever. She’s not taking the hint. IDespite her having her car at our house we had to drive her home, because she’d ‘hurt’ herself cleaning my nasty dirty house and was on her pain meds and simply couldn’t drive home alone.
Now she wants dh and I to go on a day trip with her. I normally just give in because we see her so little and I don’t want dh to not have a relationship with her because of me. Dh put it up to me and I was going to say ok, but I’m getting body aches again and have a fever and I’m pretty sure I’m getting sick again. And I realized that I’m just done with her. NO. We are not going to drive her stupid butt all over the city and state – she has a car. Dh said he wasn’t even going to call her back. So, my guilt over totally disliking her had just gotten the better of me.So, after all of that – sorry so long. Tell me if I’m wrong about not wanting to jump to this woamn’s every whim. The thought of having to sit in my car w/ her for hours while she talks about herself as we drive up north makes me want to throw up. Being around her is not healthy for me mentally and perhaps physically or healthy for my marriage, either. I told dh tonight that I don’t want to do this and he seems ok with it. He will call her and tell her. So what’s my problem? Why do I feel so mean for not wanting to take her to her mother’s grave and go on a day trip when I know that it’s not the healthiest thing for us to do right now? Am I wrong?
I will be getting it however and think that for the most part I just need to follow dh's lead on this mother - as we tend to only get in trouble when my guilt gets the better of me. I have an excellent relationship with my mother and had never really had to spend time w/ someone like mil before meeting dh. I think alot of what he does for her, he does so out of duty - but I don't think that he really likes it, or her. In fact I have thought in the past that he has a tenuous relationship with all women because of her. He tends to see us as weak, basket-cases he has to coddle alot.
I have just recently gotten in touch w/ my rage about her treatment of dh and our marriage and her drama. Several months ago mil called to talk to me about her dying wishes, because she didn't think dh could handle it. She said something about him not wanting to think about her death, but she knew I wouldn't have those issues. 
He looked at me like I'd grown a second head when I told him the conversation topic, noting that he was a paramedic and he knew people died often. Just more drama from his mama. 
