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[Linda on the move]

Originally Posted by mbhf

sure, but she never said that 8k a month is her bare bones budget, she said she is on a bare bones budget while he is out spending a ridiculous amount of money.

she is asking if we would stay home if our husband was refusing to cut down his spending after drastically cutting down his income.

OP- i have read some of your other threads. it sounds like you (and to a possibly greater extent your dh) are waiting on an inheritance or trust fund to kick in and racking up tons of debt in the wait.

I went back and read some of the other threads. I don't think either of you seem very realistic about money, and I doesn't sound like the two of you are able (at this time) to work as a team.

The problem isn't the number of hours he works. It's way bigger than that.

I really like the Dave Ramesy book on money. You guys could try working through it together.

But if your DH refuses to act in any responsible way about money, divorcing him so he has to write you a check each month and then you can be responsible with that amount of money might provide your children with more security than staying married.

Doing it before your inheritance would be better than later, and doing it soon enough that his high-earning years could be considered when calculating his financial obligation to you and your kids might be in your kids' best interests.

[Mom2GCNJ]

Originally Posted by Sharlla

i dont think its fair to expect someone to work more than 40 hours/week. i definitely think if you arent making on that its time to get a part time job or cut way bck if hes unwilling to work more
Posted via Mobile Device

I'm not much of an advice giver, so I don't have anything to offer in that way. I do, however, want to point out that self-employed individuals routinely work well over 40 hours per week.

After the birth of my first child (I was single) I ran a licensed family daycare from my home. I worked a minimum of 60 hours per week. 80 hours was common and 100 was not unheard of. I was with my daughter all the time, so it was worth it.

My husband is currently self-employed and also has a part-time job where he works 1-3 eight hour shifts per week. As I mentioned in another thread he is literally working from sun up to sun down. (For what it is worth, I also have a small pt paid job). He is completely ok with the hours he works because it is and always has been our priority for one of us to be home with our children.

Also OP you are quite right to point out that you are working well over 40 hours per week.

[*bejeweled*]

Originally Posted by AllyRae

... Part of having the privelage of staying home is making sacrifices...living in an area with a lower cost of living, having a smaller house, and in general spending less. A child's relationship with BOTH parents is important, and so if I wanted to stay at home but we were $4K short a month (which is my DH's take home pay, and we live in a great house, eat an all organic diet, have memberships to various places, and have 3 kids, including 2 with special needs that require weekly therapies, so I can't fathom being bare bones and still needing that much money to break even...), the family would come to a mutual agreement on what to do. For me, it would involve moving to a less expensive area, giving up luxuries, selling things we didn't need, and if that still didn't make ends meet, I personally would be looking for a job where I could work from home or work evenings after my DH came home...

[KatWozBlue]

Personally for a short term "solution" if there is one, open up a separate account linked to your current one, pull out a certain amount each month (put together a true bare bones budget, after cutting cable and cell phone, and cutting coupons, etc) and leave him an "allowance" that he can spend. That's what my dh and I do and it works perfectly, if he spends all his money in one week on some item (which never happens), then its his problem, but it doesn't affect my ability to buy groceries or put gas in my car.

Sounds like the op needs to figure out why there is such a disconnect between her and her dh.

[Sharlla]

Originally Posted by Mom2GCNJ

I'm not much of an advice giver, so I don't have anything to offer in that way. I do, however, want to point out that self-employed individuals routinely work well over 40 hours per week.

After the birth of my first child (I was single) I ran a licensed family daycare from my home. I worked a minimum of 60 hours per week. 80 hours was common and 100 was not unheard of. I was with my daughter all the time, so it was worth it.

My husband is currently self-employed and also has a part-time job where he works 1-3 eight hour shifts per week. As I mentioned in another thread he is literally working from sun up to sun down. (For what it is worth, I also have a small pt paid job). He is completely ok with the hours he works because it is and always has been our priority for one of us to be home with our children.

Also OP you are quite right to point out that you are working well over 40 hours per week.

oh i know some people do it. i have 2 jobs (sleep over nights) and i choose to work the hours i do but i as the wohp would be really upset if dh demanded i work more hours or treated me like i was lazy for working full time
Posted via Mobile Device

[ZoshaMosha]

OP, I think it's OK for you to feel upset about your DH changing the rules mid-game. He has historically been a worker and you guys have pulled in large incomes and have set your lifestyle up accordingly. Now, if he came to you and said, "DW, I really need to work less. I can work x amount of hours a week and bring in x dollars a month. I'm willing to curb my spending habits and change our lifestyle accordingly." But this isn't what he's doing. And he's not willing to even talk about budgeting. You guys need counseling or things could get bad in a hurry.

[TheGirls]

Yeah, I don't see the problem being he refuses to work enough, but there clearly is a problem if he refuses to sit down with you and discuss how to live within the income you do have. That's not ok. I would insist that a money conversation is needed, and NOW. $4000 in the hole is NOT ok. Whether you need to increase income (either by him working or you working) or decrease expenses, it needs to be a family decision. IMO, once you have a family and a partner, you don't just get to decide to quit your job or buy stuff you don't have the money for without consulting your family/partner.

My DP has a good paying job that she hates, and some day she will leave it to do something else, but when she does, it had darn well better be after a family discussion about what will have to change to make things work.

To answer your question, OP, I would not go back to work with a newborn if I had any other options. After the 6-12 months range, I would go back to work if the money (after daycare & travel expenses) would be worth the family sacrifices of not having a SAHP.

[savithny]

I see from your recent posts that you have an inheritance coming.

Is it possible he sees that as a reason he doesn't have to think about money?

If that's the case, you both need to take a hard look at how much you *really* have coming. I bet it sounds like a lot when you put it the way you did in that other post. But you are currently racking up nearly 50K a year in debt. that will be 100K by the time you get access to your inheritance. Just how big is this inheritance? You say it's enough to buy a house and have a 3-6 month emergency fund. I'm sure that sounds great -- but its not REALLY all that much if you continue to dig yourself into a hole as fast as you are right now.

If I were you, I'd be consulting a financial planner/accountant and a lawyer. At the rate he's going, you could wind up with no money left by the time you get access to the money -- it will all be spent on things that you are jointly responsible for. YOu need to extricate yourself from his finances before your nest egg goes to paying off all his debts.

[Katwoman]

Originally Posted by KatWozBlue

Personally for a short term "solution" if there is one, open up a separate account linked to your current one, pull out a certain amount each month (put together a true bare bones budget, after cutting cable and cell phone, and cutting coupons, etc) and leave him an "allowance" that he can spend. That's what my dh and I do and it works perfectly, if he spends all his money in one week on some item (which never happens), then its his problem, but it doesn't affect my ability to buy groceries or put gas in my car

That really only works if both parties are on the same page. When he runs out of his "allowance" he can merely put it on his credit cards. If you truly can't come to an agreement on money, you need to separate. You are going to be responsible for this financial hole that's being dug. Any idea how long it will take to dig out of something like this? What happens if the inheritance doesn't come through? What if it comes through and just covers everything "he's" spent in the last year or two. How are you going to feel about that? Are you going to be irritated by the lack of future you and your kids have because of current behavior?

[Theoretica]

Making a decision as a family to be single income isn't an easy thing to adjust to. Most of the single income families I know (mine included) make WELL under 50K/year. In fact, the majority are probably in the 30-35K range (still us). My DH runs his own business, and I run the business end of it because I'm more financially oriented. He's been on his own since fall of last year and it's BARELY paying the bills but slowly moving in the right direction. With his unemployment span last year and then the business start up, it's been a long road to getting where we need to be.

Your only choices are to increase income or decrease expenses, or some combination of the two. It sounds like the area you have the most control over the situation is to decrease expenses, and leave the increasing income (or not) up to him.

Being 4K over budget each MONTH is mind boggling to me. SOMETHING has to have room to give here. Make it your mission in life to find it and eliminate those expenses ASAP!

Best of luck!

[That Is Nice]

Originally Posted by AllyRae

There is no "to what extent" for me. If my family was $4K in the hole each and every month (almost $50K short a YEAR), there would be no way on this earth I would be staying at home. $4K a month TAKE HOME (post tax) would require another full time salary of around $70K a year because taxes will take out a lot of it before it ever hits your bank account. That is not possible with most part time jobs.

Gosh. I wasn't going to post in this thread, but I guess I have to agree with AllyRae above.

Seriously, if we were $4k in the hole each month, I would work. Was the $4k a typo?

I just can't imagine being that much in the hole unless there is zero income and someone has been laid off or died.

I know you are in the Bay area, and it's expensive, and moving to a lower COL city isn't alway possible and usually never easy.

I would cut back, majorly.

Is it really $4k you are short each month?

What is the budget? What elective things can you cut?

We're more in the $400 short range (a little more, actually) and I work and have for the past couple of years. It's hard. It's not my dream at all, and it's not really that good for our family and for our child, but I don't want to go into debt or have debts that hamper what we can do for our child. My H works a lot of hours too (not paid overtime) and goofs off a whole lot and is generally not really helping balance my career and child responsibilities. It's tough. I barely make it through each day and I'm tired, but it seems better than having creditors call or not knowing how we would ever pay off debt.

I would recommend cutting back on all elective expenses to the fullest extent possible.

I've made some major cut backs myself in the past year. A little (or a lot) goes a long way. Good luck!