I keep drifting between anger and despair. I don't know how I am suppose to go on like this isn't happening.
Out of all of my surrogacies, this one has meant the most to me. This one just flowed, I had this huge love for my intended father. I thought he did for me too, we talked everyday since we met. We made plans for the future, to always be close and to stay friends. This was his idea from the beginning.
Now the babies are born, and its literally "up yours" from him and his partner. No shiney happy face hugs, no thank yous, no nothing, just silence and a quick note saying they don't want to pay my compensation or dr bills that are owed.
I feel robbed, not only of the money, but of my ending. This has gone so perfectly so lovingly and so gently from the beginning to have it all crash down on me now.
I feel robbed for my children, who were so excited and happy to help "uncle m" have his family. Who thought of themselves like little helpers in all of this. To just be cut off, without a goodbye, where is their happy every after in this, how do I tell them they were used that I was used, that I allowed our family to be used. I don't know. This is the part of it all that is killing me inside. I did this to us. I opened us up for this. If I could take it all back I would. It just hurts so badly to know that the love we put out in mounds and mounds was just taken and they pretended to give it back.
The thought that after every laugh we shared and every conversation and every loving word between us, there was this dark intention to cut off comp and communication.
If in the beginning M said "we don't really want contact afterwards" I would have been fine with that. Really I would have, but he made several.. no DOZENS of mentions that he wanted to continue our friendship afterwards.
He made plans with us, with my kids, he made promises to me and my family, that we will never see through.
I just don't know how to say.. "well they changed their minds" to these little children who have always supported me in this.
I can't cope. I can't smile through this one, I can't stop crying, I can't eat or sleep. I just want to give up. I don't have a choice anymore. I did this to us, and I know I have to put on my big girl pants and buck up, but it just hurts.
Out of all of my surrogacies, this one has meant the most to me. This one just flowed, I had this huge love for my intended father. I thought he did for me too, we talked everyday since we met. We made plans for the future, to always be close and to stay friends. This was his idea from the beginning.
Now the babies are born, and its literally "up yours" from him and his partner. No shiney happy face hugs, no thank yous, no nothing, just silence and a quick note saying they don't want to pay my compensation or dr bills that are owed.
I feel robbed, not only of the money, but of my ending. This has gone so perfectly so lovingly and so gently from the beginning to have it all crash down on me now.
I feel robbed for my children, who were so excited and happy to help "uncle m" have his family. Who thought of themselves like little helpers in all of this. To just be cut off, without a goodbye, where is their happy every after in this, how do I tell them they were used that I was used, that I allowed our family to be used. I don't know. This is the part of it all that is killing me inside. I did this to us. I opened us up for this. If I could take it all back I would. It just hurts so badly to know that the love we put out in mounds and mounds was just taken and they pretended to give it back.
The thought that after every laugh we shared and every conversation and every loving word between us, there was this dark intention to cut off comp and communication.
If in the beginning M said "we don't really want contact afterwards" I would have been fine with that. Really I would have, but he made several.. no DOZENS of mentions that he wanted to continue our friendship afterwards.
He made plans with us, with my kids, he made promises to me and my family, that we will never see through.
I just don't know how to say.. "well they changed their minds" to these little children who have always supported me in this.
I can't cope. I can't smile through this one, I can't stop crying, I can't eat or sleep. I just want to give up. I don't have a choice anymore. I did this to us, and I know I have to put on my big girl pants and buck up, but it just hurts.
Big hugs to you and your kids as you process this. I wish I knew what else to say. 
