"deadbeat" parents

[2xy]

My boys' dad and I have been divorced for several years. He was never an involved father, which I don't get because his dad always did stuff with him and his sister. He also spent every summer at his aunt and uncle's home in another state (when he was old enough), and they were also very involved parents. I think my ex is just selfish and can't be bothered, really.

He only lived near us for a short time after the divorce, because he's in the service. He deployed, then was stationed overseas, but has been back in the states for a little over a year. He brought the boys to visit him twice, for two months at each visit (winter of '07-'08, and autumn of '09). In between, there's basically no contact. He doesn't call, email, or acknowledge birthdays or Xmas. His family has always been HUGE on Xmas, so this sort of shocks me. This complete lack of involvement has been going on for about three years.

People tell me, "At least he sends money." Yes, he does. But it would be very hard to skip out of paying child support as a military member, so I wonder sometimes if he would just bail on that obligation if it were possible.

I still think of him as a deadbeat dad, because all he is lately is a paycheck. I don't say so to my kids, of course. But I get tired of hearing people say that I should be so grateful for monetary support. Why should I be grateful for something he HAS to do, and SHOULD do?

[waiting2bemommy]

I see both sides to it. As someone who was married first, then got pregnant, and STILL ended up a completely solo parent from very early on (like the 1st trimester of pregnancy) I admit that I do feel a pang of envy when I hear people talk about their kids' deadbeat dads who send money. that doesn't make him less of a deadbeat, emotionally and morally, but the $$ still helps. My ex refused to pay child support and the legal conundrum required to force him to would have opened a pandora's box I wasn't willing to risk, so I have raised my son since birth without financial support. My ex is a despicable human being and there is nothing I'd love more than to get money from him with no risk of him contacting my ds. So I do get where some people might be coming from when they say "at least he pays."

But just because my ex is MORE of a deadbeat than yours doesn't mean you should be grateful. You are absolutely right that both financial AND emotional support are part of being a father. Some men do both, some do just one and not the other, and some do nothing at all. You are absolutely right to have the expectation that he financially support his kids. being grateful would be "oh we were late on the house payment so he paid the whole thing for me." providing for the feeding, clothing and educating of his offspringshould not engender gratitude. trhat's what he's supposed to do, and if he were more of a man he would be helping to raise them as well.

[LavenderMae]

People's standards are awfully low if they think a parent doing the absolute bare minimum is something to be grateful for.

[Marsupialmom]

I would not call him a deadbeat parent because those terms are associated with people not paying child support.

Your ex has emotionally detached himself from the kids. It could be issues with PTSD (if he has been in war). It could be he has disengage to protect himself. Sometimes the lack of involvement from the parent is they fill that the children are better off.

[limabean]

That must be annoying, OP. It's like when new fathers are practically given a medal for changing a diaper. I probably wouldn't be able to help saying something like, "Fulfilling a basic legal obligation isn't enough to garner my gratitude."

[LauraLoo]

People are doing what they think will make you feel better -- at least your ex is paying his support -- and that's what they want to focus on. If people haven't been through what you're going through, they really can't be truly empathetic. At most, they can be sympathetic.

Your boys are well beyond the age to recognize that their father is absent. I'm sure it's very tough for them.

[Oriole]

DSD's mom doesn't pay. She picks up dsd for a couple hours a month if that, and usually asks us to drive dsd at least one way. I would have been grateful if she paid even a little bit. Sure would help.

[Super~Single~Mama]

Well, I would much rather be in your position than mine. I'm supporting my DS on student loans and family support right now. His dad is involved, but so far, aside from giving me a few outfits every season - he provides zero financial support. None. I pay for daycare (thank god its cheap b/c its through school - otherwise I wouldn't be in school anymore, and daycare would astronomical anyway), I pay for groceries, I pay rent. I don't have luxuries - no internet, no cable, no tv, heck, we didn't even have a microwave until my dad bought me one and said he'd pay the increase in electric! We even sleep in the living room so that we can be where the AC is and not have to pay even more in electric to keep the bedroom cool enough.

It's hard not getting financial support. Especially since DS's dad has everything he needs and more. He just doesn't feel the need to financially support his child. Hopefully the court will straighten him out on that one.

[MaerynPearl]

Id rather get financial support than what I get too... no contact, no financial support AND he is unwilling to just give up the kids to DH.

He contacts them just often enough to stay under "abandonment" by court definition.

[2xy]

Don't get me wrong, ladies. I never said I was unhappy about getting financial support. I'm saying that I find it odd that many people I've talked to seem to blow off the fact that he has barely any contact with his children. They act like it's no big deal because "at least he pays."

Is this what our society finds acceptable? How sad.

[2xy]

Originally Posted by MaerynPearl

Id rather get financial support than what I get too... no contact, no financial support AND he is unwilling to just give up the kids to DH.

He contacts them just often enough to stay under "abandonment" by court definition.

My ex is not DS1's biological father. He adopted DS1 at the age of four. He's known the child since he was a year old. When we terminated DS1's bio-dad's rights, it was in North Carolina, on grounds of abandonment.

However, abandonment is not the only grounds for terminating rights in NC. The statute reads that rights can be terminated when "One parent has been awarded custody of the juvenile by judicial decree or has custody by agreement of the parents, and the other parent whose parental rights are sought to be terminated has for a period of one year or more next preceding the filing of the petition or motion willfully failed without justification to pay for the care, support, and education of the juvenile, as required by said decree or custody agreement."

On a side note, it's really sad that DS1 has basically been kicked to the curb by both his biological father and his adoptive father.

[2xy]

double-post

[MaerynPearl]

Originally Posted by 2xy

My ex is not DS1's biological father. He adopted DS1 at the age of four. He's known the child since he was a year old. When we terminated DS1's bio-dad's rights, it was in North Carolina, on grounds of abandonment.

However, abandonment is not the only grounds for terminating rights in NC. The statute reads that rights can be terminated when "One parent has been awarded custody of the juvenile by judicial decree or has custody by agreement of the parents, and the other parent whose parental rights are sought to be terminated has for a period of one year or more next preceding the filing of the petition or motion willfully failed without justification to pay for the care, support, and education of the juvenile, as required by said decree or custody agreement."

On a side note, it's really sad that DS1 has basically been kicked to the curb by both his biological father and his adoptive father.

The rules under which I was having to operate were from Illinois, where our divorce was done (and where both children were born and we were married)... I just moved to NC less than a week ago.

And yes, it is really sad

[2xy]

Originally Posted by MaerynPearl

The rules under which I was having to operate were from Illinois, where our divorce was done (and where both children were born and we were married)... I just moved to NC less than a week ago.

And yes, it is really sad

Last I looked, the domicile of the child is the law which you operate under. I am not from North Carolina. The child's bio-father and I were married and divorced in Hawaii. I was still a Hawaii resident, but in the military stationed in NC. His bio-father was living in Wisconsin.

I understand that you just moved, but it's something to keep in mind for the future. North Carolina law (unless it's changed) was that no contact and no support for six months = abandonment.

[TiredX2]

Moved to Single Parenting

I realize that having emotionally available parents is not an exclusively Single Parenting issue, but it seems like the OP's post and the responses are considering it in light of a Seperated Parent issue.

[*MamaJen*]

Originally Posted by 2xy

On a side note, it's really sad that DS1 has basically been kicked to the curb by both his biological father and his adoptive father.

Yeah, that happened to my DS's dad when he was a kid/teen. First his bio dad then his adoptive dad abandoned the family. Even though neither one of them was ever dad of the year by any stretch, I know it really hurt him to be abandoned twice. I think that's one reason why he is so dedicated to his own son.

[Super~Single~Mama]

Originally Posted by 2xy

Don't get me wrong, ladies. I never said I was unhappy about getting financial support. I'm saying that I find it odd that many people I've talked to seem to blow off the fact that he has barely any contact with his children. They act like it's no big deal because "at least he pays."

Is this what our society finds acceptable? How sad.

Yeah, and I get, "At least he wants to be part of his life." Like thats the only thing that matters, and I can afford (as a student) to pay for childcare, rent, groceries, etc all on my own.

ETA - I do want DS to have a relationship with his dad, I just wish his dad cared about whether or not he had food on his plate at every meal.

[mommiluv]

I for one understand where the OP is coming from. Money does not raise a child and teach them values. The financial help does lighten the load but at the end of the day I would much rather my children have a relationship with their father than receive a check in the mail once a month.

[StephandOwen]

Let us all remember that we ALL have struggles as single parents and, while they aren't the exact same for everyone, they are there for each of us to deal with. Nobody wants to be told "my situation is so much worse than yours" when looking for support.

Originally Posted by Marsupialmom

I would not call him a deadbeat parent because those terms are associated with people not paying child support.

See, I would. Just because a man is paying child support (and, likely, from the sounds of it, he doesn't have much choice in the matter) doesn't mean he isn't a deadbeat. My ex pays child support (taken right out of his paycheck before he gets it). He's still a deadbeat. He barely sees ds (hasn't had an unsupervised visit in 4 1/2 years). He doesn't call to talk to him (never has). He doesn't call/text/email to ask how he's doing. He doesn't give a d*mn about my son. I would give up the money in a heartbeat if it meant he was a (GOOD) part of my son's life. But, alas, he isn't and likely never will be. But he's still a deadbeat and likely always will be I would also give up the money in a heartbeat if it meant he disappeared forever (signed over his parental rights and let dp adopt ds), but that's neither here nor there.

[LoveOhm]

Let's take the term "deadbeat dad" off the table ~ I'm not saying your ex is or is not a deadbeat but labeling someone doesn't change your reality....

It's IMHO more productive to try and ponder the heart of the matter..... which mean taking a good look at what is truly bothering you.

Is it the father's lack of involvement?
Is it society's view of NCPs and it being socially acceptable to just "pay" child support and not be involved?
Is it that you desire a break from the work of parenting and don't understand how the NCP can not desire to do some of the "work" of parenting?
Is it something else?

The sooner you can accept what is truly eating at you the more power you yourself will gain. Once you can identify what the "issue" is the sooner you can address that issue and figure out what YOU can do to change that in YOUR life.

We each have a GREAT deal of power and we can make changes in our OWN lives to make our situations better for us and our child(ren). Taking a good look at the issues and what we can do to change those items (without the NCP) is incredibly empowering.