"deadbeat" parents - Page 2

[confustication]

Well, my ex never sends support- and the military won't take it even though it is court ordered.

He has not seen his daughter since she was three. She will be nine in November.

He has never spoken with her on the phone.

She has never had a birthday gift, card, or email from him.

He is on my facebook- where I often post current pictures of her, and he popped on for a moment last night to ask....

"How is the cat doing?" (I have a cat that we got when we were together umpteen years ago.)

Not a word about his daughter. He then sent along a message about how well he is doing, that he's found a girl he plans to marry and is buying a new place for them, and in a few years, they'll think about having kids, but he's not sure he's 'ready' to be a parent.

Would anyone like to define deadbeat, and yes- that is absolutely, totally, and completely appropriate, and yes, it is a source of my anger, and my outrage at a society in which this is even tacitly ok.

[StephandOwen]

Dude.... de-friend him. Like, yesterday. Why would you even want to associate with someone like that?

I have found my ex and his new wife on facebook (his sister and his grandparents are friends of mine on there so it popped up as a friend suggestion one day). I didn't friend him, won't friend him, and will probably refuse him as a friend if he tries to friend me (same with his new wife). He has my phone number. He has my email addy. If he wanted to contact me, he could. (And actually his new wife has emailed me more over the last year than he has in.... oh... the 9 years we've known each other).

You don't need that drama in your life.

[bluebirdiemama]

OPer-- I agree with you. While it's good to have the money, what does it really say about him? I know some one who pays an aweful lot in child support, more than I think he should, and I think that's a great thing, and says a lot about him, that he does it and happily to boot. But he is also involved with his kids, as much as he can be.

When it's pretty much just, money being taken out of his check, and nothing else... I don't think there is anything so great about it.
And I might call him a deadbeat dad, because if he doesn't have anything to do with his kids, he's not really being a dad.

[confustication]

Originally Posted by StephandOwen

Dude.... de-friend him. Like, yesterday. Why would you even want to associate with someone like that?

I have found my ex and his new wife on facebook (his sister and his grandparents are friends of mine on there so it popped up as a friend suggestion one day). I didn't friend him, won't friend him, and will probably refuse him as a friend if he tries to friend me (same with his new wife). He has my phone number. He has my email addy. If he wanted to contact me, he could. (And actually his new wife has emailed me more over the last year than he has in.... oh... the 9 years we've known each other).

You don't need that drama in your life.

Seriously, I go back and forth with doing that, but for the most part, I leave him 'friended' simply to avoid the drama of defriending him. It's also handy to take screenshots of his phycho scary pictures so that if he ever tried for unsuprvised visitation I could demand that it be supervised ad not at his house (think pictures of guns, venomous snakes, and so on.)


Honestly, I hate that our society isn't one that routinely holds these men accountable, but I thoroughly appreciate the fact that sometimes their children are better off without them in their lives on a regular basis. Sure, it would be better if they chose to be responsible adults, but that's not going to happen, so I'd rather the irresponsible guys weren't influencing their children to mirror their behaviors.

[2xy]

Originally Posted by LoveOhm

Let's take the term "deadbeat dad" off the table ~ I'm not saying your ex is or is not a deadbeat but labeling someone doesn't change your reality....

It's IMHO more productive to try and ponder the heart of the matter..... which mean taking a good look at what is truly bothering you.

Is it the father's lack of involvement?
Is it society's view of NCPs and it being socially acceptable to just "pay" child support and not be involved?
Is it that you desire a break from the work of parenting and don't understand how the NCP can not desire to do some of the "work" of parenting?
Is it something else?

The sooner you can accept what is truly eating at you the more power you yourself will gain. Once you can identify what the "issue" is the sooner you can address that issue and figure out what YOU can do to change that in YOUR life.

We each have a GREAT deal of power and we can make changes in our OWN lives to make our situations better for us and our child(ren). Taking a good look at the issues and what we can do to change those items (without the NCP) is incredibly empowering.

You know, I found this post to be a bit condescending although you probably don't mean it that way.

This thread was moved to single parenting, but I'm not a single parent. My kids have a great step-dad. He does stuff with them, they have great conversations, and he chips in more than his fair share, financially. My boys have good lives, and so do I. I don't need a break from parenting, because I have help in parenting. And my boys are 18 and almost 15. They aren't babies and don't need chasing around.

I just find it mind-boggling that someone could leave his family for a new woman/child combo, and then ignore his own kids, to boot. I can sort of understand not wanting to be involved with a kid if there was an accidental pregnancy, or no commitment between the parents....that sort of thing. I'm not saying it's OKAY or any easier, but I can at least comprehend not having any sense of attachment to the child. How do you adopt one kid and father another, see them daily until they are 12 and 9 years old, and then just scamper off and forget them? And be oblivious to the hurt it causes?