2 1/2 year old DD won't let herself pee in potty -- help!

[indigosky]

DD is very interested in using the potty, being a big girl, learning how to do it, etc, and has been for a long time. She first started expressing interest in peeing on a potty around 1 1/2, so we got her potties and she's always liked to sit on them. The challenge I'm writing about today was exactly the same then. A year ago, I thought, whatever, give her time. Now that it's a year later and nothing has changed, I thought I'd see if anyone here has any ideas.

Basically, she'll sit on the potty happily, but she won't pee in it. She holds it in for a long time, even using her hand to help herself do so. Then she'll stand up and pee right away, and then cry, very upset that she peed on the floor and on herself.

I don't make a big deal -- I tell her no big deal, everything's fine, and we dry her off and wipe up the floor. But I've now seen this happen dozens and dozens of times. If I see her holding herself while standing up and know she needs to pee, I'll have her sit on the potty. Literally, we can read books on the potty for 45 minutes when I KNOW she has to pee. Then she'll finally pee as soon as she gets up.

I've tried encouraging her to let the pee come out while she's on the potty. We've talked about how it feels different, maybe it tickles, but it's OK. And how it will feel good to pee in the potty. I think she would be truly pleased and proud to master this, but she doesn't like the sensation of letting go.

I was planning to let her spend tons of time with no diaper this summer to master this potty thing, but Day One (today) is leaving me pretty depressed -- she peed constantly all over the kitchen and her room, and wails with tears, then needs to be consoled, then we repeat the process. It was a very stressful day for both of us. And yet she wants to be a big girl!

Any ideas? Should I give up for now and leave her in diapers for a few more months? Our house is freezing cold in the winter, so it's very hard to run around without bottoms then. And we have no yard so she can't do this outside (though I don't think it would make any difference).

[Snapdragon]

can you find a place where it is okay for her to pee standing up- such as the shower? (not with the shower on obviously but as a place to go pee!) Maybe then she can learn the idea of letting the pee out at will while not having to handle the potty thing. Then once she has got that step maybe later you could bring the potty back?

[indigosky]

Hmm, interesting. I mean, she's pretty good at peeing standing up -- she definitely knows how to do that. It's true that peeing in the shower would make it "OK" to pee standing up -- although I'm not sure how that would help her transfer the skill to being able to pee while sitting on the potty?

We do own two different potties plus one of those things that goes over the toilet seat, in part because I had the theory that she found the original potty uncomfortable to sit on.

[ssh]

It doesn't sound like she's ready, especially since she obviously wants to and gets upset after accidents. Kids are ready at different ages. My older DD started using a potty a couple of weeks before turning two. My 4.5 year old, younger DD, started using the toilet when she was 3.5. Neither of them had problems with accidents. They were ready at different ages.

[Sierra]

Oh, it is so hard to see them ready in so many ways, but be held back by this thing or that thing. I remember that with mine. What you describe is a pretty common scenario in the pre-readiness phase.

I remember posting something about our potty adventures when dd was about the same age, and everyone was like, "she's not ready," but she seemed so ready in so many ways that it was just depressing. I was ready...that's for sure LOL.

ds and dd both learned around their third birthdays. We started them much like you started with your dd (having potties around the house from as soon as they seemed interested, which was at a very young age, etc.). ds didn't like being messy, so we had the advantage of a good level of awareness of what was going on in his body. He had developmental delays, but when he started peeing on the potty in his second year, we thought we had it in the bag. And then one day it just stopped. No peeing on the potty. A lot of potty sitting, and then getting up and peeing. Bleh. I even had this twinge of "I ginxed him" because when he had started peeing on the potty, I had gone and told everyone he was almost there. It was such a bummer. For him, the skill came back as quickly as it disappeared. At some point shortly after he turned three, he just started going in the potty again. And then one day (maybe around 3.5) he was done with diapers, and that was that.

dd was different. She had little body awareness and was perfectly comfortable sitting in dirty diapers. She'd go and not realize it, and when she did finally realize it, she felt no urgency about getting changed. But something shifted as her third birthday got close. I had been letting her run around without bottoms in hopes that this would help her learn. I thought by not wearing a diaper, she'd be more likely to realize when she'd gone pee or poop. And she did start to notice, as well as to hold in her pee and poop until I put a diaper back on her. I observed closely to make sure it had become a pattern. Without fail, she'd go all day without peeing or pooping if I left her diaper off. As soon as the diaper was back on for bed, out it would all come. That was the sign I needed. I could tell she had the body control, and it was a matter of choice/preference for her. So with her, I had a frank conversation with her in which I told her that once she was three, diapers weren't an option. I told her holding in her pee and poop wasn't good for her body. And I told her I was packing away the diapers after her birthday because I didn't want to change them anymore, and I knew she knew how to go pee and poop when she wanted to go. Without any fanfare, on her third birthday, I packed up the diapers and told her it was time to begin using the potty. And that was that. She has used it ever since, with some occassional setbacks (she is now four and recently went through a stage in which she kept "forgetting" to go to the bathroom...fortunately it seems to have subsided after a month or so of me cleaning dirty pants a few times a day...I think it had to do with an insecurity and not wanting to go to the bathroom alone).