OCD Mamas: Come in and Commiserate! - Page 3

[ReadingMama]

Originally Posted by Attached2Elijah

Sometimes I worry that it wasn't fair for us to have children with as many mental disorders we have between us...

Awww. You know, being a parent with mental disorders makes you able to understand any disorders your kids might develop. You walked the path first, so you will be able to offer awareness and help based on your experiences. Lots of kids are raised in families with undiagnosed and untreated mental issues. They are just as likely to develop mental illnesses as your kids, but their parents are less likely than you are to recognize them and proactively treat them. Every family has some kind of issue--this just happens to be yours.

[Debobu]

Hi Everyone,

Very happy to have found the thread but I am having a really hard time. Sorry this is long but I really need some help right now

I am a bit of a mess now and feeling so lonely, stuck and scared!!!
I have had OCD most of my life-took meds in my 20's but haven't taken them for about 14 yrs of so.
My main issue is hypochondria-fear of illnesses/dying and catastrophes happening to me or my loved ones. I basically get worried about my son having an illness and then compulsively watch to see what "symptoms" he has-sometimes I get so anxious and worked up I cannot tell what's real anymore and every little thing he does(breath or walk funny, for example) seems like the proof that he has the dreaded disease. It feels morbid and sick -and of course terrifying.
Since my DS was born 21 months ago, I have been worried about him and his health. I am doing CBT although I don't love my therapist (I feel she does not understand me-she is not a mom and doesn't get co-sleeping, nursing etc...) so I constantly feel unsupported and having to defend my position.
I have been ok on and off but I am hitting bottom since my DS has been sick a lot lately-first a cold, then bad croup(with a trip to ER), then upper respiratory bug and now Cocsakie(and another trip to ER before we knew what he had and he had a 104.5 fever-all this in 6 weeks!!!and so for someone like me-who worries about him and diseases this tipped me over the edge. It also doesn't help that I haven't slept more that a couple hrs at a time for 21 months and that I don't have one minute to myself (I don't have any help during the week at all) so I am emotionally and physically exhausted. My periods are a mess, just turned 40 last month so A LOT going on.
My husband is a wonderful man but he's had enough with my OCD and I am feeling terribly alone and scared-

I feel like my life is falling apart and not sure how to proceed. I haven;t been this bad for a while and feel I am hurting my family. I feel like I have to make soem hard decisions but none of them feel right.
I haven't wanted to take meds because it really scares me to pass it on to him while nursing but I don't want to wean him-He and I are not ready!
To top it all off We were planning on trying to get pregnant since I am 40 and don't have much time left and it was really hard to conceive in the first place...It really feels like I have to give up everything that's really important to me right now and I am feeling pretty sad and confused.
Anybody have any natural treatment/herbs, etc to recommend? Anything that worked for you?

Sorry ladies to be such a downer-Thanks again for listening!

[Turquesa]

Debbie, are you in a position where you can therapist-shop, or are you bound and gagged by limitations like insurance or lack of choices? Also, a support group may give you the validation that you're clearly not getting at home.

ETA: My therapist is the bomb, and CBT has helped immensely. Ongoing therapy will be particularly important for you since you're TTC, as pregnancy and the post-partum period can be such a vulnerable time. I had more thoughts on this issue, but I need to put my LOs to bed.

[Debobu]

Thanks Turquesa!
Yes, I am looking for someone else who I feel more comfortable with-I imagine that chemistry between patient therapist is important- I feel we are philosophically soooooo different and the truth is I don't think I like her much as a person so I don't trust her.
I live in a big city so I think it won't be too hard to find someone I like better.
I pay out of pocket and then get reinbursed so luckily I have more choices. I would love to find someone who takes my insurance but with CBT is virtually impossible!

Thanks again!

[Annie Mac]

I am not sure why I feel the need to be 100% honest at times. Last night, I went to a dinner at this woman's house. I don't know her very well. Every dish she made had something I couldn't eat in it. Well, it's not that I can't eat it. I'm not actually allergic to anything (I've been tested) but I *worry* that I am. I have certain trigger foods -- mostly things that other people are allergic to. If I eat them, I freak out. Quietly, in my head. It's really not fun & I wish I didn't, but there you go. When I said I couldn't eat the food, she apologized and tried to feed me something else and so, trying to make her feel better, I explained that I was actually just frightened of eating the food. Not really allergic. Not her fault at all. The panic attack that would inevitably ensue just wasn't worth eating for. I'm not sure she really understood. Later, just to cement my Crazy Lady status, I happened to mention that the baby sleeps in the bed with us. Oh my. That went over like a ton of bricks. Sometimes it's just easier to lie.

[ReadingMama]

Originally Posted by Annie Mac

I am not sure why I feel the need to be 100% honest at times.....Sometimes it's just easier to lie.

Yeah, Howie Mandel has to deal with the consequence of his openness all the time. He has made it clear that he does not want to be touched. That he's serious about it. That he has to spend hours decontaminating. And people still think it's just so funny and cute to come up to him and hug him.

Perhaps you could say that your belly is acting up, or that you have heartburn to get through uncomfortable social situations. Or even that your TMJ is bothering you, but that you are so happy to be there for the company.

[Annie Mac]

Originally Posted by ReadingMama

Yeah, Howie Mandel has to deal with the consequence of his openness all the time. He has made it clear that he does not want to be touched. That he's serious about it. That he has to spend hours decontaminating. And people still think it's just so funny and cute to come up to him and hug him.

Perhaps you could say that your belly is acting up, or that you have heartburn to get through uncomfortable social situations. Or even that your TMJ is bothering you, but that you are so happy to be there for the company.

I find that this is a double edged sword. For a long time, I just made up excuses like this. Now though, for some reason, I feel the lie kind of burdens me somehow. Makes it worse. My decision to be honest has brought about some good on occasion. Twice, recently, I have had someone come up to me and talk about their OCD/panic stuff after I have admitted to mine. Not a big long conversation, but just an acknowledgement that they too go through something similar. I guess you learn about people when you open yourself up like that.

[neetling]

Originally Posted by mom0810

I'm right here with you. My therapist posted something for me a while back and it was an article about how many many mothers have OCD that is somehow induced by pregnancy. Or if they already had OCD before pregnancy, it gets worse after. It was very interesting. For me, it got worse after ds1 was born, and MUCH worse after ds2. I did take meds for 2 years or more, and now I am considering them again after being off them for a year.

I am here to offer support, to say "I've been there, I am here," and just to learn how others are dealing with it.

For me, I'm dealing with it with therapy, vitamins, fish oil, and a very supportive husband.

I'm late to this party, but this was so true for me. I took meds for my OCD in high school and haven't needed them since. (Though I do accept that there are things I will always have to do, it was no longer hugely affecting my life)

It all came back in a huge way when I got pregnant with our oldest. I got pregnant again when DD1 was 7 months old, so I never got to cycle out of it. Our 3rd child is now 3 and I am getting back to a normal (for me) state again.

I triggered hard for germs when our first child was born. Having clean hands is something I'll never get rid of (and frankly I think that's okay)

My kids can get sick and I won't panic now, unless it's something truly worth panicking over.

My MIL coughed in DD2's face when she was a week old. The OCD and postpartum hormones were rampant. My husband almost had to restrain me while I clenched my teeth and had to tell her NOT to cough on the newborn. (seriously though, no one should have to be told that)

[ReadingMama]

Originally Posted by Annie Mac

I find that this is a double edged sword. For a long time, I just made up excuses like this. Now though, for some reason, I feel the lie kind of burdens me somehow. Makes it worse. My decision to be honest has brought about some good on occasion. Twice, recently, I have had someone come up to me and talk about their OCD/panic stuff after I have admitted to mine. Not a big long conversation, but just an acknowledgement that they too go through something similar. I guess you learn about people when you open yourself up like that.

Well if it's working for you, there's no reason to do anything different. I'm honest about my OCD stuff too. I try to have a sense of humor about my OCD and that sets the tone for how others around me see it. But not every situation requires a medical history. Meeting new people, for example. I don't want OCD stuff to be the first thing people know about me. I'd rather they know and like me first and THEN know about my quirks.

[mom0810]

Annie Mac, I am SO with you on the food thing. I don't know what it is, but since having children, I have convinced myself that I am allergic to many foods, medicines, etc. OCD does get worse after pregnancy for many, and I guess this is what I am going through. It's awful. No more eating at family parties, no more eating out with friends, and I'm always on edge at the grocery store or during meal times, even at home with food that *I* bought and *I* prepared. I have a short list of "safe" foods, but they are processed and not very good for me, which means I have gained a LOT of weight in the last few years. It's awful.

I've been tested, too, but still will not eat anything that has peanuts or was made in a facility with peanuts. I had a reaction while pregnant but apparently whatever caused that reaction (hormones?) has passed. I also am afraid of taking antibiotics and pain killers, which is not very fun when I get a migraine EVERY week.

It's awful, the tricks your brain can play on you and the lies your brain can tell you. I hate it.

I'm back to debating whether or not to take meds, but I am afraid of medication so there you go. I'm stuck. And isn't that the definition of having OCD? Stuck.

[Annie Mac]

Mom0810: Oh, the self-imposed allergies. And it does get more complicated when you have had a reaction to something in the past. I definitely (for real) have chemical sensitivities, and I for real have hay fever (they only thing I tested positive for on my allergy screening was grass), but it's hard to convince myself that anaphylaxis and death is not the ONLY (or even the most likely) allergic type of reaction. I wish I never knew about anaphylaxis, because for a while (during my teen years) I was reassured by the fact that others could eat whatever was in question and survive. Now that piece of sanity is wiped out. It's funny about the pregnancy: during my pregnancy I was scarfing down peanut butter toast like no tomorrow, but now I'm back to being scared of it. And I really LIKE peanut butter. On the other hand, there were some things in my pregnancy that I would normally deem safe that my body didn't like with a baby inside. Like honey. Couldn't eat it. Would make me vomit within minutes. Now? It's on the scary food list & I don't know how to get it off. Same with flax and sunflower seeds.

However, it's nice to know there are a few other people out there with the same crazy relationship with food. And life

HOw much of it is about control, I wonder? Because I do not like the feeling of being out of control. Of anything. I do not do well with uncertainty. My husband thinks the OCD is kind of like an eating disorder in this way. That the only thing I can actually control is what I put into my body, so I do it to the nines to make up for all I can not control.

[Turquesa]

Originally Posted by Annie Mac

HOw much of it is about control, I wonder? Because I do not like the feeling of being out of control. Of anything. I do not do well with uncertainty. My husband thinks the OCD is kind of like an eating disorder in this way. That the only thing I can actually control is what I put into my body, so I do it to the nines to make up for all I can not control.

Ah, that's the whole paradox! The more we can recognize how OUT of control we are, the more genuinely in control we feel. I can preach those wise words, but believe me, I struggle to live them.

Yes, control plays a HUGE role in our condition. We commonly have difficulty discerning what we can control from what we can't control. I'll have some more examples when I'm less tired and more lucid. It's been a loooooong day....

[MichaelsSahm]

I am a hypochondriac big time ever since my Mom became terribily ill with Colon Cancer 3 years ago! She is better now!
I have been so scared of diseases and dying. I had a horrible tooth infection once that made my face swell up on one side, I was scared I was dying.
When I get a cold with a fever, I am scared I am dying!
When my son had Pneumonia, I thought he was dying!
When I get a tummy ache, I think its Colon Cancer!
When I get a headache, I think its brain cancer. Etc etc etc!

I google symptoms, and this makes it worse. Its like a merry go round!

[Annie Mac]

Originally Posted by MichaelsSahm

I am a hypochondriac big time ever since my Mom became terribily ill with Colon Cancer 3 years ago! She is better now!
I have been so scared of diseases and dying. I had a horrible tooth infection once that made my face swell up on one side, I was scared I was dying.
When I get a cold with a fever, I am scared I am dying!
When my son had Pneumonia, I thought he was dying!
When I get a tummy ache, I think its Colon Cancer!
When I get a headache, I think its brain cancer. Etc etc etc!

I google symptoms, and this makes it worse. Its like a merry go round!

Google is NOT your friend In cases like ours, ignorance is truly bliss. Or, if not bliss, at least a little easier. I've even stopped watching medical dramas because they give me too many crazy ideas.

I am glad your mom got better. How scary!

[MichaelsSahm]

Originally Posted by Annie Mac

Google is NOT your friend In cases like ours, ignorance is truly bliss. Or, if not bliss, at least a little easier. I've even stopped watching medical dramas because they give me too many crazy ideas.

I am glad your mom got better. How scary!

Google is the devil to me! I can't watch Dr Oz, no House etc!

I have a cold right now, with maybe a low grade fever... maybe... because my MIL hid my thermonitor because I was THAT obsessed with taking my temp.

I am thinking of talking to someone. At first it started when I became a Mom, but not to this extreme. Then Mom got sick and I had full blown panic attacks convinced I was having a heart attack. I even had a ECG done to be sure!

I am so happy she is better, it was the scariest times of our lives as I was also an ocean away. She is in europe and I am in the states!

[MichaelsSahm]

Originally Posted by Annie Mac

Google is NOT your friend In cases like ours, ignorance is truly bliss. Or, if not bliss, at least a little easier. I've even stopped watching medical dramas because they give me too many crazy ideas.

I am glad your mom got better. How scary!

By the way, my name is Annie also.

[Annie Mac]

Originally Posted by MichaelsSahm

Google is the devil to me! I can't watch Dr Oz, no House etc!

I have a cold right now, with maybe a low grade fever... maybe... because my MIL hid my thermonitor because I was THAT obsessed with taking my temp.

I am thinking of talking to someone. At first it started when I became a Mom, but not to this extreme. Then Mom got sick and I had full blown panic attacks convinced I was having a heart attack. I even had a ECG done to be sure!

I am so happy she is better, it was the scariest times of our lives as I was also an ocean away. She is in europe and I am in the states!

I did counseling for a while. It does help, especially with understanding the panic attacks. There are counselors with specialties in anxiety/OCD disorders. The first thing the one I went to did was to explain the physiology of a panic attack -- what your body is doing and why it feels the way it does. She gave me a workbook with exercises and a relaxation CD. I also journalled because I found that helped me. I would definitely encourage you to talk to someone. At the very least, you get a better understanding.

I am sorry you are obsessing over your fever & cold. I've definitely BTDT. Hope you feel better soon!

[Annie Mac]

Not sure if anyone's reading this anymore, but I wanted to share my decision to "get better." I have a long list of foods that I consider unsafe. Yesterday, I ate bread with seeds. I didn't die. Then I had salmon for dinner. Still here. Half an hour ago, I had a handful of walnuts. I am slightly nauseated, but have no symptoms of impending fatal anaphylaxis. Enough is enough! I KNOW I am not allergic to these foods. Maybe other people are, but not me. Oddly enough, what spurred me into action was another phobia: the fear of heart disease (which, btw, does not run in my family). I realized that I was only eating saturated fats because of my OCDness about nuts and fish, and it was pretty hard to get enough protein in me to feel and stay healthy. So whether that's a victory or not, I don't know, but at least I've decided to expand my food vocabulary. Tomorrow: peanut butter, if I'm brave enough.