Do you "apologize" for your child being a child?

[melixxa]

I am sort of feeling out my stance on this, so please bear with me.

On a recent airport shuttle ride after a long day's travel, my completely exhausted and hot DS (7 months) cried the entire way to our destination. About 20 minutes, I guess. I felt very distressed for him because he is generally very easygoing and only ever cries for a few seconds (if hurt, or upon just waking up) to a few minutes (when I first put him in his carseat; while being rocked to sleep, which he resists - but never more than 5-10 minutes). We were also soooo hot in the van, it was dark and late at night, we were in a strange place, and I'm sure he could sense my tense, tired, headachy state as well. Even after all these months, it still rends at my heart to hear him sob - and for so long in this case!

Anyway, my DP apologized to everyone else in the shuttle about three or four times. I'm a little conflicted about it, but this just totally irked me. I myself wished to god my baby weren't crying but mainly I just felt terrible for him. For HIM, not for the adults riding with us. He was a little baby - our little baby - in distress; meanwhile these other shuttle passengers were adults IMO able to deal. Not that anyone complained or even flashed us looks. I'm sure it grated on their nerves, however. But, hmmm. I'm not sure why it bugs me. I guess I feel like it would be in some weird way "unfair" to my son to apologize for behavior that is perfectly natural, in a situation in which he was the one suffering the most, just because said behavior (unintentional! innocent!) was not perfectly pleasant for the adults around. Does this make any sense at all?

This is just one example of what I'm talking about, maybe not a good one. The other part of it is that my SIL (3-year-old DS1, 7-month-old DS2) constantly apologizes to strangers for her kids. To professional service staff, for instance. To all kinds of people. And not for outrageous behaviors or anything, not for her toddler running around the restaurant screaming at the top of his lungs and tossing food in the air or anything. For the same sorts of things as above - a little crying or whining, or maybe a baby shriek here and there. Maybe rambunctious behavior, being a toddler or a baby. I'm *not* talking about stuff like kicking perfect strangers in the shins or destroying property or anything. We had this talk about it, and she said that apologizing to people, even when not warranted, makes her feel better. (She tends to limit her "public appearances" a lot because in general she feels that it is unfair to "inflict" her brood on other people.) I thought about it for a moment and told her that apologizing would make me feel worse.

It's weird because I am an "overly polite" person by nature - raised to be a "perfect little girl" by my mom, thoroughly trained - to a fault - in all the social graces. It has been a lifelong battle for me to stand up for myself and, basically, not always be apologizing for my existence, for taking up air and space, if you know what I mean. So this change of heart or change in attitude is a bit baffling to even me. When I say that "apologizing" for my DS or his behavior would make me feel worse, I think I mean that it would be like conceding that there is no place in this world, in society, for children's needs. That they should be expected to conform at all times to adult expectations of perfect (i.e. convenient for adults, i.e. not annoying in any way) behavior. Which of course they can't because they are children and not, you know, Franciscan monks.

OK, I am totally rambling here. I am hoping that others might be able to respond and shed more light on this issue and chime in with their attitudes/experiences. I guess I worry a little now that I am approaching rude (rather than protective-mama-bear-like) for not saying "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry." I was always a person who didn't want to offend, but now I find myself increasingly thinking "Look, children are part of the human race, you are the adult - so DEAL, OK?"

[ja mama]

I think it's appropriate to apologize if you think other people are being inconvenienced or bothered. But I wouldn't apologize for my child's behavior unless they were doing something wrong. Subtle but distinct difference.

[kama'aina mama]

This going to sound like semantics but it isn't. I don't apologize for her being a kid but I do apologize if she disturbs people. Sort of like how I don't apologize for having a big butt but I do if I bump into someone with it. (I think that's a lot like what ja mama said, actually. About the kid. Not the big butt.)

[mocha09]

When I am in that situation, I *thank* people, rather than apologizing. This validates their annoyance/discomfort, and makes them feel good as well, and hopefully puts them in a better place the next time it happens.

As in:
"Thank you for being so understanding. ... It's been a really hard day for her, and I know it's not fun to listen to. ... I appreciate your tolerance. ...It helped me a lot knowing that you were okay iwth this..."

I've apologized in the past also, not for my daugher's behavior, but for the other persons' feelings of inconvencience/annoyance: "This was probably a very terrible flight for you. I'm sorry that you had to listen to all that crying. Thank you very much for being so kind to us."

I don't know...it's all semantics. I think it's important to validate other people's feelings, but also important to not place blame on your child for normal child behavior.

[babybugmama]

I like how mocha09 said it...

I think I apologize for dd's behavior only when it's over the top. What I mean is that I would likely have said some explanation (she's had a really rough day and is just plum exhausted, sympathetic head wag), but when she lets out a squawk here and there, no I wouldn't say anything about that. Unless I noticed that she startled someone or something like that.

[layla]

I would not appologize for something like being fussy or crabby after a long day. But probably would if they were really acting up, which usually doesn't happen because if I sense it coming, I try to leave the place or deter the behavior. I don't know, it depends on the situation, I guess. In your case, though, I would not appologize.

[polka hop]

*

[calgal007]

Mocha09, you rule!!!! That is the smartest thing I've read on this board in a long time. . .

[Greaseball]

Adults rarely apologize for the ways they inconvenience children. Like others have said, I would apologize only for stuff that goes beyond normal childhood behavior, such as hitting. If she were screaming in a restaurant I would take her outside. We only take her to restaurants that are very loud, anyway.

I find that I limit public appearances too, mainly because I just don't know what to do. For example, dd used to be content sitting in the gorcery cart with a snack, now she wants to be able to push the cart and pull things off the shelves. So I just don't take her to the store. I don't want to deal with it.

She does knock things over at peoples' homes, sometimes by accident, and I always apologize for that and would replace things or pay for cleaning if necessary.

[mocha09]

Gee. This is the first time I've felt "wise" in a long time!

[mamawanabe]

I think it is fine to apologize for annoying other people, even when annoying them is acceptable (I apologize for paying with change; it is perfectly oK to pay with change, but I do want to aknowledge that it is a pain for the cashier and those in line behind me). My grandmother apologized for my granddad when, near the end of his life he became disoriented and very nasty to nurses. His behavior was normal and understandable, but apologizing helped my grandma (and maybe the nurses too) to deal with it. I would certainly apologize if my child's behavior, no matter how age appropriate, bothered others.

What I think is dangerous - my friend apologizes over and over to me, to anyone, when her son cries or acts up with the explanation "he usually isn't like this." Somehow that kind of apology feels different, though I'm not sure how? I won't apologize for my child's behavior, only for it annoying others. Clearly, sitting around her house, her son's fussyness is not annoying me. I think she is apologizing because she feels his behavior is a reflection of her parenting and maybe because she worries that I won't like her son due to his (very normal) behavior? It sets up demands on her son that he won't be able to meet? Likewise, I think too she thrives too much on compliments about her son being smarter and better behaved than most kids his age (he really is an amazing little boy), which is dangerous in the same sort of way.

[Greaseball]

My stepmom used to say "She usually isn't like this" about my 3-year-old sister, and I think people get sick of hearing it. (The thing is, she usually was like that, so it wasn't even true!)

If I put myself in the position of the cashier or whatever, listening to a screaming child, I really don't care what he is like at home or that he didn't get a nap and if he had everything would have been fine!

[Piglet68]

Actually, the one time I recall this happening I did what Mocha said. We were on the Zoo Shuttle between exhibits. It was a very cold day and when I saw the shuttle I decided to go for it rather than wait another 20 min. Big mistake. DD was in her stroller and almost asleep. I had to rush out the door, take her out and try to collapse the stroller with all our crap in it. She got extremely upset when a kind man came out to help me collapse the stroller. And, of course, it wouldn't (it's hard to do, and harder to explain without being able to show how) so they had to lift the whole thing on board. DD screamed and bawled the whole way (fortunately, it was only a few minutes ride). I felt so bad for her, and really really guilty for not paying closer attention to her and realizing that it was a bad decision to go for the shuttle. At one point, she ripped my earring out and some sweet person behind me caught the backing and gave it to me (I lost the front though).

Anyways, when I got off I profusely thanked everybody. They were really all very kind, nobody said anything bad, and they all helped us off the bus.

Okay, then there was last week when we went to IHOP and DH gave DD a creamer cup (what was he thinking!!!!). She was sitting on my lap facing out and unbeknownst to me was gnawing on it. Well, you can guess what happened next: it burst open and sprayed the people at the next table with creamer!!! I was mortified and apologized profusely!!!

[Greaseball]

Sometimes people who want you to apologize for your child are really wanting an apology for having to do their jobs, like when a babysitter or daycare provider complains about diapers or not getting to finish her book. What do they want me to say; "Sorry my kid poops and needs attention?"

I would have been so embarrassed about the creamer thing...

[eilonwy]

My son is exceptionally well behaved in public; I have never had anything like this happen to me, really. I can only think of a few times where Eli's behavior in public was less than stellar, and for most of those he was sick and at the doctor's office. When he's in pain, he's not the happy sociable person he is in other places. I have had other people apologize to me for the way their children behave when they're acting like perfectly normal kids (for example, a 2 year old in need of a nap breaks down in tears). I usually say something like "Oh, I don't mind at all. She seems like she's had a long day and needs a nap!"

The "He's not usually like this" excuse bothers me a bit because it implies that there's something wrong with a child who *is* usually "like this". Especially when it refers to perfectly reasonable, age appropriate behaviors. Eli is exceptionally well behaved, so people frequently feel the need to make excuses if their child isn't behaving as well as Eli, and they often put their kids down. "He's just a little baby and he's not throwing a fit, why can't you be more like him?" or "That baby is trying to figure out what's wrong with you." I'm convinced that half of the reason Eli appears to be so well behaved in public is that we don't expect him to be a miniature 10 year old. When he starts to get fussy or anxious, we pick him up or give him something to do; I don't expect him to entertain himself for a trip to the grocery store, kwim?

[hhurd]

I tend to apologize if it seems like other people are being inconvenienced by my dc's behavior, if I think doing so might diffuse a potentially tense exchange. People are generally pretty easy going and are often more understanding if they realize you are paying attention, kwim?

I don't think I'm doing a disservice to my child if I err on the side of politeness.

[SoHappy]

If I think people are being unusually rude or judgmental about a child who is not really misbehaving I do something like this... put on my silly pretend mean voice, shake my finger at the child, and say with a giant smile, "Hey, you, silly cute little boy, you stop being a kid! Do you hear me? You stop acting your age right now!" The kid always busts up, and the other adults keep quiet.