ever have moments when you miss just being you?

[red and lulu]

i love my dd. i look at her sleeping and am overwhelmed with waves of complete and total adoration. i can't imagine life without her. but lately i've found myself wishing i could just live my old life at moments. for the past 11 months i've been mom 24/7, and i'm burnt out. i'm just wondering if any other first time mamas feel that way, too? like you just wish you could just have 24 hours "off?"

i just turned 28. my pregnancy was unplanned, with a man i was not in a committed relationship with — my life was admittedly a bit of a train wreck, i was all over the place. i was still "figuring it all out," where i wanted to be, what i wanted to do.... and now i'm a stay at home mom (who works both at home and out of the home part time). tonight dp is working (which he does 5-6 nights a week) and so me and baby went out for dinner with my brother and 2 friends. we talked about non-baby things (and dd, of course)... it felt sorta "normal." but then dd was tired and so i had to leave and they were making plans for the evening and i tried to talk them into coming over to my house to hang out for a bit, but that didn't happen...... it's stupid really, but i just have these moments where I feel like I am still such an immature 20-something and i want to be able to just embrace that, b/c that's where i am. but i'm also a mom and a partner and i feel doubly bad for missing my social life and feeling jealous of my friends sometimes because of that.

anyone else???

[Krystal1220]

Yes, I know what you mean. My son is 6 months old, and was a surprise as well. A very welcome and happy surprise, but it has been an adjustment (my now-DH and I were long distance, so after I found out I was pregnant we got married and I moved to where he was). I am a SAHM as well and my DH is in law school and is completely consumed by school during the school year, and a firm job for this summer right now. It is me and the baby all day and all night, every day. It is a lot of fun most of the time, but exhausting. I find myself just wishing I could have ANY time to go out and be by myself for a little while -- an hour, maybe two to get a hair cut, go clothes shopping and be able to try something on, etc. Or meeting friends for happy hour or dinner, dancing, etc. I'm 27 and was having a great time living in the city before my little man came along. I wouldn't change my current situation for the world, but I do have those moments where I remember fondly what it was like to be carefree and without such major responsibilities.

[kismetbaby]

I hear you mamas. . .and I'm pretty sure these feelings are not reserved for twenty-somethings or surprise babies.

Heck, I am squarely in my mid-thirties, married, planned pg, finally getting to be the SAHM I've wanted to be for awhile. I've had my party days, my traveling, lots of school. . . and I love, love being this little guys mommy 99.9% of the time. But there are those moments where I miss the old life. Movies with DH, sleeping through the night, reading on the couch, conversations with friends. I imagine that missing the non-parent you is normal.

[tzs]

dd was "planned" and i still feel that way. actually, maybe i feel that way more that not. hmmm.....
staying at home doesn't help and not taking breaks doesn't help either. i fantasize about getting a hotel room for just one night by myself. trips to walgreens alone are like a vacation. i miss my old body even though it was far from perfect. but the weird thing is that at night when she's sleeping in her own room i miss her.

[Kmama2]

Totally normal. Im 28, married and have 2 kids that were basically planned. A 3 year old and a 9 month old and I feel that way now more than ever. Im a SAHM. Its always mom 24-7. My 3 year old has never spent a night away from me ever. Not even when her brother was born ( home birth) Heck I don't think she has ever even spent a few hours away from me. My kids are ALWAYS with me or Dh and mostly its me. Not alot of family help. Its me taking care of my kids ALL THE TIME. The baby hasn't taken a bottle since he was about 3 months old so that pretty much kills ever getting away...
I LOVE LOVE LOVE my kids. Would never go back. But yeah I sometimes okay lots of times wish Dh and I could go away for a day- even a night. Have not had a night away ( as in all night) since our honeymoon 4 years ago. I miss just doing things at the drop of a hat with no thought to nap sched, tired kids, planned meals etc. Or even a nice resturant meal with Dh would be nice. Being a mother means becoming self less so I think its pretty normal to need/want a change of pace.
Sometimes I feel like all we ever do is the necessary- work, take care of the kids, yard work, errands- the required stuff. We don't get to see our friends alot because now they too have kids and for us to get together in the evening would require someone finding a babysitter as all our kids go to bed around 7 pm.

[zannster]

Yup, same here. For me though, I am far enough removed from the pre-child life that I just miss how it was pre-baby. My older child is five, and I was finally getting a bit of freedom - and then I had #2.

[Pandme]

Me too, BUT one thing I've found is that I CAN'T miss my old social life too much because whether or not I had kids I still wouldn't have the same social life. All my friends have kids too.

[nola79]

Yes, definitely. I think it's normal.

[Path2Felicity]

I think, for me, it's less about socialization with others than it is about freedom to do what I want, whenever I want. Pre-baby, there were days my husband and I lounged around the house, watched movies all day and cuddled on the couch. Can't really do that anymore with a baby. I miss those breaks. Also, I feel so conflicted about working or staying home. I wonder if I can provide the type of stimulating environment at home that is necessary for nurturing a child. I constantly worry that I'm doing something wrong. That I'm hurting DD. I don't know. Sometimes I think I'm not cut out for motherhood.

[october]

First of all, I can DEFINITELY relate to this. My babe is 12 weeks old and I have never been so in love, but I used to be a very happy solitary person. I used to love hopping on a greyhound bus and going to some random city, with my headphones and journal, just to see what was waiting for me there. There is something about leaving your car at home, going fairly empty-handed, and just finding yourself in serendipitous situations.

However,

There is something kind of sad about aching for what you don't have. For the grass always being greener.

My new philosophy is that this, too, shall pass. This era of my life where a teensy little wee human being needs me so desperately, loves me so madly, and inspires me to see just how good I can be, this era, too, shall pass. And just like the last one, I am choosing to savor these moments as much as possible. They will be fleeting. If I make it to 70 when I look back on this time, I will remember how fast it flew by. How precious it was.

So every time I find myself aching for my old life, I activate this philosphy. This will be just as fleeting as the last era, and who knows what the next one will be! And how exciting is that?

[octobermoon]

Originally Posted by kismetbaby

I hear you mamas. . .and I'm pretty sure these feelings are not reserved for twenty-somethings or surprise babies.

Heck, I am squarely in my mid-thirties, married, planned pg, finally getting to be the SAHM I've wanted to be for awhile. I've had my party days, my traveling, lots of school. . . and I love, love being this little guys mommy 99.9% of the time. But there are those moments where I miss the old life. Movies with DH, sleeping through the night, reading on the couch, conversations with friends. I imagine that missing the non-parent you is normal.

yup. same here.

[zannster]

That's a good philosophy to have, and I had to remind myself of it in the early weeks, when I was a post-surgical, hormonal mess with a very unhappy baby. These stages change quickly. Plus, focusing on all the things you can't do (for now) will just make you depressed, IMO.

[jennybear]

I don't feel that way often because I get out of the house an ample amount without DD (6 months). On top of working 3 days/week, I also regularly go out with friends in the evening, do a yoga class, etc. (usually after DD goes down for the night). DH does the same.

I'm honestly as active socially now as I was pre-baby. But there are definitely days I'd rather veg out on the couch than do baby care, love her as I do.

[sugarpop]

Jennybear ~ I don't know how you have the energy...but good for you for finding the time

I am in the same boat as most. I feel guilty for these feelings! I love Sophia more than anyone or anything in the world. Last night she slept on a mattress beside me from 11 to 1 and I finally had to get her at 1 b/c I missed her. She doesn't take a bottle, refuses to, I am with her every waking hour as I am a SAHM. She was planned, I am married have a ton of help and yet I long for just a moment to be ME. She is 9 months old and DH and I have had 1 two hour outing about a month and a half ago...time for another one!

I think I will stop feeling so guilty for having these feelings now that I know I am not alone and among good company.

[hakeber]

YES! In fact, the job I am starting in August (woohoo!) pays for our apartment, and so I am considering using some of my newly freed up income in getting myself a small cheap furnished studio apartment (anything less than 200 dollars a month) on the other side of town (we'll be in Bogota, Colombia) where I can go for a few hours a week just to be by myself, to think. To write. To lay in total silence. I figure I can use it for date nights with DH, or as a pad for my mom when she comes to visit. Or sublet it to friends when they come for vacation. But most importantly, I am really enjoying the idea of having a kid free space, where I can decorate it with lots of lovely breakable things that won't get detroyed, and lovely books that won't have crayon scrawlings on half the pages, and I can light candles that won't get blown out before I want them to be. I can listen to the music I love.

It took me a while to get used to a live-in DH...and I was fine with DS, just one kid. I went to the gym, I had a life after work, I had ladies nights twice a month and went out with DH just as much after DS as I did before, but with baby number 2 all of that seems to have changed and lot more so for ME than it has for DH who still seems as carefree as ever. The timing of baby #2 also worked out so that my maternity leave, instead of being 8 weeks like it was with DS has been between vacations and the mandatory legal mat leave here is 4 months, so I had a month of leave for Christmas, then gave birth and had my maternity leave until 2 weeks before the summer vacation...so it's been over 5 months of two kids with only two weeks of basically part time work in the middle...and I am DYING to get back to work.

I can't get anything done in the house. I can't read a chapter, let alone a novel, I can't write a haiku, let alone an essay, and I miss being around adults.

I still get out, but it's always WITH dh or WITH a friend...never ever ever alone. How I miss those days of living in city (Big city here I come!) and just walking...just walking and walking and walking, and window shopping, and maybe popping into a store or having a coffee....just walking. How I miss just waking up to sunshine and not the sound a baby stirring or a child's knee in your back or an elbow in your face or even a loving husband's foul breath in your face...I never ever ever have my house to myself for more than maybe an hour if DH is so kind to take the baby and the boy with him to the store...usually he'll only take the boy...and it's me and baby. All. The. Time.

So yes. I miss me. And I am 34...both my kids were unplanned...very very unplanned. Best unplanned things that have ever happened to me, but sometimes I wonder where I am in all of it.

[hakeber]

Originally Posted by zannster

Yup, same here. For me though, I am far enough removed from the pre-child life that I just miss how it was pre-baby. My older child is five, and I was finally getting a bit of freedom - and then I had #2.

Hey look at that! Our kids are almost the same ages.

That's how I feel too. I love dd with every ounce of my soul, but I also feel like a much better mom when I have a few hours away from her.

[zannster]

Rebekah - I noticed that! Too bad we don't live anywhere near each other.

I'm not getting a few hours away. This girl is a snacker and likes her milk hourly. About an hour and a half is the most I've been away so far.

[hakeber]

Mine too. I manage to get a few hours with DH out on Friday and Tuesday by pumping my right breast everytime I feed her on the left. I can usually get 15 oz a day that way. She will then eat just before I go out, nap for an hour and then wake up and have two bottles before I come home...sometimes three.

On the plus side she only wakes up once during the night to feed, so at least I've not got sleep deprivation to add into the mix.

[october]

Rebekah, I really enjoyed your post. Even if it's a frustrating subject. Thank you for sharing.

[hakeber]

Originally Posted by october

Rebekah, I really enjoyed your post. Even if it's a frustrating subject. Thank you for sharing.

I like your post, too. I appreciate that philosophy and I sometimes try to see it that way, but just at the moment, with her being 5 mo, and world cup taking up 90% of my dh's waking attention span, I sort of feel like I won't see an empty house for at least the next 14 years. FOURTEEN YEARS!?! That's a long long time. Do you have any idea how much I could get done in 14 years if I were able to concentrate for even 3 hours straight each day?

of course when it comes around I will probably be lonely and want my babies back...

Terrible catch 22, isn't it?