how not to lose it when my 3-year old hurts me

[lld]

I am a single mom to a 3-year old...most of the time the atmosphere between us is relaxed. HOWEVER...he is an affectionate child who always wants to be extremely close to me - if you have a similar child, you know what I mean. As a baby he always slept right on top of my head...he'll push his face into mine like he just can't get close enough. I enjoy cuddling with him, but unfortunately he does things that hurt me such as biting, pulling hair, occasionally hitting. He really likes to bite - not other children, but when he is stressed or excited he will put his teeth on me - he has been working on the biting for a long time and has figured out that he can keep his mouth closed and just push his teeth into my skin...He'll latch onto me so tightly that it is like a battle to get him to let go when he is hurting me. I consider myself a patient mother but when he suddenly hurts me I find myself reacting in really negative ways (yelling, lecturing, threatening him...time-out has proven to be the most positive solution because it stops me from doing any of the aforementioned things- I'm not sure how to do a time-in with this because if I try to get close to him he hurts me) I am a single mother and him and I are usually alone together so shared parenting is not a possibility.

I hate when I get angry with him...sitting here at the computer it seems easy to think of 10 better solutions than having him 'sit-out'...but when he is hurting me it is very hard not to react to what he is doing.

Any advice? BTW - this happens in a variety of circumstances - sometimes it is a stressful time for him as would be expected. Other times it is when he is excited and playful and we are cuddling...other times it seems out of nowhere...

[sweetkid]

I'm sorry you are going through this alone.3 is definitely an age when children will really try and find every limit and personal boundry.

My dd is 3.75, If she hurts me on purpose I just get up and walk away, explaining that I do not wish to hang out with someone that hurts me. This is how most people feel, and I think its a great way to also teach her the way socializing works.

[mom2grrls]

Does he have a lovey or blanket that you can put in between you 2 so perhaps he might bite that instead?

[lolar2]

Mine does the same thing. He doesn't have sensory integration disorder or anything, but he has sort of a sensory-seeking personality, you could say. Some posters here have links for good activities for that kind of thing.

[Wild Lupine]

I, too, am sorry that you are going through this on your own.

I can also relate, my 3 1/2 year old sometimes hits and always wants to be held or touched (uppy, mommy, uppy), and sometimes gets defiant. I find myself struggling with my patience too and not always responding the way I'd like.

I have discovered, though, that if I can be very clear about which button she is pushing and take care of that button, I can respond to her more effectively and reasonably. One of my biggest buttons is that I'm an ineffective/incompetent parent. When that button is raw and exposed- from lack of sleep or some confidence-sapping interaction- I find it much harder to remain patient when she does something undesirable. At those times remembering that her behavior is age-appropriate keeps the button from being triggered (I say over and over to myself, age-appropriate, age- appropriate, age-appropriate). I also read a lot of threads about three year-olds to help me keep a perspective about what three year olds can be like!

Another thing I try to do is to give myself a time out. Not a behavior type time out, but a, 'hey, DD, I dislike being hit so much that I'm about to lose my temper. I'm going to sit over here and calm myself down. I'll be back to talk about what just happened in a few minutes.' (If I thought she'd disturb me I'd go so far as to lock myself in the bathroom, but it has never come to that.)

I actually think it is important for kids to know how their actions affect us. GD for me doesn't mean being calm and loving and 'hey that's OK honey, I know you're learning' in the the face of intentionally inflicted physical pain. Anger is an appropriate response to being hurt and kids need to know that.

[phathui5]

When a kid bites, I don't think there's anything wrong at all with yelling "Don't bite me! That hurts!" and walking quickly away from them.