Need some advice on situation with bf...

[hsiela]

I've been dating my bf for 2 1/2 yrs now( we'll call him J). I have 2 kids son 8 and daughter 3 1/2. When J and I started dating i made it clear that I was looking for a relationship and he agreed he was too. We waited about 6 mths before he met the kids. After that he met the rest of my family. He is wonderful with my kids. He's an even tempered man with common sense who treats me and the kids well. His main concern is always for my kids well being. He is the exact opposite of my ex husband which is wonderful. Unfortunately J has yet to even tell his family that we are dating. Which hurts my feelings but it is complicated since J and I work for the same company, along with his mother. Our company frowns upon dating co workers so he is worried it could cause conflict if anyone found out. Not that they would.
J works nights and I work days. We don't get to see each other often and sometimes i feel he could put forth more effort to come over. He says he is worried he will get in the way or throw off the kids schedule although I have explained many times that's not the case. About 4 months ago I really started thinking I would like us to move in together. He has lived at home with his parents since finishing college and the kids and I live with my father. I explained to him that I was ready to move out and I would like for him to go with me. His reply the first time was it's a big responsibility, very expensive. The 2nd time I brought it up he said he has really thought about it and he isn't ready.
My sister says move on. She suggested I join a single parents dating site. I really like J. I want to include him in my family. I feel giving up after 2 1/2 years would be sad but I don't know how much longer I can wait for him to be ready. Any advice?

[SoulCakes]

Do you want to be with J even if he hides you from his family, won't move in with you, and if there's no guarantee that this relationship will ever move forward? If so, stay with him and enjoy the relationship. The big thing here, though, is that you can't secretly expect that he'll come around--he's telling you loud and clear that he doesn't want more.

If that isn't acceptable to you, then let him go.

[Minxie]

Originally Posted by SoulCakes

Do you want to be with J even if he hides you from his family, won't move in with you, and if there's no guarantee that this relationship will ever move forward? If so, stay with him and enjoy the relationship. The big thing here, though, is that you can't secretly expect that he'll come around--he's telling you loud and clear that he doesn't want more.

If that isn't acceptable to you, then let him go.

[Latte Mama]

2 1/2 years??? That is a VERY clear message mama, sorry. Sometimes we need to hear these things straight. Several months, ok but no way should anyone NOT intro their partner to family after 2 1/2 years.

And still lives with his parents? Does he even want his own place?

[Kindermama]

Originally Posted by Minxie

Do you want to be with J even if he hides you from his family, won't move in with you, and if there's no guarantee that this relationship will ever move forward? If so, stay with him and enjoy the relationship. The big thing here, though, is that you can't secretly expect that he'll come around--he's telling you loud and clear that he doesn't want more.

If that isn't acceptable to you, then let him go.

[northcountrymamma]

dp moved into my house after 2 years...and we're going strong at 4 years. He was apprehensive at first too...with a lot of the same responses.

the part about not meeting his family is a bit odd though IMHO...I met dp's family within the first month...but the situation sounds pretty different.

waiting for dp to be ready was difficult, but I know that since I gave him the time he needed, he made the choice when he was ready and has never questioned it once. Don't get me wrong, I talked his ears off about it...and likely pressured him a bit, but I gave him the time he needed...it was a worthwhile wait. I couldn't imagine him not being here now.

just my thoughts and experience...

[hsiela]

Thank you for all your advice. I guess it's time we sit down and have a final conversation about this. I need to do a lot of self reflection before and decide if I'm willing to wait for him any longer. If not I need to be able to say, it's been nice knowing you.

[PoppyMama]

One of the best pieces of advice I've heard is that when someone shows you who they are, believe them. Relationships, after we're mothers, are tough and painful. Never before has it been more true that love is just not enough.

[cheer mom]

after 2 1/2 years he hasn't told his parents about you? And he lives with them. Yeah, umm, no. Not good. I hope your talk goes well.

[meemee]

Originally Posted by cheer mom

after 2 1/2 years he hasn't told his parents about you? And he lives with them. Yeah, umm, no. Not good. I hope your talk goes well.

sorry mama. that was my first thought too. no matter how hard - he has issues he 'doesnt want to face up to'.

[Goodmom2008]

You may want to be with J, but he doesn't want to be with you. Personally, I would cut my losses and move on.

Are you sure it is his parents that he's living with and not a wife?

[hsiela]

Yes it's his parents. I work with his mother. We work together in a team and we often discuss our families.

[meemee]

Originally Posted by hsiela

Yes it's his parents. I work with his mother. We work together in a team and we often discuss our families.

WHAT?!!!!

you work with HIS MOTHER and she has no clue you are dating her son? for 2 1/2 years?!!!!!

WHY!!!!????????? why does he not want to tell his mom? his family?

woah i missed that in the OP.

gosh mama there is something deeper going on and he is using the company policy as his shield.

are you also saying a mother and son can work in the company but they would frown upon a boyfriend and girlfriend working together?!!!!!