How to get over being called mean things by kids?

[Nansense]

I have 5 1/2yo & almost 4yo boys who grequently say "stupid" & "shut-up" either to eachother or to a toy when frustrated. Dh & I never say those words and we've been working for 2yrs on trying to get them to stop through gd, corrective phrases & ignoring it. Nothing. And occassionally they say it to me.

So yesterday, I was the mom walking out of B&N bookstore with 2 crying kids because they started fighting over a book so I said we're leaving. Before going in, I told them the plan and they agreed that if they had bad behavior then we'd leave.

As we're leaving, my 5yo is screaming "stupid mommy" "you're a stupid mommy' "mean mommy"...... all the way through the store (WHY can't they have the kids section near the front doors???) and through the parking lot. I remained quiet and waited for them to get into their carseats, he's still screaming. I finally climb in, shut the door and yell back. I know I shouldn't, but believe me, I was using restraint by ONLY yelling. And I'm sure he would have continued if I didn't do something.

Sorry to be long, but what you have done differently and HOW do you get over an incident like that? Please tell me I'm not the only one. Right now, I feel like shipping them off to grandma's for a few months.
Thanks.

[astra]

I know when my DC is angry and name calling, I just dont take it personally. He's just upset and wants me to react to it. I ignore it and stay calm, and remind DC to use nice words. I am always saying "when you are ready to use your nice words we can talk about this".

Don't for a second worry about what everyone in the store is thinking. Many parents have been there. I know it's hard!!

[Linda on the move]

Originally Posted by Nansense

I have 5 1/2yo & almost 4yo boys who grequently say "stupid" & "shut-up" either to eachother or to a toy when frustrated. Dh & I never say those words and we've been working for 2yrs on trying to get them to stop through gd, corrective phrases & ignoring it. Nothing. And occassionally they say it to me.

Make them a list of house rules (with pictures) that includes not calling each other stupid, etc. Explain that any time they break one of the rules, they will get a 5 minute time out. Time out is just a quiet time in their room.

Expect the first week to be rough. Lots of testing it out, crying, etc. Then they will improve.

I believe that spending time alone is a VERY appropriate logical consequence for mistreating family members, and that 5 minutes is plenty long to get the message.

Keep the rules clear and simple so there's no room for judgment calls, and be consistent. Have DH help you draw up the rules and have him be part of the family meeting when the kids find out their new deal. It will make it easier for the kids if they understand up front that mom and dad are in the exact same page and times are a changing.

Good luck! My kids are overall as good as gold, but we went through a similar thing at about the same age. Once your kids are really clear that this behavior will not be tolerated anymore, they will stop it.

[Kristine233]

I agree with the previous poster who said to say "When you are ready to talk nice we can talk about this." I don't take it personal, they are just testing the waters and want a reaction. I calmly tell them that we don't talk like that and when they are ready to talk to me appropriately then I'll be all ears. And yes I say "approriate" lol, my DH used to tell me it was too big of a word but when my 3 year started telling her sibblings "That is not very appropriate" I knew they understood it. hehe.

As far as "mean mommy" goes. I don't even correct that one. I simply say "Yes, sometimes I have to be mean. That means I'm doing my job. I need you to follow the rules so you don't get hurt, I love you too much to let that happen to you." Of course, they didn't have the concept of what was really mean... their idea of mean was not getting to break a house rule or not giving them everything they wanted.

[wagamama]

My almost-five-year-old DS has just recently started doing this. Whenever DD or I do anything that even slightly bothers him, he starts shouting "Naughty! Naughty!" in the most horrendous, angry voice.

It is sooo hard not to react. I even tried yelling back, but of course it doesn't work at all. Of course, reasoning with him doesn't work either. The only thing that works is to ignore him, but that's hard too. The whole atmosphere of the house becomes horrible with his shouting. And poor DD (2.5) has to put up with it all.

I can't really do timeouts with DS -- he won't stay where i put him. Plus, his school doesn't do timeouts, so I feel bad doing them. I'm thinking of giving DD & I our own "time-out" in another room, the next time he starts shouting.

[RiverSky]

When my children were that age and would do similar things, I would say, "In our family, we do not use those words and you may not say STUPID no matter how angry you are. I understand that you are angry with me, but you still may not use that word." Then I would always say my little mantra, "I'll love you forever and ever, no matter what, even if you are angry at me." I would repeat my mantra anytime my children were upset or angry with me, and then sometimes just at random times throughout the day. Soon enough, I found my DS saying to me, "I'll love you forever and ever, no matter what." It really helped me deal with those situations, until the children grew old enough to grow out of that irrational but normal phase of childhood.