How DO you improve yourself with life in the way?

[homesteader]

DP and I seem to have the same issues over and over. So, we talk about it agree what needs to be done & things are good for a while(2 weeks, a month). Then things creep back in, unseen, until it all blows up again.

I know I need to work on: anger issues, procrastination, finishing what I start, being respectful, etc. etc. The list goes on and on.

We both work from home but it's not a consistant amount of work per day or any set hours. We homeschool and have a large garden. No day EVER looks the same for us. There could be 3 days in a row I'm working on rental properties and then 1 hour here and there for weeks and just doing paperwork.

So, I'm not able to really stay on track with self-improvement. I'd like concrete examples of how to remember what I'm working on to stay on track. This isn't something that I want to broadcast to the household by putting up notes for myself all over, which I have tried in the past. That only makes others point out my faults more often which is counterproductive for me.

[SoulCakes]

Something I do is just pick one thing at a time--anyone thing, and spend a couple of days just sitting on it. I think about that one aspect of myself. I meditate on it when I do the morning round (don't know if you have enough time for daily meditation, but I like a short stretch in the morning and at night before bed). I just look at it: how does this aspect of myself pervade my life? How does it affect my interactions with my husband, with my child, with my friends? How does it affect my work, efficiency, self-care, housekeeping?

Basically, I take some days to just examine it. I don't try to change it, but see it for what it is. See how it hinders me. See how it maybe even helps me. See how enmeshed I've become with the habit. I think about why I behave the way I do in this regard, why I've developed this habit to cope with my life. What payoff does it give me? Even if I think I'm totally against behaving this way, I keep doing it for a reason. What is it?

Then I begin to make changes. During those couple of days when I was just thinking about the problem, other options of behavior become pretty clear. For instance, if I'm having a problem with impatience, I can plainly see that I could take my frustration down a couple of notches and, say, speak more cheerfully and slowly to DD. Even if I really don't want to do this, I can see that it's an option. So I start with the easy things, the ones that aren't too hard to change. Then I work up to the bigger things. And I just keep going. Once those are becoming a (good) habit, and I feel like I've made some positive changes, I might start working on something else. My goal is just to get to the point where my self-evaluation is automatic and quick, and where I can start defaulting on good behavior instead of unwanted behavior.

So... yeah. That's how I work on myself. It doesn't take any more brain space to just observe myself as I go about my day, nor does it take much time to think about how to make changes and begin implementing them. It's hard, changing yourself. But it can be done, and you don't need a vast amount of time to do it. It can be incorporated into daily life.

Anyway, that's what I do! Good luck!

ETA:

Oh, um, in case the main point got lost in all the words: you asked about reminders. My point was to just pick one thing and keep it in your head all the time. That way you don't need a reminder, and never try to juggle many self-improvements at once! Make a good habit out of one, then tackle another. Good luck!

[Oriole]

How about journaling? That's what helps me.

[homesteader]

hello again SoulCakes! I think part of the problem is that I do try to juggle too many at one time b/c there is sooooo much to work on. DP said today that when there is improvement in one area there is backsliding in another. Which is true. He said that there seems to be a static amount of doable stuff for me and when it is spread to something I'm working on to improve in our relationship or on myself that it gets pulled from another area. It hurt but I really think it's true. So, I thought if I were able to keep a list of sorts then I could check it a couple of times a day as a reminder of what I'm working on or what DP and I have agreed on.

keeping a journal is an option, but I find that the specifics of what we've agreed on or what I really want to work on get lost in the pages and it's not easily referred to.

[bluebirdiemama]

Maybe think of journaling as more of simply getting your thoughts onto paper. It doesn't have to be something you would ever read again, it just gets the emotions out, and a lot of the time gives you clarification on something that you might not have seen otherwise.

I have recently come out of a very deep and destructive depression, and have had numerous things to work on. Something that really helps me is to make time in the mornings, before any other responsibility can call my name (usually have to get up pretty early to get time w/o kids), and I stretch, and drink some coffee, and read my Bible. It helps me to get a grip on myself, before I have to deal with everything else.

There are a lot of other things that maybe you should consider too. How is your diet? How much sleep are you getting? Do you and your partner spent time together, by yourselves, often? Do you keep up with your friendship? Do you enjoy each other sexually?
Sometimes when you take the focus off things that seem to be the most pressing matters, and work on something totally different, you will see improvement that you didn't realize would result.



I feel I should also add that I have experience struggling with showing respect. But I have found that it is the single most effective thing I can do to improve my marriage/home situation. Almost every "couples help" book I've read has stressed the fact that men need to be respected by their partners. And I have definitely found it true with my dh!

[meemee]

wait a minute. are you trying to improve yourself for yourself or for your husband?

its almost like you are doing all the self improvement - or at least working on it and what is he doing?

what you are talking about sounds to me like couples therapy where you are also looking into yourself.

[lakeruby]

Originally Posted by bluebirdiemama

I feel I should also add that I have experience struggling with showing respect. But I have found that it is the single most effective thing I can do to improve my marriage/home situation. Almost every "couples help" book I've read has stressed the fact that men need to be respected by their partners. And I have definitely found it true with my dh!

I struggle with this too! The relationship I had during my most formative years was not respectful, and now I find myself hurting my DP with my words/actions often when we are not agreeing about something. I don't even realize that I'm being disrespectful, and have a hard time accepting that I am. But when I look back on the situation later (when I'm calm) I can see how my reactions and words affect him. It's definitely something I need to work on.

[homesteader]

Maybe think of journaling as more of simply getting your thoughts onto paper. It doesn't have to be something you would ever read again, it just gets the emotions out, and a lot of the time gives you clarification on something that you might not have seen otherwise.

bluebirdiemama: I know what you are saying but I need something to refer to, not just get my thoughts out on paper.

wait a minute. are you trying to improve yourself for yourself or for your husband?

its almost like you are doing all the self improvement - or at least working on it and what is he doing?

meemee: I see where you are coming from but my concern here isn't who's doing what...it's how I can remember without pasting notes all over the house.

does anyone else struggle with starting to work on something and it goes great for the first few days, then all he** breaks loose(ER visit, unexpected plumbing leak, etc.) and it's forgotten about until one day 2 weeks later you do the thing you were working on and say, "Oh man, I was working on that!" Or am I the only backsliding forgetful one here

[Learning_Mum]

I think the key is to pick the one that affects you the most and then work on that first. Try and build a routine around that. For example - anger issues. Is it that too much stress causes you to lash out. Assigning a time everyday where you are alone and read a magazine or something may help with that. Pick a time and make sure you avoid scheduling anything around that time, when humanly possible. This is just an example but may work for you. Maybe when you feel rage you can make yourself breathe deeply and count to ten or walk away. Just do it every time.

Also, alot of the procrastination and not finishing things just comes down to making yourself. Just do it. Everytime you feel yourself procrastinating just tell yourself to get up and do it, and then get up and do it. There's not really a magic key that can help you with those I'm afraid (been there, done that!) you just. have. to. do. it.

Anyway, if you work on one at a time, you'll find it becomes habit and when it becomes habit you can pick another thing to work on. Things will get in the way but you just have to pick back up where you left off when you remember again.

[SoulCakes]

Originally Posted by homesteader

does anyone else struggle with starting to work on something and it goes great for the first few days, then all he** breaks loose(ER visit, unexpected plumbing leak, etc.) and it's forgotten about until one day 2 weeks later you do the thing you were working on and say, "Oh man, I was working on that!" Or am I the only backsliding forgetful one here

YES!!! I do that all the time! That's why lately I've been trying to just focus on one thing at once, so that the change can become totally ingrained before starting a new self-improvement. It also helps to keep things in perspective. Self-change is tough, and trying to do a lot at once makes it even harder! We're fighting against an entire lifetime's worth of habits, so they won't all change quickly.

So far I've had luck making a habit out of a morning and evening yoga/meditation routine, which is the most helpful thing of all because it allows me to review the changes I want to make during the day and internalize it all. This is what I personally would recommend if you think it's something that would work for you.

Good luck, homesteader! I know you've got a lot going on right now, but one thing working in your favor is a great attitude!

[MoonJelly]

Originally Posted by homesteader

does anyone else struggle with starting to work on something and it goes great for the first few days, then all he** breaks loose(ER visit, unexpected plumbing leak, etc.) and it's forgotten about until one day 2 weeks later you do the thing you were working on and say, "Oh man, I was working on that!" Or am I the only backsliding forgetful one here

Story of my life.

[homesteader]

Thanks! It's good to at least know I'm not the only one.

We're fighting against an entire lifetime's worth of habits, so they won't all change quickly.

Sheesh, you can say that again!

It is confirmed that DP is going to go to counseling with me starting Thursday. I'm hoping that will be the beginning of some good changes and help me focus.

Thanks again for the insight and encouragement!

[homesteader]

How DO you improve yourself with life in the way? UPDATE ON #13

I just wanted to give an update on what has happened here. We have been going to counseling since July 1(once a week for typically 2 hours at a time-which our counselor assures us is NOT typical). No surprise to any of my friends...I have been diagnosed with ADD. Ha, ha that's a huge part of our issues. I am actually going to start medication tomorrow. I'm not one to jump on the med wagon, but with what I've learned I really think it will be a huge help.

I think my original issue of starting to work on something & then it falling away will be helped with meds...we will see, I'm still a bit of a skeptic but am really willing to give it a try. I know there are habits I"ve picked up b/c of the ADD that are going to be hard to break but I already see a difference because I'm aware of what's going on.

We have many other issues we have been working on & it is amazing the difference counseling has made for us. Both of us are much happier even though we still have a lot of work ahead of us. At least now we both can see light at the end of the tunnel!

[journeymom]

Hey, I remember this thread! I didn't post the first time but I read with interest.

Homesteader, it sounds like you're off to a wonderful start. I'm very hopeful for you! I agree, 2 hour sessions seems unusual. But heck, if it works that's all that counts.

Medication sounds like a GREAT idea. I support your effort. People often don't get complete relief with the first medication. Please be prepared to try different doses, different medications, and even to revisit the diagnosis altogether.

A few years ago I was diagnosed with bipolar II, which looks similar to ADHD. I tried maybe 4 different medications over six months before I found the right combination of two meds, at the right dosage, that work as best as they can for me.

Now my doctor questions the diagnosis, thinks it's chronic depression and life circumstances. I tend to agree with her, but because the medications have been so helpful, regardless of the diagnosis, I'm not going to do anything different.

Anyway, my point is that I hope you'll be patient with the medications and give them a good chance to work.

Best of luck to you.

By the way, you should put your Update on #13 in your original thread title.

[homesteader]

Originally Posted by journeymom

By the way, you should put your Update on #13 in your original thread title.

LOL, I tried but I couldn't figure out how to edit the title...

Thanks for the encouragement! I'm glad you mentioned not giving up with the first med or dosage. That reminds me that the counselor mentioned it. After yesterday(1st day on med) I was really ready to toss it all out the window. Today has been a bit better.

I'm hoping this week DP & I will be down to the 1hr session. But, like I said there are a lot of issues we are working through.

Thanks again and I'm glad to hear that you have found something that works for you.