I can't get my kid to sleep

[Wild Lupine]

I used to be solely responsible for DD's bed time until she was 2 1/2. DH took over then because DS came along and I put him to bed. In that time it has gradually become more and more difficult for me to get DD to sleep on nights DH is out. Now I cannot get her to sleep at all; she ends up staying awake until DH gets home.

I do the same routine as DH, snack, brush teeth, read story, sing while rubbing her back. I've tried doing everything the same, changing things around a little, going to bed earlier, going to bed later. Nothing, she lies there and tries but cannot sleep. It takes 15 - 20 minutes of this for her to fall asleep with DH, I give her an hour before we both get back up. I know I shouldn't get her back up but I just can't stand lying there that long! She also is terrified of being by herself, so leaving her on her own isn't an option. It's not just me, either; no one who has tried recently can get her to go to sleep. We used to be able to go out in the evening occasionally and have someone else put her to sleep, but not any more.

Aside from the practical issues this creates, it makes me feel like I don't have as much of a connection with her. I used to love putting her to sleep and I feel like such a failure that I can't get my 3 1/2 year old to sleep.

Can someone help me???

[dahlialia]

This may not be a popular solution, but if this were our family I think I would have DH work on bedtime happening differently. Not leaving her ALONE, if she's not ready, but finding ways to back off so she is learning to self-soothe. Maybe he could get through the routine, then sit on the bed instead of lying down. Then get to where he's sitting at the end of the bed or on the floor. Then sitting by the door.

What helped for DD1, was one of those aquarium lights, with the fish that go around and around. It gave her something to watch, to unwind. And the same bedtime music every night.

Also, this sounds semantic, but it did help with DD1. For a while we stopped focusing, stopped talking about the "go to sleep" aspect, and more about the "relax, take deep breaths, snuggle into the pillow, under the covers, watch the fishies".

[Maluhia]

I don't think it is a lack of connection to you but rather that she is accustomed to him. I'd stop worrying that it is a sign of anything "wrong," accept it for what it is and as long as she is in her room relaxing after bed time not worry if she is not sleeping.

[Wild Lupine]

Originally Posted by dahlialia

This may not be a popular solution, but if this were our family I think I would have DH work on bedtime happening differently. Not leaving her ALONE, if she's not ready, but finding ways to back off so she is learning to self-soothe. Maybe he could get through the routine, then sit on the bed instead of lying down. Then get to where he's sitting at the end of the bed or on the floor. Then sitting by the door.

What helped for DD1, was one of those aquarium lights, with the fish that go around and around. It gave her something to watch, to unwind. And the same bedtime music every night.

Also, this sounds semantic, but it did help with DD1. For a while we stopped focusing, stopped talking about the "go to sleep" aspect, and more about the "relax, take deep breaths, snuggle into the pillow, under the covers, watch the fishies".

These are very helpful suggestions. If I were doing DDs bed time regularly I probably would have moved to sitting in a chair while she fell asleep by now. I don't think DH wants to change her routine because it works so well for him- and he says he loves bed times with her. But if it makes it so that he's the only one who can put her to sleep, there's a problem!

I will look for one of those aquarium lights, that sounds like something she'd like.

Originally Posted by Maluhia

I don't think it is a lack of connection to you but rather that she is accustomed to him. I'd stop worrying that it is a sign of anything "wrong," accept it for what it is and as long as she is in her room relaxing after bed time not worry if she is not sleeping.

Thanks for the reassurance. She seems very connected to me during the day and we have lots of fun together. Somewhere I know it's not 'me', but it helps to hear it!

The issue I have with her being up is that DS gets up very early, and still doesn't STTN, and DD doesn't nap. If she doesn't go to sleep, I get absolutely no time to myself. She does get very scared on her own, but maybe she'll be OK me doing the laundry and catching up on correspondence while she relaxes as long as I check in on her regularly.