I'm finding my 3.5yo DS so unpleasant right now! He used to be the light of my life.

[Jenine]

DS is soooooo trying right now that I rarely have fun with him anymore. It makes me so sad. He pushes every limit all. the. time! He is also dealing with having a new sibling. DD is 8 mo. old and getting a lot of attention these days since she's crawling and pulling herself up, we're always close to her making sure she doesn't hurt herself. But he is getting a lot of alone time with DH. We are GD but I'm starting to move in the yelling and time out direction in my worst moments. Sometimes I'm so angry or worn out that I just need to do whats easy.

He is hitting and NOT listening to any request, he runs off in public, forces himself to stay awake at night. If DH is putting him to sleep he only wants me, if I'm putting him to sleep he has tantrums that he needs his daddy. He hits his sister and us... you get the picture. I'm not especially patient with him either, for example, when I'm trying to dress him he's always moving just beyond reach and it annoys the @#%* out of me. If he doesn't listen to repeated requests to stand a little closer, or stand still I have to just detach and avoid him for a while. It has turned into a vicious cycle...I resolve to start every day with patience and then after a few hours of being patient my stamina wanes and I'm getting impatient with him and he reacts and everything falls apart. I just don't want to be around him sometimes. I don't know what to do anymore, it just seems like everyday is a bad one recently.

Does it get better? How can I improve this situation?

[wagamama]

It sounds like our house, except DS is 4.5 and DD is 2.5. DS has always been intense, but for the past few months he has been going through a really negative period. He's such a bummer to be around! Flies off the handle at the slightest provocation, is mean to his sister, shouts at everyone, hits me ...

The worst thing for us is to stay inside the house. Things blow up quickly. Yesterday (Sunday) we stayed at the park from 9-3. Exhausting for me, but the kids played nicely! Once we got home, however, DS started coloring a picture and it didn't take long for him to get frustrated (he's a perfectionist when he colors or draws) and start shouting and crying. And it's frustrating for me because if I try to help him he gets madder. But if I leave him alone, he gets mad too. Even validating (I know you're feeling frustrated about the picture ,etc.) doesn't really help. Sometimes I think DS just needs to cry. ANd then I feel guilty, like somehow I should have organized the day better, organized the kids' play better .... it's rough.

DS goes to preschool from 9-2 and LOVES it and behaves perfectly there. It's an alternative, play and nature-based school. The boys run around wrestling and play fighting all day long. I am thinking about putting him in full time (until 4:30) when he turns 5, because he just loves it. Somehow, at home with his sister and me, he is unhappy. And I'm worried about the effect on DD of this violent brother (her temperment is very different -- she's a sweet little mama's helper). Looking back, DS has always liked being with his friends. We have moved a lot though, since he was born, so we haven't had a stable group of friends until now, at his current preschool.

Sorry, that was long, and I don't know if I'm helping you!

[nmelanson]

It does get better - it does!!! My DS was such an angel - all through his twos when everyone else's kids seemed to be throwing tantrums and not listening. Then... he turned 3 and it seemed like overnight he turned into a terror. I swear there were a good 4-5 months where I HATED to be home with him on my days off. Every day was horrible. I feel like we've gotten through it though. Of course, there are still hard days, but it isn't every day any more. I think he also went through a HUGE developmental stage; at the beginning consequence and other people's feeling meant nothing to him - now it means the world to him and he really dislikes seeing me upset.
I actually think it must be pretty scary at times for toddlers/pre-schoolers to be developing their brains as fast as they are. And all the different parts of the brain are developing at different rates too, so sometimes their skills are ahead of their emotions and vice versa. It would be so hard to contextualize things and feel secure, I would think.
DS is only 3.5 years now, and we have a new baby on the way, so I think there might be a few more bumpy patches in the near future. I am so greatful to have read your post though because I know how it feels! It really helps me work through it and understand. When we hold it all in and try to deal with it on our own, it's so hard to break our mindset out of our own frustrations. When I read about it from others, it helps me contextualize it for myself. Thank you!

[lovelygia]

wait, i'm not alone? sounds just like my 3.5 ds.

[jillmamma]

I agree...it is the age! 4 is a bit better, and 5 is awesome!

[GuildJenn]

The info in Your Three-Year-Old: Friend or Enemy? is dated but one bit of advice I like is "the best parenting tool at this age is as many babysitting hours as you can afford."

Not for the solution so much as for the reassurance that this is how it is.

If you can, it might be good to take him out for a picnic or a treat just the two of you once a week to see if that re-establishes a bit of harmony (be prepared that it may not). And for getting dressed, is he able to start doing that on his own?

[CatsCradle]

Raising my hand. I'm right there with you OP (and other PPs)! DD is a first and only and sometimes I think my brain is going to explode with frustration. She will be four in September and has been exhibiting this behavior for the past several months. I don't have any advice, unfortunately, because I'm so at a loss myself. My only hope is that this is just a growing pain.