DTD and Attachment Parenting - How?

[1stTimeMama4-4-10]

So DH and I have DTD exactly three times since DD was born ten weeks ago. For the first six weeks, I really wasn't ready, but then we gave it a shot around six weeks PP, and it actually was pretty great. There is no pain or discomfort or even a lack of libido. But we have NO alone time at all. It seems almost impossible to find time to do it because the baby is ALWAYS on me. If I put her in her bassinet or swing, she will only occupy herself for about ten minutes before she starts to cry if we are really really lucky. Usually she cries instantly if I put her down. There is nothing less romantic than a screaming two month old, as I'm sure many of you can attest! DD won't sleep anywhere but cuddled next to me or in the sling; unfortunately, that means that it's REALLY hard for DH and me to have any intimate time.

So what do you mammas do? If you co-sleep and babywear and your LO only sleeps on you, how do you ever separate enough to have intimate time with your partners?

[snoopy5386]

time....you just wait until they are ready to be away from you for a bit. That or a babysitter.

[mambera]

Sigh. I know the problem.

I usually nurse DD to sleep side-lying, then steal away when she is good and asleep. That buys us anywhere from 15 to 45 minutes for DTD.

Would your LO wake up if you crept away but didn't move her from her spot?

[lookatreestar]

we have just been blessed with really good sleepers from the beginning... that and an extra bed/spare room

[praisehimau]

we used to do it when the bubs was in bed... Would nurse to sleep and then go for it.
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[Lauren31]

personally I do not think it's an AP issue until they are older and still in your bed... but honestly, we use the living, the spare bedroom, etc.... That and when the baby starts to cry my husband has gotten good at finishing right away I am not so lucky. hahahaha Babies certainly change things! haha

[akind1]

to start out, DS slept in the cosleeper next to the bed, so we have the bed to ourselves. There was once that he woke in the middle, and I nursed him and DH waited patiently and then we got back to business . . . we can't take advantage of naptimes ourselves, since DS doesn't always take a long nap, it is unpredictable. We have put him in the cosleeper, awake, with a couple toys to keep him busy while we DTD during the day.

We haven't got a spare bedroom or couch so those aren't options for us. It is still early yet, give it a little time, your LO will eventually be able to either sleep long enough or play by herself long enough for you and your DH to have some grown-up time.

does she take a bottle at all? if she does, can you pump and leave her, with a bottle, with an aunt, or grandma, or friend, so you and DH can have some uninterrupted alone time? If DS weren't otherwise such a good sleeper, we may have resorted to this.

[mom2happy]

I think its pretty great that you actually really want to right now.
My baby is 9 weeks and one time was enough for now!
It is very hard when you are cosleeping. Ive had a baby or small child in my bed for 7 years straight.
It is a bit of a challenge but the floor works for us. I just cant listen to baby snorting and digesting sounds during the event!
We gave up on the family bed being the place for hot s*x for now.
To me it is just a place of comfort and nurturing, like a nest or something.

Or... there are times when you can put the baby for the first 2 hrs of the night in anther place and use the bed for yourselves till she/he wakes up for a feeding.
I always think of that option, but by the time its 11pm and she finally goes to sleep- I change my mind and just pass out.

[Ninetales]

My baby is four months and we've done it...I think four times. For me, I haven't been into it at all. The first two times were quickies just for him while the baby was in her bouncer on the floor occupying herself. The last two times she fell asleep in her bouncer or stayed asleep in her carseat and we just took advantage of the opportunity.

That's pretty much my plan from now on. Wait for the opportunity.

[ShadowFox]

Originally Posted by praisehimau

we used to do it when the bubs was in bed... Would nurse and then go for it.
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[femalephish]

Wow, 10 weeks is really early. I wouldn't worry, I know it's tough now but it seems like you guys are doing great. We didn't have much sex for the first six months, but things are getting back to normal now.
Hang in there- your child will need you less and entertain herself more as she grows.

[Xavismom]

10 weeks! Omg, DS is 7 months and we still have not DTD. We are too uncomfortable about him being in the same room.

[kittywitty]

I have a really high libido, and we've usually managed to find a way. It can be really hard, though. 10 weeks is still really young. I found baby swings to be an enormous help in keeping my kids asleep long enough to dtd. Not totally AP, I know, but once in awhile, they are lifesavers. Also, if you could start getting baby to get to the conked out (limp, deep sleep) stage and then laying baby down? With my kids if I lay them down sooner than that, the sleep doesn't last long and they get woken easily. Plus there are places other than the bed, thank goodness. I suppose it makes it exciting.

[karika]

Wow. I always had a strong desire pre child, but after.... I could have cared less, until she was about 3 yo... well maybe I enjoyed it a few times after she was over a year.... but I had a dh to think of from 6 wks on, so this.....

Originally Posted by praisehimau

we used to do it when the bubs was in bed... Would nurse to sleep and then go for it.

she would sleep right through. spooning always worked best for us, with baby on my other side. The rocking never bothered her or anything. Heck if a tiny baby wakes up, just put the boob back in their mouth and keep going.

then when she was older and would sleep deeply alone for at least an hour, we would go to the spare bedroom. Then when she was older, she would take a bath (after she passed the competency test for bathing alone of course) and we would be very quiet in the next room (ahem... this was only for a few minutes, it was so long between dh was quick). Then when she got older, I would tell her, we are going into the bedroom for alone time. Watch this tv show (or movie or computer). We locked the br door and had a few minutes.

[texmati]

this is the only reason we have a baby monitor! we nurse to sleep in our room, and then 'hang out' in the nursery. I mean, how long does it take, really?

[Drummer's Wife]

With all four kids, even when co-sleeping with two and tandem nursing, we always found a way. We never waited the full 6 weeks, TBH. It was a bit trickier when we were in a small apartment, but now that we have a big house there are plenty of rooms to go into (we still co-sleep most nights with our youngest who is 3). Honestly, in a lot of ways it has gotten harder as the kids have gotten older. They are more aware, and our kids stay up pretty late - but we still make time together.

[zannster]

I feel that the point of your post is that the baby doesn't sleep away from you. Finding a place and getting busy is not a problem if you have a baby that will let you walk away!

Anyway, my DD is like that too. I can't put her down or nurse her and leave. Either results in her usually waking up in five minutes.

We've considered the following:
- swaddling (not sure exactly how to use it though)
- swing
- babysitter (but who and where?)

We haven't tried any of this yet, so nothing has happened yet for us - at three months. It really doesn't bother me but DH is impatient. Our first, DS, was just like this, and he was 5 months old before I could sneak away from the bed.

[1stTimeMama4-4-10]

Originally Posted by zannster

I feel that the point of your post is that the baby doesn't sleep away from you. Finding a place and getting busy is not a problem if you have a baby that will let you walk away!

Anyway, my DD is like that too. I can't put her down or nurse her and leave. Either results in her usually waking up in five minutes.

Yes, this exactly! She just knows if I'm not next to her and will wake up after a couple minutes.

We have now done it FOUR times! Hooray! She fell asleep on me in the sling and I was able to slip out of it and she didn't wake for about ten minutes. I guess we are just going to have to be really vigilant to find time and motivated to use the opportunities that actually do come along. And we need to get used to it being FAST lol! Thanks for the responses, it makes me feel much more normal.

[~Amy~]

We used to take a drive long enough that DS would fall solidly asleep, then when we got home, we'd bring the infant seat in the house & pray he'd stay asleep in it for 10 or 15 minutes.

[Abraisme]

At that age my DD would only sleep away from me if she was swaddled or in a vibrating bouncy chair. I would get her down and then we'd have a bit of time to dtd before bed. I would say that we manage to dtd 2-3 times a week, which is enough for both of us. You will find a balance. Good luck!