R-e-s-p-e-c-t - Page 2

[NellieKatz]

One_Girl, I really like the way you explained that! And 2xy: I totally agree.

[nd_deadhead]

I'm seeing this from the perspective of having older children (my twin boys are almost 16). I can't tell you the number of times I've bitten off the words "Why don't you just LISTEN to me!!??"

Example: our high school requires students to make up any days of phy ed that they miss. Now I'm not going to get into my thoughts on that; it is what it is. So at the beginning of the semester, I suggested that they do a few make-ups in advance, knowing that they would miss school for one reason or another in the next 18 week. Of course neither thought this made any sense. Sure enough, they both missed school, and were scrambling to complete their make-ups at the end of the semester. Why didn't they do it at the beginning, like I suggested? Because it was MY idea, no doubt. And my kids DO respect me, they value my opinion, and they often listen to (and incorprate) my ideas on things. But sometimes, they just have to figure things out for themselves.

As for learning better from others - I know exactly what you mean! I taught my sons how to ski, and they're pretty good at it, but they reached a point where they weren't progressing. On a ski trip to Montana, I put them in lessons. The instructor told them EXACTLY what I'd been saying for 3 years (at least it sounded the same to me), but when it came from him, they both said "Oh, that makes a lot of sense - I'll have to try that!" Their skiing improved dramatically as they practiced what he taught. While it was too bad that I had to pay for a lesson to get the point across, I was just glad that they figured it out - no matter who they learned it from.

My sons and I had the conversation just last week that we learn a lot more from our own mistakes than by being told what to do. Two years ago my DH took the boys backpacking in the Badlands of western North Dakota. It was hot and dry, and he encouraged them to drink lots and lots of water. Of course they didn't think they needed to drink as much as he said, and they both ended up somewhat dehydrated - which is very uncomfortable. Now they are both diligent about drinking a LOT of water when they're in the heat, or working hard. They will never again let themselves get dehydrated if they can help it - because they've made that mistake once, and once was enough.

My point is that your dd will learn to fold clothes or sew or swim, along with a million other things, whether she does it your way or her way. Maybe it will take longer. Maybe her results will be pretty crappy to start with, and she might be fine with that for quite a while. Eventually she'll either ask for help, or she'll live with her own results. If she pokes her finger enough with a needle, she might ask for guidance - and it will mean a lot more to her when it solves a problem that she has actually experienced.

It sounds to me like she's got a pretty good head on her shoulders. When asked what would happen if she didn't memorize a Bible verse, she understood that there wasn't much of a consequence for her inaction. In her shoes, I would be equally reluctant to invest much time and energy to the task.

Hang in there!

[Marsupialmom]

Originally Posted by fairefaerie

First of all, thanks for all the suggestions!

Secondly, I want to make it clear that this isn't about the Bible verse, it was just the most recent conversation, and I could remember it the most clearly.

The major problem we're having is that she won't take any advice, regardless or what that advice is on. Her grandfather has been trying to teach her to swim (instead of flail like she's drowning); I've been trying to teach her to sew (because she asked), and her grandmother has been trying to teach her how to fold her clothes (because she doesn't want others to do it). In each of these situations, she will not listen to the instruction given to her because, "I don't do it that way!!!!"

The sad fact is, that if we had the money to bring in tutors for each of these situations, she'd follow their instruction to the letter because they are not related to her and have that official "teacher" title.

I'm trying to understand how to get her to respect her family the same way she respects every other adult in her life.

Again, thanks so, so much for the suggestions. I just wanted to clarify the issue.

I don't doubt your child might have had a "tone" but, Honestly I think the issue is y'all are trying to teach.

As long as she will get in the water and play, let it go for now. Or pay someone else to teach her. With safe supervision, most kids will learn by lots of water play.

Folding clothes, why not let her do it her way? What is the big deal if it isn't someone else way?

Some kids do better by "figuring it out on there own". I have a feeling this is your daughter. It also could be she is a perfectionist and your teaching feels more like criticism.

For memorization, get her a recorder (our mp3's) have them and suggest that she says it and repeats it and listen on that. This eliminates you in the process and you seeing mistakes she makes.

Please look into perfectionism.

[hakeber]

As a teacher I know that the very best way for my kids to learn is without a doubt having them figure out the solutions. A lot of the teachers I know teach this way, which could be why she seems to follow thier advice, because they probably don't give much advice.

When I introduce a new skill I show them the expected end result, I explain the criteria of assessment that will be applied to their work and then I let them go through the paces again and again gently guiding or advising until they find a way that works for them.

When my ds thinks I am trying to "teach" him he gets really agressive too and he's only five, so I can see where that is going.

Even my five MONTH old gets pissy when I try to show her how to do something. She looks at me like "Lady, I got this!" and screams her head off if I try to interrupt her concentration. I think it's a valuable trait. Try not to squash it.

I agree with mamazee (Mad props to Mamazee -- I have heard that advice on other topics here from her and I applied it and I am telling you it really works wonders.) give her the words to express her feelings politely and appropriately. just stop the conversation and say "Gee mom, I am feeling a little overwhelmed, can I have some quiet time?" and then look at her expectantly and give a little nod to indicate that you would like her to try it on, and then when she does answer "Okay, hon. Let me know when you're ready to talk again."

Light and breezy.

I swear whenever DS gets snippy with me I try this now and it works like a charm. It's like he forgets sometimes how to be polite (don't we all?) and with just a simple gentle reminder he stops.

I also have to stop DH from pushing it...like "You will learn the letter B or there will be no dessert!!!" I'm going "Dude, chill out. Learning is supposed to be fun, ya know? When it stops being fun it stops being effective. so he makes mistakes or gets distracted and starts doing something else...so what?! You'll get back to it when he's ready, and that might be tomorrow, okay?"

The best thing to do is model polite speak and let her learn her own way. You don't need tutors, she sounds plenty smart to figure stuff out on her own given the necessary tools.

[Awaken]

I haven't read all the responses yet, but subbing because I have felt like crap for days now due to utter lack of respect from my kids. Need to read any and all suggestions on here.