Babysitting -- their way or yours?

[crunchy_mommy]

Well this is kind of irrelevant since I have no need or intention of having anyone babysit DS anytime soon, but I'm still thinking about it & wondering what others think...

I was talking to my mom about grandmas who nanny/babysit their grandkids while their daughters work. And she said something like, "I guess if you had no other options I would do it for you, and I'd make it work, because I would do it my way not yours since I'd be the one watching him."

OK first off, I didn't realize my parenting style was so objectionable & inconvenient to her??? I'm assuming she's referring to no CIO, nurse on demand even if it's 6 times an hour, no TV, no crib/PnP, strict diet, etc....

It also got me pretty nervous because she's been saying how she can't wait 'til she can watch DS on her own or have him sleep over. I don't have the heart to tell her I'm not planning on that happening, I try to allude to it but she just says Oh I know you're not ready now but soon... (DS is 16mos)... but now I worry that when/if that time ever comes, she won't even respect my parenting choices...

But anyway...

I'm just wondering what the expectations are of someone watching your child. Do you expect them to follow your rules 100%? Do you expect occasional exceptions as long as they're not major? Do you expect the caregiver to do things their own way? Does it matter if it's a family member or grandparent, and if they're getting paid or doing it for free???

I guess I was always under the illusion that if someone (especially a grandparent) was watching my child, they'd do their best to stick to my rules. I would expect an occasional lapse (maybe plop him in front of the TV during a particularly tough day or feed him something he wasn't 'supposed' to have because they didn't read the ingredients carefully)... and surely they would play differently, go different places than I might take him, etc. But definitely not that they would just do it all their way... am I nuts???

[Bellabaz]

I guess it depends how strongly you feel about certain things versus how your sitter does things. Okay, if you want your kid on a certain diet then you need to send the food with them to the sitter. We used to send dd1 lunch with her but sometimes she wanted what the babysitter and her fam were having. And we knew our sitter prepared healthy things so it was never a big deal to us. It wasn't like dd1 was getting soda or anything like that. That for me would be a problem.

I think that yes you are the parent and your wishes trump the babysitters', but sometimes we parents need to chill out about stuff too. Like sitter takes the kid to the beach for the day and they have french fries and an ice cream for lunch (assuming there is no food allergy issues,vegan diet or what not). Okay normally that is not stuff we give our kids but its a special outing and its not going to kill them once in awhile. Same thing with tv, if its the third day in a row of rain and they watch 1.5 hours of sesame street, again, they won't be permanently scarred.

[mamazee]

Hmm I guess I have a complicated view of this. Some things are completely not negotiable for me, including spanking, humiliation, etc. I don't think my parents are able to watch children without doing those kinds of things, so they don't babysit.

I think grandparents who are able to work within those guidelines have a bit more leeway than a babysitter you're paying for. So I would relax about a few things, like if they let a child of mine watch TV, so long as it were an occasional thing and not there method of babysitter, I'd relax about that. And so long as the bulk of the diet met my standards, if the grandparents veered from that a bit, I'd be OK with that.

But if I were paying for a babysitter, I'd expect them to follow the guidelines I set out. At least much more closely than grandparents. Like if I told a babysitter what my kids were to eat and the babysitter took them out instead, I'd be upset, but if grandparents did that I wouldn't mind.

IMO the grandparents don't have to do everything just how you would do it for your values to hit home with your kids. Occasional treats from grandma won't ruin your kids or anything. So I guess IMO you could relax a bit on the grandparent stuff, though you should still have some areas that are not negotiable. One of my rules with my inlaws was that my babies not be left to CIO, and they followed that.

Also, for the pack n play issue, it could be that their house isn't as well babyproofed as yours and they'll have to watch your dc constantly. So if they have to go to the bathroom or something, it seems reasonable if they would want to use a pack n play for a short period of time (like two minutes or something) in those cases. I would find that acceptable, but I wouldn't want my dd left in one to sleep.

I guess it's about finding a balance between giving guidelines that are acceptable to you, and micromanging. It's OK to give guidelines, but at some point they could cross the line to micromanagement. Grandparents will have their own unique style with your kids, and their own separate relationship with your kids, and that's OK.

[Alyantavid]

No I don't expect my daycare to do everything the exact same way I do. Our daycare has 7 kids, how in the world would she be able to care for each child the way their parents do?

No, I found someone who's ways work out well with mine. We don't do everything the same, but I'm ok with how she does it.

With grandparents, they do it our way. Mostly out of respect for the fact that I am my kids mom. They raised their kids their way, now it's my way. There are of course, exceptions, like my mom letting my then 7 year old go across a store to the bathroom by himself when I would never do that. But for the most part, they're very respectful of our choices.

[linchi]

Before we even thought about having kids we stopped letting Grandma dogsit. She couldn't follow the rules we had in place for the safety of our hound. Our dog is a greyhound and needs to be on a leash when walked. Well, wouldn't ya know but she 'escaped' from her a couple of times while off-leash. It's not so easy to catch the second fastest mammal on the planet, especially when you don't want your shoes to get dirty. Luckily our dog came back, twice! That was it for that.

Now that we have a child (a little guy still) I don't know if we'd leave him with her. Obviously it would depend on a lot. She wouldn't try to endanger him, but I could totally see her feeding him something that she knows we wouldn't approve of. We'd have boundaries set up for sure, knowing what we'd budge on (ie. bed time) and what are deal breakers for us (ie. food sensitivities).

[peainthepod]

I think if you're paying someone to care for your child(ren), you have a lot more say than if someone is doing it as a favor to you. And grandparents are supposed to spoil kids a little bit, so the occasional sugary treat or late bedtime wouldn't bother me. But some things are completely non-negotiable for us, like proper car seat/seatbelt use, CIO, spanking, refusing to co-sleep on overnight visits, punitive/humiliating discipline/verbal abuse, and certain foods are off-limits no matter what. So if those basic boundaries were violated, the caregiver would no longer be trusted to care for our child.

Being related to someone doesn't mean they don't have to respect your parental rights and decisions. I find your mother's assertion that she would do it "her way" over your objections a little disturbing. And if this sort of intentional boundary violation is common with her, I probably wouldn't leave my children in her care unsupervised. You are the mama, so you make the rules. She has to respect that or she loses the privilege of spending time alone with your children, IMHO.

[new2this]

I think a lot depends on the type of babysitting setting. There are some things that I expect to be followed and if food allergies were an issue then that would be included in the list. However if I was putting my child in a daycare setting I wouldn't expect them to cater to every single thing that I do that is just to hard to do with many kids.

Grandparents/family members other types of people in that line. While I wouldn't expect them to do everything the same as us; however I would expect a common ground on certain things like no smoking around our child and things of that nature.

Overall is when I chose someone to watch our child it is because I have a trust in them that my child isn't going to be hurt or neglected even if they do things differently then what we may do.

[One_Girl]

Grandparents generally watch kids for free and when someone is doing you a favor by watching your child for free, especially if it happens frequently, then they do things their way. It may be that your mom doesn't object to your parenting style but was only setting out ground rules so she isn't inundated with a list of what she can and can't do if she watches your child. My mom is awesome with my dd and her way isn't significantly different from my way. My dd has no medical issues that require a strict diet 100% of the time and my mom was great about comforting dd when she needed it so we never had an issue. As my dd has gotten older I have even less of a problem letting her stay with people who have opposite parenting views. She would only cry now if she is seriously hurt and I really don't care if she spends a day eating junk food and watching movies at her age. As long as she is safe and happy to go I am fine with her spending an occassional day away from me.

[nextcommercial]

I think it's best to find someone who agrees with your way of parenting. My sister in law did everything the exact opposite. Her kids are wonderful adults now, so I suppose in the long run it was fine. But, I wouldn't leave my young child with her. I already knew she would do things her way. So, I left my daughter with my mom instead.

If I am using free childcare while I work... then, yes.. I think Grandma is probably going to use a mix of my ideas and her ideas. I wouldn't expect someone to change everything they know and believe just to accomodate me. I would instead find someone who is closer to my parenting style.

I also don't think that spending the night with grandma and having her turn the tv on, or feed her cheetos is going to make a huge long term difference in who my child grows up to be. So, I think I was more flexible about many things.

[waiting2bemommy]

When my mom babysits ds I let a lot of things go because I value their having a relationship very much. She is very good about not giving him foods that I don't allow (mainly food coloring, we avoid HFCS) but she is definitely the manipulative/controlling type in other ways, so I just have learned to either let it go while he's over there, or not have her watch my kids.

If I'm paying someone to watch my children then I expect things to be done my way. However, I leave the food already prepared, easy activities accessible, and a written schedule. I'm not going to flip out if things don't go exactly as planned, because as a former nanny I know that kids sometimes act differently for different caregivers, or things just happen that chagne the course of the day.

some things though are pretty much non negotiable expectations: naptimes (the sitter can't force my child to sleep, but I expect an effort to be made), feeding the foods I leave or at least not giving forbidden foods, holding/wearing my infant as much as she needs, and not letting my ds play outside alone (I do it, but I don't want anyone else doing it.) I don't think that's too much to ask.

If I had a sitter who was constantly depending on the TV as a sitter, that would be an issue too, but I don't think a little TV, or a little junk food or whatever, is going to ruin my child's life, paid sitter or not. I did however have a coming to jesus talk with my mother about her constantly putting my ds in diapers months after he was potty trained.

[Areia]

My mom watches my DD while we work. Knowing my parents, I expected some "treats" I didn't approve of 100% (like the occasional sweet or a little TV) and honestly, that was fine with us and I knew I'd have to adjust things at home a bit to compensate for that, but on the big things, they absolutely had to be on board with us.

In our case, this was no smoking in the house, no CIO and, when she was older, no spanking. Thankfully, it's working really well. Not only did my dad stop smoking in the house way before DD was born, he also stopped smoking in the car because they wanted to be able to take her on longer outings during the day and they were horrified at the thought of CIO and spanking their grandchild (although they did use these with us).

I had a back up plan in place and would have been prepared to switch to a different sitter. I wouldn't have been angry about it or blocked access to DD, but we couldn't compromise on these. I absolutely trust my parents. If my mom isn't sure about something, she'll call and ask me about it. If she thinks that perhaps I'm being too rigid or something, she'll offer her views and advice, but she'll go along with our final decision even if she doesn't personally agree.

[laohaire]

It's both.

You can ask someone to do something your way. They might comply. They might not. Ultimately it's up to you to decide what you're ok with.

There is no law that says a grandparent has to listen if you specify no sugary beverages or even no spanking. It's up to you as a parent to judge whether you trust a person to babysit or not. If you don't trust them, they should not babysit your child.

It's reality that your babysitter won't do things exactly the way you would. So to some extent, if you want a babysitter, you have to accept that. But only to some extent. You are the parent, and you decide what that extent is. But the point is that if you're wondering if grandparents HAVE to babysit the way you want them to, the answer is no. The area in which you have control is deciding WHETHER they will babysit or not. It's more than reasonable, imho, to not permit someone to babysit a child who has stated they will spank. Find another babysitter.

[Joyster]

It depends on what the issues are. If there were discipline issues I disagreed with, they weren't safe or competent or were feeding something I wholly objected to, then no. My two DS just spent Friday and Saturday with their grandparents, my biggest objection is that they had my nearly 5 year old DS in the double stroller. It's not a make or break issue though even if it makes my eye twitch! They sometimes get ice cream, more cookies than I would allow, sometimes candy. They get away with a bit more with their grandparents. My DS2 has my mother completely wrapped around his finger and he knows it, but grandparent indulgences aren't a big deal for me, so long as they're not terribly detrimental. Really, they generally eat healthier and are under stricter care with inlaws than with DH who is a bit of a softy and would probably order pizza for "Guys night in!"

With professional caregivers, I do expect more in return because I'm paying them. My guys go to a Montessori, it was important for me to find one that has our values and that they would be respected, positively reinforced and encouraged. Sometimes they do require downtime, and while yes, I'd love for it to be a perfect replica of what I'd do, I also realize that the teachers have 5-8 other kids to deal with at the same time, so I have to be a bit reasonable on my part too. However in the end, the ideas and values of how something is handled, is a decent match to ours so we're pretty comfortable. We also feel like we have to be comfortable discussing when there is a problem. With our kids, I feel like we have a partnership with our school, because we can work on any issues that come up together and will coordinate. I guess ultimately we have the upper hand as we pay for our two kids to go there, but because it's such a good place and such a good match to our beliefs, it feels more like a 50/50 scenario.

[blizzard_babe]

Hmm... I guess a little of both (though we live far from our parents so it's not a common thing). There are things that are non-negotiable (no CIO, no spanking, etc.) and then there are things that I can accept because both sets of grandparents are loving, capable caregivers. At my IL's house, he will watch way more TV than he would at home, and he'll have access to any number of flashing, noise-making toys. At my parents' house, he'll hear a lot of "good job!" for tiny little things that arent really praise-worthy and at BOTH houses I have to be pretty prescriptive when it comes to food, but also realize that they'll get "Grandma treats" from time to time.

So, you know... happy medium.

[texmati]

ITA with everyone else. Esp in the case of grandma's, I let somethings go, because I belive the grandparent-kiddo relationship is important. For thing that are non-negotiable, I let them know up front.

My parents and I pretty much on the same page about picking him up when he cry's ect. They view their job as spoiling him until he actually is rotten. I'm ok with that, except for food. I just lay down the law-- He's only allowed to have stuff that I make for him. period. For someone to sit for him, I expect them to have some respect for me.

[crunchy_mommy]

Good to hear everyone's thoughts!

Originally Posted by laohaire

It's reality that your babysitter won't do things exactly the way you would. So to some extent, if you want a babysitter, you have to accept that. But only to some extent. You are the parent, and you decide what that extent is. But the point is that if you're wondering if grandparents HAVE to babysit the way you want them to, the answer is no. The area in which you have control is deciding WHETHER they will babysit or not. It's more than reasonable, imho, to not permit someone to babysit a child who has stated they will spank. Find another babysitter.

Well I know legally they don't *have* to do anything. I guess I was just wondering how common it was for grandparents to do it 'their way' or if others would feel disrespected if a grandparent or sitter insisted on only their way. I guess just wondering whether my expectations were realistic or crazy!

Thankfully this is only a theoretical issue at this point...which actually is probably part of the discrepancy, because in our conversation it was if *I* needed her to babysit but in reality it would more likely be *her* choosing (BEGGING) to babysit so in those 2 cases I would have slightly different expectations.

I would consider things like CIO & our vegan diet to be non-negotiable, but I'd definitely be more flexible on other things, but then again I'd still probably be mad (or at least annoyed) if some of those other 'rules' were broken.

I wouldn't even let her watch him at this age anyway because she physically can't keep up with him & probably could NOT keep him 100% safe. But I'm reluctant even down the line...

[limabean]

It depends on so many factors. If the babysitter in question disagreed with things I consider crucial (like CIO), then I would have to be reassured that they'd do it my way or I wouldn't have them watch my child. But if they just wanted to give them cookies after dinner or let them stay up late or some other thing that's not a big deal to me, I'd be fine with them doing it their way and I wouldn't worry about it.

For my kids' grandparents, we see eye-to-eye on all the major issues, so it's never been a problem -- the grandparents do it their way, which happens to be close enough to my way that it works out great.

With paid, non-family babysitters like the teenager down the street, I'm much more blunt about giving them specific directives and telling them to do things my way. Also, if I had someone watching my kids full time while I worked, I think I'd want us to be in fairly close alignment, since even things like cookies and staying up late shouldn't really become a daily habit -- if they were going to be spending a significant amount of time babysitting my kids, I'd expect them to exercise moderation when it came to treats.

[NYCVeg]

Like others, I think it depends--I'm flexible on certain rules, less so on others.

We generally hire college student babysitters, and I expect them to follow my rules pretty much to the letter. Because of dd's food allergies, many of these rules are essential to keeping her safe.

With grandparents, I'm flexible about more stuff--treats, TV, bedtime, etc. I know that if I say X is for dinner, they'll feed her X--but that she might get (allergen-free) cookies or ice cream, too. I might be stricter about food, but dd's extensive allergies mean that the grandparents can't really go hog wild. I mean, they can give her some safe treats that we provide, but they can't just ditch the meal we've provided and take her to McDonald's. We don't have a TV at home (although we do watch DVDs), so it's a big treat for her to be able to watch one or two of the age-appropriate shows that her school friends watch. I do think that part of the fun of staying with Grandma is that dd gets spoiled a bit.

However, I would NEVER negotiate on things like spanking, car seats, etc. If I couldn't trust dd's grandparents about stuff like this, I wouldn't let her stay with them, period.

[laohaire]

Originally Posted by crunchy_mommy

Well I know legally they don't *have* to do anything. I guess I was just wondering how common it was for grandparents to do it 'their way' or if others would feel disrespected if a grandparent or sitter insisted on only their way. I guess just wondering whether my expectations were realistic or crazy!

Oh, I know you didn't think there was a law, maybe I should say there was no particular custom either.

It's like any relationship - some people will respect you and some won't. Some people will accommodate your wishes and some won't. And the ones who won't, you decide whether to continue the relationship or not.

Your expectations aren't crazy. I wouldn't let your mom babysit my kiddo.

[eclipse]

When I was working fulltime and my oldest two were littles, my mom watched them a couple of days a week while dh and I were both at work. I was lucky in that my mother was a non-spanking co-sleeping non-CIO mom - those were some of my biggest non-negotiable issues, and we didn't have to worry about them. There were other things that I had to address as they came up - giving my ds the formual I'd left in case of emergency rather than the breastmilk I'd left in her freezer because it was "easier" than defrosting the milk (she didn't breastfeed us), giving ds full concentration juice and "tastes" of ice cream at 4 months old, etc. There were other things I let go - since I knew she wouldn't let him CIO, I let her try to use the pack and play to lay him down for naps, and she found out very quickly that he wasn't having any part of it (but dd slept well in it), she didn't change ds' diaper as a toddler frequently enough, so I sent him in pull ups so he wouldn't risk a rash, more TV than we watched at home, she wasn't comfortable babywearing, etc.

Like others, though, if I were paying someone (especially in a babysitter or nanny in the home type situation as opposed to a day care center with lots of kids), I would expect a lot more of my rules to be adhered to. I wouldn't expect them to do everything my way, because I don't even expect my husband to do things my way and I think caregivers and children need to feel each other out and figure out what sort of rhythm and routine works best between them. But I'd be more likely to firmly address things like not changing diapers frequently enough, types of food offered, how much screen time the kids were having, etc with a paid caregiver.

I would have to have a serious boundary drawing chat with a family member who told me they would do it "their way" to find out exactly what that meant. If I wasn't comfortable with their intentions and they weren't willing to concede on the issues I felt strongly about, I would find some one else to watch my kids.