LONG: Could someone PLEASE help me figure out what's going on with our DS???

[Bearsmama]

Hi everyone. As background, our son is 26 months, very bright, very, very spirited, and has been since birth. He has ALWAYS been what I call "sleep challenged". Our little family has been under quite a bit of stress lately. There are some personal issues happening right now that I do not want to necessarily re-hash, but suffice to say that we are at our emotional limits lately (I will say that one of these stressors is that DH lost his job about 5 weeks ago). So, there is definitely an increased stress level in our home. Thought this might help you all determine whether DS's behavior is solely stress-related, or not.

For the past week straight, our co-sleeping DS will wake at about the same time in the middle of the night (usually between 12-1) and seem highly frustrated. I will try to comfort him to to which he gets VERY aggressive-smacking, pulling hair, and pushing our bodies. We've tried talking to him gently, rubbing his back, holding him tightly, talking to him LOUDLY to see if he is actually asleep and needs to wake from a bad dream, leaving him alone for a minute or two, giving him water, offering to hold him, etc., etc. He wants NONE of this, but if I leave to use the bathroom during these episodes, or leave to clear my head, he SCREAMS for me. He also SCREAMS for me if I decide to use another tactic which may involve me moving away from him to protect myself. And oh, i have yelled, too. It is very, very horribile to wake up to a child physically hurting you.

Last night he screamed and wailed for almost an hour and a half (I'm not exxaggerating-we watched the clock). We tried everything to comfort him, but also had to avoid being hurt. We finally laid down in bed and let him wail and flail between us while covering our heads. Finally, I had to leave the room and try to move to the downstairs couch. I couldn't hear it anymore. DS followed me down and slept calmly on the couch with me until 6:30 this morning.

I don't believe that these are night terrors-he's had these before and they have an END. Honestly, most nights it *feels*like it will go on all night. I've thought about them being nightmares, too, but he is coherent. Sometimes rambling about what he wants for dinner, or what he wants to do (last night it was to watch The Wiggles. DS watches very little TV, but will now mention something that he likes. We had to flick on the tv and *show* him that everything was *sleeping*.

His behavior during the day is a bit changed, too. His frustration level is very, very low. He doesn't understand any limits (for instance, at 6:30 am he wants to read a book, I say that I can't see it in the dark of the downstairs and that I have to use the bathroom, but as soon as I'm back I'll be happy to read it and he cries, wails, etc.) He is also having trouble with getting in and out of his carseat, but this has been an ongoing thing and I don't think connected. During the rest of the day, he is quick to cry if he doesn't get his way (which I thin is fairly normal 2yo behavior.


He seems to not know what he wants/needs. I try to verbalize for him, acknowledge his feelings as much as humanly possible, to no avail. Especially in the middle of the night. I say to him that mommy and daddy are here for him, and we want to know what's wrong, what's hurting, etc.

Another few pieces of background-his diet hasn't changed-eats okay-all healthy stuff, just not usually too much of anything. He had a brief stomach bug last weeked. He is not sick now. No fever. Although he may be getting the rest of his molars. I've used Hylands for this, and last night even a little motrin b/c he actually asked for "medicine" before bed. I don't *think* teething could produce such drastic behavior-and DS has been seriously affected by getting teeth before, but NOTHING like this.

We've done everything "right"; we've co-slept since birth, I am still nursing 1-2x/day, we try to practice GD. We were, I thought, a very close unit. Yesterday, I really thought he might be losing his mind. These nighttime episodes are affecting him, obviously, too. He doesn't get a good night's sleep and seems a little *unhappy* during the day.

I am also 19 weeks pregnant with our 2nd child. We've mentioned it to DS, but we don't make a big deal about it.

Whew! I am sorry for the novel, but we are DESPERATE to figure out what's going on. We are getting no sleep, feeling like we can't even appreciate our little one in the same way b/c it has been such a trying time, and wishing like HECK we could figure it all out. It is horrible to see DS so unhappy, and DH and I are easily slipping into sadness about everything.

TIA for any insight you can provide.

[AmandasMom]

I don't have any advice, but I just wanted to give you a . I'm so sorry you are going through this...

[Bearsmama]

Amandasmom-Thanks so much for the hug. I need it right now...and the support.

[lauraess]

poor family *hugs*
From what you wrote it really sounds to me like you have a conglomeration of factors just coming together and your dear sensitive child is feeling it and acting it out in the only way he can. I thnk under these circumstances the best you can do for him is to make sure YOU are STRONG In your convictions and faith. If he is feeling scared over the uncertainty of things in his life, since kids really do understand so much with their feeling sense, than he is looking to you for support and strength. You could give yourself some breaks, some support from others, freinds, relatives, Dh and you can take turns getting out and doing inspiring activities and/or relaxing things ( Yoga, Classes, workshops, expercise, or just doing something you've always wanted to do)
As a two yr old with all this going on his growing body and mind he needs his parents and the fact that he want you there in the room but not right on him or touching him might be indicating that this is his way of dealing. someone out there has info about the special kind of holding that is used in certain situations that involves "bear hugging to prevent flailing until they calm down"--
SOMEONE????? maybe do a search on Hugging/restraining ???
This is really my opinion and i hope you find a solution.
Please have faith and keep talking about it
Laura

[Bearsmama]

Lauraess-Thanks very much for your reply & support. I think you are right, perhaps this is a mix of things-teething, our big stresses, his growing and changing little mind & body, etc., etc. We are trying SO hard to stay strong, but it is very difficult. DS has seen us very sad over the past few days, and sometimes short tempered. We don't have much help with him, so finding others to step in is not that easy. I agree that he needs calm, safe-feeling parentes right now. Unfortunately, we are dealing with some personal issues that are FILLED with uncertainty, and it is hard to shield that from DS.

Yesterday he saw me break down and cry. I don't know how much of our *stuff* is okay to give off to him, and yet, I don't know how in the WORLD to *pretend* that all is well. I don't know how to do that.

I just hope that this stress is not irrevocably changing him or scarring him:

[PumpkinSeeds]

My son was like this for a couple of months right after he turned two. THen suddenly it got better, and it didn't seem related to anything really in particular I did. Did you read my other post in your other thread?


About the frustration thing, my ds is/was like that. I have just have to let him be frustrated sometimes. When I see him having a complete meltdown because the train fell off the track, and he wants ME to pick it up, I just say, "oh, the train fell off the track. I know you know how to pick it up. If you want to play with the train, you have to pick it up" And then I just let him melt down about it.

What can I do? I don't want him to be so fragile that the smallest thing will set him off and that my dh and I have to walk on eggshells all the time because he might melt down. Frustration is a part of life and he's gotta learn his own way to deal with it.

Yesterday after the train incident, he finally decided to put the train away because it wasn't worth the meltdown, and went to play with something else. Yeah, it was tough for me, I could've just picked up the train piece and avoided all that screaming, but then I feel he's not learning to cope with his frustration.

I can see my ds personality becoming very perfectionist in nature and that everything has to be a very certain way or else he falls apart. Life is not like that, so he's gonna have to learn a few coping skills.

About the nightwaking thing. I don't know what to tell you. That is frustrating, and I would probably have gone to sleep on the couch too.

I don't think you can say you did anything wrong by his upbrining. It's not like you can say, I AP'ed and look what happened. Your son is growing up and going through stages. Some stages are easier than others and none of them last forever.

Good luck. I know how hard it can be. I completely APed my son and compared to other children's easy going manner, my ds has really put me through the ringer. It's just his personality.

[cloudspinning]

s

Your email was eerily similar to my own dd's toddlerhood. We've always had sleeping difficulties, but around 16-18 months she had her first "night terror". Similar to what your ds is doing, except that she really didn't seem awake. After about 20 minutes she would become coherent, but still unable to settle. Those were some rough times. It's horrible to have them so upset when everyone is out of it in the middle of the night, and it colored our whole existance at the time. Especially when you feel bad for going to the bathroom or needing some space. I too did everything "right"...cosleeping, no vax, GD, healthy diet, nursed until 3 1/2, etc. I consoled myself with, "well, if she was on formula and in a crib it would be worse..."

That said, the only possible cause I could come up with was stress. We moved a lot, and the episodes always seemed to happen about 3-4 weeks afterwards (and interestingly, they seemed to happen about a week after she would get over her "moving cold" as I started calling them.). Dd is also very spirited and sensitive, and I think she was channeling her distress into those "episodes". Now she's 5 1/2 and very verbal. She doesn't have the inconsolability anymore, but she does have nightmares on occasion. She can talk about them, so they end up being not so scary.

Some things that I have found to be helpful, that I have slowly figured out over the years (hopefully you will find some that will work for you and you won't have as lengthy a struggle)...

homeopathic Quietude made by Boiron (we've also had success with Calms Forte by Hyland's, and Rescue Remedy by Bach's, although neither have been quite as good as Quietude, although I'm sure that is very individual) before bed and also if she wakes in the night
Getting outside a lot, with lots of running and exercise, but not in the late afternoon
creating a ritual for bedtime. And now that I think about it, I think if you could create a ritual for when he night-wakes it might help, like maybe as soon as he is able/calm enough to be carried, take him to the bathroom with you, go get a drink of water, sit and read a book and then back to bed (or have your dh do it). If you're consistant maybe it would be soothing when he's frightened. But, I have to say that in retrospect I would have been more firm about the going back to bed part. I wasn't because I was surging with adrenaline so I figured I might as well stay up. But then she was expecting to be up the rest of the night and it would mess us up for weeks afterward. If it's too hard for him to go back in the room is there another bedroom/bed you could go to?
I found that talking/asking about the episodes right after they happened just distressed her more, so talk about them the next day. Stick with the soothing, we're here, we love you, you're safe kind of stuff.

Things I wished I had done/still want to try (to help with her nightmares)

Going to a homeopathic doctor to get a constitutional, sort of a whole-person remedy to right imbalances
Going to a chiropractor or cranio-sacral therapist. My ds had colic and we brought him to masseuse trained in cranio-sacral and it was gone in 3 treatments, and I've heard positive results from chiropractic as well.
Having a white noise machine or cd player in the bedroom that will play soothing noise (waves are my favorite)

I'm not sure how this will work for you, since he's so much younger, but something that I've been trying within the last year that has been helping is working with her to change her dreams. If she starts fidgeting and getting antsy but isn't awake I'll say, "It's okay, I'm here, you're okay. Change your dream, dream about (then I'll say something I know she's love, making it as detailed as possible)" I actually got this idea from Blue's Clues. The last time I tried it, I told her to dream about flying a kite in the park with her Golden Retriever (that she desperately wants but we can't get yet). I was very detailed, calling the dog by name (Goldie, of course!) mentioning the wind blowing her hair and the dog's fur, and sunlight warming her, the dog letting out a bark and chuffing, and so on. I put my hand on her, also, which helps connect her to me/the new dream. She slipped back into her nightmare a couple of times, but I would just repeat the new dream to her, and she would settle again. When she woke up she had dreamed just what I had said. I'm hoping that one day she will do it herself automatically.

Anyhow, my ds is wreaking havoc so I need to go, but hopefully I've given you some ideas. s to you, I know how awful it is!

namaste,
Brenda

[Bearsmama]

Hi Pumpkin-Yes, I am trying to catch up with all the posts-I've been off the computer the past few days as we grapple with some stuff. Thank you for responding to both of these threads, Pumpkin. Although they are different issues, I think the BIG issue is the same. I've had such a hard time dealing with DS's personality from the start-and as you said about your son, all the AP stuff didn't make a difference and CAN'T of course, make a difference in personality. They are just wired to be who they are. When DS was colicky as a babe, I used to think, "Well, I'm virtually living with him on my body, nursing round the clock and responding to his every need, shouldn't he STOP crying now?". It's hard to have any perspective as a first-time mom. The tantrums, night wakings/terror-type things are all so severe that we are finding ourselves scratching our heads wondering if something is *wrong*-like seriously WRONG with him. I know that there probably isn't, but I've neverbeen thru anything like this in my life. And I've been thru some tough stuff in my life, but this all takes the cake.

We just got back from the mall, which we RARELY go to, but we didn't have any plans, and there are some fun things for DS to look at, etc. Well, of course, a HUGE tantrum occurred in the middle of the mall. DH had to carry him kicking and screaming out of the place and then we waited 1/2 hour with DS refusing to get in the carseat. Then, we had to forcefully put him in, which I HATE. He only finally fell asleep about 1/2 way home. And the WORST part is seeing him this way. OUt of control, seemingly not happy about anything, and then crashing and looking completely debilitated from the whole thing-eyes roilling back in his head, whimpering, etc. Horrible, horrible, horrible. I know I have to remind myself that this is phase, but it is tough b/c sometimes I really worry that it isn't. Like perhaps his stuff is not normal. It does not seem in the realm of normal to me. Also, I wish I had that crystal ball that would enable me to see him at your DDs age being a healthy kid.

Cloudspinning-Thank you, thank you, thank. You are really making me feel not alone. And as I've said above, I really wonder when we're carrying out a screaming toddler from almost every place we go-including the park sometimes-if other kids tantrums/meltdowns/episodes are truly like my DS's??? Did you wonder this yourself?

Your suggestions really sound great to me. B/c we've had this happen for a a litttle while now, we are getting better at staying calm. Not great, but better. And we always tell him how much we love him, how we're there for him, even when he's pushing us away or trying to hurt us in the middle of the night.

I know that this is somewhat, of not entirely stress -related. And I feel such guilt about that, like somehow I am supposed to be able to shield him from everything. But I never in a million years that that I would be wondering about my little baby's stress level!

I will try the Boiron, as I've used other products from them before (for me, not DS). I've also thought about chiropractic care as well. I want us all to get thru this stage unscathed. I know me and DH will have some wounds, but I don't want DS to! He is the most intense little guy I know. Everyone tells me how special he is-incredibly smart and verbal. I just wish he could talk about his feelings at this point, or even listen to reason! But I know that's not possible.

I will refer to your post as I'm sure this is not the end of this stuff. And try your suggestions. If you think of anything else that worked for you, please let me know. Thank you, thank you, thank you. I really don't know what I'd do without this strong community!!

[grisandole]

I want to ditto everything that cloudspinning said. My ds goes through this on occasion, just like your ds, and we find that it does occur when we're all stressed and/or angry.

Homeopathy works very well when he does it, Hyland's Calms Forte or Nerve Tonic. Also, for our ds, turning on Barney and giving him a rice cake calms him down. Eventually, he will go back to sleep.

I hope you can figure out something that helps. It isn't possible to be stress free all the time; and it's so hard when we have super sensitive children. Hugs to your family!


Kristi

[cumulus]

Perhaps with stress there comes difficulty sleeping which results in a lack of sleep, leading to a day of decreased tolerance and upset and stress, followed by poor sleep etc. creating a viscous cycle. Perhaps you could make the next few daytimes all about one thing: that night. Have you seen that commercial where the young guy with his new car babysits two kids for a day taking them everywhere, running them up hills, taking them to gymnasiums and the like so that when the parents get the kids they're both sound asleep? You might design the day all about creating the most tired, contented little boy you can manage for that night. Exercise, meals, stories, slow-down time all geared towards a good, long night's sleep. The Dutch arrange their days thus - their kids I recall sleep an hour more than ours every day on average.
Also there's that great quote about how regular meditation of a certain amount is essential every day but when your really busy twice as much meditation is needed.

[merpk]

Bearsmama among all the good suggestions, there's one thing that also stuck out at me from your OP ... you're 19 weeks pregnant.

You probably don't have much milk at this point ... and the taste of what's there certainly changed quite some time ago.

My kids *always* get a little stressed when that happens. And get mad at me, too. And we've had nighttime incidents similar to yours, for days and nights and weeks on end, that we've related to it (as we don't nightwean).

Combining that with the incredible stress level in your home that you've described, is enough to make any child ... and particularly a toddler ... feel very unstable and uneasy about the world ...



No real advice, just hopes for your little one's peace ...

[BAU3]

my ds also did this around that age.. although not as frequently and it woyldn't last as long...
I always felt it had something to do with feelings he has during the day (yes..stress,too.) I felt that he didn't know how to identify and therefore process his feelings and a sensed a control thing,too. I always tried to help him identify his feelings during these episodes.. like I'd say you're really angry/frustrated/scared right now.. it seemed to help a bit.. I think that sometimes strong emotion can be scary and overwhelming for a child.. they don't know what it is they're feeling.maybe trying to describe his feelings for him...
I also tried being more consistant withour day.... Ithought he needed more predictability... not ever knowing whats going to hapen next can be pretty stressful.

i do know that these night episodes did come to an end as he got older...

[Red]

A few things that might help.

First we have an unemployed thread going on 'finding your tribe'. Come on by for some support.

You say you've 'done everything right'. Ahh I'm giggling! Everything??? Of course you haven't! Everyone is human, everyone makes mistakes. And perfect parenting does not turn out perfect children. Even perfect paretns turn out kids who are evil teenagers, wicked bullies, or little terrors. Your baby isn't a blank slate, he's himself.

That being said, you have a problem. I would point out to DS that it is NOT ok to hit mummy or daddy, even in the middle of the night, even if you're upset. Tell him that if he hits you, one of you will have to sleep elsewhere. The couch is a great idea, or a bed in another room. If he follows you, fine. He may join you as long as he lays right down and goes to sleep. (tell him that!) Being firm is not being mean. Also, this might be a good time to bring a mattress into your room, to extend that bed. When the new babe comes, things will get quite crowded. If you bring it in now, he'll have time to get used to it, and you'll have somewhere to get out of his way.

Don't worry about showing your feelings. While crying all the time in front of him would be bad, occassionally breaking down is normal. Even grown-ups have a bad day, now and then. Having a bad day, or a few doesn't make you a bad parent and won't ruin him! Kids are resilient and need to know how to roll with the punches, so to speak.

In the middle of the night, I would be matter-of-fact. 'Oh, poor baby. Having trouble sleeping? Want to snuggle?' If he continues to scream and doesn't want to be held, so be it. I'd roll over and pretend to sleep. I would not cover my head with a pillow and allow him to hit me and scream. Try to look at it from his point of view...what does that teach/show him? That if you blow Moms mind, she sticks her head under a pillow and let's you hit her?

Sorry, this part bothers me for a reason. My friend wouldn't tell her sons not to hit her when they were small, and slowly let them disrespect her in other ways, like calling her by her first name(all the time), telling her she was a dummy, etc. When they came to visit, they were confused about why they couldn't disrespect me ! I had kids, and I wasn't going to have them think they could do it too. If they told me I was a dummy, and there was more to it, I just ignored them, Like "hey Dummy, get me a cookie' Starve, brat, I'd think. When they wouold get angry with me, I'd gently explain that I didn't like to be treated that way, after all, I didn't treat them that way. And I wouldn't let their mother have the darn cookie for them either. They always came over and asked nicely after a few minutes. They were little control freaks by the time they were 4, screaming 5 minutes after we'd get into the car that they had to go to the bathroom, in a real bathroom (We live in a very rural place, they knew there were no bathrooms. If we weent back home togo, they'd do it again a few minutes later. Their mom would either cater to them, or ignore them, and they'd be screaming like nothing I can describe here. It was horrible. When they were 5 I pulled the car over and told them if they didn't stop, they were getting out, (with their mom!). They shut up and took naps. I still feel guilty about it! Now they are horrible, nasty mean 15 yo with theri mother. They swear, throw things, even hit her. She never said they couldn't, right? When they're with me? What lovely young men, as long as their mother isn't around. THey are sweet, kind, helpful and fun. One of them stayed with me for a month last summer, we had a great time, I never had to speak to him about anything!

Oh-oh, I'm rambling! It's the Sunday morning cuppa tea and quiet time doing it!

Anyway, I think it's important to set limits, and to do it early, but gently. I'd be commpassioate and helpful, but if that ticked him off, I wouldn't allow him to hit me!

Don't be afraid of scarring him! You love him! That comes through in everything you do. That's why mothers who parent different than you do can still raise great people, the love they have comes through. But it's not your job to make sure he loves you, or agrees with you, or is happy all of the time.

I'd give him something for teething for a few nights, molars are harder than other teeth. And I don't know about this, can you pass hormones from being preggers through your brest milk?????Some one here would know. It would explain a lot!

Give yourself a break. Your preggers, unemployed and aren't getting any sleep, of course your edgy! It will all work out fine. I swear! Can you get unemployment?

Breathe. Take a walk, sneak a nap. Be patient with yourself. And know that this too shall pass.

Sorry for ranting!

[lab]

I bet I know EXACTLY what this is!

On the nights that your son does this, has he had a busy day. Or a long day? I bet he is overtired!

My 10 year old still does this. He overtiredness (is that a word?) manifests itself into his legs. And he becomes an absolute nightmare! Now that he is older, he communicates better but it is still misery for both of us.

He seems literally mad and will clench his fists and toes. And growl and stretch out. It took me a while but it appears that when he gets over tired or has a long stressful day, his body wakes him up in the middle of the night. I briefly read about a chemical that your body makes and only sleep can get rid of it (I am totally paraphrasing from memory - I read about around 6 years ago so stay with me!) If you play or work too hard during the day and go to bed late then the chemical builds up in your system. This build up prevents you from getting a restful sleep.

I can always tell ahead of time when my ds is going to do this (I've got 10 years on ya! ) because he will complain that his legs are tired before bedtime! Since I know it's his legs, we get motrin and ice packs when he wakes up and I stay with him until either the motrin kicks in or the falls back asleep.

I totally sympathize with you, it is very frustrating for me. I get angry when I get woke up! Plus I just want to go back to bed and for a long time I couldn't understand why he just couldn't go back to sleep! YKWIM! Ask your son some questions the next morning. Ask him if something hurts at night. Sometimes, it doesn't matter what I do, my ds just can't be calmed.

I feel for ya! Good luck!

I just read Red's post and I have to respectfully disagree. I'm sorry Red! It's just that my son is the same way and I know that he is not trying to be ugly to me. Now he has NEVER hit me, BUT the OP ds is 2 years old. And a 2 year old doesn't communicate well. They are physical (my son has NEVER hit me btw). It really sounds like your son, Bearsmama, is having a hard time communicating. I really don't know what sort of limits and boundries you have in place, maybe Red is correct about that aspect of it, but I really believe the nighttime waking is part of an overtired child! FWIW - I am a strong advocate of setting boundries and letting children know what is expected of them. That alone will clear up a lot of communication problems for a 2 year old. They know what to expect and don't get frustrated as easily. My ds was actually an angel as a toddler and still is, so I can't comment on the other problems you are having (we don't need to speak of my dd!).

I hope all of it works out! Feel free to pm me if you want more info on the things I do at night when my son wakes!

[Threefold]

I don't have much time, but I want to say I agree with merpk's post.
I am 20 weeks pg and my ds (3yo) has begun to have some nightime waking, which he hasn't done since he nightweaned in August.
He also feels and sees the changes in my body and is very intune with the fact that life is going to change when the baby comes. He's excited, but unsure too.
Even if you haven't talked about the baby with your ds, he's probably picking up on this too.
When my ds wakes crying/kicking/etc, I tell him (an idea from the book, How to help young children flourish by Aletha Solter, "if you need to have a good cry, you can have one in the daytime. I can help you then. Nightime is for sleeping." I don't deny comfort, of course, but I do make it clear that I need to sleep and if it continues I have said, "sweatheart, I can cuddle you if you want, but if you can't rest quietly, I'll have to roll over so I can sleep." Usually at this point he'll manage to calm himself down and ask for a cuddle. Typed up, it sounds a little harsh, but it does seem to work, and I never stop a cry/tantrum any other time. The book explains it a little better.
I've talked ot ds about it before bed a few times, reminding him that we sleep at night and we can get up and read/play/etc after the alarm goes off (the sun is rising just too ealry :LOL ). I tell him that its okay if he wakes up, but he can lie quietly and rest next to me. Can't say it's helped yet, but it seems like a good idea.
I've given him a dose of Herbs for Kids Valerian Super Calm tinture befoe bed too and this does seem to help.
Also, is the time change creeeping up on you? It is for us here and the warmer weather and earlier sunrise has also seemed to distrupt ds's sleep pattern.
Maybe I'm totally off, but HTH.
to you. I'm sorry this is so hard and I hope the stress for all of you lessens soon.

[captain optimism]

I have not BTDT, but I have read the thread and want to summarize all the stuff that jumped out at me:

1. You are stressed, and your ds is picking that up. That was a salient point in your original post.

Maybe everyone in your family needs to practice relaxing rituals before bed, not only ds? You all need love and care from each other. It could be things like stories, or baths--but things that you and your dh can do too to help you be calm as well.

2. Your ds is very overtired, and it's making it hard for him to control himself--and anyway he's 26 months old, so he only has small bits of self-control to start with!

How is his napping? Could he need a different nap/sleep pattern? What time does he go to bed? Maybe an adjustment in his sleep schedule will help him make it through the night.

3. Several people suggested that your ds could be frustrated by what pregnancy is doing to your milk.

4. Several people recommended homeopathic or herbal remedies to calm ds before bed or to help him with teething.

5. Several people suggested reconfiguring your beds. Maybe an additional bed in your room for ds? Maybe an additional bed in your room for YOU?

I am so sorry that you are coping with so many things just now.

[cloudspinning]

It's 10:33pm est, and I'm hoping you're all going to sleep through the night tonight! When I read your response, something caught my eye...

And as I've said above, I really wonder when we're carrying out a screaming toddler from almost every place we go-including the park sometimes-if other kids tantrums/meltdowns/episodes are truly like my DS's??? Did you wonder this yourself?

You know, I had an important moment when I realized that my dd really WAS intense. I spent a long time thinking I was a bad parent, that I was doing something *very* wrong, for her to have such difficulties. Over time I've realized that while I'm far from perfect, she really does feel things in intense ways that I don't. Especially now that I have kid # 2, who I intuitively understand because his personality is closer to my own. Dd is a lot like my sister, who I will occasionally call for insight into a problem. She can help me see things in perspective. And it is never as bad as I think it is!
Anyhow, I'm getting distracted! What I wanted to say was that something that is hugely helpful for dd is advanced warning. It helps her a lot to know what is coming. I'll tell her what is going to happen, like if we are going to the mall I'll say, "We are going to the mall. We're going to go to the store and look at shirts. Then we are going to the bookstore and you can look in the kids section. Then we are going to the toy store but we are not buying any toys for you, we're looking for something for Sara's birthday, and you can put some things on your birthday list. We're not going to get anything to eat at the food court but we can get a sample before we go home to eat lunch." Then if she gets upset I remind her of what we said and it usually helps her calm down. Your ds is still young, he may not understand, but the pattern has always helped dd. Now my descriptions are much shorter because she can handle outings better. When we are getting ready to leave a place I always give her warnings so she can transition. You know, 5 minutes, 3 minutes, 1 minute. It's not a threat, I just say it matter-of-factly. Oh! And I just remembered something I read in Mothering a long time ago that worked really well when she was your ds's age. It was about making transitions into games and/or songs. Dd's favorite when we were leaving the park was "bunny train". I would hand her a leaf or small stick and tell her it was her ticket for the bunny train, and we had to hop to the car where I would buckle her in and take her ticket.
One more thing, I just finished reading, "Kids, Parents, and Power Struggles" by Mary Sheedy Kurcinka, and it was wonderful. I was wishing I read it a long time ago! And it's one of the few books that I think is possible to use when your child is a toddler (I think most of them are geared towards older children).
Something I just thought of, you mentioned your ds is very verbal. I know a boy who is very verbal; he also learned to read and understood what he read at a young age, but has a lot of difficulty translating his emotions into words. Does that sound like your ds? If you can help him make the connection that might help, as another poster mentioned, saying things like, "you're feeling frustrated and scared, etc. (very good ideas on that in Kids, Parents and Power Struggles)

Hang in there. I have to tell you that my dd is a joy, her depth of emotion and passion add to my life in wonderful ways. It does get easier, and it doesn't last forever. s

namaste,
Brenda

[Bearsmama]

Hi everyone. I don't want to jinx anything, but I am starting to realize that by GEORGE, this might just be a phase! (I'm hoping you all hear my 1st time mom tone here). DH and I were feeling very, very low, and basically just said to each other that DS needs our compassion. No matter how frustrating, how much we want to bang our heads against the walls, we have to remain in control and come from a place of compassion and love. I know it sounds like a bunch of pollyanna BS, but I think we were just setting ourselves up for negativity.

Last night was the first night in about a week that DS slept. I looked at the clock at around 5:30am and realized that HEY, we had ALL slept! Today was a great day, I felt like I had my boy back. He was very snuggly, lower-key, and just my little love. Of course, he's always my little love, but when he's 'back on track', and we're back on track, I feel so lucky and free of the negativity that I was stuck in. Who knows? Things could change tomorrow, but I feel that I have a different perspective on things-especially since reading all of your insightful posts.

Grisandole-Thank you. Yes, I have a very sensitive boy.

Cumulous-You are absolutely right about the sleep thing as well as the meditation. I have a hard time taking care of myself in times of stress, which is the time my body, mind, and soul needs it the most. This whole mamma thing is making me realize every day that a happy mom usually makes a somewhat happier kid. Thanks for reminding me of ME!

merpk-Yes, I think the milk thing is part of it, too. I hope you all don't think that I was ingnoring all these important connections. I just have a hard time piecing it all together when it's rough. I would say that right around the New Year we started cutting back on the nursing (although we started setting some nursing limits a while back). So, we are basically nightweaned now. We nurse for naps and before bed. And this could very well be part of his frustration.

Bau3-You are right about the predictability thing. He needs as much structure right now as possible with all the stress in our little family right now.

Red-Thanks for your reply. I just wanted to say that I don't allow him to hit me-even in the middle of the night. It's just not acceptable. Period. And I do try to name his emotions for him, acknowledge them. I have to keep reminding myself that this too shall REALLY PASS!!

Lab-Thanks for your reply. Some bad nights of DS's have come from busy days, but not all. That's why I am thinking that this current behavior is the result of a myriad of things going on-especially those teeth! I am a bit relieved today and yesterday that things seem to be changing a bit, or at least Mommy & Daddy are changing a bit.

the_dalai_mama-Thanks. I'm getting better at setting clear limits at bedtime w/out denying him love or comfort. I say that the bed is for sleeping and in order for us all to be there we have to ALL sleep, etc., etc.

Cloudspinning-Thanks again. I think I have to get over the bad-parent feelings. It's just ridiculous, but hard not to fall into when you can't see an other examples like your own DC anywhere (althouggh I KNOW they're out there!). He is so intense and DOES bring a such a wonderful joy to our lives-even when it's extreme. He is a wonderful, feeling, sensitve, little boy, and I have to learn to embrace all of him. It's funny, I've been thinking about his personality a lot and he is definitly more like ME as an adult. I tend to be much more intense than DH.

Advance warning is working with some things, too. Now, if we hop in the car if I have to run somewhere (which is rare these days b/c of his current behavior) he'll see "Tell me where we're going" if I don't say something fast enough!

Thank you all again....