Being closer to one child versus the other?

[MommatoAandA]

This is extremely hard to admit. I am not sure where it is rooted, maybe its a lot of things. I have never felt very bonded to my 3 year old. She was a difficult baby. She had loads and lists of problems and I suffered sever PPD (Bordering psychosis) and was diagnosed with Bi-polar disorder when she was 8 months old, making parenting her even harder. I am not in love with her. I never felt autonomous as a parent with her. She has been through a lot of changes in her 3 years, but my pregnancy itself was extremely stressful and I think my anxiety almost effected her in utero. She is very needy, high needs, high strung. Her personality, coupled with her age/stage is volatile to me. Some days I barely get by without feeling like I hate her. This is MY DAUGHTER. Why do I feel this way? I have an 11 month old who has been a joy. She is just a different kid all together. I was also older when I had her and much much more ready. When she goes to bed at night I miss her. When I am not with her I think about her. These feelings seem to further amplify how I feel towards my 3 year old. I do not feel the same. I never lose my temper at my 11 month old. I never regret her. I feel an amazingly strong bond to her. RARELY, almost never, have I enjoyed parenting my oldest. When she wants to be close or kiss or hug me I am usually so stressed out from her behavior of the day or from life and she is just so demanding and I have to force myself to love on her because I know she needs it.

Am I sick? I feel guilty. I mean I do love her. But there have been times where I have wished I just had my younger one and waited. I feel horrible. I do not know how to fix this, or if I can. I just feel horrible for how I feel. I needed to say this, vent this, ask for help and suggestions.

[dakotablue]

I am so sorry you are going through this. I have not experienced anything like this, but thank you for sharing.

The only thing I can recommend is to read a book called the LOVE DARE. it is a Christian 40 day book for marriage. Its about showing love and giving love to someone you don't and your heart changing through those acts. I know of couple (through another forum) who have bounced back from divorce, infidelity and over all hatred. I know its not the same for a child, but maybe it will help you. I would think it would be easier to find new love for a child than someone who actually made choices to hurt you. Sometimes loving someone takes work, but it is always worth it.

I will pray for you to find peace in this and for your heart to change. this must be so hard for you. You are not a bad person. Remember that. Sometimes we are just given things that are different or harder than others. I know you will work towards fixing this. Especially, since you are aware of what this kind of parenting can do to a child and I know this is not what you want for your little girl.

[Joyster]

I don't have any advice. I have different relationships with my two and some days would like to send one or the other to live with the grandparents for a week. It sounds like you and DD have had a rough start and it's snowballed a bit, I think you might need more support and support specifically in dealing with yours and her issues. Maybe even finding another mom who is in a similar boat.

I did want to give you support and point out that you are looking for feedback on how you're feeling, which is a very positive first step. Hopefully someone will have something more solid to add.

[pink gal]

First off let me say that I admire you for asking for help. It is a scary thing to put out there even in an anonomous forum. You were able to put your child's needs first by asking for help and that is a great first step.

It sounds like your relationship got off to a really rocky start and without that early foundation it has continued to be a challenge. I would recommend child parent psychotherapy. If you are in Canada you can contact the Hinks Dellcrest Centre www.hincksdellcrest.org. In the US you can google the name of your state and "Association for Infant Mental Health" for help in finding a therapist with experience in supporting parent child attachment and relationships.

There is hope that the joy in your relationship can be recovered. You've already taken the first step. I wish you the best as you embark on this journey of healing your relationship with your daughter. Focusing on it will be one of the most rewarding things you will ever do as mother.

[txbikegrrl]

I didn't have a stressful pregnancy or PPD with my first and I love him dearly but he is very needy emotionally and 3yo and it is very tough on a day to day basis. I've actually raised my voice (yes, yelled) at him almost every day the past few weeks. Not calling him names or scolding but saying his name in a very loud tone and yesterday yelling stop (also I just asked you to wait one minute -- I was washing my hands after cleaning up cat poop) as he poured milk on the floor on purpose just to be silly. Of course he cried and said I'm not his best friend anymore, etc.

Anyway, I know what you are dealing with is much more severe but just wanted to say that having two can be stressful and even with a "good bond" with the first it can be tough. My second is 6mo and much easier in general in terms of tempermant. For now.

Have you thought about family therapy? Parent child interaction therapy is empirically supported (resesarch based) and has helped many. Or maybe play therapy for your daughter(s) and some parenting or just supportive therapy for you?

[MommatoAandA]

The child/parent support might be a great idea.

The steps I have recently taken with her are these:

We stopped spanking

everyday before I get out of bed I remind myself how little 3 still really is and how much she needs me still. I also try to say one positive thing about her to myself daily and acknowledge her and her positive attributes outloud

I also try to spend 15 minutes snuggling her at the end of each day and reading her a book. Even if she drove me nuts all day and I am not wanting to.

I try to say YES as much as possible.

I try to include one activity per day she LOVES.

I also remind myself she is needy and that is her personality. while I might not particularly like it, its HERS and I have to learn to parent her accordingly.

The last month has been better. I see her becomming more attached and loving to me and DP.

Thanks everyone for not flaming me. I appreciate that.

[Grace and Granola]

Originally Posted by MommatoAandA

This is extremely hard to admit. I am not sure where it is rooted, maybe its a lot of things. I have never felt very bonded to my 3 year old. She was a difficult baby. She had loads and lists of problems and I suffered sever PPD (Bordering psychosis) and was diagnosed with Bi-polar disorder when she was 8 months old, making parenting her even harder. I am not in love with her. I never felt autonomous as a parent with her. She has been through a lot of changes in her 3 years, but my pregnancy itself was extremely stressful and I think my anxiety almost effected her in utero. She is very needy, high needs, high strung. Her personality, coupled with her age/stage is volatile to me. Some days I barely get by without feeling like I hate her. This is MY DAUGHTER. Why do I feel this way? I have an 11 month old who has been a joy. She is just a different kid all together. I was also older when I had her and much much more ready. When she goes to bed at night I miss her. When I am not with her I think about her. These feelings seem to further amplify how I feel towards my 3 year old. I do not feel the same. I never lose my temper at my 11 month old. I never regret her. I feel an amazingly strong bond to her. RARELY, almost never, have I enjoyed parenting my oldest. When she wants to be close or kiss or hug me I am usually so stressed out from her behavior of the day or from life and she is just so demanding and I have to force myself to love on her because I know she needs it.

Am I sick? I feel guilty. I mean I do love her. But there have been times where I have wished I just had my younger one and waited. I feel horrible. I do not know how to fix this, or if I can. I just feel horrible for how I feel. I needed to say this, vent this, ask for help and suggestions.

Above I bolded your statements that apply to me and my now 3yo son. You are not alone! He is my second child, so it's a little different. My first son was much easier, I felt like an awesome parent, then came #2. I think I was a pretty cruddy parent for the first 2.5 years of his life. Our circumstances caused me great stress and I was just not available to be that AP/GD mama that I was when my first son was born. The feelings of regret overwhelm me sometimes. Now that my life feels a bit more stable I am really trying to get attached to ds2. Those things you listed that you are working on, those are exactly what I've been doing over the past 8 months or so and it's working At least it's changing my feelings towards HIM, though he still isn't as attached to me as I would like. I hope it comes in time. I really try to appreciate those calm moments when he is playing on his own and I just lovingly think about him, how sweet, how precious he is.

Also, the pp's rec for the book, The Love Dare, is a really interesting idea. I saw the movie that was based on the book and I think it could really work for your parent/child relationship. It is 40 days of you doing work to build your relationship and the other person does not have to do anything to participate. Here are two examples of what your daily task would be:

Day 1: resolve to demonstrate patience and to say nothing negative to your spouse (child) at all. If the temptation arises, choose not to say anything.

Day 2: do at least one unexpected gesture as an act of kindness

It's sort of along the lines of what you're already doing, but maybe more ideas. I've seen it at our public library. I might actually try it myself!

Hang in there mama, it's bound to get easier. to you