Finally! Impending divorce from an abusive ex, and a couple questions

[waiting2bemommy]

So I am FINALLY getting a divorce from ds's bio dad. we've been separated since before ds' birth but I was scared of him and for various reasons never pursued an actual legal divorce. Anyway, we are finally getting a divorce (well I am, he didn't respond to notices) and I am changing my name back to my maiden name.

However, I think things are moving in the direction that my dds dad and I will get married in the future and I will obviously take his name. Dd also has his name.

Up til this point ds and I have both been going by my married name. ds doesn't really use hi middle or last name much, but he certainly knows what they are, and he knows my name as my married name. His father is not on the birth certificate however, and the BC lists my maiden name as his last name although he doesn't go by that in dady to day life. I had intended at the time to change it legally to his father's last name, but never did, and now I dont' want to. Dd's father has talked about adopting ds, so it's possible his name could change again. so, what would you do as far as last names in the meantime? Sorry if this si confsing...I just imagine how confused ds will be with all the potential name changing.

[RollerCoasterMama]

Looks like your DS is 2.5. I wouldn't worry too much about it. Just start calling him by his legal last name if you'd like. He'll catch on pretty quickly. And at 2.5, I wouldn't worry too much about hurting his sense of self if you started calling him by the name on his birth certificate. Then later, if your partner does adopt him, you can make a big celebration about getting your partner's last name.

My DS is 3.5 and didn't have any concept of last name until a couple of months ago...except he kept flipping first and last around, so he is still fuzzy on that score!!

[waiting2bemommy]

thanks!. My poor ds has been through so much in the last year and we are just now getting stable again, I guess maybe I am super sensitive to making any changes in his life. You're probably right that it won't matter to him as much as I'm anticipating.

[RollerCoasterMama]

Originally Posted by waiting2bemommy

thanks!. My poor ds has been through so much in the last year and we are just now getting stable again, I guess maybe I am super sensitive to making any changes in his life. You're probably right that it won't matter to him as much as I'm anticipating.

Totally understandable! And it's good that you're thinking about it! 2.5 is still a baby even though they seem like such big kids at that age! If you were changing his first name or something like that, he might be confused, but he probably won't even notice a last name change at this age. I'm willing to bet he'll just roll with it.

One of the joys of 2 and 3 yr olds...you tell them the truth and they accept it at face value. The complicated questions come later. I always figure that as long as I don't out-right lie to my son, I can explain things in simple, age-appropriate ways. If he doesn't ask for more info, I've given him enough. Works great for everything form divorce to the birds and the bees to teen-age half-siblings he's never met. When he starts thinking enough to ask for more, then we'll go to the next level. But I never have to worry about him looking back and being horrified that I withheld information.