Could you get over it? How? - Page 2

[meemee]

dakotablue - inspite of everything one thing i hear clearly - you still want to amend. you would like to have a relationship with your mil.

and i say you can.

but its only if you work on your own.

it really has nothing to do with MIL.

you know exactly what's going on. you know she probably envies the confidence with which you are the person that you are.

the thing is you have to find a place to relate with MIL. if you can connect with that she is trying in her best way to love your ds it will be sooo helpful. if you can see her as a gma trying her best to connect with her gchild. wanting to connect with her gchild. half your battle will be won right there.

this truly works. but you have to do the work. you have to connect with the 'mother' within her - no matter how crappy that mother is. and as you connect with that your body language will change. and you wont seem as 'aggressive' as you do otherwise. and i promise your relationship will improve.

things have gotten much better between ex and me ever since i learnt to see him as a father who loves his dd and is trying his best. instead of being angry with him, i felt sad for him. and somehow i noticed our relationship changed. we are much better with each other than before.

it doesnt happen overnight. it takes a lot of time. but the more you look at her as the 'enemy' rather than a 'friend' with many flaws - it will be tough to forget the battles.

good luck.

[Caneel]

OP - I feel for you, I have been there, pre-child, with similar in-law problems. So much of your posts sound so familar.

Originally Posted by dakotablue

I understand this idea, but I don't think it will solve anything. The main issue is her disregard for safety and Dh and I as parents, then all the crap of everything else. Having DS there without me will more likely lead to dangerous situations and poor talk about me. Dh kinda shuts down around her and then blows up when we leave (ie "I can't believe blah blah blah") I don't feel DS's safe with her.

I remember the bold well, too well. It makes me cringe for you. I hated seeing how my ILs behavior negatively impacted DH.

I agree with the other posters who mentioned that you have control of the situation in that you can control your reaction to her BUT I am also of the opinion that your DH also needs to step up and help correct/control the situation. So it sort of turns into a martial issues between the two of you first, a MIL problem second. Your DH shouldn't be dumping on you after visits with MIL. He also needs to learn coping skills because his reaction and lack of action is affecting you and your DC. (maybe he isn't dumping but just venting but still, that can wear you down after a while.)

Yokosmile mentioned knowing the mechanics behind the crzay can help and I agree with that. More information/education will help, whether that comes in the form of professional counselling or reading.

Some people are better than others at dealing with the crazy-making. I know some women/men who are so smooth and unruffled in their dealings with nutty family members. I admire them. I just couldn't do it, no matter what tatic I tried, they found another way "in"

For me, I was completely blown away by my ILs behavior. Sure, I had been around off/difficult people in my life prior to meeting my ILs but their irrational behavior and complete lack of boundaries was something I never knew existed. The dog thing you described is something mine would have pulled too.

I didn't have any tools in my box to cope with their behavior and more importantly, I didn't know how to be a good partner and support DH. The impact on a child of this type of person is HUGE. Mistakes were made and marriage and individual counselling saved our marriage.