MIL Needs Help & Advice

[lucyem]

My MIL needs help and my husband and I are clueless about any services that might help her. She is in another state.

Where to even start. She is a massage therapist and has about 5 clients now and only one comes weekly. She has a tiny savings which is going fast, only a couple thousand left. She has no insurance. She is about 63. She refuses to do massage at a salon or anything where they would be "fluff" massages. My DH wants her to just get a job at Walmart even but she is too "busy". This has been an issue for years as her clients dwindled and we have been trying to get her to find ways to get more work. She says she "puts out her energy". It is frustrating and we have seen no change except to her bank account in the past 15 years. My DH is so upset. He wants to help her but we cannot afford to support her.

Presently she is living with her boyfriend who is suffering from extreme emphysema and can not even make it to the car for doctors appointments some days. So she takes care of him. He has medicare & social security. When he dies she will not be able to afford rent at all anywhere.

She said she is going to try and apply for social security. But she needs her ex-husbands ss number to apply because she was a homemaker all the years she was with him. Does this sound correct? I cannot imagine it will be enough to live on unless she can find cheap housing. Not something that exists in her state.

She said she went to look at some senior housing but the wait list was stopped at 50 people so she cannot even get on a list.

Are there any other services she might be able to apply for? Thoughts on any direction my DH can give her? Food stamps?

I am trying to think positive and constructively.

[VisionaryMom]

Would she - or could you - contact a senior center in her area? I'm sure they have a much better idea about what may be available.

She really just needs to visit her social security office and see what they say. Much of the information is available online, and I believe they have a hotline. You may be able to research some information then.

My grandparents get around $1800 a month in social security between them. It's enough for them because they have only regular monthly expenses, and my grandfather gets a pension. So it's doable to live on ss depending on where you are, your bills, etc.

[SleeplessMommy]

maybe she just does not worry about living in poverty and is happy the way things are i can definitely see why it would be a problem for you and your husband.

you can gets lots in info via phone/internet - start with social security office and the county web site where she lives. with each call, ask about other services available - pretty soon you will have a complete list. find out the number of the subsidized senior housing an call monthly, to see if there is any room on the list. being friendly too them will help, as they have stressful jobs! i am sure ssi has a process to look up the ss number of an ex, if she does not have it.

if she wants more clients, she could try craigslist. sounds like she is happy how things are.

[laohaire]

Is she looking for advice?

And if she is, is she really looking for advice or just shooting down all suggestions?

The situation you have described does not sound like a woman who is looking to empower herself. I get that you're worried and I also get that she may be a burden to you someday, but I think I would just leave her be. She has to make her own choices. She knows as much as you do - she has a phone book, she could make calls, she could expand her client base, she could look for a job bagging groceries. If she's looking for a magic bullet, like some federal program that will pay her to sit at home for the next 20 years, she's out of luck.

[VisionaryMom]

Originally Posted by laohaire

Is she looking for advice?

And if she is, is she really looking for advice or just shooting down all suggestions?

The situation you have described does not sound like a woman who is looking to empower herself. I get that you're worried and I also get that she may be a burden to you someday, but I think I would just leave her be. She has to make her own choices. She knows as much as you do - she has a phone book, she could make calls, she could expand her client base, she could look for a job bagging groceries. If she's looking for a magic bullet, like some federal program that will pay her to sit at home for the next 20 years, she's out of luck.

I get this, but as someone with a parent who is horrendous with money, the OP and her husband also have to consider what will happen in the future. This woman is in her 60s. At some point, she is likely to need help, and clearly she isn't going to be able to provide it. Perhaps a legitimate sit-down to say, "look, it's your life, but we will not/cannot take care of you" would work. That's a tough conversation to have. I started with my mother by saying that I was concerned about her retirement and went from there.

For us, it's not financial, but my husband absolutely will not allow my mother to live with us. It would be a nightmare. We had to work on finding out how she was doing so that we could know whether we need to be anticipating paying for her living expenses at some point. Unfortunately, many parents expect their children to take care of them but don't want our input on their financial lives before then. It's a tough position to watch a parent doing something irresponsible and know that you may be faced with dealing with the consequences. I mean, your parents have to be horrid to just let them live on the streets.

[Ola_]

I would encourage her to check out some local salons and spas just to see how they operate. DH got me a gift certificate to a day spa which included a massage and when I was booking the appointment they asked if I wanted one of the regular staff members or a certified massage therapist for that portion (because then you can expense it through your insurance if you have coverage). So that is one avenue.

Another option, if there are any physiotheraphy clinics or universities with an athletic department (which I think most have) that may be another avenue to pursue for either employment, partnership, or even putting up advertising to get more clients.

But I do agree that she has to be the one driving this change, you can't make her do it if she's unwilling. On the other hand if she just needs ideas and some motivation then that's where you could help.

[Sarah W]

Originally Posted by laohaire

Is she looking for advice?

And if she is, is she really looking for advice or just shooting down all suggestions?

The situation you have described does not sound like a woman who is looking to empower herself. I get that you're worried and I also get that she may be a burden to you someday, but I think I would just leave her be. She has to make her own choices. She knows as much as you do - she has a phone book, she could make calls, she could expand her client base, she could look for a job bagging groceries. If she's looking for a magic bullet, like some federal program that will pay her to sit at home for the next 20 years, she's out of luck.

Agreed.

[lucyem]

Do I think she will change? No. I guess I need advice to give my DH to give her. Then if she ignores it he will at least feel like he tried. He is so frustrated because he wants to help but cannot financially and she refuses to help herself. She is actually doing more then I have ever seen her do. She called the social security office. That is a good sign. I do worry about the future. Where she will end up for example. I know as soon as her boy friend dies she will be forced to move. I think she realizes that.

[VisionaryMom]

Is her ex-husband still alive? I'm curious because you said she was a housewife for 22 years. Maybe after all of that time at home, she just didn't have a plan for what to do if she had to go to work.

I agree with a pp, too, that there are people who do therapeutic massages pretty much everywhere these days.

[lucyem]

Originally Posted by VisionaryMom

Is her ex-husband still alive? I'm curious because you said she was a housewife for 22 years. Maybe after all of that time at home, she just didn't have a plan for what to do if she had to go to work.

I agree with a pp, too, that there are people who do therapeutic massages pretty much everywhere these days.

She was married for about 10 years, 20+ years ago. After her divorce she did work for a few years and then got her massage certification and started working from home. Her ex is still alive.

[SleeplessMommy]

Originally Posted by lucyem

I know as soon as her boy friend dies she will be forced to move. I think she realizes that.

She may want to look into any possible financial advantage to marrying her boyfriend - for example if he has a pension. Not sure if that would be of any help, though.

I am pretty sure she can get social security from the ex-husband's. This would be the number one step. Number 2 step would be looking for part time massage job, if she can find one it would give her some income. Finally, investigate shared housing or senior housing in her area.

[mamaofprincesses]

Our county has a department of aging, that specificallly helps connect seniors with the resources available to them. You could probably find out online if her county has something similar, and offer that to her as well.

[Jayray]

My sister did massage for a chiropractor. I don't know if your MIL would consider that fluffy or not. She usually had 7-8 massages per day and made good money.

[angelcollector1]

You must be married to your current, divorced from, or deceased spouse for a minimum of 10 years to be eligible to collect social security from them. She can go down to the local ss office with a copy of her marriage license and divorce papers or death certificate to prove the 10 years and she should have no problem receiving it.

[Staceyy]

Have her contact the social security office. They can help her locate the info on her ex-husband. She must have been married to him for 10 years. Social security also has a program called Medicaid which is a sort of welfare program for impoverished people. I think she has to have less than $2000 in assets to qualify. They should be able to qualify her for something. She should also be able to qualify for food stamps or she can buy food cheaply through Angel Food Ministries. See www. angelfoodministries.com. Check to see if there is some sort of an Energy Assistance program in your area to help her with her utilities. If she is a member of AARP she should be able to get a 20% discount on her telephone bill. In addition to senior housing, there is the Section 8 program or she can get a roommate if something happens to her friend. Maybe you can put an ad on Craigslist for her to get more customers. Most states have medical insurance pools or programs for those without healthcare. See if she qualifies under the new Obama Health Care Bill. Hope something here helps.