Oldest child gets short end of the stick

[AllisonR]

You make all the mistakes on the oldest. Everything from learning the difference between an ear ache and a severe middle ear infection to which school is appropriate. I just feel my oldest gets an unfair majority of my mistakes. I've got more experience behind me with my youngest and make a lot less mistakes.

The youngest has a constant mentor around they can learn everything from: how to share, how to fight, how to talk, how to socialize.... My youngest learns everything so much faster and better, but that is because she doesn't have just me and DH, she has her older brother as well.

The only drawback I see is the youngest gets more hand me downs. That's a pretty small drawback in my book.

And there is only 2 years apart, so it is not like my oldest gets any cool benefits, like getting to stay up later or eat more ice cream.....

OK, I admit this is not a very important post in the scheme of life. But I am sharing because this thought has been bugging me a couple of months now. I thought if I shared, maybe someone here could point out benefits of the oldest child, or maybe say it is an age thing and becomes insignificant when they are older, or maybe just relate.

[Boot]

My friends mum who has a daughter 14 years younger than her eldest says "I thought I wouldn't make all the same I made with others. Turned out I just made different mistakes!"

I think the eldest has it good. I'm the eldest. You get the benefit of that one on one time when you an only, you get to boss siblings about, you get new stuff not hand-me-downs, etc. I am much more lax in my parenting with my second. I just don't have the energy to make sure everything is perfect and organic and just so. My baby gets to stay up and watch Lost which I would never have allowed with my first. I would have dedicated my whole evening to getting him to sleep. Once we're on solids I bet I use a lot more jars of baby food rather than making everything from scratch. Not saying jars are bad, just that I'm being easier on myself this time round.

By the way, I still wouldn't know the difference between an earache and a middle ear infection. I don't think my kids have had either.

[newbymom05]

I feel like my oldest/5 yo gets the short end too, especially now when my 2 y/o loves to play with/destroy his toys and my poor DS1 is forced to be patient. But really, is that such a bad thing?

More pluses for the oldest--DS1 got a TON of enrichment activities--Soccer Tots, Gymboree, toddler swim lessons, open gyms, library story times--my first got to do all that and more. My poor 2 y/o gets to tag along to the 5 y/o activities. He just turned 2 and has never done a baby class, other than baby story time at the library, and that only a few times. Next year when big bro is in school he'll get some 1/1 time, but he definitely didn't get that "the world revolves around you!" deal that the oldest got.

And of course being the oldest means you get to have a baby sibling to cuddle.

[crunchy_mommy]

But your oldest child got 2 years of your (and your DH & grandparents etc.) undivided doting attention. Your younger children will never have that time, will never have mom & dad available to respond instantaneously to every need & whim (though you try your best)... that's actually what I feel more bad about, the younger ones get a little short-shifted to me (although I only have 1 at the moment).

I was an oldest child and I wouldn't change a single thing about it. My DH, also an oldest, feels the same -- there are lots of perks to being older, you get to do everything before your siblings, you get more responsibility & more admiration from the siblings (they 'look up' to you)... My siblings have had more freedom & my parents made less first-time parent-type mistakes with them but there were still mistakes, because each of us was so different and things that worked with me didn't necessarily work with my sisters and my brother is like a whole 'nother species....

[BarefootGirl]

Sorry to disagree with y'all, but I'm the oldest and I HATE it. Always did and still do. I was only 2 years older than my brother and much more responsible, but he always got to do everything I did (or more - I wasn't allowed to go to the mall with friends, no parent, as early as he was). I was always expected to be perfect and my younger siblings got away with murder.

I'm still bitter and also kind of embarrassed about it But the old patterns are still the same - I am still the one who follows the rules, attends all the family gatherings whether I want to or not etc., while my younger brother and sister do whatever they want and no one expects any different. A lot of it is probably my fault, cause I guess I could have rebelled, but if I do anything unexpected sh*t hits the fan. I think if I had been a boy, things would have been different. My parents probably felt that as a girl I should be more protected and should be more expected to follow the rules.

But I don't know, my younger sibs probably see things totally different. I know it bugged my sister to get compared to me, but I think that was pretty minor in that it isn't still going on.

[mamazee]

I feel like my younger one is getting the short end of the stick. With the older one, life centered around her for a while. I had professional portraits done of her regularly, set my life up largely around taking her places and doing things with/for her, etc. The little one though seems to spend most of her life tagging along to her sister's things.

[MaerynPearl]

I was a middle child... I always felt like the oldest got more freedom and the youngest got freedom sooner...

So I try my best to keep it fair for my kids.

I did not let DD start playing outside by herself as soon as DS did... she had to wait until the same age and earn it the same as he did (by following the rules, if the rules aren't followed, you have to have someone out with you for a while again) and DS does get to stay up half an hour later than DD many nights because it IS really unfair to make him go to bed at her bedtime or to let her go to bed at his when they are two different kids of two different ages.

[Pyrodjm]

The oldest gets more undivided parent attention, parents are often more excited about their first child's "firsts" also. They get all new stuff and grandparents seem to be more excited and involved also. When tehy are older they get to date, drive and graduate first, go to prom first, be the first to go to college. There are definitely benefits to being th oldest. Trust me, I'm the oldest of three and love it.

There's an

[KristyDi]

I'm the oldest of four and don't mind it at all. I don't feel like I got the short end of anything. There are advantages and disadvantages to each birth position. I think a parent who loves their kids and does their best to give each child what s/he needs will be unlikely to short change any of their kids.

I also think it's important to remember that fair dosen't mean everyone gets the same things all the time, but that each gets what they need.

[momasana]

Originally Posted by KristyDi

I also think it's important to remember that fair dosen't mean everyone gets the same things all the time, but that each gets what they need.

[ledzepplon]

I'm an oldest and I like it. I don't feel that I was shortchanged. I do think my parents lightened up a bit with my younger brother, but I also think that's partly due to gender difference.

[34me]

I try really hard to meet each where they are at. Yes, my 16 yo does call herself the practice child but my middle on because of his personality and interests gets a lot of attention and they each spend 2 weeks at their grandparents house alone.

[Smokering]

As the third of six... I think the oldest may sometimes benefit from trailblazing. When my oldest sister started Uni it was uber-exciting because she was the first one; by the time I did it, it was old hat. Not that it bothered me unduly, but there are plenty of things oldest kids typically do "first" - dating, tertiary education, getting a job, learning to drive, even possibly marriage and babies - and there's a certain cachet that goes along with doing things first.

Then again, younger kids get the benefit of learning the ropes from their older sisters. So your mileage may vary.

[LaughingHyena]

I was worried my younger one missed out on a lot because he had to slot into the routine we already has with DD and obviously got less one to one time with me. He still has to sit through her swimming lessons, sports days etc.

[mtiger]

I think both tend to get some benefits and some drawbacks. A lot have been mentioned from both sides - at the end of the day, they really do even out.

A lot also depends on their personalities, individual traits and interests. My oldest loves the city, has friends all over the place (not just locally) and enjoys traveling on his own. He regularly goes to NY or Philly by bus or train to catch a show or concert or just wander around. The younger? Has mostly local friends and prefers to do things with them, so she's more of a hang out with them locally - movies, someone's house, etc. This week she's down the shore with a group of them, giving me regular updates on how many cute guys are at the beach and how many have flirted with her. And yes, it may be a gender bias on my part, but I'm not certain I'd be keen on her flitting up to the City on her own.

[Ellien C]

I agree there are advantages and disadvantages. As was mentioned, the oldest gets doted on! Everything was so new and fascinating for us with the oldest - look she smiled, she grabbed something - every little thing she did we loved. It's still cool with the baby, but not quite so magical.

I'm the youngest in my family (4 kids) and there were still things the oldest got that I never did - the whole family helping out and painting her first apartment (avocado green in the kitchen - I was 8 and it was a big word!) and the first weddings were such a huge deal. Mine was old hat. I like being the youngest though - I got so much good advice and extra "parenting" from the siblings.