Still trying to understand why I had 2 c-sections??

[claudi81]

For those who do not know my story.

My dd was born 4 years ago by c-section duer to failed inductions, I had pre-eclamplsia and was induced 3 times with a gel (not sure of the name) the first attempt made my uterus hyper it was overcontracting strong with hardly a break in between contractions for the entire day...after meds, contractions stoped and this went on and on. A few days later I contracted somewhat normal but never dialated at all or progressed any further...well I must say after three days of this and not even the slightest success I asked them for a c-section. I really believed something must be wrong with me and had no faith that I could do that, they said I had some scarring on my cervix and stayed 1-2 cm the whole time.

6 months ago I gave birth to my son also by c-section, this time I was really hopefull I could do it unfortunately the only hospital who was willing to let me VBAC was over 1 1/2 hr away and generally does not let people go past 41 weeks. Well of course I went over due and nothing happened again 80 % effaced for weeks and only 1 cm..I had prodomal labour for weeks. The confidence I first had slowly and surely deminished, I hit 40 weeks and my blood pressure was up for the last couple of weeks which I told them did not concern me much, as I had no protein, no water or weight gain I felt great. Until I went past my due date and started to freak out, I had more and more headaches, my mom flew in from Germany to help me out, but she had to leave soon. I had a local midwife who helped me out with natural ways to induce labour for two weeks I have done everything but castor oil (my husband did not let me take it) to help bring on labour but not nothing happened I had a few contractions and they always stopped. One day before my sceduled c-section I was worried cause I had more headaches and I was hoping that there might be something they could do for me to bring on labour or at least check me and the Baby. Well they gave me a strip of membranes and said my only option after this would be a c-section you are still only 1cm and I would have to be at least 2 cm to be able to get pit. I went to the bathroom had one very strong contraction that lasted quite some time, but then again nothing. My bloodpressure was with rest about 142/98 they seemed to be concerned and said they check me again before I have my c-section at 3 pm. Well, this went so fast I was so unsure of what I want and so disapointed in me and my body that I just gave in, I wanted my son happy and healthy no more figths and no more worrying. I know if I would have lived closer to a VBAC hospital and would have been able to be just monitored more I might have waited. As far as the c-section went, it was real calm and as nice as it can be my son was pooping the minute the took him out which made me think good thing he did not do it inside we were together almost the whole time he left about 15 min. before I was able to be with him again.

Still I spend everyday wondering what if. I am not sure what to think anymore, maybe my body is really not made to birth. I know we are not supposed to think that way w, cause we must believe in our ability to birth in order to get a VBAC and I do not want to discourage anybody here. I am just thinking maybe it is not possible for some wonan just like not every woman can get pregnant?? I know a girl she had many c-sections cause her being in labour and never dialating at all on the other hand a friend of mine lost 2 children at 19 and 21 weeks and had one premie at 23 weeks she just goes into labour and has them within am hr. We must be all different eventhough we are all woman.

Anyways, as far as for my lost birthexperience, I am feeling a big loss and I am happy for every woman who gave birth "naturally", but yet I envy then a little bit I do not know if we have another one yet , but what if we do should I even concider a VBA2C? I honestly do not have any faith in myself at this point. Did I make the wrong decisions? In the moment you feel different than afterwarts Please give me you honest insight!! I really appreciate your help

[AustinMom]

If we were sitting together right now, I'd wrap my arms around you and give you a HUGE HUG! I'm so sorry you went through what you went through. It's sad that birth is tough in our society for a lot of women, and many of them like us walk away with more than just a scarred uterus, but scarred hearts and the medical establishment doesn't do much to suture those wounds.

I can identify with your loss as we planned a BC birth with our son and ended up with a CS. Looking back it was unnecessary, and that is what hurts the most. I should have avoided it, our birth team should have, etc. I DO feel that our birth team did the best they could with the knowledge they had. Was it poor knowledge, yes, was it limited, yes. Was it my fault? Yes and no, as a pregnant and laboring woman needs specific support, especially women like us, support in making these decisions and to not beat ourselves up after.

I read the book Rebounding From Childbirth Toward Emotional Recovery and it helped me a lot. Also before you get pregnant again An Easier Childbirth is a great read/workbook to help sort out your birth inventory.

Journal a lot. And really try and figure out why you feel the way you feel. It's usually more easily done with the help of a professional so ask around for a birth trauma reference, or ask a PP Doula to help work with you.

You can birth. I know everyone in the world can tell you that, but you have to tell yourself that too, and getting to that point is usually a long journey, but those of us who survived birth trauma have the strength to master that feat.

Much Love to you! PM me if you want to chat.

[fairydoula]

I'm so sorry for your loss of your natural birth! Surgical birth and surgery of any kind can be so traumatic on your body!
I did want to encourage you... you DID birth, twice! C-sect. yes, but YOU BIRTHED your babies.
Do you know of any particular risk factors for your developing pre-e? How was your diet? How about exercize? Stress levels?
If you are pregnant again, do you have enough support to be able to take the best possible care of yourself? This will not guarentee you don't again develop pre-e, but would mean you did everything possible to avoid it.
What about prenatal and birth support? Even though you mentioned your mom and a midwife, it sounds like you felt really alone at the last weeks of your pregnancies and during your births. I could be reading it wrong, but maybe you need a really good, experienced doula who has experience with vbac?
You are NOT the only mom who has had two sections and then went on to have a sucessful vaginal birth. You CAN DO IT! You need help!!! Seek it out, possibly before you get pregnant!
- Jen

[claudi81]

thanks for your reply

The pregnancy with my son was actually great my weight gain ok I had no swelling, they had me take the 24 urine test to check if i spill protein and it says too low to calculate...so I had not had preeclapsia. I honestly believe I could not have lived a healthier livestyle in any way possible as I did. I saw my chiro who also adjusted my very good prenatals to my needs I excercised I am not odverweight at all, but still my bloodpressure goes up after 36 weeks no clue why and there nothing I can do about it that I have not already done. Garlic, Danelion adjustments...at first my bp came down after I layed down and it was very normal..but as soon as I sit up or stand up my bp goes up I can feel the difference. Well when I went in for my c-section I felt different and even laying down after a couple hours I still had a bp of 143/98 ...but that was not why I gave in to a c-section, or at least not the only reason...I was 41 weeks and have tried soooo many things to bring on labor I realy lost faith that I would go into labor any time soon. I had a miscarriage 8 weeks before I got bf with my ds and all the trying to have him and then I finally got so close to have my so desired Baby in my arms you know. I thought enough I am 41 weeks almost 2 hr away from the hospital and sooo close to have my baby and well. I took all those herbal tinktures the mw gave me and they made me sick at that point I thought I was selfish and the best thing would be to go to the hospital and let them decide where to go from there....of course now I am not pregnant and I am not in the situation anymore and if I could I would go back and see what if....what if...123 or 5 more days what if....I stayed at a hotelroom close by the hospital and what if I asked them to let me go after I got my NST. I am gratefull for my son to be so well and perfect, but I sooo wish I could have had him naturally...I am not gonna have any more children my husband is getting a vasectomy

Oh and I forgot to mention my son poooped a lot 1 min after birth they said that he might have done it in utero...it was a lot almost black diariah(sorry TMI) I do not know but that was the only relieve I had thinking at least he did not get sick from it if I would have left him in for another week

[Snapdragon]

I am sorry you feel so badly about this. Those moments of intensity and wanting your baby to be safe and not knowing how much to trust people warning you of danger are so intense and making that decision is very hard. Ultimately you made a choice and I think you can feel good that you birthed your baby and things are well. C section is giving birth JUST as much as any other.
I only have 1 baby (so far!) and he was born from a very unexpected c section also.
and it was very hard and there is still the big incision scar, etc. But I don't think it is a less valuable experience than people I know who gave birth naturally. They have their own different issues.
And then after time passes I think, in my experience so far, the birth has become less important and the parenting is most important! I know people who had perfect home births- lots and lots of them- who have all different sorts of issues in their parenting that I may not have. I mean, I have issues too! But I mean that the birth is just one aspect of the whole thing. Now is the parenting- so I think forgive yourself and be proud of yourself for being so courageous as you are! For me my c section really shook up my whole view of becoming a parent. Something about being surprised by the unexpected and learning how to accept it even less than perfect.