Friend brought my son home really late

[rhianna813]

Ack. I just need to share this with other parents so I can let off some steam. I have a friend who has a child my son’s age – they are both 6. We live in the same part of town but the kids go to different schools. They get along great and we have playdates and go on outings together.

On Sunday she called and asked if we wanted to go to the pool with them. Unfortunately no because we had been traveling the day before and needed to catch up on a major housework. She asked if they could bring my son along. Sure sounds great! The pool is the largest in our area and across town.

I piled the sunscreen on DS and packed some extra (he is very fair skinned), packed a sandwich, apple, water bottle, towel and extra clothes. They left around 1:30.

She called around 5:00 and talked to DH. They were leaving the pool and stopping by a friends house to get some eggs.

She didn’t bring my son home until 8:30 PM!!! I was really upset because I didn’t know where they were!

She had gone to a friends house for duck eggs who lives a bit outside of town. Lady wasn’t home so the kids played with the goats. Then she realized it was dinnertime and stopped at the store. But instead of bringing DS home (again in our neighborhood) she took him to her house and made dinner. So the kids could keep playing.

I had tried calling her house and left a message around 8:00. She was home but didn’t hear the phone ring. Also my DH had left around 7:00… so I was all alone in my growing mama monsterhood of panic.

I was also upset because DS is a very picky eater and all I had packed him was the sandwich and apple. And a yogurt cup at her house. And to top it all off his water bottle was completely full when I unpacked his bag. I asked him and he had not drank any. He had some milk at her house. I was like how could she not make sure he wasn’t drinking his water while at the pool?!?!

He drank 1 glass of milk and 2 glasses of water when he got home and ate a bunch of food.

She totally apologized for being so late. I guess she thought she was doing us a favour keeping him so we could do housework. She felt really bad when she saw how upset I was. I don’t think I was harsh or anything. We decided that in the future we’d be clear about when the playdate was over. And I got her cell phone number too.

I was so rattled last night and am still a bit upset today. I am trying to let it go and trust that things will be more planned out next time. And not have bad feelings about her. On the good side DH was totally nice about my feelings and listened to me when he got home. He feels she is a good mom but just not very clock minded and a little more casual than we are.

Thanks for listening!!

Rhianna

[One_Girl]

That sounds very scary. My friend is chronically late for most things, even work at times, so I kind of expect these things but it is still nerve wracking to have a child home significantly later than you thought they would be home. My friend was an hour later than I thought she would be the first time they had a playdate, but she was available through texting so I was only mildly paniced until she texted me back. I don't think the water thing is that big of a deal if you didn't ask her to monitor his drinking habits though. My dd has been responsible for her own drinking since she was about two or three. She is great about going to the drinking fountain and getting a drink or getting her water bottle out and drinking from it. It may be that your child was offered food but refused it due to being picky and knowing that there was food he liked at home. If she is generally trustworthy then I think you should try to prevent this from happening again while still letting him go on playdates. Maybe set up a clear time-frame for getting him home, pack extra food just in case, and tell her your son isn't used to regulating his own drinks so you make sure all goes a little better next time.

[mamazee]

Does she not have a cell phone?

I wouldn't personally worry too much about food and drink. At 6, he's old enough to ask for it if he wants it and really doesn't need to be reminded or anything. I don't think it's a reasonable expectation that someone remind a 6-year-old to drink water, just that they make it available. And, as a picky eater let me say that he's going to have times where being a picky eater will be inconvenient, but that's not necesssarily a bad thing. I'm not nearly as picky as I was when I was a kid, and it's because I ended up places where I had to deal with what there was from time to time. Also, sometimes when kids are having fun they don't think to eat and drink much, but if they get thirsty or hungry enough they will.

But if she was going to be later than you'd talked about, she should have called you. And this is what cell phones are made for. LOL.

[phathui5]

I'm not seeing what time she said she would bring him home.

Is this a friend you generally trust? If one of the friends who I trust with my kids brought someone home at 8:30, I might be missing them, but I can't say I would worry.

Does she have a cell phone?

[Drummer's Wife]

With no cell phone or communication, it would have bothered me a bit b/c I would want to plan my evening and know when my kid will be home (ie so we aren't at the store then). Other than that, 8:30 sounds okay to me if they left at 1:30. My DD (age 8) goes with a friend and her mom and will be gone all day and late into the evening (like, home at 11 pm) b/c they do all kinds of fun things. This was actually one of the reasons we got her a cell phone - there was a couple times where the mom didn't answer (her ringer was off accidentally, or she left it in the car) and it had me paranoid, even though they called me as soon as they noticed. Anyhow, now I just feel more at peace b/c my DD will text or call me to let me know what their plans are and if things have changed. I have to say that I do feel like they are doing me a bit of a favor by keeping her so long, b/c I have 3 younger kids to take care of and it's nice for her to get out and do things with her girlfriend.

eta: oh, I don't send food or water or worry with that in mind - DD isn't shy to let them know if she is hungry, and I figure with a friend about the same age, they are going to be feeding her and my DD at the same time (they actually take her out for sushi and to nice restaurants, so it's not a concern of mine.

[Peony]

The only thing I would of done differently is called after the friends's house and said something about how the kids are starving, I will feed them and bring him back over. I have a 7y and wouldn't bat an eye at the rest, and I certainly never ever would of thought to remind a 6y to drink water. I make sure it is available but I consider the child's job to drink if they are thirsty. I do frequently take other children or send mine off for long periods or the whole day, sometimes we have a set end time and others we just touch base later. I could see if you hadn't done this before, didn't feel like you knew how to get ahold of her, it would be scary.

[eepster]

The part I see as the real issue is the lack of communication. She needed to let you know that she was going to take him home for dinner. The rest of it was not stuff I would generally expect of someone without specifically asking it of them, but letting you know about a major change in plans is basic common sense.

[pianojazzgirl]

I would have been upset by the non-communication too. Only because she called at 5 and said they would be home after a quick stop, and then didn't show up for another 3.5 hrs. I would have been worried that something (an accident) happened.

The other things you mentioned wouldn't have worried me. Water... I expect my kid to drink when he or she is thirsty. Perhaps your ds drank from the water fountain instead of his water bottle. Picky eater... well, my dd's a picky eater, but I don't worry that she'll starve when she goes to her friend's house. I imagine she won't love everything on offer, but I figure there'll be something she'll want to eat, yk.

The majority of times my dd goes off to her friend's house, or out and about with him and his family (I'm thinking of her best friend) and we don't set an "end" time. We just contact each other at some point and figure out if we'll pick her up, they'll drop her off, and at what time.

[ElliesMomma]

since this is a friend, and you want to keep the friendship (it seems), i would let it go by telling myself that it was a good lesson learned. (not that she wasn't wrong in keeping him so late, but...) YOU need to be absolutely clear of your expectations/guidelines when you let him go with someone else -- water bottle, food, TIME LIMIT, and always have a cell phone number to reach the person if you need to.

[34me]

I think you did awesome to get the lines of communication open now when they are little. My 11 yo ds's best friends mom is a huge ditz and apparently has no use for a clock. I trust that my son is safe when with her but we never know when he will be arriving home. His parents have divorced since we've known themand dad is super responcible. Mom took the boys to Yellowstone and they were supposed to be back on Monday. Dad and I started testing around 5pm. He had no idea where they were either. I finally got him back around 2pm on Tuesday! Got word from dad at 8am that they were at mom'shouse after getting in really late.

[limabean]

Originally Posted by pianojazzgirl

I would have been upset by the non-communication too. Only because she called at 5 and said they would be home after a quick stop, and then didn't show up for another 3.5 hrs. I would have been worried that something (an accident) happened.

Yeah, that part would have bothered me. I probably would have gone to her house looking for them when I couldn't get a hold of them by phone.

But OP, it sounds like this won't happen again in the future now that you have her cell phone number and have an agreement to have timing be more specific. I can completely understand why you were worried and upset, but I'm glad you realize that your friend, while a bit thoughtless in the part I quoted above, didn't have any ill intentions.

I bet your house is sparkling though!