She's Coming

[Lady Mayapple]

MIL announced yesterday that she is coming to see us in August, and she plans on STAYING WITH US, according to DH. She's visiting a friend in Michigan, and then DH is driving all the way across the state to pick her up in Toledo and bring her back here.

My "usual" preparation for such visits would include making sure the house and yard are spotless, and making elaborate meal plans and stocking my fridge with all of her favorite stuff.

Given her absence and virtual non-contact, I don't really feel like doing those things now.

The exact dates haven't been decided yet, but sometime in early August looks to be when she is coming. Summer showed up early this year, and I do canning. So far this year's projects have been several weeks ahead of normal time. If this pattern affects tomatoes, I will expect to be doing spaghetti sauce and peach preserves in early August. I'll also be getting my entries ready for the county fair. In the middle of all those things, I also have multiple doctor's appointments during August because DH is off work for the entire month and it's a convenient time to get eye exams, teeth cleanings, and physicals out of the way for the upcoming school year.

MIL complained the last time she was here that there "wasn't anything to do". Which to her means going out to eat every night or daytripping to the zoo or Amish Country. Don't get me wrong, those things are great and fun, and Ohio has no shortage of quaint little touristy towns. But we cannot afford to do those kinds of things, and quite honestly there's plenty to do right here where we live.

In MIL's defense, I've suggested to DH to bring her along to the places we normally go, but he says that she'd either say no or wouldn't enjoy it because it's not "fancy" enough. BUT, we've never asked her so we DON'T really know what she would do. Either way, there will be PLENTY to do even if we don't "go" anywhere!

I am honestly nervous about this. I don't know how I will be able to keep my mouth shut. In my mind, I at least deserve some answers as to why she's been away for so long, if not an outright apology-especially regarding "whatever" it was that happened after our daughter was born that I have no recollection of. I want to make the best of the situation, but also take advantage of this time to clear up any misunderstandings.

Ugh.

[neetling]

I love when people inform instead of ask.

PS - I love your signature.

[Lady Mayapple]

Heh...yeah apparently she Skyped DH on his Iphone while he was at work. He walked into his office and heard people chattering and couldn't figure out who it was LOL!!!

I was inspired to write that signature by our insane experience with banks and real estate companies. We've had TWO land contracts on the house we live in, banks have turned us down twice. The owner put it back on the market, but is letting us stay here because in between the time we moved in and now he tangled himself up financially with a new car and then his college loans came due. He can't afford for us NOT to live here-we're paying his mortgage! It's the house that no one wants (except us). We were the only people who looked at it when he had it up for sale the last time, and that sign has been in our front yard for a month and no one's even asked to see the place. Owner can't sell it, we can't buy it, so we're both stuck. A month after we moved in was when the bottom fell out of everything with Freddie Mac and Lehman Bros and all the rest of it. Bad timing I guess, but I really had hoped things would be better by now But yeah, that's our story.

[Black Orchid]

Do want an honest answer? Or sympathy? I can give both, but sometimes people don't want honesty. so here is a because I have BTDT and I understand how intrusive it can be to have someone staying in your home disrupting your routine and not showing appreciation for your hospitality.
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(spoiler in case you don't want the honest part)
Okay, so here is where I get honest.

Relationships are a two-way street. Both parties have a part in making them work and creating/maintaining a state of drama/conflict. You said:

regarding "whatever" it was that happened after our daughter was born that I have no recollection of.

but then follow it with:

I want to make the best of the situation, but also take advantage of this time to clear up any misunderstandings.

Do you truly mean the second part? Or does it make you feel good to say it, but deep down you don't want to do the work required to repair the relationship? I am not asking this to be judgmental, but to point out that the first quote does not indicate a desire to do any digging to look at what you might have done to cause problems in the relationship with your MIL.

We currently have zero relationship with my ILs. It has been nearly four years since we saw them as a family. They do not acknowledge my existence when they communicate with my husband. I have done so much thinking over the years after the break because of the guilt I carried at being the perceived reason my DH doesn't have a relationship with his parents. I *know* that I caused conflict with my behaviors (even if they were justified or understandable they caused a negative perception) and sometimes words... I wrote a letter of apology last year to try and get things moving. Sadly, it didn't seem to help them, while it did alieve most of my guilt.

Are they justified in their behaviors? Maybe, but they also have things to apologize for and haven't done so in any way yet. Perhaps a lack of desire on their part? I don't know. All I know is that I welcome any love for my kids and my husband that will enrich their lives, as long as it given in a manner that respects our family unit.

And what I have discovered in this process is that in order to achieve any degree of healing *both* parties must acknowledge the part the have in creating harmony and conflict and take responsibility for changing their behaviors and choosing to assume positive intentions of each other. We have yet to reach that point, sadly.

[bluebirdiemama]

lol, that's what I thought of when I read it. So I both like it (because it's clever and truthful) and don't like it (because I'm a little freaked out)


As far as your MIL, have you thought about flat out asking her?
For the "outings", I would tell her that your budget will allow you to do ___ outing per week, and have a list of things that you can do, and let her choose. If it's only 1 thing per week, well, it's your budget not hers. She has no place to argue. Encourage her to help you and learn how to can. Take her to the library so she can get some books for when you will be gone to appointments. There is nothing wrong with not having the time or cash to show her the time of her life. If she expects that then she's a little nuts, IMO, and it wouldn't hurt her to be let down.

[Lady Mayapple]

Black Orchid, some excellent points. I DO want to make things better, even though DH keeps saying "Give up it isn't worth it. She'll just do it again"

I want to be able to just ask her what her issues are with me, only putting that in a gentler, less intimidating way. Inside I think "Hey what's your problem, lady?!" But apples dont fall far from the tree-DH has major problems with owning up to mistakes, and now I get to deal with the "tree" herself.

We like to go to a local state park that has a beach area on the lake. Craig Beach is a fun, casual place for "everyone". And by casual I mean, the sign might say no alcohol but you know damn well everyone is drinking beer, occasional scent of mary-jane wafting through the air, as long as no one is fighting and everyone is having fun the cops won't bother you. I've never seen any problems out there, and we love going there to swim. But Craig Beach is pretty, uhhh, "down-home", crowd is a mix of people you might see shopping at Wal Mart or the cast of My Name is Earl. But I love it because it's for everyone, and it's free. DH says I'll never get MIL to come with us...but I'm gonna try LOL!