dealing with family members who are teachers and NOT supportive of HS'ing

[Mebsy]

Anybody have advice to share on how to deal with this?

We are going to home-school our son this year (kindergarten) and it just so happens I have a sister who is a kindergarten teacher in a public school. From the moment I told her we were going to do this, she has been pretty negative. "Well, that's not even something I would try to do, but it's your life." And when she finally accepted that we were actually doing it, she sent me a huge email of a long list of things I need to make sure we do EVERY day if I want him to be at all successful. When I told her we were being very relaxed for kindergarten and probably wouldn't do more than an hour and a half or so of actual seat-work per day, she responded back that that is nowhere near enough learning time and she is very concerned. She thinks I have no idea what I am doing. I tried to kindly tell her that I have a bunch of my own ideas and I'm happy with our plan.
I've also tried to explain that home-schooling is different than teaching in a classroom, but she's not getting it. She's only become insulted now that I seem to think I know something about teaching, when she has a masters degree in teaching and I don't. She insinuated that I am pretending that I know anything about this but really I don't. She basically told me I'd be foolish not to take her suggestions because teachers come from all over to observe her because she's such a good teacher! And she thinks I'm being too prideful because I want to do this "my way" and not hers. I just don't know how to heal this situation because it's only getting worse and worse and we are both very hurt by the other.

[briansmama]

Hi,

I could have written your post! My sister was a K teacher who now stays home with her children and is on the PTA and VERY active in her children's school.

We've been going back and forth for the past 6 years since she found out our decision to homeschool. Here's what made the whole situation better and finally got her to stop arguing or trying to convince me to put my dc in school:

1. I came to the realization that she is acting out of fear. Her job and position would be useless/obsolete if we all homeschooled. She has been trained to think her job is very necessary, and for the most part, it is- but only to those families who utilize schools.

2. I hit her with solid research. Recommend the book Einstein Never Used Flash Cards: How Children Really Learn and Why They Should Play More and Memorize Less. It's written by child development experts and contains a vast amount of research showing why standardized tests and curricula are not conducive to learning. Anytime she brought up her case, I would ask her what she thought of the research presented in that book. Every single time. I familiarized myself with much of the studies mentioned in the book.

3. Discuss all alternative methods of education and how they differ from standardized education and why they are/can be more beneficial to children and how they help them grasp concepts and embrace learning rather than resist it. Most teachers are not well-versed in alternative education methods and cannot argue this point. Point out all of the alternative schools and how the movement is growing exponentially (Waldorf, Montessori, Reggio-Emilia, Classical Education and all other Literature-based education models, Kipp school, charter schools, farm schools, nature-based garden schools, language immersion schools, etc).

4. Bring up educators who taught and worked in the schools and found that childen thrive without them. Ask her what she knows about John Holt, Gatto, etc.

In other words, do your research. It really helps and will show her that you are going in a completely different direction than standardized education, not just by homeschooling. After all, many families utilize private schools and do not homeschool for the same reasons. She can't specifically argue with your choice to homeschool if you bring up all other methods and models of education that she probably has very little experience with.

HTH!

[stik]

This sounds like the classic "pass the bean dip" situation. You don't need your child's aunt to approve of your plans for his elementary education. Just change the subject.

[JessicaS]

Originally Posted by stik

This sounds like the classic "pass the bean dip" situation. You don't need your child's aunt to approve of your plans for his elementary education. Just change the subject.

I wouldn't engage, I would just move on.

[JollyGG]

Originally Posted by abimommy

I wouldn't engage, I would just move on.

I would thank her for her concern and her suggestions and more on. She doesn't need to know about the nuts and bolts of your homeschooling day, she doesn't need to know if you took or rejected her suggestions.

If it keeps the peace tell her that you will look over the suggestions she sent you and carefully consider them. If she asks if you've had a chance to look it over. Tell her "Yes, I have, thank you for thinking of us." Then change the subject.

[SagMom]

I have a lot of teachers in my family. One comment that stuck with me was when one of them said, "Why did I bother to go to college for 8 years if just anybody can do this?" it can certainly be a touchy subject!

I agree about not engaging.

To this:

Originally Posted by Mebsy

And when she finally accepted that we were actually doing it, she sent me a huge email of a long list of things I need to make sure we do EVERY day if I want him to be at all successful.

I would have either not responded or just said, "Thanks." and nothing more. If I was in a situation where it was uncomfortable to NOT respond, then I'd go off and describe all the things the kids were actually doing, but not discuss my theories or philosophy.

For years after we first started, one family member would send me dittos of worksheets and other resources that she was using in her classroom. From her pov, she was being helpful, so I just accepted them and never mentioned that we hadn't used them. After a while, she stopped, and eventually, she even asked ME for some of my resources for a kid she was tutoring on the side!

So, I'd not explain so much, not have conversations where you're defending your ways or trying to justify what you're doing.

My standard response to questions like, "Is he doing ____ yet?" was either "Yes" or "We're working on it."

[luv2homeschool]

I used to be a public school teacher before I became a SAHM then a Homeschooling mom. I have definitely changed my views over the years! But it didn't happen over night, and it didn't happen from someone just telling me. It took me being an outsider of the public school system to see just how ludicrous it is run. From outside the system I could see that the school system was truly failing my child and I didn't want it to continue.

I met some homeschooling families through my MOMS club and then really started researching it. My parents and in-laws were not happy at first. My dd wasn't either. But it didn't take long for them to get on board. Once they saw how much my dd was thriving at home, how her attitude changed(she was in middle school!) and how much learning she was doing in less then 4 hours a day they started getting hooked! And so did I!

It is amazing what dd6 can accomplish in just 2 hours a day. She does math, reading, vocabulary, spelling, geography and she even has time for other activities! DD15 takes about 4 hours and she is studying chemistry, algebra 2, American History, American Lit, religion in early american history, vocabulary, spanish and SAT prep! And has time to pursue art and friends!

Give family time. Just wait and let them see how well your son does and they will eventually turn! good luck!

[annettemarie]

Definitely learn to pass the bean dip.

Beyond that, the proof is in the pudding. My husband's uncle is very active is the state education association, my father-in-law was a teacher. Now, 7 years into it, they're the first to admit how well my kids are doing. It's hard for people to make the paradigm shift from the public school model.

[pigpokey]

Well I know that teachers are well trained. If you suddenly gave me 20 kids my kids' age to teach and raise, of all different abilities, some with mental illnesses and learning disabilities, who leave me for 16 hours a day into environments I can't know or control, and I have all sorts of different legal and regulatory responsibilities towards them and what they must do by the end of the year on a test, I would be a bit over my head for a while.

I would rather be a home schooler than a teacher. I can see why, to get up and go in every day, some teachers need to believe that they and what they are doing is absolutely essential for every child.

[RiverSky]

If I were you, I would state simply, "This is our decision and we have made it. If you would like to read Dumbing us Down, How Children Fail and How Children Learn, and then speak to me about homeschooling, I'd be fine with it. Otherwise, thank you for worrying about your own kindergarteners first."

If you have a bit of extra money, you could even purchase cheap, used copies of those books (first by John Taylor Gatto, last two by John Holt) and send them to her so she has her own easy copies to read.

[RiverSky]

BTW, can I just say that 1 1/2 hours of table learning for a kindergartener is a recipe for disaster? And torture for your child! Totally unnecessary, too. Hopefully you were just saying that to appease your relative?!?

Now, 1 1/2 hours of story book reading is closer to what I consider reasonable.

[laohaire]

Yeah, I would sincerely and effusively concede that I couldn't do what she is doing. There are so many differences - and all of the differences make her job HARDER than yours. This is not an inspired list, it's all obvious, I'm sure there are more differences but here's a few:

- She teaches (and manages) far more children
- She has to develop a relationship (including a sense of authority and trust) with each of those children. You're the mom, that's built-in
- She has to make it all work for very different kids. You can just pander to your own.
- If a kid falls behind, she has to either work extra to help, apply specialized skills, or accept it. For homeschoolers, arguably no kids fall behind, because they set their own pace.
- If a kid is ahead... same as above.
- She has to teach to a test (at least a future one, if not one in K). She has to meet specific requirements. Her job is on the line. You don't.
- She has to squeeze in learning time between all the horde management - lunchtime, snack time, recess time, bathroom time. Your schedule is your own and can be as flexible as you are. Bathroom time and so on is barely a blip on your radar, versus a huge coordination effort for her.
- She has to try to make kids be interested in whatever she teaches. A homeschooler can do the opposite, apply lessons and skills to the child's interests. You get built-in motivation and she just has to make it work.

Anyway, you get the idea. Her experience provides a lot of complications and handicaps. Take your hat off to her. It could go a long way toward assuaging her feelings and she might be able to chill out and maybe even let it go.

Besides that, I agree with the PP, I would not engage with her on the details. You're not going to convince her, and you don't have to.

I have a rabidly anti-HS SSIL and she really shocked me and DH when she informed us tha we were going to turn DD into a "basket case." Now I wish I had just smiled and said "yeah, probably."

[pigpokey]

One of my hard-core schooling friends asked some question and I mentioned that one reason hs worked for me was that we could avoid the inherent inefficiencies of group education and finish the school day in a short amount of time. He responded, very seriously and thoughtfully, you know, I just assumed that every minute of the school day my son is learning.

[luv2homeschool]

Originally Posted by pigpokey

One of my hard-core schooling friends asked some question and I mentioned that one reason hs worked for me was that we could avoid the inherent inefficiencies of group education and finish the school day in a short amount of time. He responded, very seriously and thoughtfully, you know, I just assumed that every minute of the school day my son is learning.

That's funny that he thought his son was learning at school the whole time. Perhaps they are learning, but not what you send them to school for!

[2xy]

Originally Posted by pigpokey

One of my hard-core schooling friends asked some question and I mentioned that one reason hs worked for me was that we could avoid the inherent inefficiencies of group education and finish the school day in a short amount of time. He responded, very seriously and thoughtfully, you know, I just assumed that every minute of the school day my son is learning.

Good grief! He must have forgotten his own school days entirely!

Originally Posted by SagMom

I have a lot of teachers in my family. One comment that stuck with me was when one of them said, "Why did I bother to go to college for 8 years if just anybody can do this?"

Because teaching one child who you know very well is different than managing a classroom full of virtual strangers. That would have been my answer.

[Mama Khi]

I used to be an elem school teacher and what I saw in schools is what convinced me to HS DD. I would just ignore my sister if she was being difficult about it. I would be polite and explain why we are doing it, but if she kept after me I would just ignore her. It's really none of her business.

[Lillian J]

Originally Posted by RiverSky

BTW, can I just say that 1 1/2 hours of table learning for a kindergartener is a recipe for disaster? And torture for your child! Totally unnecessary, too. Hopefully you were just saying that to appease your relative?!?

Now, 1 1/2 hours of story book reading is closer to what I consider reasonable.

I was thinking the same thing. I got distracted, but I'd meant to post this link to my page of links to articles about the needs of children that age - underneath the articles are links to websites that have lots of fun and enriching learning activities that are great for them. Lillian

[Lillian J]

Originally Posted by Mama Khi

I used to be an elem school teacher and what I saw in schools is what convinced me to HS DD. I would just ignore my sister if she was being difficult about it. I would be polite and explain why we are doing it, but if she kept after me I would just ignore her. It's really none of her business.

And this got me to thinking about the fact that a lot of what's going on is probably just unresolved sisterly competitive stuff. You have the luxury of providing your child with an amazing opportunity, and she's in the position of being someone who's working in a world you can choose not to bother with. That could push all sorts of buttons. The conversation is probably hitting a lot more levels than you realize. - Lillian

[MamieCole]

I think this is more about your sister and her fears/insecurities than the actual choices you are making for your child.

Being a classroom teacher is NOT the same as home-educating your own child. It's apples and oranges.

(I was a public school K/1 teacher for 8 years and will be home-educating my two youngest LOs.)

[kittywitty]

My SIL is a substitute teacher (here in IL it's impossible to find/keep a teaching job at the moment). She thinks homeschooling is the worst idea ever. Luckily it never comes up. She always has horror stories about the schools she subs in regularly and thinks they're atrocious, but somehow she sees homeschooling as ridiculous. I don't get it.