Please help - discussing dying with DD

[LoveBeads]

I know there is a similar thread going on which discusses how you deal with death and I am going to respond to that one separately. What I want to know is this: for those of you who have a loved one that is terminal, what do you say to your child (if anything).

My DD is 4 years old. In a few weeks, my dad will come to visit us for the last time - he has ALS and will be moving to a home because he is not able to walk anymore. His prognosis is about 2 years but he has deteriorated very quickly since his diagnosis a few weeks ago, I don't know if he'll make it 2 years. I haven't seen him since I heard about the diagnosis and I'm so afraid that I will burst into tears or just be very sad before, during and after the visit.

My DD is so incredibly sensitive to my moods. How can I possibly explain to her my sadness?

Please help me...

[Marsupialmom]

((((((((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))))))))) I wish I had to words to help you. Sorry to hear of your family's trying time.

Have you talk to a child psyc? or looked on Cancer boards.

[L.J.]

Last year my dad died suddenly of a heart attack. His funeral was actually a year ago today.
My oldest was 5 , my youngest, 1.

I keep things simple & honest when I discuss it with them. Questions come up out of the blue, so be aware of that. Things come up. Like one day my oldest says, "so Grandpa can't eat cake any more right?"

I told my son that his grandpa's heart stopped working. I told him that his "spirit" was finished using that body and went back to the spirit world. I told him that some people (including him) may be able to "see Grandpa's spirit" or get messages or hear him still and that his spirit would often be with us, whether we could see him or not.

While grieving, I also told him that we were very sad that Grandpa died and that we will miss being able to see him, talk to him and be with him the way we had been before. And that even though his spirit will always be around us, it won't be the same as before & because of that we feel sad.

I feel empathy for how difficult this is for you & your family. I can understand what losing a father is about & know it can be a difficult transition. Enjoy every moment you can with your father while he is still around.

Peace to you & your family~ L.J.

[Piglet68]

L.J. that was really beautiful what you said to your kids!

[NoraJadesMama]

Hi LoveBeads,

Just wanted to chime in with my support. ITA with what L.J. said.

I would just add that when my dd was 3 she lost one favorite aunt to cancer and a little-known uncle to drug overdose. I found that she was totally up for the whole painful and meaningful experience. We took her to both funerals even. (Actually I think it helped everyone to see a 3-y.o and a 1-y.o -- it gave people some chances to smile and even be a bit playful for a moment, pacing themselves in their consuming grief.)

My dd is very sensitive, too--she feels things very deeply and becomes fiercely attached to her favorite people. But it meant a whole lot to her to comfort her grieving aunt (who lost her twin sister!) and my mother (who lost her son). She would sit with them while they cried and hold their hand. It made her feel like she could do something she could something during a time of crisis to help people she loved.

And for her own grief about losing her favorite aunt, she drew "Ann & me" pictures *every* day for like a year. I still have some on my study wall. Sometimes there would be little lines across Ann's mouth denoting sadness, and sometimes her own arm would be reaching out to touch Ann in a caretaking way.

We talked about Ann's death a lot for periods, and not at all for a while. Sometimes I heard her playing a whispering private game with her hands where one hand was Aunt Ann and the other was Aunt Sarah, etc., and there was talk about cancer.

It was a lot for her to take, and she totally rose to the occasion. I learned that she had internal resources enough to cope.

And like L.J. recommended, we used matter of fact explanations. I talked to her about her aunt Ann having died from "bad cancer," the kind of cancer that you die from. This was my way of helping her incase someone else in the family got cancer, so that she wouldn't immediately assume they would die (unfortunately this came in handy a year later with another relative, who is still battling cancer--we do hope it's not the bad cancer). I also wanted to make distinctions between different kinds of "sick"--I didn't want her to worry that if she were "sick" with a cold she would be in danger.

I am sorry to hear about your father. This must be a terribly hard time all around. Hang in there, and get the support *you* need.