DD, DH, and power struggles

[TinyMama]

DD and DH are having some difficulties lately, and since DH is a teacher and has the summer off, I'd like to help them work on their relationship.

DD has been in a serious no-daddy stage for a while now--maybe 6 weeks or more. She won't let DH do any caretaking jobs, yells at him, pushes him away, tells him she doesn't love him, etc. DH was taking it pretty well in the beginning, and just saying, "I love you anyway," etc. Lately, however, I think it's starting to bother him (and frankly, I don't blame him). I only mention this because it seems to me that this dynamic is influencing his whole attitude towards her.

So recently DH has expressed a need to discipline DD more for some overly bratty behaviors. I do agree that she can be bratty, but I think it comes with the age. While I'm not particularly upset by the behaviors, I do believe he has a right to discipline her if he feels necessary.

Here's a recent scenario: DH was putting DD to bed. DD was not pleased about it, but I was sick and just couldn't manage to do it. They were getting through it fairly pleasantly, until DD threw her towel on the floor. DH asked her to pick it up, and DD began throwing other things around the bedroom. DH told her she could not leave the bedroom until she had picked it up. You can imagine what happened next--crying, tantrums, etc. DH ended up picking up the towel. I eventually went up to settle DD down.

DH technically agrees with me that timeouts are not particularly useful for 3 year olds. But his urge to discipline DD more seems to lead him in this direction. What would you suggest for him to try? I have done a lot of reading, but I don't think he will. He is willing to read online, though.

Thank you!!!

[ssh]

What "bratty" behaviors? Discipline does mean teaching, not punishing. 3 year olds still don't have much impulse control and there are a lot of normal 3 year old behavior that is annoying. Most of it goes away with age. Punishing your DD for being a normal 3 year old will make her behavior worse. Calmly modeling the behavior you want, calmly telling her over and over and over again what your expectations are and gaining abit of impulse control as she grows will all help your DD behave in more appropriate ways. 4 is a much easier age for my DD. The most important thing is not taking it personal when your DD is rude. Also ultimatums don't work well with toddlers or preschoolers. Does your DH know anything about normal toddler and preschooler behavior? It's so helpful to not have unrealistic expectations. I like Science of Parenting by Margot Sunderland as an introduction to what causes annoying behaviors and how our parenting effects their development.

My 4.5 year old DD has gone through mommy and daddy only stages. She usually prefers me though. I thinks it's normal for them to prefer their primary care giver. She thinks her daddy is cooler though.

[poppan]

I'm not sure on the discipline front but wanted to share that my DD and DS to a lesser extent were also in a no daddy phase for a while. Then DH took a one week vacation and was home with them. He didn't spend the whole day with them but he did take part of the day where he did something special just them and him. Like he took them swimming and stuff. After that week my kids have had a total attitude readjustment and aren't insisting on mommy for everything anymore, daddy is now pretty good too. Last night DD even coslept with DH instead of with me, which she has never ever done before. I don't know, it might be a fun way to mix things up at least, maybe it will help. I think I would encourage him not to come down too hard on her for anything. I am all about avoiding the power struggles these days and it's actually been working out better for us in terms of ultimate behavior and "minding" their parents.

[TinyMama]

Thank you both.

ssh: I should have been clearer. "Annoying" is definitely the right word. And DH is not exactly punishing her, he's just not letting her get away with things and then she's digging in her heels even more. He does understand that these behaviors are normal; he's just feeling the need to correct them. Thank you for the book recommendation. I'll look into it. I think I'm going to try to get him to read Playful Parenting, too. My goal is to get him to not take everything so seriously.

poppan: That's great to hear. We have been trying to do one daddy-only activity each day, and it does seem to help their relationship. My DD forgets that DH can take care of her, I think, and then when they're out together and he takes her to the bathroom, or gets her a snack, or whatever, she remembers that he can do that stuff too.

[mom2grrls]

Yes Playful Parenting is a great book for 3 y/o and it's easy to read. 3 is a rough age and they do lots of things that push our buttons