I've been thinking about a strange phenomenon I have experienced, specifically, feeling 'out of body' during two instances in my life.
The first instance was during my first birth, in a hosptial with a poorly functional epidural. The pushing stage was very short, and after the OB delivered dd's head, I put my arms around her trunk and pulled her out, onto my chest. (It was an empowering birth, though I would not choose anything like it in the future, or suggest it to a friend!)
However, in my mind's eye, I was pulling out a baby who was 14 feet away from me, rather than RIGHT between my legs. So too with my mind's image of the OBs location--he wasn't BETWEEN my legs, as close to me as the computer keyboard I'm typing on now; it was as if he were across the room.
Ok, fine. I thought that's just how birth is, it's so wierd to be pulling people out of your crotch, it's surreal.
Then I experienced by second birth at home. I had my hand on my crotch as baby crowned, took my hand away when ds emerged, then put my hands down onto him (I was kneeling over the back of a couch) and grabbed him.
In my mind's eye, that scenario is not surreal. I remember it as yep, having my hand down by my crotch, as matter-of-fact as when I wipe my arse every day. Not to diminish the lovelines or wonderment of the birthing moment, but it was not a surreal, 'across the room' type of feeling.
NOW onto incident #2 of the surreal 'out of body' feeling, when I recently had my umbilical hernia repaired at 4 months post-partum.
I was unmedicated, save a shot of lidocane into my belly-button area. I was lying on the operating table in the OR, two masked surgeons going to town on my bellybutton, Led Zepplin playing in my headset per my request, a scrub nurse taking token snapshots per my request, and another nurse at my head. The whole deal lasted 15 minutes, and crapola, it was suprisingly painful to have all this shoving around going on in my bellybutton, as the surgeon crammed protruding intestinal stuff back down where it belongs.
When I recount that image, again, the surgeons and MY BELLYBUTTON were way far away, like at my feet, rather than AT my bellybutton.
I also have a bellybutton ring, and over the years have had all sorts of unpleasantness with that, from the intital piercing to jewlery removal & re-insertation (what with all this pregnancy stuff!!!) and none of that pain is remembered as surreally as the surgery.
What's goin' on, mamas? Is this a pain thing? A hosptial thing? A common experience for birthing women?
The surreal-ness of my bellybutton surgery is the catalyst for this thread...is my response related to anxiety? Was I indeed that anxious at my first birth, then?
Just pondering! Thanks for your reflections and your own experiences.
The first instance was during my first birth, in a hosptial with a poorly functional epidural. The pushing stage was very short, and after the OB delivered dd's head, I put my arms around her trunk and pulled her out, onto my chest. (It was an empowering birth, though I would not choose anything like it in the future, or suggest it to a friend!)
However, in my mind's eye, I was pulling out a baby who was 14 feet away from me, rather than RIGHT between my legs. So too with my mind's image of the OBs location--he wasn't BETWEEN my legs, as close to me as the computer keyboard I'm typing on now; it was as if he were across the room.
Ok, fine. I thought that's just how birth is, it's so wierd to be pulling people out of your crotch, it's surreal.
Then I experienced by second birth at home. I had my hand on my crotch as baby crowned, took my hand away when ds emerged, then put my hands down onto him (I was kneeling over the back of a couch) and grabbed him.
In my mind's eye, that scenario is not surreal. I remember it as yep, having my hand down by my crotch, as matter-of-fact as when I wipe my arse every day. Not to diminish the lovelines or wonderment of the birthing moment, but it was not a surreal, 'across the room' type of feeling.
NOW onto incident #2 of the surreal 'out of body' feeling, when I recently had my umbilical hernia repaired at 4 months post-partum.
I was unmedicated, save a shot of lidocane into my belly-button area. I was lying on the operating table in the OR, two masked surgeons going to town on my bellybutton, Led Zepplin playing in my headset per my request, a scrub nurse taking token snapshots per my request, and another nurse at my head. The whole deal lasted 15 minutes, and crapola, it was suprisingly painful to have all this shoving around going on in my bellybutton, as the surgeon crammed protruding intestinal stuff back down where it belongs.
When I recount that image, again, the surgeons and MY BELLYBUTTON were way far away, like at my feet, rather than AT my bellybutton.
I also have a bellybutton ring, and over the years have had all sorts of unpleasantness with that, from the intital piercing to jewlery removal & re-insertation (what with all this pregnancy stuff!!!) and none of that pain is remembered as surreally as the surgery.
What's goin' on, mamas? Is this a pain thing? A hosptial thing? A common experience for birthing women?
The surreal-ness of my bellybutton surgery is the catalyst for this thread...is my response related to anxiety? Was I indeed that anxious at my first birth, then?
Just pondering! Thanks for your reflections and your own experiences.
. anyway, i was living a life that i couldn't connect w/---my therapist explained it's a survival thing to not be *in* the moment, as it were. the mind is so amazing! i'm not sure how common it is with normal birth, but w/my hideously interventive birth---it was very surreal, and i was praying to leave my body. seriously. i wish my mind *had* gone along.
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